Micheal flies down to the ground, his face indiscernible and horn glowing menacingly. His eyes are teary, but he has a manic grin. His head is tilted to the side as his horn glows brighter with energy. However, before the final blow is struck a white light erupts from city, blinding me for a second. The light is shining from the highest tower, and Celestia floats out and seems to ride the light over the gates to our location. Our eyes meet for a split second before Michael jumps into the air to confront her.
What am I doing down here? I should be up there helping Celestia. I don't want Michael to completely lose himself, I still think there is time to save him. As I prepare to take off, the clot growing more firm and a pressure building in my chest, I hear Celestia in my head. "not yet" was all she said. Their animated exchange continues a few more seconds before 3 lightning streams fly toward the Princess.
Celestia raises one hoof and creates a barrier which absorbs the 3 attacks, a small, mocking, smirk forming on her face. Michael, becoming enraged, lowers his head and lifts his hooves higher toward his horn combing the 3 streams of lightning into a single beam. The blue glow returns, Michael is glowing blue. Now!
I feel my chest explode as I open my mouth and propel the clot that formed in my throat. The flaming amorphous mucous heads directly toward Michael, a furious eye parting away from Celestia has he flings a hoof over and forms a barrier. My flaming mucous splatters over his barrier. A light which I can only describe as holy bursts from Celestias entire body, completely masking Michaels existence. Neither his body nor my blue light can be seen in the encompassing aura. "No!", I flare my wings and launch myself toward Michael. I don't want him dead.
The light disperses and Michael falls, flames covering his body. I have to go catch him, I'm not going to just let him fall and burn to death. I should be fire retardant, I just shot out a fire ball. ... the flames hurt, but aren't really burning me. I have to put out these flames, there is a lake a while off. Damn, why are Alicorns so heavy? I'm definitely going to save him though!
As I commit to saving my friend, the flames die down and disperse. Now that the fire threat is gone, I lower Mike down near Princess Luna. I hear what sounds like a meter falling, look up and see Celestia falling straight down to the earth with her wings pointing straight up. Right before hitting the ground she thrusts her wings down and lands 'relatively' softly.
"Oh, so you catch these two, but just leave me to fall hmm?" Celestia has joking smile on as she leans down to me.
"... My apologies Princess." I try and kneel, but fall too hard on my knee and fall forward, touching my face to Celestia's hoof.
"Oh, a simple apology will do" Celestia giggles holding a hoof to her mouth. "but your friend, I'm afraid, is in a much more dire situation. It's not everyday my throne is threatened by a mad Alicorn. Bringing you here was the right choice, you are definitely making things more interesting."
"What's going to happen to my friend?"
"Well my dear sister attempted a similar feat 1000 years ago, and was banished to the moon. I wonder myself what a fitting punishment should be for an Alicorn I bear no relation to. *sigh* It is a difficult task to maintain ones sanity when contending with the overwhelming power of an Alicorn. Even natural born Alicorns have difficulty maintaining sanity when their power nears it's peak, a human having that power thrust upon them ... I am surprised the power did not consume him completely, he is indeed special as well. But, I'm afraid he will not be permitted to remain an Alicorn."
"Is there anything you can do?"
"He will need a new body. I should be able to separate his Alicorn traits and make him a normal pony, even though I have never attempted such a feat before. It is customary to return unruly Alicorns to the eternal herd in the afterlife."
"I don't understand why he came here as an Alicorn in the first place. Can you make him a Pegasus? It was what we planned on in the first place... I'd rather him not die like this"
"I was going to fashion him an Earth Pony body, but perhaps I can manage a Pegasus. Neither race is any greater or lesser than the other. In exchange for this transformation I require something from you though."
"What do you need?"
"I would like you to willingly consent to live in the castle for the time being. I know you would rather live a peaceful life in ponyville, but due to the series of events that have occurred, and the events that will occur, I would will that you do not live that life right now."
Living in the castle shouldn't be too bad. "I will live in the castle, now what will happen to my friend?"
"I will transform him into a winged pony and remove his horn. Aulthough I am allowing your friend to be reborn into a Pegasus, being an Earth pony would not have been a punishment. That is something you must remember." Celestia thinks for a moment, then smiles. "Very well let us begin. I will transform his body, then have him establish a life and learn the value of friendship in Ponyville. Is that suitable enough for you my ... New student?"
"Thank you your Highness, yes that is, ... New student?"
"Yes, I have grown rather lonely with Twilight having left the castle. I will send your friend to be her student, and will take you in as mine. I will train your body to contain your power and teach you to better control your magic."
"Thank you Princess" So I can use magic! That's pretty cool. Mike is lucky going to live in ponyville, but Princess Celestia didn't need to use him to get me to agree to living in the castle. She is the God of this land, a Goddess that is standing right beside me. I'm not sure there is an order I would refuse.
"I prefer not to order ponies around. If I need to I will, but I would rather rule in a way where everypony has a choice in what they do and how they live."
That makes sense... wait, did she just read my mind?
"Yes I did"
Damn, I'm going to have to be careful.
"Careful of what may I ask?"
"Oh, nothing Princess, my mind just tends to wander sometimes. I fear I may think something that offends you."
"Haha, well I tend to easily forgive what I see in ponies minds. I try not to govern what ponies think, just lead them to the proper choice when they act. Now, for your friend." Michael begins to glow white on the ground as Celestia closes her eyes. I have no idea how much power Celestia has since she is able to create a whole new body. Michael shrinks and takes the form of a Pegasus, angular features and solid frame. "And now to remove his horn."
Michaels frame shrinks slightly smaller; his features more rounded, and his lower 'horn' retreating into his body. Michael reformed as a mare!
"Perhaps that will tamper her temperament, ... or make it more erratic. Either way, she should definitely learn something from the experience." Celestia smiled as she materialized a slip of paper that I caught with my mouth. "This pass will get you into the castle. You may walk your friend to Ponyville, but don't enter the town. I'm excited to begin our training."
I don't believe Michael is a mare. This is going to be a little weird. "Dank eww brinceess" I tried to say 'thank you princess' but the paper in my mouth butchered my words.
"Hmm, let's also give you this" she materialized a beige saddlebag and used her magic to fasten it to myself. Princess Celestia and the unconscious Princess Luna were covered in a bright white light as they vanished from view, teleporting away.
Michael continues to lay there asleep. What got into you Michael? It's so unlike you to go crazy and start causing havoc for no good reason. I wonder if he will remember any of this? ... how long is he going to sleep? I nudge his ... her head with my hoof; I'm not supposed to be out for a long time. The dark cloud Michael formed before is now almost completely broken up, the bright sun filling the area with light once again.
"Let's go take a look at that lake." I nuzzle my head under Michael and lift her onto my back. I couldn't really lift an Alicorn, but a small Pegasus is a lot easier to manage. I spread my wings and take off. Despite the awkward position of her on my back, her front hooves hanging down by my neck and rear cradling my flank, it's actually still really easy to fly. I don't know if it's because she's a mare, a Pegasus or what, but there is almost no difference from what I felt like flying on my own. "What am I going to call you? Michael sounds to weird, but it's all I have to go on right now." I land by the lake and put Michael on the ground beside it. I was just going to dump her in, but that might be a little too harsh. Michael is a girl now after all, who knows how much that actually changed her. And if she's going to ponyville to make her first appearance to Twilight and the others, I don't want her being all wet and muddy. I scoop my hoof into the lake and splash water on her face.
"Aw, common!" Michael calls out as she rubs her face with her forearm, "I was having a great dream." her eyes never open as she continues to snuggle against her own arm. "Wow, this blanket is fucking soft"
"Michael? Time to get up sleepy head." I gently poke her shoulder.
"John?" Micheal slowly opens his eyes and looks into my face. "EEK" she jumps up and tries to run, only to fall onto her face. She leans back, sitting on her haunches looking at her hooves. "Hooves?"
I walk up a little closer to her, "don't you remember coming here at least?", I sit down also, trying to look less intimidating.
Michael composes herself, closing her eyes and starting to think. "Not really, I remember the party, the car. I laid down and closed my eyes with Erica. ... and I must have fallen asleep. Everything became very quiet and peaceful. ... and warm. Then you splashed cold water in my face." Michael opened her eyes and looked at me."Am I dreaming?"
"Nothing before that? No whiteness or anything? Voices?"
1284103
You're using your story blatantly wrong. I'm sorry, but the basic formula 'human dies, goes to Equestria' is used so often that the Human tag is made up largely of this kind of story. Without something to set your story apart from the masses, you'll just be another boring story following the same formula.
I'm sorry, but I think I'll have to add it to read later... Actually, I'll read the first chapter and decide afterwards. Here's to 2am!
1284103 A couple of problems instantly jump out at me:
* Luna is badly out of character. She'd never attempt to kill someone like that.
* Michael is a Gary Stu (a character that is ridiculously perfect / overpowered, etc). I mean he shows up in Equestria, hasn't even been a pony for a day, and he so easily defeats Princess Luna, who according to your own story synopsis, is a Goddess? It's simply not believable. And it's one of the hallmarks of a Gary Stu character.
Choo Choo...
I liked it. I don't read many human in Equestria and but so far they've all been fairly good. This one included. I'll watch this and see what happens
1353777
I know it's a painfully common story type, which is why I alerted the reader to it right away. If you're not into that type of story, move on to the next :P plenty to choose from. Figured I would go for something basic for a first story.
1353787
It's true I don't understand Luna as well as I would like. I need to re-watch the Nightmare Night episode and get a better feel for her, because more of her is comming up soonish images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120612054105/tehkittycat/images/0/05/FluttershyWinkEmote.png I may reword some of her dialog, but I figured her mindset would revert to the times 1000 years ago when under stress. And yes he is a Gary Stu character atm, he defeated the goddess, but at the time was technically a god :/. He loses much of his power and becomes more flawed in later chapters. I'm still debating how integral to make him to the story. (and if he should still be overpowered in some ways)
1353831
It's true idk how to fly :P, my only thought was that birds are thrown from their nest and just know how to start flying, while animals tend to take longer to start walking and running well.
1353850
That was the idea, even though the main character didn't try to become an Alicorn ;) I may make this a point of conflict between the characters at some point.
1353853
I've seen you post this several times, but for the life of me can't find out what it actually means images1.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty4s/images/5/55/Facebook.png someone is about to get hit by a flaming train.
1354062 You should probably consider that for many people, including me, coming across a character so early in a story that is clearly a Gary Stu is a show stopper. It's basically the point at which I, and many other readers, decide we aren't going to spend any more time on a story. Trying to say "at the time, he was technically a god" only reinforces the Gary Stu aspect of it. Gary Stu characters tend to leave a really bad taste in people's mouth. And they are enough to make most people stop reading, especially when encountered so early in the story.
1354062
I can actually answer that for you. It's a not so subtle way of saying that a story is heading towards being a train wreck. Again, partly because of some of the reasons I pointed out. Gary Stu human characters going to Equestria is usually a pretty strong red flag that a nasty train wreck is coming.
1354200
He is defeated and transformed in the next chapter, but It is true Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters are quite unpopular (I also don't like reading about them, so I guess I am kinda a hypocrite in that regard :P) It turned me off a story I was enjoying while back, but with shorter chapters I try to see where the author is going with it for a little while. (but he made it clear they were there to stay)
But I do understand introducing one so early doesn't give people enough time to become interested enough in the story to try to stick it out. It's kinda already stuck in my mind that he starts off superpowered and quickly normalizes tho, so I don't think I will change it for this story. I will keep it in mind for future works though, so thank you for your input images1.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty4s/images/0/0a/Pinkie_pie_vector_i_m_about_to_be_brilliant_by_vetali-d4k0nyk.png
1354216
Ty, I guessed as much :P
1354263
That may be true. But again, most people who don't like Gary Stu's aren't going to bother reading the next chapter to find that out. Because you've already lost them as a reader by making him a Gary Stu in the first place.
It's your story, of course. I'm just pointing out that you are going to lose a lot of readers before he gets defeated. Because many people, upon seeing such a blatantly obvious Gary Stu, are going to stop reading right there.
I like the consept, Its a bit different than all the other human in equestria storys. Keep up the good work!
Hmmm not to shabby. a dragon pony and living in tje palace interesting
1353787
After reviewing the Nighmare Night episode several times, I (slightly) changed Luna's lines in chapter 3 to better get across her motivation and desire. I changed it from her wanting to kill him to subdue him :P
(the episode doesn't actually say too much about her. She want's to be liked, is impatient, sarcastic and a little pessimistic.)