I heard what sounded like footsteps on the floor below me, and I went to see who they belonged to. What happened next I can only explain to a degree, for it was hard for me to comprehend myself. I continued downstairs and saw a floating book go speeding by. I followed it into what appeared to be the main part of the library. I peered around the corner, and could not believe my eyes. There in the center of the room was Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. I just about exploded in elation. I then remembered something.
The droids could have captured you, and this could very well be a simulation they're using as a way to coax me into letting my guard down. That or I'm in the hospital and the drugs they gave me were a bit too strong. Or- wait, no. That's fucking ridiculous. Me, in Equestria. What a joke. I thought.
I concluded that whatever the case be, even if the case be that I am actually in Equestria, however unlikely, that I should keep my guard up. It took a whole lot of will not to go over and meet my idol, but I started to sneak my way over towards the front door.
“EEEEEP!” a startled voice exclaimed behind me.
“HEY, YOU!” the voice of my idol exclaimed.
“Wait!” the voice of Twilight said, likely holding back a very aggressive Rainbow Dash.
“You're awake.” Twilight said.
I faced about.
“My name is-”
“Twilight Sparkle” I interrupted.
“How did you know that?”
Shit.
“I-I...err... lucky guess.” I quickly said.
“Okaay... well you obviously know my name.” said Twilight “The Pegasus to my left is Rainbow Dash. What's your name?”
If I am in a simulation, they would've already accessed my mind, thus already gaining general knowledge such as my liking for the show, my name, the names of family, friends, etc. I thought to myself.
“Ssg Ackerman, attached to 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, United States Army.”
“Special forces. Sounds cool. What is it?” my idol asked, clearly intrigued.
“It's a kind of unit in the Army” I replied.
“Huh?” Rainbow Dash said in a slightly confused tone.
“Um...” I searched for the right way to word this “I am a soldier. And the United States is the country I hail from.” I replied, hoping not to confuse her anymore.
“United States? I've never heard of that country.” Twilight interjected.
“It is on the planet known as Earth.”
“OH! There, yes! I've been researching you humans for some time now. Your race is quite... interesting.” said an eager Twilight.
That would be one way of putting it...
“ahem...”
“What was that?” I asked, looking around, trying to find the source of the sound.
I turned my attention to the only pony in the room who hadn't said a word the entire time I had been standing there.
“Flutt- err... and... um... whats your name?” I said cautiously, as to not reveal my knowledge of the show... yet.
If this isn't a simulation, and it's somehow all real, I can't have them knowing that they are from a T.V. show back on earth. Besides, they would probably just think I'm crazy.
I'll tell you, I sure was glad that I had been attached to Delta. If it weren't for the required training that one must complete prior to going to combat with them, I would likely have given the droids all the info they needed from me, and I would be well on my way to being disposed of.
Better dead than in some simulation. I thought solemnly to myself.
Before shit really hit the fan, Delta had been preparing their soldiers for this. Hooking them up to computers that would send electrical charges into the brains of sleeping soldiers- thus creating a simulation out of their dreams, not unlike the one I was in.
I haven't found any proof to back up the simulation theory. I reminded myself.
These simulations would act as a kind of virus, opening up the mind to being, put simply, hacked. Not only did the training act as a means of setting up our own mental firewalls, but it taught us to be able to think through said firewalls; essentially granting our thoughts a sort of shield from prying ears, or in this case, audio receptors. This technique allowed us to plan ahead without the knowledge of our captors, and eventually, escape our mental prison.
Then again, I haven't found any proof against said theory. I better keep my guard up, just to be safe.
“Well? What's your name?”
Fluttershy pulled the classic 'hide her blush behind her mane' thing.
So adorable. I just wanna hug her right now.
“Don't worry, I don't bite” I said with the kindest of smiles I could muster.
“Fluttershy...”
“I'm sorry, what was that?”
“my name is Fluttershy...”
I heard an annoyed Twilight groan behind me.
“Her name is Fluttershy.”
“Oh. Nice to meet you, Fluttershy.” I said as I stuck out a hoof to shake.
“EEP!” She said as she dove under a desk in the corner of the room.
Just my fucking luck, here I am, in Equestria, for Pete-sakes! And I scare off one of the most adorable characters... fuck my life.
“I'm sorry, she's just a bit-”
“Shy?” I interrupted.
“Yes, how did you-”
“The name kinda says it all, don't ya think?” I interrupted a second time.
“Heh, I guess it kinda does, doesn't it?” Twilight chuckled.
“Yeah...” I trailed off ever so slightly.
Twilight seemed to take notice of this.
“What's wrong?”
“Hmm? Oh, nothing...”
“Something is bothering you, I can tell.” she said.
“Oh... am I really that easy to read?”
“Kinda.”
Note to self, make more of an effort to show hide emotions.
“Its just this whole situation I guess.”
“What situation?”
They definitely know about the events that took place of late, so no harm in telling them.
“Before I was... however the fuck I got here, I was fighting these things called droids.”
"Droids?" Twilight asked.
Oh, yeah. Different universe. Duh.
"Droids are..." I tried to put it into words they could understand. "They're like robots."
"Robots?"
This is gonna be a bit harder than I thought.
"Autonomous machines that look like humans. Only we control what they do."
"Oh... okay." Twilight nodded in acknowledgment for me to continue.
“These droids... well... we humans created them to help make our day-to-day lives easier. We also created them to fight our wars.”
“The thought was that if machines fought our wars, there would be no actual lives lost. Or so we thought...”
“We soon learned of our mistake. An enemy country, Iran, hacked one of our nuclear warhead-bearing drones. Before long, Iran took their hijacked drone over the Red Sea, towards Israel.”
“They dropped the bomb the second the drone came within range of a major population center.”
“Was there no way to stop it?” Twilight interjected.
“No. All any of us could do was sit there and watch in horror as pictures and satellite videos of the carnage started appearing on the news.”
“Did Israel fight back?” Twilight asked.
“Yes. But they are a small country, whereas Iran is nearly 5 times their size. They fought back with all they had-”
“But it wasn't enough...” a saddened Rainbow Dash chimed in.
“No. It wasn't...”
“But that was just the beginning. After Iran took Israel, Iranian scientists started reverse-engineering Israeli droids...”
“Iran then started to attack any and all that wouldn't join them. For the majority of the Middle-Eastern countries, the firepower that Iran had gained from the droids they reverse-engineered proved to be too much. Not long after Iran's first assault, Russia started sending even more powerful weaponry their way. That's where I came in.”
“I got deployed to South Korea, Iran's next target. Everyone thought that Korea was where we were gonna put a stop to their blitzkrieg. We were wrong. So, so wrong.”
“Their attack force was immense, not just in numbers, but efficiency. So many lost their lives.”
The lump in my throat started to return. I quickly swallowed it.
“I was one of the survivors. I had lost my entire platoon to the Human-Droid onslaught. I had escaped with the hair on my neck.”
The lump started to return.
“I linked up with an elite spec ops team, known as Delta Force. They are the best of the best. And they have the best training and equipment to boot.”
“They sound kinda like the Wonderbolts.” Rainbow Dash chimed in.
“The Wonderbolts?” I played dumb.
“Only the best flying team in all of Equestria!”
Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash with chastising eyes.
“Oh, heh, sorry...”
“Continue.” said Twilight.
“Yes. Anyway, these guys are the best. They taught me as many tricks of the trade as they could in such a short amount of time.”
“Tricks of the trade?” Twilight said.
“Do you want the honest truth, or the not-so-honest?”
“Honest.”
“Ways to take lives more quickly, quietly, and efficiently than anyone else on earth.”
“Oh...” Twilight said with a slight tinge of fear in her voice.
“Don't worry, they taught me to control these talents, so that they may be used only when needed.”
“Okay...” I could still detect the slightest amount of unease in her voice.
“Anyway, we went back to the states, and proceeded to train in preparation for the coming attack. Problem was, it never came.”
“What?” Twilight and Rainbow Dash asked at the same time.
“That's right. We waited and prepared for an assault that never came. What did come was something that was a complete surprise to everyone. Droids.”
“Droids?”
“Yes, droids. No faction controlling them. No country giving orders, just droids.”
“Wow.” replied a dumbstruck Twilight.
“Yeah. The war that ensued lasted a total of 5 years. Many lives were lost. Good men and women. Most of which had families...”
The lump in my throat grew.
“Before I arrived here, I was fighting in a desperate final assault on the droid control room. All we needed to do was hit a button and 85 percent of the droid army would be instantaneously wiped out. Heh. A single button to solve all our problems.” Thoughts of the Staples easy-button started to come to mind. “Just one issue.”
“What was that?”
“The 85 percent that I mentioned were there waiting for us.”
Twilight and Rainbow just sat there in silence. I continued.
“The battle was going terribly. We were horribly out-numbered and out-gunned, but we pressed on.”
“Then came the possibility of a turning point. But-” I choked on the last part as the lump in my throat ached for relief.
“But what?” asked Rainbow Dash.
I cleared my throat. “But as with all great victories, come great sacrifices.”
At this point, I started to tear up.
“I was told to give an order for an airstrike. Danger close, broken arrow...” I shuddered at the last part.
“Broken arrow?” asked Twilight.
“It means that friendlies are mixed in with the enemy to such a degree in which giving them time to fall back to a safe distance would only make things worse.”
“You mean-”
“Yes. The pilots then disregard all friendlies in the target vicinity. As far as the pilots are concerned, when broken arrow is declared, all targets in the sector of fire are hostile.”
Tears started to run down my cheeks.
“I'm so sorry. If you want to stop you can.” Twilight said.
“No, I'm fine.” I said holding in a sob.
“I started to charge towards the control room. By the time I reached the button, I had been shot multiple times. I did it, though. I put a stop to it and gave the rest of humanity a fighting chance.”
Tears kept coming, now flowing freely down my cheeks and dripping on the wood floor below.
I can't let my idol see me like this.
“Excuse me.” I said as I left the room and ran upstairs.
Little did I know, I had dropped a plastic bag which contents' could very well change the way Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy viewed their entire universe.
One nice heads up:
Try not to use OC pics from Pony Creator as cover art.
As soon as I saw the picture
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
Hm... This does not look very interesting... Although, I tend not to follow the 'Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover' quote but for this... I'd have to say its a no.
Dude. if you get a better cover art, you'd be much better off. i'll see where this goes
OC yet no OC tag?
Pony creator image.
Black and red mane?
Camouflage coat?
In the words of Han Solo
"I got a bad feeling about this."
*Has flashback to Star Wars*
Don't include pictures in the story.
Brony in Equestria after dying? You're beating a dead horse. It's all been done.
Did your character really just say 5x? Five times.
Same as previous comment. Write out percent.
The ponies act almost as if they know about most of the technology on earth? They seem to know about fighter planes, droids, etc.
At least there isn't a romance tag...
You're a decent writer, the problem is that your story line has been used by many, many, many, many, many, many, many, other people, most much worse than yours. It won't be very friendly territory you're entering.
~Thorlol TWE Mod and Grammar Hammer
Hate to be the bearer of bad news (just kidding, I do it all the time now), but things aren't really looking up for your story. A glaring issue is the cover pic of your OC. You wanted him to look like camouflage, but it kinda looks like he's got a severe case of fungal infection. And the description...meh. 'S alright...It'll might attract those interested in the military, but not much else.
But your story...oh ho ho my friend...your story. First time author, huh? If you're new to this whole writing biz, let me tell you a secret. Human in Equestria stories have been pulverized, raped, chopped up, and annihilated into unrecognizable wrecks by numerous authors. Your story really isn't all that bad. But, much like your OC stepping into Equestria, stepping into the HiE category means you're heading into the danger zone. The phrase "Seen it once, you've seen 'em all," certainly applies here.
Like my fellow explorer Thorlol said, you're not a bad writer. You just have to be an extremely marvelous author if you're going to pull off this sort of story line.
Giving you the unwept slip...
~Schlippy
1323109
I think it was pretty obvious from the get go our author doesn't have any real experience with anything military related...
1323151
SOMEONE GETS IT. Yay for Battlefield! *Blatant fanboy.*
Ahem, going professional now...first time author, yes? Let me ask you a question, seeing as everyone else has pointed out the problems with HiE.
What do you find easiest to write? A world-travelling epic with plenty of landscape building and description, characters oogling at all the glorious mountains and deep vallies?
Or perhaps a gentle-hearted romance, two ponies enjoying eachother's presence, fireplace alight on Hearth's Warming Eve?
Maybe a raucous slapstick comedy, with Spike swinging halibuts three times his size at Pinkie Pie in a grand, exaggerated game of tag!
Or maybe a simple, thorough study of a character and their life, following Rarity through her humdrum daily life, with breaks of sunlight in her bleak, monotone world via her friend Fluttershy and their weekly spa visits?
Or perhaps a trip following a background pony's history? Perhaps you want to explain what goes on in Lyra's life, or maybe even follow a pony visiting one of Vinyl's DJing sessions. Perhaps even a chain of thought with one of the Princesses?
There are many ideas that you could be chasing, and they don't all include action like a warfic. Hell, they could be a lot easier to write! Of course, this is assuming your fic is packed with action...
I'm going to tell you this now, sir. You're a good writer, but you simply need a proper starting point. Start off with a couple one-shots, a comedy, a romance, an adventure, anything you desire. BUILD your world, BUILD your storyline up to that epic, a path that your readers follow from start to finish and feel satisfied! This is a fic that belongs in the middle or end of an Author's story arc. Starting with this is like starting with Order of the Pheonix in the Harry Potter series, instead of The Philosopher's Stone! Or starting James Bond at Thunderball instead of Casino Royale!
Write what comes natural. That's about the only tip I give to fledgling authors now. You've got promise, kid...a spark that could grow into a flame that carries you to the Featured Box.
Maybe it won't happen today...maybe it won't happen tomorrow, but it'll happen someday. Good luck.
1322925 My buddy is the same M.O.S as me, a tank mechanic. He just left for selection. He wants to be a Field Surgeon.
1323613
Thank you very much.
I find it funny, I have never been one for writing, in fact, the only artistic skill I have really put to use is DJ-ing (if you can even consider putting a bunch of other peoples work together and remixing them an art...)
I definitely see what you're getting at though. I will probably put this story on hold (or cancel it, I'm not quite sure yet.) and pick up on it again after I've written a few of those one-shots you mentioned.
Once again, thank you for the constructive criticism.
1322925
And I understand that Army soldiers are not allowed to wear unapproved unit patches (I.A.W AR 670-1), which is why I put "I got so much shit for wearing it once as a joke."
1322925
Totally off topic, why did you select Marine Marksman as a name if you are 18B in the Army?
1323699
Since I'm such a nice guy, I think I'll pitch to you a couple ideas that I'd chase if I wasn't weighed down with my own writing.
Idea 1: Pinkie invents a new game, but it needs a dragon in order to make it 'fun'. Fire breath makes everything fun!
Idea 2: Twilight discovers a new field of magic in the form of changing materials. Full Metal Alchemist inspiration here...may chase it later on.
Idea 3: Discord breaks out again, we follow him in his different methods of chaos. A character study of the big bad draconequus.
I...DID have ideas, but I'm keeping the ideas I wanna chase secret. Sorry!
1323707
One more thing...
I HATE CoD. BF3 is where its at.
Jets FTW
1323838 u have BF3? for wht systyme?
1323877
xbox
1323898 mind if i add u? Just wondering since i barely hace anyone tht plays BF3 on the.xbox and keep up the good work on the fic is this your first fic?
Hi buddy :
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1323904 no problem. My GT is Dubst3p Army. I'm actually online right now.
.1323904 As for the first fic question, yes and no. Before I became part of the herd, I used to be a pretty big name in the Halo fanfiction base.
>>armybrony
You were in the halo fandom? Can you point me out to any of your stories?
Well I'm not gonna lie. I like this story. Keep writing it. I love these types of stories
1324037 here is my longest halo fic I ever wrote http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7153974/1/Twenty-Nine-Seventy-One
Hmm, the idea looks good. I'll read later...
Why do people insist on writing stories like this?
We already have THOUSANDS of these, why do we need more?
1324322 They're awesome
1323787
Oh dear, um, crossovers aren't something you should attempt without inherently knowing both universes.
That, and knowing how they actually CAN crossover. Wanderer's got a blog about that, actually.
1324322
Because new authors don't know how FIMFiction works? Cool your jets man, leave the raging to the TWE.
I myself being a HIE story writer, there are two things that happen with these stories:
1: they become successful and do pretty well with only a few haters.
2: They are raped, torn to shreds, throw in the street, stomped on, then burned. in other words, they get totally trolled.
some of them deserve to get trolled, but for some reason I feel as if this one shouldn't. I would say just go back and fix some of the facts in the story and then have a few people look over it. I would if you want to. anyway, this is a good story and I'm giving it a thumbs up.
thank you for serving our country Marine and Army Brony.