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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Good story so far. Nice idea to add megaton's bomb into the story. Btw if gigaton's walls are like 20 feet thick then that could be a new stable door. P.P.S I like this story very much consider me a critic for this story.
not good at all hopefully the balefire missile is disarmed safely also I bet you the King is Arias brother guaranteed its him looking towards the next good chapter again
1620983 Thank you. And just you wait until the next chapter. That's when things get REALLY interesting. Let's just say something happens that has Aria give in to the flame a little bit and...
1621027 Nice.
Alright, so yeah. This is more or less a good story so far. It has the potential to go on to match any Fallout Equestria fic I care to name in terms of quality. It hasn't yet, but at the moment it's paced well enough and intriguing enough to go on to do so.
However, there's one thing that's starting to worry me, and that's the protagonist.
I do like Aria. She's an intriguing idea, and that main idea is a fish that's totally out of water. Someone from before the war, that's now a witness to the post apocalyptic hell of the wastes. This is shown nicely through her curse replacement and a few other things. She still really is that slightly immature, bookish nerd that would have survived and thrived before the war. Even with all her military training, I get the impression she's really not cut out for the dog eat dog world of the wastes in the way that Blackjack from Project Horizons or Silver Storm from Heroes is. I like that, I think it's an interesting angle to take.
And you're not really taking it.
Despite the strong personality she has, and a really good foundation to be what I described above, so far she feels... I dunno. Still a bit too accepting of all of this. I'm not asking for her to whiny or mopey, but maybe you should play on her being from the past a bit more heavily. Maybe have think 'wastelanders are crazy!' or take issue with public hygiene, or complain about the lack of amenities or something. Just something to make her feel less like, 'yo, everything's different. I can dig that,' if you know what I mean. You have to remember, this is a Fallout Equestria fic, and your protagonist needs to be a good one. As in a really good one. When you're being compared to the likes of Blackjack, Littlepip. Silver Storm, Puppy Smiles and Murky, you have to remember that this is a quite a high bar.
At this stage Aria doesn't feel quite flawed enough. Maybe that's on it's way, maybe you could make her a racist towards non ponies, or irrationally afraid of ghouls and other wasteland mutant critters. Something that might help her be less calm about everything.
I also feel the need to mention her skill set. At this stage she can hack terminals, use combat magic, she uses a sword and shield so she's set to develop her close combat skills, she's a science nerd, and she's got great leader ship skills. I'm not sure how well all those skills really mesh. I'm unconvinced that someone with a strong military background focussed on combat would really have the time to develop their skills with computers or really become a sciencey tech head. Especially not if they graduated top of their class. Would she really have had time for anything other than her studies and training?
I'm not saying I have a problem with her becoming powerful and dangerous, after all Blackjack is probably the most deadly thing in the waste by the end of Project Horizons, but that has to be a much more gradual process than what you have here so far. Ease back on some of her skills a bit is all I say. Don't feel the need to introduce her sudden expertise at medicine or energy weapons just yet. If she's using that sword and shield, then I don't mind her getting better with them as the story progresses, but she's already a combat mage, she doesn't need to be much more than that for a while.
Now, I have to say, Aria is not Mary Sue yet, but you're angled in that direction. Really be careful there. At this stage I can't actually list a negative trait for her, other than perhaps immature. I really think the angle of irrational fear of wasteland creatures might be a good way to go.
Oh and I have to say I didn't like the King. Not because he was the badguy, I'm supposed to not like the badguy, no I didn't like the king because he wasn't particularly interesting or well written. You basically explained him in the first chapter he appeared. On top of that when he talks he's wrong about who killed Ace and Ten, and he totally freaks out about Aria. He doesn't feel like a scary or effective villain. Think about Red Eye and Sanguine. They worked because the reader really got to see how fucked up and evil they were before they met them. Here, we just have Shadow Buck assuring us that he's a badguy. We're yet to see his evil acts, but no don't worry, he really is the badguy and scary. Well I'm not scared. And his speech about players of the game felt pretentious and silly more than anything else.
All you've done here is told the reader 'this is a big deal' without giving them a chance before hand to even really care. It didn't work. I may be being harsh, but you've done yourself a disservice by introducing the King like that. And he could've been cool too. There's nothing wrong with the concept behind him and the royal flush, but you've killed two of them already and somehow the audience is supposed to think of this is a really big deal when we haven't gotten the chance to see why. It didn't even seem particularly hard at the time.
Oh, and I assume that the flush changed their names to suit there respective cards, and at the same time Shadow Buck and those other Steel Rangers did so too. Is that a deliberate comparison meant to make me question both factions respective roles? If so, then it worked.
Anyway, I do like this story and look forward to more, but you've got a lot of potential here and it doesn't seem like your angled to use as much of it as you can. It actually feels like you're heading in the wrong direction.
Oh! And just saying this now, but if Aria starts collecting Ministry Mare statuettes then I'm out. There is no way you could possibly justify it in Fallout Equestria cannon.
1624113 Okay, that's a lot to digest, so I'll start where you started. I think the constant emotional breakdowns are a serious way she's not just "Everything's fine, I can dig it." She was told the world was destroyed and had to fight and kill ponies and spent most of one chapter crying. She gets out into the world and breaks down three times under the pressure. Her reactions to Wasteland life are just beginning. She's only really seen the raiders, ghouls (which terrify her), Stable Sixty-Three, and Voidowls. She flips out when she sees Iron Will the Brahmintaur, especially after what the BoS told her about them.
On the topic of her tech skills, she's not that great. Both terminals she's hacked have been because she had insight into the pony who the terminal belonged to. She knew Hoofentrotter calling Daring "D.D." so DeeDee seemed appropriate for a six letter password. ElegantRose was another obvious password for Starshine's computer. Remember that Melody had to help her remember the hacking protocols and an eleven letter code was completely beyond her if not for what the password was. I can assure you, other terminals will not be so easy.
On negative traits, I actually have that lined out. Like you said, she's immature and overly emotional, she's mentally unstable with an inferiority complex that she tries to hide from people even before she even ended up in the future. She thinks she's absolutely worthless now that she can't use magic, even after she uses her smarts to figure out a way out of Ace's trap. She's not all that observant when it comes to things that should be obvious, (She misses a lot of things that are right in front of her usually with social stuff) and she is (As you will see later and is completely understandable) racist towards zebras. Also, she's almost useless with a gun in combat and is useless at fire arms without her magic. Her lightning bolt spell is her ONLY viable ranged attack and I've established that its draining to use it to kill instead of stun.
She's a smart pony who sought to go to Luna's school for most of her life and spent the past two years training to be a guard, hence the strength and stamina. Her talent is magical combat, so being a "battle mage" as you put it is natural for her. Just because a person starts being more physical, doesn't mean you stop loving books and learning, which she didn't. I'm trying to have her flaws be more subtle, especially since most of them are mental and most people try to hide their flaws from others. No one just goes around telling people what they suck at.
Third, I can again assure you that King's "freak out" is justified. He somehow knows who Aria is and is confronted with someone who should be dead from before the bombs even fell. I don't care how evil and cool you are, you see someone you know is dead walking around, you'll freak out too. I won't continue since I don't want to give anything away, but his freak out is justified. On the subject of King, he's a villain, but DEFINITELY not the main villain of the story. Not every villain can be this grand schemer, even when he thinks he is. Not every megalomaniac is a Red Eye.
You also have to remember, Ten was the leader of the raider assault on Stable Sixty-Three and they have access to some serious firepower. (Balefire eggs) He was also the weakest of the Flushers. Ace's fall, on the other hand, is a reference to the duality of the Ace card and will be explained later. King, Queen, and Jack will not go down so easily. Again, I won't go any further, but there is a purpose to that scene. I can't really defend King & the Royal Flush raiders without giving stuff away.
And on the subject of statuettes, I wasn't planning on it. The Applejack statuette was a bit of a red herring. It's there because EVERY protagonist grabs them without much reason to, especially their first. Think about it. She sees a statuette of the Ministry Mares on the Overmare's desk. Why would she take it? She has no reason to. She doesn't know they're magical and it belongs to the Overmare. There's a reason the Overmare of Stable Sixty-Three has one and that will be brought up later.
I understand your complaints, I really do, but I have a full story planned out. Aria has some serious flaws, they're just harder to see because she's a smart pony who's trained to be tougher. They're emotional and mental instead of physical. She's not physically weak like Littlepip or slower than most like Blackjack. I mean, Aria is an emotional and mental train wreck that's barely holding on. She's just entered the Wasteland really. Give it some time, especially when we see what happens when she snaps.
1624365
Well alright then. You do seem to know what you're doing, but I can only tell you how I'm perceiving the story so far. You say she's emotionally unbalanced, but so far that doesn't feel like it's affected her effectiveness. If she breaks down in future then great, but she hasn't yet, and I can't see your plan, so I can only respond to what I see here. Yes she cried, but that scene was interrupted before it could go anywhere and in the following scene she just seemed like she was over it. Yes she's cried since she's left the vault, but what I'm more interested in seeing is her casual actions reflecting her being out of date. Small things someone now a days would do, or expect to be able to do, but some one in the wasteland wouldn't be interested in or view as down right foolish. Like undressing to sleep or not keeping a round chambered or something. Really it's up to you. At this stage she feels like a particularly emotional wastelander rather than someone that's been completely uprooted and dropped down in the middle of hell. Yes it's only chapter four, and maybe I should be more patient and just wait for these things to start to pile on, but I'm not seeing them yet, and I'm letting you know that.
What you say about negative traits does sound fine though, the problem is I hadn't really noticed too many of those problems other than immature. Sure I can see them know you've pointed them out, but I hadn't noticed them at the time. That either means I'm an idiot, easily possible, or perhaps they weren't clear enough to the audience. Interpret it how you see fit. Weakness in combat also wasn't really the sort of thing I was talking about. It's a good thing to have yes, but not what I was referring too. Still, I'm glad to see that you've thought of it.
Alright, well if the King's not supposed to be that important then that's not worrying me too much. So, you're honestly telling me the reason he didn't feel well written, was because he wasn't supposed to be particularly frightening? Alright then. If that's the case, and the heavy pretentiousness I got from him was deliberate, than that criticism/complaint is withdrawn. It's just you had Shadow Buck react like he was extremely serious, so as the reader I assumed he was supposed to be someone comparable to Red Eye or another villain along those lines. I'll see where you go with this before I start complaining about them again.
Glad to hear that about the statuettes. I actually found Blackjack collecting them in Project Horizons a bit of a stretch at the time. I just saw that the office and thought 'there's only supposed to be a handful of those things. don't tell me Aria's gonna go collecting all six like Blackjack and Littlepip.' But if you're not gonna have her collect those then good.
Anyway, I really do like this story so far, and I'm sorry to compare it to other Fallout Equestria fics so much, but I figured that was common ground that you'd read, so if I made a comparison or example you'd understand it.
Oh biscuits.
I started reading this before I created my account so after read it all I completely forgot about it.
Luckily I happened upon it today and to my surprise there was a new chapter!
Is it my Birthday already? You shouldn't have.
_________________________________________
If it weren't for FoE and PH I probably never would have found this.
I was still going through Project Horizons withdrawl. so I tried to find another Epic to read
I will not be able to criticize/rate anything in this post because I'm emotionally filled with positivity.
(I Think It's more because you're insecure and don't want people to know your opinion for fear of being mocked.) Shut up Brain!
1681713 So I'm guess that means you like it? If so, thank you. Also, new chapter of Project Horizons came out yesterday, fyi.
1681769
That was mostly mindless ranting. The more time I spend on this site the more I act stupid/annoying.
But I digress, yes I really like "A Guardian's Tale".
1731637 First off, yes, I am still updating the fic. I'm actually going to finish the next chapter soon. I think I've found a good place to split the chapter into two parts. I realized that if I kept the chapter as one whole entity, it would have been 30-40k words and at least 61 pages long. Yeah, so I should have Chapter Five: The Path To Hell: Part One up by the end of the week/Monday at the latest. (Proofreading, edits, and pre-reader edits still need to be done when I finish it.
Second off, Wow, I'm glad you liked it so much you made a FimFiction account. That actually makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, or maybe that was the 9 1/2 hour night shift I just got off of.
Third, and most important, you used Post Script and further Post Post Scripts correctly! I don't know how many times I see people write P.S.S. Drives me up the wall!
If that's a gigaton yield bomb, then that's even worse than megaton's bomb, which had a mere megaton yield. Although, having a nuclear bomb that could go off is bad, no matter the explosion size. I don't think you'll be able to outrun the blast or survive the fallout.
AWSOME