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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Uh, your entire chapter is centerized. That deliberate? If not, than you might want to fix that.
2176700 I fixed it. I don't know what the heck happened. It wasn't like that when I hit publish, but I thought up one line to add near the end and came back and saw it. I have no idea why it did that, sorry.
Some of the italic parts (like the message to
Octavia) are not italicised anymore. Just letting ya know.
Great chapter. Keep it up!
As a personal thought, I think you should put proper spaces in your writing, skipping a line, instead of just going to the next one. It's a bit hard to read right now, and the only stopping me from giving up is the talking. I know it will be really annoying to go through, but... :P I really love this story though! So... many... feels!
EXAMPLE:
“What’s what?” Shadow asked, stopping to look at me funny.
Suddenly, a rose colored mare stepped out onto a second story balcony with a strange, rather large gun on her back. Spreading her legs to brace herself, she fired and the launched a large, green orb directly at the boat. Shadow watched in horror as the balefire egg arched over the manor fence and broke open on the deck of the ship, right between two very surprised acolytes.
FUSH... BOOM!
As the balefire egg erupted into an inferno of green fire, the flash temporarily blinding me as the miniature mushroom cloud began to build up towards the sky and a blast of super heated air struck us like a sky chariot. Knocking us all off our hooves and onto the hard cobblestone street beneath us, I even fell on Golden Star’s statuette as something sharp dug into my back between the plates of my armor, but didn’t cut me. Ow! That tiny horn hurt!
2180300 It's so weird. The first three chapters transferred with spaces, but since then they haven't. I think there was an update and Google Docs to FimFiction has been complete crap. I'll try to fix everything.
good chapter again really liked it
Again a lovely chapter, just don't make the people wait so long from now on!! Just write more small chapters, at least the suspense won't be so terrible
2183093 I'll try, but that chapter was such an important chapter that I scrapped the opening twice and rewrote it and rewrote the Nightmare Aria scene like three times. Also, Ni No Kuni... Amazing game, but I lost a week to it.
2181364 I'm sorry for being a douche. I really don't know how Fimfiction works. Thanks for replying!
2401314 Haha, maybe. You're the first person to actually comment on the Lightning Charge. Anyway, glad you like it. School plus Real Life and that writing contest I entered have delayed Chapter 8, but I'm hoping to have it through editing by the end of the week. (It didn't help that last weekend I finished it, read through it, and scrapped the second half of it for a better conclusion to the chapter).
First, on the chapter:
I find it worth noting that Dashites aren't 'shoot on sight'. The whole reason they aren't just executed is that the Enclave isn't enthusiastic about thinning out the pegasus population even more.
In the main story Dashites became a 'liability' after General Harbinger was blown up on his visit to the Goddess and the Enclave started to swing into action, since now Dashites were directly on the side of 'the enemy', aka the wastelanders.
It may be an oversight, or it just may be an indicator that it's less than a week until 'The Day Of Sunshine and Rainbows'.
The scene feels kind of disappointing and overdone that the Enclave soldiers are so cartoonishly evil, although again that may be a result of the flame warping Aria's perception as a very unreliable narrator for its own ends.
(Although, through the course of events it's hard to see exactly how the latter would be the case and that the Enclave is just full of utter psychopaths for whatever reason...)
Overall, now that I've caught up:
If there's one major complaint that I have, it's that it feels like the story seems to be pretty blatantly upstage the original with an even bigger threat.
It's a large pet peeve of mine when the narrative appears to follow 'bigger = better' or make the events of the original dependent on the actions of the sidefic's mane character.
HOWEVER, due to the very good actual writing and pacing within the scenes themselves, I'll be suspending my reservations while I wait for the next chapter.
My jury's still out on the overarching plot, but I'm liking the story regardless based on the things it conclusively does well. Fave and thumbs up!
2420313 On the Enclave thing, I remember those Enclave soldiers being pretty adament about taking in Calamity at Spike's Cave and just framed it like cops. Most cops want to take in a wanted criminal, but some are shoot first so I just went with those Enclave soldiers being the shoot first, ask questions later (Hence one reason why they shot first and then decided to brand to cover up their mistake.)
Anyway, while Aria's confrontation with Voidheart is prophecized as important, I ask that you at least hold on until then and more of the Guardian's Prophecy is revealed. I can assure you that Aria's Tale takes a much more personal turn while still resolving the mysteries of the Eternals and the prophecy. I'm not trying to have Littlepip's story be dependent on Aria's actions, but in all honesty it would be kind of hard to save the world if a dark god of destruction took over, wouldn't it?
Again, thanks for your input and I hope you enjoy reading more. The next chapter should be done and published in a few days; we're on final edits.
2420471 Well, even in that case it still seemed a little extreme on the sides of the Enclave soldiers. Shooting first isn't much of a stretch, yes, but the whole thing devolved into raider levels of messed up.
I mean, I know the Enclave are an easy target to paint as evil (mostly because its leadership kind of -is- evil), but such barbaric brutality just seems off, especially since the arguable majority of soldiers are 'Punch Clock Villains' fighting for what they've been brought up under.
Similar to Aria herself, who still much dislikes zebras and now that I mention it, SnR would be pretty much a shock to them as the megaspell exchange was to Aria, even is quite a bit less extreme.
And yes, like I said I've not made up my mind yet and so far I'm going to keep reading and enjoying the story!
Seriously? I was pretty sure 200 rads was pretty much dead. This seems a little overdone, especially all of that stuff together.