A plague has broken out in Equestria and brings together an unlikely string of ponies.
Six years ago, a plague broke out in Equestria. The ponies affected turned into... something else.
A doctor, far-sighted unicorn, hyperactive pegasus, mechanical genius, zebra, short-tempered fighter and his little sister have just joined forces to survive the harsh wasteland.
What could possibly go wrong?
Important: All spelling and gramatical errors in speech are intentional, apart from those few that aren't.
The names and personalities of the characters Tipperary, Hoof-to-Hoof, Zequa, Scoutabout, Dr. Gluefoot, Maregyver and Zequa are my creations and intellectual property, as are dronies. I don't mind the use of dronies in other stories, but a mention is appreciated. To use one of the seven aforementioned characters in a story, it must not be for profit and you must seek my permission (I'll most likely be fine with it as long as you keep the character intact). The only reason I am adding this is because I may want to use these characters in a novel with appropriate changes due to copyright restrictions. I do not own My Little Pony blah blah blah etc.
A horrendous snort thundered as a pair of dronies emerged from the shadows, ending in a guttural snarl from lips of rotting scale. Covered in armour-like scales, larger than Roid Rage on a good day and more horribly shaped than a soufflé at a Vinyl Scratch gig, their necks glowed a sickly orange colour and occasionally spouted jets of flame.
...
Buck that, why start in chapter two where nopony knows what's happening‽ Let's start at the beginning of this story like sane ponies and not be idiots about it. So now it's time to break the ice and the fourth wall at the same time to set up a galloping gag.
“Hay there. Nice ta meetcha. I’m Tippy. Me and my big brother met up with some really funny ponies today. I’ll tell ya about them, ‘kay‽
There’s my brother, Hoof-tuh-Hoof, who’s really strong and nice unless ya make ‘im grumpy. His cutie mark’s a pointy knife an’ a funny-looking, pointy plate thingy. I dunno why there’s no fork. Before we met these funny guys, he’s bin looking after me since mum ‘n’ dad started their nap. I don’t think anything can stop ‘im. I hate it when ‘e calls me Tipperary though.
Scoutabout’s really pretty, really fast and neva stops flying. She’s got a cute mark of something Hoof-tuh-Hoof calls buh-lokka-nas, buh-nokkles, I fuhget. Her wings look really fluffiful and her coat looks like tha night sky. I wanna go flying but Hoof-tuh-Hoof is worried I’d get hurt.
Longrange’s kinda nice, but I don’t think Hoof-tuh-Hoof likes ‘im much. He wears really big glasses and has a cutie mark of what he calls a buwanurrow. I think it’s cool the way he uses his horn to shoot sticks inta trees.
I think Docta Gluefoot’s a weird unicorn. He’s always wearin’ a funny coat and doesn’t talk to anypony much, as he’s playing with his bubblies. When he talks, he uses funny words I don’t know and seems kinda sad. His cutie mark looks like a broken piece of metal covered in red syrup. I’ll ask Hoof-tuh-Hoof what it is later.
Zequa looks funny. He’s not got a cutie mark an’s stripey. I haven’t seen anypony like ‘im before, but I like ‘im. He seems kinda scared of everypony, but he’s nice. Docta Gluefoot’s always askin’ ‘im about anabonies he has, but Zequa doesn’ like it much.
Maregyver’s the coolest pony ever! She’s got a horn that keeps havin’ thingies flip out of it, an’ has a cutie mark that looks like a couple of the thingies, an’ is super-nice, an’ always tries makin’ Zequa smile, an’ is smart an’ funny an’ pretty. I wanna be like her when I’m a mare.”
“Tippy, who the buck are ya talkin’ to?” called out Hoof-to-Hoof.
“I dunno, but I feel like they don’ like it.”
“Then stop it and come get some sleep.”
Tippy cantered over to where Hoof-to-Hoof stood and lay down.
“Hoof-tuh-Hoof always watches as I go to sleep so the...”
Hoof-to-Hoof suddenly kicked out his right hindleg, making a crunching sound as it contacted Tippy’s face. The foal flew 15 hooves through the air and crashed headfirst into the ground at the base of a nearby tree, dripping blood on the ground as it trickled from her nose.
“I said stop it, you little... Oh buck! Are you okay Tippy? Doc, I could use ya help here. I’ve gotten stronger that I thought.”
“Everybody prevent yourself from attempting to assist, as it will most probably cause complications by interrupting my concentration,” Dr. Gluefoot said calmly as he trotted over and began to examine Tippy’s face.
“It seems as though the excess force from the impact of your third phalanx against her nasal bone caused a fracture which was exacerbated upon impact with the ground,” Dr. Gluefoot told Hoof-to-Hoof, straightening his glasses with a hoof, “which is relatively easy to treat but may have permanent effects upon her olfactory sensory uptake.”
“What the buck are ya talkin’ about Doc?” Hoof-to-Hoof replied in a concerned confusion.
“You broke her nose and there’s a chance she’ll lose her sense of smell,” Dr. Gluefoot explained. “I’ve got something in my saddlebags that should help with the pain though.”
He pulled out bandages and a vial of red bubbling liquid from his bags and proceeded to bandage Tippy’s nose while giving her the medicine to drink.
“It’s fizzy and taste like cherries,” Tippy giggled before wincing from the pain.
“It also helps you from getting hurt too much and helps cure the pain” Dr. Gluefoot replied with a smile on his face as he finished applying the bandages and replaced the vial in his bag. He then turned to the rest of the group and announced,
“We should all get some sleep now if we want to continue on in the morning. Hoof-to-Hoof, would you mind taking the first watch?”
“I might as well,” replied Hoof-to-Hoof, avoiding the glares of everypony who had seen what he had done, “go the buck to sleep.”
Later that night, as everypony was sleeping when Hoof-to-Hoof was keeping watch, Tippy woke up with her nose hurting again. She trotted over to Dr. Gluefoot’s and whispered, “Docta Gluefoot, my nose hurts. Can I have some more cherry bubbly?”
Dr. Gluefoot didn’t respond, letting out a grunt as he started to drool.
“Yay. Thanks Docta,” Tippy exclaimed quietly, letting out a small squeak. She started going through his saddlebag and pulled out a stoppered flask filled with red bubbling liquid. On the flask was a label with the word “CURE” written on it in carefully written, if slightly smudged, block letters.
“Cure... This is the cherry bubbly,” Tippy sang softly, then downed the flask in a single gulp. “EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!! This tastes like the time I ate a worm!” she screeched, waking everypony up with a start.
“What is it Tippy is it Them did something happen are you hurt are you scared?” Scoutabout blurted out as she flew to Tippy’s side and landed. “Ow! Every mare-bucking time!” she yelled. As she pulled something out of her hoof and flicked it away with her wing, she muttered “Who makes these things?”
“The Docta’s cherry bubbly I had isn’t cherry bubbly!” Tippy cried as Hoof-to-Hoof galloped to her panicking.
“You drank some of the Doc’s bucking medicines and you don’t know what the buck they bucking do‽ No wonder you’ve always had that cutie mark!” Hoof-to-Hoof scolded before spinning around on his front hooves and firmly thrusting his rear ones into her face, sending Tippy spiralling at the tree she had previously landed next to.
As Tippy hit the tree at a speed not even Scoutabout could follow with her eyes, it buckled, snapped and began to fall. Tippy then continued on her path, flying towards a large boulder a minute’s gallop away and passing through it with such a force that only a cloud of dust remained. Not slowing down, she hurtled straight for a nearby hillside and was buried in a six hoof deep hole.
“What the buck have I done‽” Hoof-to-Hoof mumbled, “She’s dead and it’s my fault.”
“Pretty much,” Longrange replied, “you’re an idiot.”
“Don’t be a haunch, Longrange,” Maregyver snapped, “he feels bad enough, even if he was being an idiot.”
“Yet another patient to pronounce deceased,” Dr. Gluefoot sighed, “I suppose I’ll have to find the corpse then. Scoutabout, if you would be so kind as to assist me?”
“Sure thing Gluefoot,” chirped Scoutabout as she flew over to Hoof-to-Hoof. “Don’t worry about it too much Hoofy she was probably going to die from what she drank or maybe be really really sick and she’d get eaten by Them because we had to leave her behind because Gluefoot couldn’t do anything to help her and I think anybody would be worried and angry even if you took it a bit too far after all you broke her nose a couple of hours ago but the way she talked about you she really really loved you I’m sad that she’s gone.” She then did a twist in the air and raced over to Dr. Gluefoot to plan their search.
“Do not be so heartless, you foul mouthed ponies,” Zequa snorted, “I cannot believe the way you’re treating him with such contempt. He may have issues with his anger and I disagree with his use of force against little Tipperary; however, using harsh words towards him will not do anypony any good. I don’t understand too well what Scoutabout said, but I think she was being supportive. The rest of you should be too. Furthermore...” He trailed off and turned his head in the direction that Tippy had been kicked. “Does anypony else hear that?”
There are few things that frighten Them. Reduced to mere basic instinct and animalistic tendencies, they are stripped of all emotion. Even they would have shuddered, would have fled at the sight before them.
The ponies gazed into the abyss. The abyss giggled back.
The giggling got louder rapidly as the source got closer, getting louder rapidly.
Tippy galloped up to the string of very surprised ponies, giggling like Pinkie Pie on a sugar rush and crashing through the trunk of the fallen tree as she did so.
“Do it again!” she laughed.
“How the buck is this possible, Doc? What was that stuff?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked without moving.
“Do it again!”
“I’ve been working on a cure for the magic-resistant hybrid strain of the Quagganecrosis virus and Dragon flu that surfaced back then,” Dr. Gluefoot replied, “It was incomplete without Zebra antibodies, so I can’t be sure what the effects will be.”
“Do it again!”
“I will stay with Tipperary and the doctor in case there are signs of the change tonight,” Zequa announced.
“Do it again! Zekky, I told you to call me Tippy. Do it again!”
Dr. Gluefoot trotted towards Tippy, stating "If you are so insistent upon continuing with your foolish violence, I must examine you in order determine if you can survive."
“Hang on a minute I wanna know what’s happening here how is she okay?” Scoutabout expelled as she made a hard and fast landing next to them. “OW! Mare-bucking, horn-sucking, wing-groping, haunch-licking, clopping, stupid plot of a herd! What haunch-hole decided to make these bucking pieces of manure?! I’m gonna rip off their horseapples with my teeth and make the mare-bucker drink the bucking cider!” She proceeded to pull the object out of her hoof to exclaim, “It’s the same mare-bucking one!” before throwing it on the ground.
“What’s a lee-go, and when can I do it again?” Tippy chirped as she looked at the object.
“It seems to be some primitive form of caltrop,” Maregyver announced as she trotted over to perform a brief examination of the item, flipping out the magnifying glass tool in her horn. Surrounding her horn and the item in a shimmer, she continued.
“It seems to serve no other purpose than to really hurt anypony who steps on one. I heard a legend about these so-called ‘Legos’ which highlighted the uselessness of them since their purpose was forgotten.”
“Do it again!”
“I’ll put it in my bag so I can’t step on it again and I forget why I landed,” Scoutabout blurted as she took the Lego and placed it in her saddlebag before taking off to circle the camp’s perimeter.
“Do it again!”
After a thorough examination by Dr. Gluefoot, Tippy was pronounced physically healthy but no longer a pony in the traditional sense.
“Do it again!”
“What the buck does that mean?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked when told the diagnosis.
“Do it again!”
“Would you like the medical explanation?” Dr. Gluefoot replied.
“Do it again!”
“Okay, but make it simple too.”
“Do it again!”
“She’s near-immortal, nearly indestructible and a surprisingly good dancer.”
“Do it again!”
“Like Them?”
“Do it again!”
“The Dracolich ponies are nearly indestructible, are transformed and have lost their intellect.”
“Do it again!”
"So why hasn’t Tippy bucking started to change?”
“Do it again!”
“I have no blood-letting clue, but it may be because she had no intelligence to lose.”
“Do it again!”
“Typically, she can’t do anything right. My sister: a bucking half-drony.”
“DO IT AGAIN!”
Hoof-to-Hoof spun around and planted his rear left hoof in Tippy’s face, sending her rolling across the ground giggling.
A blood-curdling whinny echoed into the camp, devolving into a monstrous roar as it neared its end.
“Now everypony, if you would please listen to me as I believe this may be a perfect opportunity for us to learn how to coordinate effectively,” Zequa calmly spoke as another blood-curdling whinnoar echoed into the campsite. Clearing his throat, he began to bark out orders. “Alrighty then, here’s what we’re gonna do. Scoutabout, you find out their numbers and any escape routes; any more than three and we run. When you’re done with that I want you to stick in the sky and keep an eye out for anything that comes at us.” Scoutabout fluttered her wings in response.
Pointing his hoof towards his left, he barked, “Longrange, you keep to the back and hold your fire until my command. Maregyver, dampen the fire enough so it’s not a beacon for Them, but bright enough for us to see clearly.” Tilting his head to the fallen tree to his right, he continued. “You and Gluefoot can then set up some fortifications in a twenty hoof radius around us with bits from the tree. I want Maregyver on the left flank and Gluefoot in the centre when you’re done. I’ll handle the right,” Zequa flicked his tail at the locations he referred to as he spoke as Maregyver nodded, her face a stoic mask. Dr. Gluefoot yawned and started to balance a rusty scalpel on his horn.
“Hoof-to-Hoof, break the tree for them where it’s too large to move and help set up the barricades. Then I want you at the front. Tippy, go to the centre with Gluefoot and get ready to run if I tell you to.”
Tippy saluted while giggling and dangling her tongue out of the corner of her mouth before tumbling towards Dr. Gluefoot, while Hoof-to-Hoof grunted in acknowledgment.
“Why should we be listening to you, freak?” Longrange sneered, “If anyone should be in charge, it’s me. Then we can easily take on more than a dozen of Them.”
“I once decapitated someone when taking their temperature,” Dr. Gluefoot replied without so much as a blink, “Do you really think it was an accident like I wrote in my report? The zebra’s plan is adequate for studying our combat prowess in order to maximise the chances of survival.”
“What’s that supposed to mean‽ Are you looking for a piece of this‽”
“Shut up and listen to the zebra. I’ll take off a chunk later if I want to.”
“Shut it both of you,” snapped Zequa. Looking up, he addressed Scoutabout. “Why are you still here? Time’s wasting.”
“Yes Zequa of course I’ll go right away I’ll be back faster than you can say ‘where has Scoutabout got to?’ I remember this one time I saw Rainbow Dash in Cloudsdale and she was flying really fast and I was almost able to catch up with her but then I had to stop because I remembered that I forgot to clean my room for the year and I was going to be in a lot of trouble and...”
“GO!”
“Okay I’m going now,” Scoutabout blurted as she flew off, invisible against the night sky.
Maregyver looked up from dampening the fire and asked “Where has Scoutabout got t-“
“Back guys there’s two of Them about three minutes away and three escape routes that I can see and I can’t see any of Them that are coming from behind.”
“We’re gonna need those fortifications now,” Zequa called out.
“Sure thing sweet... Zequa,” Maregyver corrected herself, her face turning a bright red. Flipping out a screwdriver, drill bit and saw from her horn, she scrunched up her face and emitted a glow from her horn in stripes of grey, ocean grey and military grey. The same glow surrounded screws which flew out of her saddlebags and sections of the tree as they proceeded to assemble into barricades where the tree previously stood. “Hoof-to-Hoof, can you put these in position around us?”
“Sure thing,” He responded as he started pushing the barricades into place, “Buck that’s heavy.” Two minutes later, Hoof-to-Hoof finished pushing the last barricade into place as Dr. Gluefoot finished the last bite of an apple he had pulled from his saddlebags.
“Good work everybody. That was some nice teamwork,” Dr. Gluefoot said, wiping his mouth clear, “Let’s get into our positions now and take care of my mistakes. I mean these mistakes.”
“SsssnnnoooooooooooAAAAAARRRRRRLLLLLLLLL!!!!”
A horrendous snort thundered as a pair of dronies emerged from the shadows, ending in a guttural snarl from lips of rotting scale. Covered in armour-like scales, larger than Roid Rage on a good day and more horribly shaped than a soufflé at a Vinyl Scratch gig, their necks glowed a sickly orange colour and occasionally spouted jets of flame.
The first drony that emerged had a vein of orange leading from its neck to the left eye socket, where it had a continuous jet of flame emerging instead of an eye. The one following a short distance behind it had a bright red nose and a white, dusty face.
“B-b-bu-buck that’s scary,” Hoof-to-Hoof stuttered as the dronies came into view.
The rest of the string, except for Dr. Gluefoot and Tippy, stumbled over their words before simply grunting in agreement. Dr. Gluefoot levitated a clipboard and quill in front of him, straightening his glasses with his hoof while repeatedly flipping the scalpel he was balancing on his horn. Tippy was perfectly content trying to lick her left eyeball.
“As soon as they pass the barriers, let them have it,” Zequa commanded, receiving a chorus of affirmative grunts and a crunch from Dr. Gluefoot as he took a bite out of another apple. Tippy began trying to lick her other eye after giving up on the first one.
The one-eyed drony shambled through a gap in the barricades, earning itself a spot on the receiving end of a double-legged kick so fast that Hoof-to-Hoof’s hind hoofs were on the ground before the sound reached Tippy. The drony’s head twisted so it was facing backwards as skin covered in black scales peeled from its cracked and yellowed skull. Fire began to jet from the front of its torn neck and smoke started billowing from the cracks in the skull where it had been kicked, forcing Hoof-to-Hoof to back away or risk burns.
Dr. Gluefoot scribbled notes down on his clipboard with his quill and continued to flip his scalpel, before yawning and pulling out yet another apple to eat. Tippy had given up on trying to lick her eyes and had settled down to the task of chewing a small rock. She giggled as a bubble she had blown popped, covering her face in dusty mud. Bits of dirt began to hover as Scoutabout circled the perimeter at an ever-increasing speed.
Longrange levitated the arrow he was holding in his mouth and flung it straight behind him as Maregyver flicked out a saw and corkscrew from her horn. A bolt of lightning curved in the air as it passed Scoutabout and struck Tippy, crystallising the bubble she was blowing into a speckled glass orb. Dr. Gluefoot gave a curious hum as Tippy’s nose began running and the mucus sizzled as it hit the ground. He then scribbled some notes in the margins of his notes and took another bite of his apple.
Maregyver’s horn began to glow grey and light brown as she stared at the one-eyed drony. Its rotting black scales were surrounded by a grey glow as they peeled themselves from the putrefying skin and crumbled. As this happened, the decaying claws on its mouldy hooves were immersed in light brown light and were filled with spiral-shaped holes before being yanked out like a bad tooth.
Zequa galloped towards the drony, twisted on his front hooves and gave it a swift double-legged kick to the flank, flattening the spikes on its slightly gelatinous tails of twisted, condensed hair. He used the impact of the kick to push himself out of the range of the drony’s two sets of orange teeth.
“Head’s up, Stripy!” Longrange called out as he levitated a stone and flung it at Zequa’s head. Zequa ducked as the stone flew at his face, his face a picture of fury.
*Plink.* *Thud.*
“This is NOT the time for horsing around!” Zequa yelled as something small landed on his head, “OW! A stone? What the Ponyville?”
“Watch and learn, Stripy.”
An arrow flew down from the sky, passing through the hole in the head of the drony and impacting the bottom of the skull with enough force to tear its head off, causing two small explosions on the stumps of the neck. Longrange then scrunched up his face as his horn and the arrow were surrounded by a white glow as the arrow disappeared and reappeared in the air beside him.
“Wow,” Zequa stated in a shocked monotone, “I don’t know whether to thank you or feed you to these Things. You nearly killed me.”
“I didn’t aim for you. You got in the way; I had to do something.”
"Son of a mule! This is NOT the bucking time for your manure!” Hoof-to-Hoof yelled, “There were two of Them, remember‽”
Dr. Gluefoot shook his quill a few times and scribbled on Tippy, magically plucking a feather from Scoutabout’s left wing after the quill was worn down to dust. Scoutabout began to protest until he gave her a blank look, stopping her from speaking.
He gave a flick of his head and his scalpel embedded itself in the eye of the drony. He then surrounded the head and scalpel in a blood red glow and floated them towards himself while stirring the contents of the eye socket. He cut the feather he had taken by running it between the teeth of the drony, dipped the point in the eye socket and continued taking notes.
As the second drony advanced through the barricades, Hoof-to-Hoof froze and started to softly whimper. Longrange screamed and flung his arrow at the drony. It curved in the air and passed through the drony’s rainbow-coloured mane, circling around and hitting Zequa in the haunch.
“Sweetie! I mean Zequa. Are you okay?” Maregyver cried as she galloped to his side, “Doctor, we need you over here!”
“Huh? What?” Dr. Gluefoot asked as he scribbled notes down about the drony. After finishing his apple and thinking for a moment, he addressed them. “Does this mean I can get the antibodies I’ve been after? I’ve got to start getting the raw materials again, you know. You have no idea how hard it was to get the blood from that dragon in Ponyville.”
“Yes, it would be difficult. That’s not important at the moment, though. Zequa’s been hit.”
“Actually, it was easy. I made Celestia realise how much better it would be for me to spend my time treating him than for me to give Luna a demonstration of surgical techniques. It’s going to be a lot harder now that he’s dead...ish.”
“Very nice, but Zequa’s got an arrow in him.”
“Fine, I’m coming.” Putting his clipboard and quill in his saddlebags, he continued, “Stay here Tippy. Scoutabout, keep an eye out and don’t come down here. Longrange, remove that arrow and clean it. It’s a good thing most zebras are immune to this plague.”
Scoutabout wiped her forehead in relief at not having to get involved as Dr. Gluefoot trotted over to Zequa and Maregyver. Longrange scrunched up his face and retrieved his arrow before going to wipe it clean on Scoutabout’s saddlebags. Tippy was too preoccupied with chasing her tail to pay attention to what was happening.
Dr. Gluefoot started to treat Zequa’s wound while the second drony advanced on Hoof-to-Hoof. Hoof-to-Hoof backed away from it slowly and let out whinnies in a somewhat-controlled panic.
Tippy stopped chasing her tail as she heard this, looking over at her older brother and the drony. Her eyes grew wide and started to shine at what she saw. She broke into a huge grin as the two circles of light illuminated the scene in front of her.
“YAY! Play time!” Tippy yelled as she started running towards the pair and leapt with her front legs spread out to deliver a tackling hug.
“No Tippy! Don’t!” Hoof-to-Hoof cried out as his sister sailed through the air, “That’s dangerous!”
*CRUNCH!* *RIIIIIP!* *SNAP!*
Vertebrae shattered as Tippy wrapped her front legs around the neck of the one that brought her so much joy throughout her life and made her laugh when she thought about her parents. Flesh ripped and tendons snapped from the impact and force of Tippy swinging around the broken neck while giggling. She then let go from the hug and dropped to the ground, still giggling with her eyes shining.
Hoof-to-Hoof slumped over and didn’t move or make a sound. The drony let out a snoarl and kept advancing. Tippy kept giggling as the drony reached out its head and bit her on the neck. Its grey, draconic teeth began to grind against her hide, getting worn down to dust as it moved its jaw back and forth. The row of pony teeth behind the first row took longer to wear down, causing Tippy’s giggles to turn into fits of laughter and tears.
“It tickles! It tickles!” Tippy laughed with tears rolling down her face. She fell to the ground and started rolling on the ground laughing, the drony still gnawing at her hide.
I faint groaning sound came from Hoof-to-Hoof.
“Get of my sister.”
The drony stopped gnawing Tippy when its teeth were gone and shot a jet of fire which engulfed her. Tippy continued rolling around and laughing as Hoof-to-Hoof started to stir.
“Get off my sister.”
The drony began to claw at Tippy’s underside while breathing fire on her. Hoof-to-Hoof slowly stood up as the claws began to wear away.
“I SAID GET THE BUCK OFF MY SISTER!” Hoof-to-Hoof bellowed as he charged towards the drony and pivoted on his front legs. “YOU’RE NOT FUNNY!” he thundered as he performed another impossibly fast, doubled-legged kick that scooped up Tippy before impacting the drony’s nose.
A loud honk sounded from the nose before the head was torn off the heavily-damaged neck as a flaming Tippy passed through the space it was occupying. Flesh peeled itself away from the drony’s skull as it and Tippy shot across the sky in a ball of fire and out of site.
“Tippy always did love clowns,” Hoof-to-Hoof called to Scoutabout as he watched Tippy fly off, “Never saw why though... Bucking creepy mare-buckers if you ask me.”
“I agree with you there Hoofy,” Scoutabout blurted as she circled around to watch Tippy’s flight, “Clowns are really weird and creepy and I don’t know why anypony likes them and I think we should tell Gluefoot about what Tippy did to the drony when he wasn’t looking and she just landed but you should know that she’s still on fire and you should talk to Gluefoot about if you have any burns I can’t see any dronies around at the moment so we may be able to get some more rest if you and Zequa need it before we move on if the barricades are pulled in to make a wall because we all could use a rest.”
“You shouldn’t put too much weight on your leg for a while, as it will exacerbate your injury,” Dr. Gluefoot advised Zequa as he finished stitching up the wound with magic, “There will be some scarring unfortunately. This will let people know that your special talent is to get shot.”
“I feel that I must thank you for providing me with medical care, if it were not for the fact that it took you five attempts to close the wound that you opened further with your magic,” Zequa replied, “Your comment was also humourless and quite insulting.”
“Hay Doc, Tippy did something to the drony,” Hoof-to-Hoof called out as a giggling ball of fire ran into the camp, “You should come see this.”
Dr. Gluefoot walked over to where Hoof-to-Hoof was watching Tippy cuddle the smoking remains of the drony she had decapitated and pulled out his clipboard and quill. He then started taking notes on the damage to the drony. After a minute of taking notes, he spoke to nobody in particular.
“I will require somebody to tell me why Tippy is on fire and has a skull on her head.”
Scoutabout plummeted to the ground and landed in front of Dr. Gluefoot. Ten seconds later, she had given him an incredibly detailed explanation of what had transpired. Dr. Gluefoot took an apple from his saddlebag and took a bite as he thought about what had happened.
“I wonder where I get all these apples from... I didn’t have any when I looked this afternoon... I’m not sure what to say about that. When I examined Tippy, her skin made my scalpel crumple so badly that I had to straighten it between her teeth. When I performed the autopsy on patient 0, its scales got dented by the hatchet before it cracked and I needed a new one.”
“YOU worked on Pony 0‽ That’s cool and all Gluefoot but that just makes me wonder how this all happened if it was locked up before it could spread it and cause Equestria to go to Tartarus then how did that stick us surviving for the last six years in constant fear because Celestia and Luna had to turn everypony trying to get to Canterlot away after it reached capacity do you know why that is?”
"Have you ever tried to perform open heart surgery on an unanaesthetised patient with a drony gnawing at your coat‽ Mistakes were made by all... Mostly me, but if the phrenologist hadn't fallen asleep on guard duties I wouldn't have had to harvest his organs for medical purposes, now, would I‽"
"Well, at least some good comes out of his death," Hoof-to-Hoof nervously said in order to reassure himself.
"Yes... Dead. He was dead when I harvested the organs.” Dr. Gluefoot avoided the gaze of the other ponies and ate the rest of his apple.
“So that's why you've got a bucking bonesaw on your flank!"
"At least it's not in yours," Dr. Gluefoot calmly stated as he pulled a heart out of his bag and took a bite, “Why have I kept this for six years‽ It’s good. I should stock up on these.”
“Why the buck did you keep a heart for that long and why did you choose to eat it NOW‽”
“I felt like it. Tippy, why haven’t you taken that skull off your head yet?”
“There’s something gooey in the bone here,” Tippy’s voice echoed from the skull, “It smells funny and not like the smart goo.”
“Tippy, that’s marrow.”
“Marrow? Ack! Marrow? Ack!”
“Thank you for that Tippy. Because of you I’m now thinking about orphaned animals. Take off the skull and we’ll get some rest.” Dr. Gluefoot turned to Hoof-to-Hoof and asked, “Do you want me to take a look at your feet?”
“Fine. I don’t have much of a bucking choice, do I‽” Hoof-to-Hoof responded bitterly.
“No, you don’t. Now I’m going to examine you.”
Tippy wandered over to the campfire and lay down on top of it. Seconds later, her soft snores were amplified by the bone surrounding her head.
“Don’t worry Zequa,” Maregyver reassured Zequa as she scanned her surroundings and noticed Tippy sleeping, “I’ll make something for you to help with that wound.” Turning to Dr. Gluefoot, she called out, “Let’s fortify this place for tonight. I have an idea that I need your help with.”
One week later, the string of ponies was gathering fruit to replenish their supplies.
“I miss those fantastic apples that Applejack used to sell at the Ponyville market,” Longrange sighed as he rapidly flung his arrow through the stalks of the apples in a tree.
“They were amazing,” Maregyver agreed as she caught the apples with the leaf green aura emanating from her horn’s net tool, “I owe my life to that filly Apple Bloom. She’s the one that rebuilt my horn after a drony claw took it off.” She began to systematically levitate the apples into everypony’s saddlebags.
“Apple Bloom? Ya know THE Apple Bloom?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked in shock, kicking the tree behind him hard enough to make it fall on Tippy and her apple basket. “The Carnage Mark Crusaders are the greatest drony-hunters in Equestria.”
The sound of a giggle came from underneath the tree, followed by the sound of an apple crunching.
“Oh my Celestia the Carnage Mark Crusaders are absolutely amazing,” Scoutabout gushed as she dropped from the tree tops and landed, “SON OF A MULE! Why the buck do people keep leaving these around?” She pulled the Lego from her hoof and flicked it into her saddlebags. “Scootaloo is the fastest coolest most awesome drony-hunter ever she’s never gotten a single injury and her scooter can shred dronies and has never even gotten a scratch on it.”
“Hey Maregyver, could you introduce me to Sweetie Belle sometime?” Longrange asked as his face turned a bright red.
“Awwww, of course I will,” Maregyver replied, her voice turning even more sickly sweet than usual, “She’s got a voice that can melt your heart.” Her voice became extremely serious as she added, “Seriously. I saw her sing the scales off a drony six months ago.”
“Will you please stop casually talking and help me get Tippy out from under the tree?” Zequa asked as he used the claws on his armour to scratch at the branches pinning her down. “You did a very good job with this armour, my dear. We just need something to protect my head.”
“It’s MY Skull!” Tippy angrily chirped from under the tree.
“We know it’s ya bucking skull,” Hoof-to-Hoof responded exasperatedly, “It took us three days for us to convince ya to let us wash it.”
“You pushed me in a river!”
“YOU were on fire! Now get out from there.”
“I’m stuck. It’s too heavy.”
Hoof-to-Hoof trotted to where Tippy was pinned down and gave the tree a swift kick with his front hoof, causing it to crack into sections. A light tap turned the section on top of Tippy into a pile of sawdust.
“I heard the Crusaders for Malady Control were making their way to clean up Manehattan six weeks ago,” Dr. Gluefoot interjected, “It would be interesting to see them again after all those years.”
“We’d be a lot bucking safer with ‘em around,” Hoof-to-Hoof agreed, “I’m all for finding ‘em.”
“I would very much like to meet the greatest strategic minds to ever hunt dronies,” Zequa added.
“I-I-I’d get to m-meet Sweetie Belle,” Longrange stuttered before fainting.
“I’m gonna meet Scootaloo I’m gonna meet Scootaloo I’m gonna meet Scootaloo,” Scoutabout blurted as she did backflips in the air.
“I’d love to see Apple Bloom again,” Maregyver commented, “Let’s go to Manehattan. Tippy? Come here sweetums.”
A munching sound came from the pile of sawdust as it began to shrink. A small whirlpool appeared at the top of the pile, growing larger as a skull emerged from the centre holding a basket full of apples.
The skull rattled with a burp and shot out of the pile followed by a giggling streak of red and blue. The giggling blur raced off into the distance.
“Scoutabout, would you be a dear and fetch Tippy?” Maregyver asked, “She’s going the wrong way. We’ll talk when you get back.”
“Goodie goodie goodie goodie goodie I’ll be right back,” Scoutabout’s voice came from the distance as her image disappeared.
“I’m hungry,” Tippy complained, “Can we have lunch?”
“Food food food food food food food!” Scoutabout cheered as she fell out of the sky and landed in a pile of leaves, “BUCK EVERYTHING!”
“We will have a one hour break,” Zequa announced, “It is a one month trot to Manehattan, so we cannot afford to waste time.”
“You guys got to do all that exposition in the last scene!” Tippy chirped angrily, “That messed up the story’s pace.”
“Tippy, get the buck over here,” Hoof-to-Hoof ordered.
“I don’t see how this scene contributes to the story in any way,” Tippy complained, “Just like how the last scene revealed that my tail is blue and how I was on fire for three da...”
Hoof-to-Hoof yanked the skull off of Tippy’s head before spinning around and giving her a double-legged kick to the face.
Maregyver sighed and started making adjustments to a small, metallic object while Zequa watched.
“Hey Hoofy!” Scoutabout called as she emerged from the pile of leaves and poured a stack of lego pieces into her saddlebags, “Heads up.” She pulled out an apple and threw it towards Hoof-to-Hoof.
The apple gracefully soared through the air, promptly hitting Longrange in the face.
“Gimme my skull!” Tippy roared as she galloped back while dragging a drony’s head in her teeth, “I can talk like this because it’s a filler scene. Don’t question it.”
“Don’t ya learn‽” Hoof-to-Hoof thundered, “Stupid question, but you’re the one with a brick on ya flank. Shut the buck up!”
“Got something for you,” she chirped as she dropped the head at Zequa’s hooves, “Can I have my skull back now?”
Four hours later, the string was trotting and talking on their path toward Manehattan, while Dr. Gluefoot insisted that he was walking and talking.
“Weeeeeehehehee!” Tippy squealed as she rode Scoutabout, “Tell me more.”
Scoutabout took a deep breath and began the babble, “Cloudsdale is really cool it’s where we make rainbows rain and it’s all made of clouds only pegasus ponies can go there unless you use magic to walk around there’s the best young flyer competition and the first sonic rainboom was done there I remember growing up near Rainbow Dash and she helped me out with my flying problems as a filly it was thanks to her training that I was able to outfly her when she had just turned and I should have been watching more guys we’re sorta surrounded...”
Scoutabout touched down and looked around. A hoard of dronies closed in behind them, snoarling loud enough to make Tippy’s cutie mark rattle.
“How the buck did we miss this?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked, noticing half of a drony in front of them. “Tippy. Where did ya get that head from a couple of hours ago?”
“Here,” Tippy chirped, “I ran away from these guys though.”
“Why didn’t ya tell us there were this many?”
“I’m tired,” Tippy shrugged while yawning. “I’m gonna have a nap.” She lay down and closed her eyes.
“I see smoke,” Zequa announced as he pointed into the distance.
Two unicorns with fantastic facial hair came ploughing through the hoard of dronies on a strange vehicle. Upon seeing the matching shirts, bowties and shredded hats, Dr. Gluefoot quickly turned to Tippy. He yanked the skull off her head and stuffed it in his saddlebag as she stood up and began to bob her head in time with the sourceless music that accompanied them.
“♫Well, lookie what we got here, brother of mine, equines who aren’t safe and sound,♫” the bearded unicorn sang. “♫Mostly it’s ravaged throats, no tongues, and not a darn survivor to be found. Maybe they're not aware that there's really no need for this teary despair.♫”
The moustached unicorn chimed in “♫That the key that they need to solve this sad drony problem you and I will share~!♫”
Scoutabout babbled excitedly and managed to be more incomprehensible than usual.
Both unicorns chorused, “♫Well we've got absolute safety for your tiny community!♫”
“♫He’s Flim,♫” the moustached unicorn sang.
“♫He’s Flam,♫” added Flim.
“♫We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers~!♫” chorused Flim and Flam, “♫Travelling drony-hunters nonpareil~!♫”
Tippy stopped bobbing her head and asked “Non-pa what?” before dancing as hard as she could.
“♫Nonpareil, and that's exactly the reason why, you see,♫” Flim sang, “♫No pony else in this whole place will give you such a chance to thrive where you’re forced to be.♫” He appeared next to Maregyver and gave her a kiss on the horn, causing Zequa to start shaking. “♫We’re in a new world, with tons of dronies. Flesh squeezed and readily stinking.♫”
“♫More dronies than you can kill in all your days of thinking~,♫” Flam chimed in.
“I doubt that,” Longrange dismissed them as he flung his arrow through three dronies that were sneaking up on him.
“♫So we’ll give absolute safety,♫” Flim and Flam chorused.
Maregyver joined them as they sang, “♫To this tiny community,♫” before being quiet and looking apologetically at Zequa.
“♫He’s Flim,♫” sang Flam.
“♫He’s Flam,♫” added Flim.
“♫We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers~!♫” chorused Flim and Flam, “♫Travelling drony-hunters nonpareil~!♫”
“♫I suppose by now you're wondering 'bout our peculiar mode of transport,♫” Flim sang.
” ♫I say, our mode of devastation~,♫” Flam added.
“♫And I suppose by now you're wondering, where is this promised safety?♫”
“♫Any horse can make a claim and any zebra can do the same.♫”
“♫But my brother and I have something most unique and superb; unseen at any time in this big new world.♫”
“♫And that's absolute safety~!♫” both unicorns sang.
“♫Folks, it's the one and only, the biggest and the best,♫” sang Flim.
“♫The unbelievable,♫” sang Flam.
“♫Unimpeachable.♫”
“♫Indispensable.♫”
“♫I can't believe-able.♫”
“♫Flim Flam brothers' Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000~!♫” Both unicorns musically advertised.
“What d'you say, sister?” Flam asked Maregyver.
Maregver began to sing, “♫So, you are offering safety for this tiny community. Please Flim, please Flam, help us out of this jam with your Flim Flam brothers' Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000~.♫”
“Young filly, I would be ever so honoured if you might see fit to let my brother and I borrow some of your disgusting, and might I add spell-bindingly fragrant dronies for our little demonstration here?” Flim asked as he slided up to the nearest member of the string.
Hoof-to-Hoof looked shocked and responded, “Uh, sure, I guess.” He then frowned and glared at Flim.
“♫Absolute safety, for our community,♫” Maregyver sang.
“♫Ready Flim?♫” asked Flam.
“♫Ready Flam?♫” asked Flim.
“♫Let's bing-bang zam!♫” the brothers sang as they used their magic to power up the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000.
“And show these tainted ponies a world of detestable grinders!” added Flim.
The Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 began to suck up dronies and grind them into a stinking paste. The paste was then poured into leaky barrels and stacked by the machine.
“Watch closely my friends!” Flim announced.
“♫The fun begins~!♫” Flam announced.
“Now, here's where the magic happens,” Flim explained, “Right here in this heaving roiling drony press boiling guts of the very machine, those dronies’ plucked flesh is right now as we speak being turned into grade-A top-notch five-star blow-your-horseshoes-off one-of-a-kind taint-paste!”
“♫Feel free to take a sneak peek~!♫” Flam offered.
Dr. Gluefoot began to sing with a voice so good that the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 paused mid-drony to listen. “♫Now wait, you men, just hold it! You went and over-sold it! I guarantee that what you have does not compare. And that the clearly ideal resolution is a healing aqueous solution. And that’s medicine, pricks, Dr. Gluefoot's medicine and♫ care?”
“♫Well Doctor, I'm glad you brought that up, you hear, I say I'm glad you brought that up,♫” Flim responded, “♫You see that we are very picky when it comes to dronies if you'll kindly just pay up♫”
“♫Yes, sir, yes ma'am this great machine makes us the very best,♫” Flam sang, “♫So whaddaya say then, ponies? Care to step into the secure world and put the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 to the test~?♫
The Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy started up again and the hoard of dronies was rapidly liquefied.
“What do you think, folks? Do you see what the doctor can't? I see it clear as day! I know she does! So does he!” Flim proclaimed as he pointed to Maregyver and the still seething Zequa. “C’mon; dronies kill, you know what I'm talking about!”
Flim and Flam chorused, “♫We're saying we've got.♫”
Maregyver joined in and they all chorused. “♫Absolute safety for this tiny community. He's Flim, he's Flam, we're the world famous Flim Flam brothers. Travelling drony-hunters nonpareil~!♫”
Flim and Flam simultaneously cheered “Yeah!” while wearing grins only Tippy and Pinky Pie could beat.
The Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 launched a barrel which flew straight toward Tippy.
*CRUNCH!* *SPLURT!* *SPLAT!*
The barrel spiralled towards Tippy’s face and broke against the ground next to her, leaving her completely untouched as she danced to the music that had finished a minute previously.
“She’s a good dancer,” Flim commented.
“Yeah,” agreed Flam, “What a surprise.”
“TIPPY!” Hoof-to-Hoof yelled at his sister after three minutes of additional dancing. He knocked his hoof on her head until she stopped.
“What?” she asked, “Why did you stop my fun?”
“The music stopped four minutes ago.”
“So?”
“Ya gonna to step in something. There’s goo everywhere.”
“He’s right little filly,” Flim told Tippy.
“You could get hurt,” Flam added
“I can’t-” Tippy began.
“-believe we’d meet the Flim Flam brothers when we were in so much trouble,” Dr. Gluefoot interrupted her, “What do we owe you for helping us?”
“Nothing,” Longrange said as he cleaned his arrow. He wiped sweat off his brow and continued, “If you had killed dronies instead of singing like I did we would have taken them out easily. As long as we have Ti-”
“-ppy to protect, we’ll take whatever help we can,” Dr. Gluefoot interrupted. “As thanks for your services, we’d be happy to take you to an orchard we came across not too long ago. It should still have enough apples for two men such as you to thrive for at least three weeks. It is a four hour walk, however.”
“That’s very generous of you, giving us information like that,” Flim accepted.
“We can give you a ride and cut down on the time it takes to get there,” Flam offered.
“Let’s leave before the smell draws more dronies in,” Dr. Gluefoot agreed.
He walked over to Tippy and Longrange, making a show of picking up Tippy and carrying her towards the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000. He looked to Zequa and gave him a brotherly smile.
“I don’t want these guys knowing how strong you are,” he murmured to Tippy loud enough so only Longrange could hear. They all boarded the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 and set off back toward the orchard.
"I believe a more important issue than the fact that you have fashioned her into a hat is the fact that she is still whimpering.”
One hour later, the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 chuffed into the orchard.
“Well then Flam, we should get to work,” Flim told Flam.
“So many apples, so little time,” Flam agreed as he enveloped a wooden tub in a magical glow and levitated it under the closest tree.
“What now?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked, “We’re half a day behind schedule.”
“It says here that we go to the nearby stream to fill our canteens,” Tippy answered, wearing glasses and reading from a red booklet labelled “SIX HOOF UNDER - SCRIPT”.
“Tippy?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked as he turned to face away from her, “Since when could you read?”
“Stop!” Dr. Gluefoot snapped at Hoof-to-Hoof before Tippy could get kicked. He pulled out another booklet and flipped through before adding, “She’s right though, we should go.”
As the string reached a bare patch of land, Tippy plucked a map and blue crayon from nothingness, scribbled a rough line on the former and placed them back where she had found them.
Moments later, as they filled their canteens from the stream that had appeared, a pocket of boiling water moved upstream toward them.
A pale green, horned drony emerged from the water, steam billowing from every hole in its bloated flesh. A high-pitched whistling sounded from the tip of the drony’s horn as steam shot out.
Hoof-to-Hoof casually turned to face the drony and let out a sigh. As he began walking toward it, he turned his head slightly.
“Tippy?” he asked, “Mind giving me a hoof?”
“Okay!” Tippy replied with a big grin. She then sat down and proceeded to gnaw on her leg.
“Proximal Phalanx,” Dr. Gluefoot stated without so much as turning his head away from his canteen.
“Urgh,” Hoof-to-Hoof groaned as he placed his right forehoof on his forehead. He paused before speaking a second time. “Scoutabout? Can you help me out?”
“Sure thing Hoofy I’ll be right there this reminds me of the time I was helping out my parents with clearing the sky of clouds but I wanted to make them all pretty shapes so I didn’t get much done and I got yelled at because I didn’t do what I was asked and-”
“Scoutabout!”
“yeah it was just like that how did you know I don’t remember seeing you on the ground when that happened didn’t you want my help with something why aren’t we doing anything why did you call me did you want me to give you a hug of course I’ll give you a hug I’ve been waiting for you to ask for a hug Tippy always wants hugs and I love hugs and I wanna give you a hug because you pretend to be grumpy and tough but you just need a hug.”
Scoutabout seemed to pop out of existence before reappearing above Hoof-to-Hoof and wrapping her forelegs around his neck.
“We need to kill this drony and I need your help,” Hoof-to-Hoof told the laughing Scoutabout as she buried her face in his mane. “Tippy’s too busy chewing her leg to do anything.”
“Proximal Phalanx,” Dr. Gluefoot repeated, his head still facing his already fully canteen.
Scoutabout pouted as she climbed off Hoof-to-Hoof’s back.
A moment later, she pulled a long, serrated knife from a sheath in her saddlebag and held it, blade forward, in her mouth. Her face formed a determined frown as she looked to the drony and declared, “Let’s do this.”
*...*
Scoutabout shimmered for a moment and put her knife away.
“All done now I’m gonna let you take care of the rest it’s no big deal how else do you think I survived all this time?” Scoutabout babbled as she trotted behind Hoof-to-Hoof.
The drony fell to the ground as it slid off where its legs had been severed.
“Buck... me... sideways,” Hoof-to-Hoof said blankly, letting his words trail off in shock.
“Not now Hoofy maybe later we have more important things to do it’s your turn to get at it I didn’t finish it off because you seemed like you wanted to have a go at it too and I don’t think you should miss out because Tippy wants to do something else.”
“Uh... Thanks.” Hoof-to-Hoof responded as he walked towards the legless drony.
*Voom-crunch!*
The drony’s body was sucked into the air and into the magically guided nozzle of the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000, where it was ground into a smooth paste and disposed of in a leaky barrel.
“Ya trying to get me to pay ya for almost killing me‽” Hoof-to-Hoof thundered at Flim and Flam.
“The drony was awfully close to you,” Flim replied.
“You could have gotten clawed and eaten to death,” Flam added, “or worse.”
“I was fine and ya almost got me ground up inta paste!”
“I remember saving your life. How about you Flam?”
“Your life was most definitely saved. I feel that we should be fairly compensated. It’s a dangerous world out there and not many ponies go out of their way to save others.”
“I didn’t need saving and ya didn’t bucking save me!”
Flim and Flam stopped smiling.
“Hey, friend,” Flam addressed Hoof-to-Hoof “Do you know what we do to survivors who don't pay up to our very modest services?"
"Liquified dronies work like chum, draws in the rest of the herd, they can smell the flesh... And then you guys will have a real problem with us." Flim informed.
Scoutabout shot out of her saddlebags and into the sky, looked around and replied, “There’s not another drony around for hours we’ll be fine there’s nothing to worry about.”
Dr. Gluefoot walked towards Flim and Flam, stopped and spoke.
“Stand back Tippy, they're not getting anything from us."
“Well Flim, it looks like we doing this the hard way.”
“Don’t worry Flam, it’s still easy for us.”
*Voom!*
Flim and Flam cast a burst of magic to power the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000, which promptly reached out its nozzle and sucked up Scoutabout.
“Hoooooooffffyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” Scoutabout screamed as she held on to the edge of the nozzle’s opening and flapped her wings as fast as she could.
“Hoofy help I don’t wanna die just yet please help me.”
“Hay Doc, can you kill these marebuckers?”
Doctor Gluefoot pulled an apple from his saddle bag, took a bite and replied, “I can, but I can’t be sure it will help.”
“We’d need to shut off the machine,” Maregyver thought aloud as she glanced over the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000, “I can’t see any way to do that though…” She cleared her throat and called to Dr. Gluefoot, “I don’t think it’ll work. Although whatever happens now, I get a turn at them before you do.”
“Get in line,” Hoof-to-Hoof grumbled.
“Now is NOT the time for this guys I’m about to die remember?” Scoutabout yelled.
“I feel that it would be best to…” Zequa unsuccessfully attempted to strategise, “What I mean is that we need to…”
“It’s no good,” Flim taunted.
“You should have paid up,” Flam joined in.
“Scoutabout!” Tippy yelled, “I wanna huuuuug!”
Longrange pulled out his arrow threw it past Tippy.
The arrow caught of Tippy’s saddlebags and pulled her through the air. As the suction of the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 pulled at the arrow, Tippy’s saddlebags came loose and opened, sending Tippy and her Wonderbolts lunchbox toward Scoutabout, while a shower of stones flew at Flim and Flam. The rocks pelted Flim and Flam, causing them to shield their eyes.
Flam opened his eyes to find an arrow lodged in the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000’s seat, less than three inches from where his hind legs met. He closed his eyes again as quickly as he could.
“Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggg!” Tippy called as she flew past Scoutabout and into the chute. The lunchbox followed its own path toward Scoutabout’s face.
“I love the Wonderbolts I had a lunchbox just like this one when I was a kid it was my favourite thing ev-”
*SMACK!*
Scoutabout and the lunchbox followed Tippy into the chute, causing stunned silence. Dr. Gluefoot contently continued to eat his apple in sheer disinterest.
*CRACK!**CRUNCH!**CRACK!**SPLAT!**SQUELCH*
A barrel was tossed out from the back of the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 and landed with a heavy thud. A crack in the side leaked a red liquid with tiny white shards in it.
“Well that takes care of that, brother,” finalised Flim.
“Now we you’d please pay our fee, we can be on our way,” added Flam.
Hoof-to-Hoof slumped over in shock and began to weep.
“How could this happen‽ Ya said this couldn’t bucking happen!”
Dr. Gluefoot walked over to the barrel and began inspecting the liquid coming out.
“Hmmmm,” he pondered as he finished his apple, a frown on his face, “I wonder if I could…”
“It’s no good, Doctor Bluefort,” Flim called.
“They’re drony chum now,” Flam sneered.
“…be wrong‽”
A groan of pain sounded from the barrel.
Flim and Flam stopped and stared at the barrel in shock, which let out a second groan.
Maregyver flicked out a saw from her horn and cut a hole in the barrel with her magic.
“My… wing…” Scoutabout uttered before falling unconscious.
Tippy was sobbing as she held Scoutabout.
“My sandwich is smooshed!”
She stopped sobbing and looked at the base of the barrel. Seeing her lunchbox in pieces amongst chunks of the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000’s internal components, Tippy buried her face in Scoutabout’s mane and sobbed even louder.
Scoutabout stirred, semi-consciously called out, “Hoofy… Gluefoot…” and fell unconscious again.
“G-Gluefoot?” Flim stammered as Hoof-to-Hoof stood up and cantered towards her.
“B-but…” Flam began.
Dr. Gluefoot turned and faced the Flim Flam brothers, his eyes filled with rage. His voice took on a horrifying tone as he stalked up to the twins.
“So NOW you get my name right‽ You got it wrong before, but now that you’ve broken the wing of my… you’ve broken one of my… you’ve injured somebody because… you’ve injured someone without my permission, you finally get it right‽ I had no idea you were so stupid as to not try killing the children first! They usually can’t fight back and you just need to threaten them to get what you want from anybody. You are disgraces! You don’t even know how to get what you want with minimum effort! You should have left us to die before and THEN taken our things! You NEVER put yourself in any inconvenient situation unless the rewards are guaranteed! Just so you know, I’m confiscating these.”
“Confiscating what?” Flim and Flam asked in unison as Dr. Gluefoot’s horn began to glow.
*CRACK!**CRACK!*
Flim and Flam screamed as their horns were surrounded by a blood red glow and snapped off.
Dr. Gluefoot took a couple of deep breaths, levitated the horns into his saddlebags and calmly walked over to examine Scoutabout’s wing.
“You’re lucky this was strawberry jam with the marshmallows,” Dr. Gluefoot cheerfully told Scoutabout as he bandaged her wing to her side, “Raspberry jam wouldn’t have made a good enough seal and Blueberry jam would have formed a deadly poison.”
“What about blackberry jam?” Scoutabout meekly asked.
“That’s just gross,” Hoof-to-Hoof chuckled as he stroked her mane.
Maregyver and Zequa sorted through the various pieces of the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000, giving themselves an idea of what would be needed to make repairs and modifications.
Longrange and Tippy were playing with Flim and Flam. Longrange would throw an arrow between their heads while Tippy showed off her skull. Flim and Flam sat through this whimpering from all of their legs being broken. Dr. Gluefoot had broken one leg before, to his glee, Hoof-to-Hoof reminded him that things were more personal for him.
“Unfortunately you won’t be able to partake in aviation-based activities for about a week,” Dr. Gluefoot told Scoutabout, “I’d heal it more properly now, but it is not a good time.”
“Don’t worry,” Hoof-to-Hoof told her, “I’m used to carrying Tippy around anyway.”
“Everypony,” Zequa announced, “I believe that we may be forced to camp here for tonight. We can tie up our… guests… until we can decide what to do in the morning.”
The string discussed the fate of the Flim Flam brothers over breakfast the next morning.
“I think we should let them go,” Maregyver said, “Without their horns they’re harmless.”
“They tried to kill us,” Hoof-to-Hoof countered, “That kind of mind shouldn’t be allowed to live.”
“Hoof-to-Hoof’s right,” Longrange agreed, “We should kill them.”
“Are you suggesting that the way Doctor Gluefoot thinks is a reason for us to kill him?” Zequa posed.
“I would perform pneumonectomies on them before they had a chance to,” Dr. Gluefoot answered. When he saw that nopony had reacted in horror, he added, “I’d remove their lungs.”
“They broke my wing and the inside of that thing is horrible I was worried that even Tippy could get hurt by that thing you saw what it can do to dronies I know Tippy is tougher than that but I was scared and ponies like that shouldn’t have something that dangerous I’m not saying we should put it in the hands of someone like Gluefoot and we don’t have a way to move it but you saw how sad Tippy was about her lunchbox and it was a nice lunchbox I think I need a hug.” Scoutabout had tears in her eyes as she reached the end of her spiel.
“My sandwich was smooshed!” Tippy sobbed as she remembered the events of the previous day.
“I think I’m losing my touch,” Dr. Gluefoot said dejectedly.
“Everypony has their reasons for their opinions,” Zequa spoke up, “whether it is mercy, anger, sadness or being a dangerously psychotic unicorn who causes pain for no reason.”
“I do have a reason,” Dr. Gluefoot interrupted, “Everybody needs a hobby.”
“Anyway,” Zequa continued, “They are powerless at the moment. I can’t agree to killing them, but we can’t just leave them to die.”
“Yes we can,” Longrange contradicted, “I’ll prove it later.”
“Agreed,” added Hoof-to-Hoof.
“You probably should have used the word, ‘shouldn’t’,” Dr. Gluefoot suggested, “You would still be wrong though.”
“I suggest that the not so good doctor should heal them while I assist Maregyver in repairing the device,” Zequa continued, “We will also need an analysis of the horns from both Doctor Gluefoot and Margyver so we can power it.” He turned to face Maregyver. “Is that okay with you?”
“It’s the best I can expect in this situation,” Maregyver conceded, “Doctor, can I have the horns please?” She grimaced at the prospect of what she was about to do.
“Fine, I suppose I can deal with that plan,” Dr. Gluefoot sighed as he tossed the horns to Maregyver, “They use their magic as an energy source. A single horn can work, but they are most efficient as a single unit due to the opposing polarities of their magic.”
“How could you tell?” Maregyver asked, “I thought you were a Doctor rather than an engineer.”
“I ate an engineer’s brain once,” Dr. Gluefoot explained, “so I gained the knowledge that they had. Well, twice.”
“Ah,” Maregyver responded, “I didn’t know that it could work like that. That’s somewhat impressive.”
“It doesn’t,” Dr. Gluefoot admitted, “I read their files a few years ago. Criminally insane if they’re under stress, complete acupuncturists otherwise. We saw them use their magic to power the machine previously, but their magic differs between them.”
“So you guessed?”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t eat a brain?”
“That I did do.”
“Oh… Did you enjoy it?”
“I’m really losing my touch.”
“Yes you are.” Maregyver flipped out a tool from her horn that was the same shape as her cutie mark as she turned to face the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 and enveloped it in a golden glow.
Three minutes later, the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 was in perfect condition as Maregyver wiped sweat from her face with the cream-coloured glow from a handkerchief tool in her horn.
“Nothing like a good paperclip,” She smiled as she loaded everypony’s things onto the repaired machine. “How’s the medicine coming along?” She called to Dr. Gluefoot, who was out of sight.
“Good!” He replied as he severed the vocal chords of the twin stallions. Once he had finished driving nails into their hooves, he called out, “Finished!” and headed back toward the rest of the string, placing a roll of bandages at the base of a tree on his way.
Five minutes into their journey’s continuation, Maregyver powering the Super Speedy Snyder Squeezy 6000 with the radiation green glow emanating from her horn, Dr. Gluefoot announced that he needed to “expel a bedpan-full of faecal matter”.
“I was wrong,” Maregyver gagged as she flipped a small nuclear reactor back into her horn, “you haven’t lost your touch.”
“I won’t be a moment,” he said and he jogged behind a tree that was partially illuminated by short electrical flashes.
One minute later, he returned and calmly said, “I seem to have left a roll of bandages behind that I need for Scoutabout’s medical treatment.” He showed a bandage container with a roll missing. “Wait there and I’ll go grab them.”
“Someone should go with you,” Maregyver told him, “I’ll-”
“No,” Dr. Gluefoot cut her off, “You’re best left here in case of trouble, and I’m best not here to cause it for a bit. Work on that device you’ve been tinkering with, it looks like it’ll be a beaut.”
“But I-” Maregyver began, but Dr. Gluefoot was already running back the way they had come. Sighing, she pulled out her incomplete metal object and continued working.
“He’s up to something,” Longrange told her as she worked.
“How could you possibly know that?” Zequa asked as he heard Longrange’s doubt, “He has been somewhat valuable in concern to medicine and certainly knew what to do when we met the Flim Flam brothers.”
“I agree that she’s an engineering genius, is thinking of the best thing to do for others and, most importantly,” Longrange blushed, “that she’s agreed to introduce me to Sweetie Belle. But Gluefoot never compliments anypony. He threatens them and didn’t take the time to call somepony an idiot. He isn’t nice to anypony, except sometimes Tippy; he rules through fear.”
“I don’t think-” Zequa began.
“He can threaten CELESTIA, for Celestia’s sake!”
“Okay,” Maregyver considered his words, “You have a point. Let’s see if he’s got the bandages when he gets back.”
“Fine, but he’s not going back for bandages.”
Flim and Flam were roused from their unconscious state to find Dr. Gluefoot standing over them, levitating a roll of bandages into his saddlebags.
Flam wheezed in a fearful and confused fashion at the sight of Dr. Gluefoot while Flim began to hyperventilate.
“I have to admire the craftsmanship on the machine you had,” Dr. Gluefoot told them as he pulled an apple out of his saddlebags and took a bite, “I only have one suggestion about how you used it.”
Flim and Flam looked at Gluefoot in a curious manner, tears streaming down their faces and matting their blood-soaked facial hair.
As he walked away with the two pony hearts in his saddlebags, Dr. Gluefoot turned to the twins' corpses, adjusted his glasses and said, “I wouldn’t be here if you had stuck with squeezing apples”
