Six Hoof Under

by Dr Gluefoot

Chapter 3 - The Fruits of Labour

One week later, the string of ponies was gathering fruit to replenish their supplies.

“I miss those fantastic apples that Applejack used to sell at the Ponyville market,” Longrange sighed as he rapidly flung his arrow through the stalks of the apples in a tree.

“They were amazing,” Maregyver agreed as she caught the apples with the leaf green aura emanating from her horn’s net tool, “I owe my life to that filly Apple Bloom. She’s the one that rebuilt my horn after a drony claw took it off.” She began to systematically levitate the apples into everypony’s saddlebags.

“Apple Bloom? Ya know THE Apple Bloom?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked in shock, kicking the tree behind him hard enough to make it fall on Tippy and her apple basket. “The Carnage Mark Crusaders are the greatest drony-hunters in Equestria.”

The sound of a giggle came from underneath the tree, followed by the sound of an apple crunching.

“Oh my Celestia the Carnage Mark Crusaders are absolutely amazing,” Scoutabout gushed as she dropped from the tree tops and landed, “SON OF A MULE! Why the buck do people keep leaving these around?” She pulled the Lego from her hoof and flicked it into her saddlebags. “Scootaloo is the fastest coolest most awesome drony-hunter ever she’s never gotten a single injury and her scooter can shred dronies and has never even gotten a scratch on it.”

“Hey Maregyver, could you introduce me to Sweetie Belle sometime?” Longrange asked as his face turned a bright red.

“Awwww, of course I will,” Maregyver replied, her voice turning even more sickly sweet than usual, “She’s got a voice that can melt your heart.” Her voice became extremely serious as she added, “Seriously. I saw her sing the scales off a drony six months ago.”

“Will you please stop casually talking and help me get Tippy out from under the tree?” Zequa asked as he used the claws on his armour to scratch at the branches pinning her down. “You did a very good job with this armour, my dear. We just need something to protect my head.”

“It’s MY Skull!” Tippy angrily chirped from under the tree.

“We know it’s ya bucking skull,” Hoof-to-Hoof responded exasperatedly, “It took us three days for us to convince ya to let us wash it.”

“You pushed me in a river!”

“YOU were on fire! Now get out from there.”

“I’m stuck. It’s too heavy.”

Hoof-to-Hoof trotted to where Tippy was pinned down and gave the tree a swift kick with his front hoof, causing it to crack into sections. A light tap turned the section on top of Tippy into a pile of sawdust.

“I heard the Crusaders for Malady Control were making their way to clean up Manehattan six weeks ago,” Dr. Gluefoot interjected, “It would be interesting to see them again after all those years.”

“We’d be a lot bucking safer with ‘em around,” Hoof-to-Hoof agreed, “I’m all for finding ‘em.”

“I would very much like to meet the greatest strategic minds to ever hunt dronies,” Zequa added.

“I-I-I’d get to m-meet Sweetie Belle,” Longrange stuttered before fainting.

“I’m gonna meet Scootaloo I’m gonna meet Scootaloo I’m gonna meet Scootaloo,” Scoutabout blurted as she did backflips in the air.

“I’d love to see Apple Bloom again,” Maregyver commented, “Let’s go to Manehattan. Tippy? Come here sweetums.”

A munching sound came from the pile of sawdust as it began to shrink. A small whirlpool appeared at the top of the pile, growing larger as a skull emerged from the centre holding a basket full of apples.

The skull rattled with a burp and shot out of the pile followed by a giggling streak of red and blue. The giggling blur raced off into the distance.

“Scoutabout, would you be a dear and fetch Tippy?” Maregyver asked, “She’s going the wrong way. We’ll talk when you get back.”

“Goodie goodie goodie goodie goodie I’ll be right back,” Scoutabout’s voice came from the distance as her image disappeared.

---

“I’m hungry,” Tippy complained, “Can we have lunch?”

“Food food food food food food food!” Scoutabout cheered as she fell out of the sky and landed in a pile of leaves, “BUCK EVERYTHING!”

“We will have a one hour break,” Zequa announced, “It is a one month trot to Manehattan, so we cannot afford to waste time.”

“You guys got to do all that exposition in the last scene!” Tippy chirped angrily, “That messed up the story’s pace.”

“Tippy, get the buck over here,” Hoof-to-Hoof ordered.

“I don’t see how this scene contributes to the story in any way,” Tippy complained, “Just like how the last scene revealed that my tail is blue and how I was on fire for three da...”

Hoof-to-Hoof yanked the skull off of Tippy’s head before spinning around and giving her a double-legged kick to the face.

Maregyver sighed and started making adjustments to a small, metallic object while Zequa watched.

“Hey Hoofy!” Scoutabout called as she emerged from the pile of leaves and poured a stack of lego pieces into her saddlebags, “Heads up.” She pulled out an apple and threw it towards Hoof-to-Hoof.

The apple gracefully soared through the air, promptly hitting Longrange in the face.

“Gimme my skull!” Tippy roared as she galloped back while dragging a drony’s head in her teeth, “I can talk like this because it’s a filler scene. Don’t question it.”

“Don’t ya learn‽” Hoof-to-Hoof thundered, “Stupid question, but you’re the one with a brick on ya flank. Shut the buck up!”

“Got something for you,” she chirped as she dropped the head at Zequa’s hooves, “Can I have my skull back now?”

---

Four hours later, the string was trotting and talking on their path toward Manehattan, while Dr. Gluefoot insisted that he was walking and talking.

“Weeeeeehehehee!” Tippy squealed as she rode Scoutabout, “Tell me more.”

Scoutabout took a deep breath and began the babble, “Cloudsdale is really cool it’s where we make rainbows rain and it’s all made of clouds only pegasus ponies can go there unless you use magic to walk around there’s the best young flyer competition and the first sonic rainboom was done there I remember growing up near Rainbow Dash and she helped me out with my flying problems as a filly it was thanks to her training that I was able to outfly her when she had just turned and I should have been watching more guys we’re sorta surrounded...”

Scoutabout touched down and looked around. A hoard of dronies closed in behind them, snoarling loud enough to make Tippy’s cutie mark rattle.

“How the buck did we miss this?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked, noticing half of a drony in front of them. “Tippy. Where did ya get that head from a couple of hours ago?”

“Here,” Tippy chirped, “I ran away from these guys though.”

“Why didn’t ya tell us there were this many?”

“I’m tired,” Tippy shrugged while yawning. “I’m gonna have a nap.” She lay down and closed her eyes.

“I see smoke,” Zequa announced as he pointed into the distance.

*Chuff!* *Chuff!* *Chuff!* *Chuff!* *Chuff!* *Chuff!* *Chuff!*

“Not these guys,” Dr. Gluefoot sighed, his voice filled with a deep depression.

“♫Travelling drony-hunters nonpareil~!♫”

Comments

[XxX_ArCt1c-S3RB_420XxX]

omfg

[MrNumbers]

I suppose by now you're wondering about our peculiar mode of transport?

I say, our mode of evisceration

And I suppose by now you're wondering

- Why the heck is this fic so underrated?

[Dr Gluefoot]

1285624
I'm spending today writing their song.
You just gave me an idea for one of the lines I was having trouble with.

[Dr Gluefoot]

1358082
It's good to see I've got another person who favourited my story.

In relation to your concerns, I agree with them all.
I've got myself into a good place for the cursing from this point, as most of the meanings have been established and I've got the timing set out for each character.
The story's only just starting at this point, naturally there will be side-tracking events which get in their way. I tried to make it a bit confusing and off the wall, as my writing draws inspiration from Terry Pratchett and Derek Landy.
I'm always up for suggestions on formatting. Send me a message on how you think the formatting could be improved (formatting gives me the most trouble).

[Dr Gluefoot]

1358526
My editor and I had that concern at first, but then I thought that every male dog was a son of a bitch. It was the best I could think of for S.o.B.
Colt of a mare isn't the greatest curse (nor will it be the most used), but I thought that son of a mare didn't follow that pony-pun convention enough to give Dr. Gluefoot's speech pattern the best contrast.

[Dr Gluefoot]

1358560
Okay, you win on that one.
I'm editing it now.