Previous Chapters Next
Close
Dude, WTF?817 words
Stay out of her fridge!1,367 words
Back to school...1,085 words
Angel Bunny Style!1,436 words
What the fuck have I done?! 525 words
Storm the gate!1,212 words
The Deepest of Shit818 words
Well, balls.384 words
The jig is up.799 words
Out of the frying pan, into the drying pan651 words
Questioning 2: Electric Boogaloo349 words

Storm the gate!

Caution: bad words!
Grow a pair and don't get so fucking offended. Bitch.

Well, Pinkie's in jail now. So... That's a thing.

Oh well. Not my fault. I'm not even fucking liable. If Pinkie tried saying anything about me suggesting the idea, she'd get tossed straight to the looney bin. Seriously: "A talking rabbit that held down more alcohol than Berry Punch spiked the punch at my party"!? How ridiculous does that sound?!

Oh wait. Fluttershy would probably say that was a "no-no", and then I wouldn't get any goddamn carrot cake. And I need that fucking carrot cake like Rarity needs to be a self-centered fashion whore. But I can't post bail or let Flutters know I had anything to do with that deliciously illegal booze...

Great. Jailbreak it is.

Breaking someone out of jail was never painted out to be a walk in the park back home. There was always some extremely detailed plan, or a map of the building and guard patrol routes and shit, or something. I had none of these things, but I know someone who probably did. And why wouldn't she? She lives in the town library for Christ's sake- there's bound to be something useful in that giant chunk of wood!

Figuring this, I quickly and stealthily made my way to The Golden Oaks Library in downtown Ponyville. Using my amazing stealth skill refined from childhood years of Sly Cooper and Metal Gear Solid (and everypony's natural instinct to ignore me), I made it there without any problems. I looked around quickly to make sure nobody was around, and then I slipped inside, yanking the door shut behind me.

The first to greet me was Spike, who was conveniently arranging the shelves near the library's entrance.
"Hey! Welcome to Golden Oaks! Just one second and I'll be right there with you!" Spike said. I hopped over.

"There's no time for your stupid bullshit chores, you retarded purple lizard! I need to go and break Pinkie out of jail, and you're gonna help!" Spike whipped his head around to me and stared with wide open eyes and a gaping mouth.

"A-Angel?! What?! You can talk?!" I facepawed and sighed with frustration.

"No shit, asshole! I've already established that fact! Drop your shit and find something to help us break into the police station! I need to get moving right the fuck now!" I shouted. Spike just stared at me, completely dumbfounded. It was like he'd never seen a talking rabbit before, I swear to god...

"Listen you little cock-hole monkey, I've got to go break Pinkie Pie out of jail before Fluttershy finds out I let Pinkie shower everybody with 40 gallons of liquor, or my carrot cake supply gets cut off!" I explained before hopping up and grabbing the front spine on the top of Spike's head and proceeding to dangle from it.
"And I fucking need that carrot cake." I growled as i glared into Spike's eyes. He let out a nervous gulp and nodded.

"O-Okay, Angel. One book on the Ponyville Police Department, coming right up!" He stammered before running off to find a book to help me plot a jailbreak.

I laid on my belly underneath a cart, just a few hops from the front doors of the Police station. Spike was leaning on the cart on the opposite side, out of sight of the guards stationed out front.

"Hey Spike, remember that time when you weren't a fucking worthless douche?" I asked.

"It's not my fault!" The dragon whined. "How was I supposed to know there wouldn't be anything on the building itself?!"

"Well, you're a librarian, you clueless fuck. Now shut the hell up for 2 seconds and get ready for my plan. Blue Horse should be ready by now. Got the plan memorized yet?"

"Um... Stand behind you and say nothing?"

"Good boy. Now let's break!"

Without another second to waste, I moved out from under the cart and hopped up to the guards. The guards, unfortunately, only saw what they believed to be an innocent and adorable bunny hopping up to them out of curiosity.

Stupid assholes don't suspect a thing.

I rose up on my hind legs and looked up at the guards. Just for added effect (and to really fuck with them), I even managed to squiggle up my nose like I was sniffing at them. One of the guards broke character and cracked a small smile.

That was when I chose to strike.

"You know, a lot of people come up to me and say
“Hey, Angel Bunny. I have a question."

Both of the guards blinked and looked down at me, showing I had their full attention. Perfect.

"Spike is a useless piece of crap a lot, and acts really gay.
Is he gay?'

"I have to laugh."

I quickly inserted a fake laugh.

"Could you imagine that? If he was gay?

Could you imagine?

A newborn deer runs through a field
A rainbow shines from heaven
A child's smile lights up the room
As Spike blows a dude."

One of the guards had to do a double take. Spike went to say something, but a backhand across the face shut him right the fuck up.

"A star shoots in from outer space
A puppy licks its mother
A ray of sunlight through the trees
As Spike licks a sack."

At this point, the were either blanching or flinching. But I was also getting into it.

"There would be no sadness
If he was super gay
Just hayshakes, horns, and magic
If he was super gay

We would all be flying
On a tasteful pink duvet
But mostly Spike
(Waoh! Woah!)
Spike is fucking gay!"

"Hey!" Spike shouted. A quick punch to the gut shut that bitch up.

Ooooaah!

Spike is gay!

Oooaah! Oooh! Oh!

Here's a list of things that Spike likes to suck:"

Quickly, I hopped over to the guards and began counting off.

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
BALLS!

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
Balls!
One! Two!
Balls!

Your dick, my dick,
Your dick, my dick,
Your dick, my dick,
Your dick, my dick
your dick, your dick, your dick, your dick,
Balls!

My balls and dick!
Dick,
dick, dick,
dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick!"

At that moment, I looked up in the sky. A tiny black speck, with a rainbow trail following behind it... If Blue Horse is shitting out rainbows like that, that means she couldn't bust Pinkie out the preferred way, so she's resorting to the Sonic ShitBoom...

Oh shit!

Author's Note:

Carrot cake: The sweet ticket to freedom.

And alcohol poisoning.

Song rights go to Leigh Daniel Avidan and Brian Wecht of Ninja Sex Party. Check out their channel for the original music video, plus other shit that's way better than my shit.

1,364 views