The Rise of a Sentry

by AndrewGamerGL

Chapter 1: Introduction

Once Upon a Magical time in Equestria, there was a young little Colt Pegasus named Flash Sentry, who lived around the streets of Canterlot with his parents, Mr. And Mrs. Sentry, unlike most of the ponies who lived there, Flash and his family didn't come from a very wealthy background, they were actually quite poor and couldn't even afford any place to live, Flash's Mother was also disabled and couldn't walk or even fly to places, so both him and his father had to work hard delivering supplies to other Ponies by pulling carriages, since they were usually too heavy to carry by flying.

Finding Food was also often hard for the family, considering they had to hope for the other ponies to throw away their excess food, which was sometimes rotten and made them sick and I'll, but nothertheless, they had to make the most of their Situation to make sure they survived, and often or not, many ponies in the city did not want to associate with or talk to them, cause in Canterlot, your Social Standard means everything in that Town, so, the Sentry Family really had a lot of things to take care of under their hooves to work hard for, and in order for them to clean themselves, they either had to use the public shower or a garden hose from other ponies' houses.

But what made things even worse and more difficult for little Flash Sentry was that his father wasn't exactly the best father, in fact, he was very abusive, and quite a violent and angry pony, whenever Flash came back to his family when the day was over and did not quite get the necessary supplies of food that he could find, even though Flash tried his best, his Father would beat him up with a wooden plank until he either started crying or was knocked Unconscious, and all his poor mother could do was watch and beg for her husband not to hurt her son, but often he would ignore her and refuse.

Over a few years, Flash had so many bruise marks around his body, that you could even tell how old they were when going around his body, as he and his mother would often cry themselves to sleep on their makeshift bed, Flash did care and love his Family, but he was not sure how much longer he would be able to handle this.

Comments

[Brony9216]

Right, so:

• Paragraphs should contain multiple sentences, not just one enormous run-on sentence.
• Perhaps this will get better with later (non-prolouge) chapters, but there is way too much telling and not enough showing.
• Some of the diction is far too informal for a non-involved narrator. For example, "cause in Canterlot" should be "because in Canterlot". Narration is not casual unless the narrator is a character (and even then, the narration is still usually formal).