Sentio, Ergo Sum

by stillwedding

Prisoner to a Formula

SIX WEEKS PRIOR

What would Celestia think of me if she saw me now?

Battered and bruised. She gritted her teeth, flying started to hurt now. Collapsing to the ground she huffed. Everything hurts. She laid on the ground, and just blinked, staring deeply at her opponent, her eyes almost begging for mercy. But the funny thing was that she was perfectly capable of moving away, she was perfectly capable of ending the battle now. Then why was she so still and stagnant?

Twilight coughed from the sharp sudden pain she felt in her chest. His attacks were powerful, she would admit that much, but they were poorly aimed. Though they were concealed by the dark backdrop of their battlefield, Twilight could feel the aura the blasts produce just in time to move out of the way.

Except the first attack landed, that was how she knew to try and not get hit because damn it, it hurt. And it seemingly came out of nowhere because of the wispy shadows obscuring it, it didn't help that the hindrance of her vision caused her to panic, and when the impact came she was rendered impotent.

Initially, when she came to Canterlot and heard about the villain she was actually thankful for Caligo’s odd quirk. He was an evil being that plagued Pony’s dreams and polluted them with dark thoughts. A nuisance to Luna at most. Still what irked the Princesses was the fact he had the ability to isolate ponies, pick them out of a group and pull them into the realm of shadows.

Caligo seemed more interested in toying with ponies than hurting them. Still, he disrupted harmony and harmony happened to be Twilight’s assigned area of expertise.

The trap they had set went swimmingly, and now she was in a dark shadow realm with only her horn light to keep her company and sane.

And though she was scared at the beginning of their encounter she began to feel gratitude for the location of their exchange. Because it was only on this dark battlefield where no one else can see, that she can finally admit that she was tired. Very, very tired.

Another blast dashed towards her and she defected it swiftly with a shock wave of her own magic, purposefully amping up the strength of the defense so that when it clashed with the dark blow it would create an array of light.

Magenta filled them and she briefly saw how unscathed Caligo was from the light. His cold fixed stare eyed her keenly. Twilight flinched, and the helplessness she felt finally seeped in. She was wholly alone, agonizing in pain, and now her own enemy seemed unamused with her.

Why is it so damn difficult to just get up and continue? Why am I struggling? What would they think of me? It should have been self-explanatory, something she should instinctively know how to do but it was just so hard. Twilight groaned, and picked herself up, again.

Twilight started to regret not taking up Rainbow Dash’s offer to learn martial arts. ‘Now that you’re a Princess who knows who’s out to get you!’ Perhaps if she had been more preventative rather than reactive the situation could've been vastly different.

She had bitten off more than she could chew.

Twilight had always been too eager to please. For her, the greed and drive for success became a drug. More. Always more. The urge for success, to become a success deluded her. It blinded her until the rush became less and less fulfilling. Until the addiction became more of a chore.

The way she saw it was compared to a prisoner. A prisoner to a formula. A formula she crafted herself. And now to say she was tired would have been a massive understatement.

But the irony was that she couldn't help but pursue this convention. She followed this principle as if it was her lifeline, like an axiom, whose structure is always based and unwavering. Perhaps if she kept going like this she could prove the axiom of equality. The elusive equation that states x will always equal x: ‘things which are equal to the same thing are also equal to each other.’

It struck her as something to envy. To her, It was also something to behold, simply beautiful, like one of Rarity’s dresses, because it remained unwavering. The concept that allows intrinsic balance in life, to the point of almost being reassuring.

So she becomes consumed in upholding this structure. Leading Twilight to continue chasing and indulging until she finally breaks.

But what else was she going to do? Have all of her accomplishments and victories come to a sudden halt? Celestia would have a field day hearing all the nobles say that she was a waste of a title. A waste of time. A waste of potential.

So now collecting awards, titles and praise became a regular routine. Having her achievements pile up and on full display for anyone but herself to boast about was really the only thing reminding her that she still was who she is. That she still deserved the mantle and every single word of acclaim no matter if she had felt utterly empty upon hearing them.

She really was an ill-prepared Princess. Who only seems to foolishly think that if she surrounded herself with work, operating a whole school, the wonders of being Crowned Princess and just kept chasing that it would keep herself from the raging despair and shame.

Until she becomes too worn to even dodge an attack she knows she can.

Another attack. Another deflection. Another glimpse of hopelessness. Try and get up. Get up. GET UP. GET UP. GET UP.

Repeat.

“I was almost excited when I captured you here. Because you fought back,” he said. “Not many ponies would recognize what was going on. So I commend you for your effort, however strange it may be." The last comment stung, revealing the hint of sarcasm he hid.

“Excited?” Twilight asked, her voice coming out enduringly. “You find this torment exciting?”

“Well, of course,” he chuckled, it echoed throughout the chamber. Twilight had no energy to snap back. Because earnestly the last thing she wanted to do was fight some shadow monster. But her craving for a will was like a hollow pit that never seemed to be filled. Not even after accomplishments, after accomplishments, it was still a void.

Her muscles started to ache and her thoughts felt like a heavy fog was impeding her ability to reason. All she could recall were not spells to defeat her enemy. But rather a sheer regret. Regret taking up this stupid and prolonging chore.

Celestia and Luna were concerned for her, more concerned for her well-being than she was for herself. ‘Twilight, I know this task will be difficult without the strength of your friends with you but you have my full faith and trust. I trust you will come home safe.”

‘Don’t worry about me, Princess, it’ll be fine.’ Twilight didn’t have the valor to disagree with Celestia. To dissent by saying that she preferred that it was like this. Because now in the dark she wasn’t bound by her role, she didn’t have to doubt that she deserved admiration.

“You were so energetic at the start,” He said, his corporeal being crawling closer to her. His one hundred and one legs made a slight tapping noise as they did. He spread his wings, which shared the same characteristics as a dragon's. Caligo towered over her.

Twilight charged another blast of magic, her horn throbbed from the strain before discharging it at the centipede monster. If she hadn’t tanked the first couple of hits she might’ve wrapped everything up hours ago, wrapped and packaged with a nice bow delivered straight to Celestia.

That was if she wasn’t so damn tired. If she had the energy to spare. If she even had the capacity to summon an ounce of power.

“Better,” he grunted. Mobilizing another shadow beam he took his time before releasing it. He stared intently into her eyes beckoning her to move.

He was toying with her. He was never interested in a full-fledged fight. He was never interested in seeing ponies hurt physically. Caligo instead, basked in their anguish and now he was leeching off of Twilight’s.

He gave a knowing smile, communicating more than snide words ever could before he launched his attack. It was all too much for her. Twilight quickly rolled to the right avoiding the powerful beam of magic.

Every month, every week, she chose to open her eyes to live another day in the world. And every day without fail the day seemed to fade back into a gray watercolour wash. She was so exhausted from trying. She would lie in bed thinking of reasons to get up and try again.

However, now instead of her comfortable bed, she was lying on the cold rough surface of the ground, certainly ready for her death. Not exactly the ideal spot to contemplate whether or not she should move. The obvious answer was ‘of course! Vanquish the villain while you’re at it!’ but Twilight didn’t have that drive in her anymore. Even after feeling the threat and pain, she didn’t feel anything.

A small filly on a slide at a park had more incentive and motivation than she did.

Twilight winced. Equestria would be so confused if they saw her right now. Why wasn’t the Princess who swore to protect me not doing her job? Why isn’t she moving? This isn't the same pony who banished multiple foes. Why are we putting our faith in her?

A hiccup, a stumble, and a fall were the same thing. Things she couldn't afford to show, to slip that moment of weakness for the whole world to gawk at. Even in the dark, without the peering eyes, her mind raced to what the ponies who admired her would think. She was letting everyone down and they didn't even know.

“I find no enjoyment in this. We’re going in circles,” Caligo said, leaning down to meet his foe.

Twilight blinked, expecting anger to erupt from her being and utilize it to banish her enemy. But the anger wasn’t there. Nor was her ability to want to move out of the way.

She had secretly hoped that after all the villains she had encountered over the years surely they would get easier. And they had. So then why was she having such a hard time? It wasn’t fair at all. Twilight knew she sounded childish, thinking about this as if it was siblings bickering. She could almost hear how pathetic it sounded: ‘I’ve worked so hard and gotten great grades and you gave me the smaller half of the donut?!’ but it was more like: ‘I’ve defeated much tougher opponents and garnered great esteem but now I can’t even get off the ground?’

Twilight was wallowing in self-pity now. The feeling of helplessness becoming too much. It seemed to strain her more than her physical injuries did.

Caligo’s leaned his narrow face up to hers, searching wildly with his cunning eyes, as to inspect her like a map, “I’m confused this was what the god-like Princesses, who ruled for millennia, send? An ill-equipped Princess who barely has the will to move out of the way when she’s perfectly capable of moving?”

Twilight actually laughed at his comment and at the idea of villains getting choosy with who they fight. Villains after villains, conquest after conquest, with her beloved friends. She should be revered! But she wasn’t.

What would her friends think if they had seen her now? What was she even doing lying idly? Would they also doubt her ability? Would they pity her?

‘Even without us we know you’ll kick that centipede's butt!’ she heard Rainbow Dash’s words clearly.

Pinkie Pie threw herself onto her and shook her whole being to the core. Twilight could feel the rattling from her brain hitting the edge of her skull, ‘And once you return home in one piece we will throw you the biggest party ever!’

‘Mhm, we will wait for you, Twilight!’ Fluttershy added.

Rarity nodded, ‘You can do it, darling!’

‘I packed extra apple crumble muffins so you can always regain your energy in an instant, ye hear me?’ Applejack said stuffing a brown paper bag into Twilight’s saddle bag.

‘More importantly, return safely!’ Spike remained and tapped the side of her leg reassuringly.

And though at the time her friend’s encouraging words never reached her she felt the need to uphold them in this instant. It ignited a fire inside the hollow void, making her forgo all doubt and fear for a moment. A moment was all she needed. With all her strength, Her horn flared, burning with enough light to fill the encased shadow realm. Twilight saw the slight upturn of Caligo’s mouth. It was a smile.

“It’s not going to last, you’ll be on the ground again by sunset whether you defeat me or not. Unmoving.”

And that was correct. She would feel the exhaustion all over again. She will feel pointless again and ask herself the same question, ‘What am I even doing.’ But for now, she couldn’t let them down. She never had before.

Author's Note:

I'm ripping off the design from that monster dean lady who was in Monsters University for Caligo. So if you were struggling to picture what he looks like, imagine the monster demon from Monsters University...

The will versus want. For Twilight she has a strong desire to get up and continue, but she has no energy to continue. So as she stumbles and falls again, and again she becomes angry. Not at the villain, but rather at herself and her inability to move. And though she may have defeated the villain, the difficulty of simply getting up still remains.

Comments

[Ralyx]

Still what irked the Princess'

Still, what irked the Princesses

[stillwedding]

11326588
Thank you, fixed it!

[hmaf43]

That villian guy is so edgy and poetic that he was willing to prove his point by recieving direct blast from an alicorn. Lol

[stillwedding]

11327267
LMFAO edgy is the perfect way to describe him