Six Hoof Under

by Dr Gluefoot

Chapter 1 - Six Hoof Under

A horrendous snort thundered as a pair of dronies emerged from the shadows, ending in a guttural snarl from lips of rotting scale. Covered in armour-like scales, larger than Roid Rage on a good day and more horribly shaped than a soufflé at a Vinyl Scratch gig, their necks glowed a sickly orange colour and occasionally spouted jets of flame.

...

Buck that, why start in chapter two where nopony knows what's happening‽ Let's start at the beginning of this story like sane ponies and not be idiots about it. So now it's time to break the ice and the fourth wall at the same time to set up a galloping gag.

---

“Hay there. Nice ta meetcha. I’m Tippy. Me and my big brother met up with some really funny ponies today. I’ll tell ya about them, ‘kay‽

There’s my brother, Hoof-tuh-Hoof, who’s really strong and nice unless ya make ‘im grumpy. His cutie mark’s a pointy knife an’ a funny-looking, pointy plate thingy. I dunno why there’s no fork. Before we met these funny guys, he’s bin looking after me since mum ‘n’ dad started their nap. I don’t think anything can stop ‘im. I hate it when ‘e calls me Tipperary though.

Scoutabout’s really pretty, really fast and neva stops flying. She’s got a cute mark of something Hoof-tuh-Hoof calls buh-lokka-nas, buh-nokkles, I fuhget. Her wings look really fluffiful and her coat looks like tha night sky. I wanna go flying but Hoof-tuh-Hoof is worried I’d get hurt.

Longrange’s kinda nice, but I don’t think Hoof-tuh-Hoof likes ‘im much. He wears really big glasses and has a cutie mark of what he calls a buwanurrow. I think it’s cool the way he uses his horn to shoot sticks inta trees.

I think Docta Gluefoot’s a weird unicorn. He’s always wearin’ a funny coat and doesn’t talk to anypony much, as he’s playing with his bubblies. When he talks, he uses funny words I don’t know and seems kinda sad. His cutie mark looks like a broken piece of metal covered in red syrup. I’ll ask Hoof-tuh-Hoof what it is later.

Zequa looks funny. He’s not got a cutie mark an’s stripey. I haven’t seen anypony like ‘im before, but I like ‘im. He seems kinda scared of everypony, but he’s nice. Docta Gluefoot’s always askin’ ‘im about anabonies he has, but Zequa doesn’ like it much.

Maregyver’s the coolest pony ever! She’s got a horn that keeps havin’ thingies flip out of it, an’ has a cutie mark that looks like a couple of the thingies, an’ is super-nice, an’ always tries makin’ Zequa smile, an’ is smart an’ funny an’ pretty. I wanna be like her when I’m a mare.”

“Tippy, who the buck are ya talkin’ to?” called out Hoof-to-Hoof.

“I dunno, but I feel like they don’ like it.”

“Then stop it and come get some sleep.”

Tippy cantered over to where Hoof-to-Hoof stood and lay down.

“Hoof-tuh-Hoof always watches as I go to sleep so the...”

Hoof-to-Hoof suddenly kicked out his right hindleg, making a crunching sound as it contacted Tippy’s face. The foal flew 15 hooves through the air and crashed headfirst into the ground at the base of a nearby tree, dripping blood on the ground as it trickled from her nose.

“I said stop it, you little... Oh buck! Are you okay Tippy? Doc, I could use ya help here. I’ve gotten stronger that I thought.”

“Everybody prevent yourself from attempting to assist, as it will most probably cause complications by interrupting my concentration,” Dr. Gluefoot said calmly as he trotted over and began to examine Tippy’s face.

“It seems as though the excess force from the impact of your third phalanx against her nasal bone caused a fracture which was exacerbated upon impact with the ground,” Dr. Gluefoot told Hoof-to-Hoof, straightening his glasses with a hoof, “which is relatively easy to treat but may have permanent effects upon her olfactory sensory uptake.”

“What the buck are ya talkin’ about Doc?” Hoof-to-Hoof replied in a concerned confusion.

“You broke her nose and there’s a chance she’ll lose her sense of smell,” Dr. Gluefoot explained. “I’ve got something in my saddlebags that should help with the pain though.”

He pulled out bandages and a vial of red bubbling liquid from his bags and proceeded to bandage Tippy’s nose while giving her the medicine to drink.

“It’s fizzy and taste like cherries,” Tippy giggled before wincing from the pain.

“It also helps you from getting hurt too much and helps cure the pain” Dr. Gluefoot replied with a smile on his face as he finished applying the bandages and replaced the vial in his bag. He then turned to the rest of the group and announced,

“We should all get some sleep now if we want to continue on in the morning. Hoof-to-Hoof, would you mind taking the first watch?”

“I might as well,” replied Hoof-to-Hoof, avoiding the glares of everypony who had seen what he had done, “go the buck to sleep.”

---

Later that night, as everypony was sleeping when Hoof-to-Hoof was keeping watch, Tippy woke up with her nose hurting again. She trotted over to Dr. Gluefoot’s and whispered, “Docta Gluefoot, my nose hurts. Can I have some more cherry bubbly?”

Dr. Gluefoot didn’t respond, letting out a grunt as he started to drool.

“Yay. Thanks Docta,” Tippy exclaimed quietly, letting out a small squeak. She started going through his saddlebag and pulled out a stoppered flask filled with red bubbling liquid. On the flask was a label with the word “CURE” written on it in carefully written, if slightly smudged, block letters.

“Cure... This is the cherry bubbly,” Tippy sang softly, then downed the flask in a single gulp. “EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!! This tastes like the time I ate a worm!” she screeched, waking everypony up with a start.

“What is it Tippy is it Them did something happen are you hurt are you scared?” Scoutabout blurted out as she flew to Tippy’s side and landed. “Ow! Every mare-bucking time!” she yelled. As she pulled something out of her hoof and flicked it away with her wing, she muttered “Who makes these things?”

“The Docta’s cherry bubbly I had isn’t cherry bubbly!” Tippy cried as Hoof-to-Hoof galloped to her panicking.

“You drank some of the Doc’s bucking medicines and you don’t know what the buck they bucking do‽ No wonder you’ve always had that cutie mark!” Hoof-to-Hoof scolded before spinning around on his front hooves and firmly thrusting his rear ones into her face, sending Tippy spiralling at the tree she had previously landed next to.

*CRACK!* *SNAP!* *CRUNCH!* *CRACK!* *CRACK!* *THUD!*

As Tippy hit the tree at a speed not even Scoutabout could follow with her eyes, it buckled, snapped and began to fall. Tippy then continued on her path, flying towards a large boulder a minute’s gallop away and passing through it with such a force that only a cloud of dust remained. Not slowing down, she hurtled straight for a nearby hillside and was buried in a six hoof deep hole.

---

“What the buck have I done‽” Hoof-to-Hoof mumbled, “She’s dead and it’s my fault.”

“Pretty much,” Longrange replied, “you’re an idiot.”

“Don’t be a haunch, Longrange,” Maregyver snapped, “he feels bad enough, even if he was being an idiot.”

“Yet another patient to pronounce deceased,” Dr. Gluefoot sighed, “I suppose I’ll have to find the corpse then. Scoutabout, if you would be so kind as to assist me?”

“Sure thing Gluefoot,” chirped Scoutabout as she flew over to Hoof-to-Hoof. “Don’t worry about it too much Hoofy she was probably going to die from what she drank or maybe be really really sick and she’d get eaten by Them because we had to leave her behind because Gluefoot couldn’t do anything to help her and I think anybody would be worried and angry even if you took it a bit too far after all you broke her nose a couple of hours ago but the way she talked about you she really really loved you I’m sad that she’s gone.” She then did a twist in the air and raced over to Dr. Gluefoot to plan their search.

“Do not be so heartless, you foul mouthed ponies,” Zequa snorted, “I cannot believe the way you’re treating him with such contempt. He may have issues with his anger and I disagree with his use of force against little Tipperary; however, using harsh words towards him will not do anypony any good. I don’t understand too well what Scoutabout said, but I think she was being supportive. The rest of you should be too. Furthermore...” He trailed off and turned his head in the direction that Tippy had been kicked. “Does anypony else hear that?”

There are few things that frighten Them. Reduced to mere basic instinct and animalistic tendencies, they are stripped of all emotion. Even they would have shuddered, would have fled at the sight before them.

The ponies gazed into the abyss. The abyss giggled back.

The giggling got louder rapidly as the source got closer, getting louder rapidly.

“Doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain doitagain DOITAGAIN!”

Tippy galloped up to the string of very surprised ponies, giggling like Pinkie Pie on a sugar rush and crashing through the trunk of the fallen tree as she did so.

“Do it again!” she laughed.

“How the buck is this possible, Doc? What was that stuff?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked without moving.

“Do it again!”

“I’ve been working on a cure for the magic-resistant hybrid strain of the Quagganecrosis virus and Dragon flu that surfaced back then,” Dr. Gluefoot replied, “It was incomplete without Zebra antibodies, so I can’t be sure what the effects will be.”

“Do it again!”

“I will stay with Tipperary and the doctor in case there are signs of the change tonight,” Zequa announced.

“Do it again! Zekky, I told you to call me Tippy. Do it again!”

Dr. Gluefoot trotted towards Tippy, stating "If you are so insistent upon continuing with your foolish violence, I must examine you in order determine if you can survive."

“Hang on a minute I wanna know what’s happening here how is she okay?” Scoutabout expelled as she made a hard and fast landing next to them. “OW! Mare-bucking, horn-sucking, wing-groping, haunch-licking, clopping, stupid plot of a herd! What haunch-hole decided to make these bucking pieces of manure?! I’m gonna rip off their horseapples with my teeth and make the mare-bucker drink the bucking cider!” She proceeded to pull the object out of her hoof to exclaim, “It’s the same mare-bucking one!” before throwing it on the ground.

“What’s a lee-go, and when can I do it again?” Tippy chirped as she looked at the object.

“It seems to be some primitive form of caltrop,” Maregyver announced as she trotted over to perform a brief examination of the item, flipping out the magnifying glass tool in her horn. Surrounding her horn and the item in a shimmer, she continued.

“It seems to serve no other purpose than to really hurt anypony who steps on one. I heard a legend about these so-called ‘Legos’ which highlighted the uselessness of them since their purpose was forgotten.”

“Do it again!”

“I’ll put it in my bag so I can’t step on it again and I forget why I landed,” Scoutabout blurted as she took the Lego and placed it in her saddlebag before taking off to circle the camp’s perimeter.

“Do it again!”

After a thorough examination by Dr. Gluefoot, Tippy was pronounced physically healthy but no longer a pony in the traditional sense.

“Do it again!”

“What the buck does that mean?” Hoof-to-Hoof asked when told the diagnosis.

“Do it again!”

“Would you like the medical explanation?” Dr. Gluefoot replied.

“Do it again!”

“Okay, but make it simple too.”

“Do it again!”

“She’s near-immortal, nearly indestructible and a surprisingly good dancer.”

“Do it again!”

“Like Them?”

“Do it again!”

“The Dracolich ponies are nearly indestructible, are transformed and have lost their intellect.”

“Do it again!”

"So why hasn’t Tippy bucking started to change?”

“Do it again!”

“I have no blood-letting clue, but it may be because she had no intelligence to lose.”

“Do it again!”

“Typically, she can’t do anything right. My sister: a bucking half-drony.”

“DO IT AGAIN!”

Hoof-to-Hoof spun around and planted his rear left hoof in Tippy’s face, sending her rolling across the ground giggling.

A blood-curdling whinny echoed into the camp, devolving into a monstrous roar as it neared its end.

“Oh buck,” muttered Hoof-to-Hoof.

Comments

[Half-Blood Zebra]

Ah Legos, my old nemesis. We meet again!
Keep it up mate! The story sounds good so far, but you might want to pace your self a little more.

[JackLikesPancakes]

Ha! That doors from ''The Walking Dead''!

[Foalicon_]

Perfect

[blerg]

This should get interesting...

[XxX_ArCt1c-S3RB_420XxX]

“I have no blood-letting clue, but it may be because she had no intelligence to lose.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[Dr Gluefoot]

1260656
I agree with you about the pacing. Over the course of the story, it will seem somewhat clunky in its delivery. Like opening the story by breaking the fourth wall, sometimes the only way I can get past a mental block or make the story work is to write in a bit of pacing that doesn't quite fit. I think the way I warp time works okay in the second chapter, which I plan to upload once I've got a few pages into chapter 3.

It's good to know that you enjoyed it.

[MrNumbers]

To anyone reading this:

This is a great story. Seriously. I would completely recommend not reading the thumbs ratio for now, as the newly-added synopsis may hint to you.

It's always unfortunate when a story like this is given such a bad start. I hope it does the best, Doctor. I recommend a light bout of CPR.

[Aevus]

DO IT AGAIN!