Recovery
Twilight Sparkle’s hooves touched down on the steps to her old castle. The devastated crystalline tomb loomed above her, a monument to all of her sins bathed in the shining light of the sun. The light bounced off of it and reflected onto the flat wasteland around it, which only redirected that light right back into the sky due to the glassed earth. This was not just a monument, but also a beacon for all of her wrongs. The heavens themself illuminated the place so everypony for miles around would be reminded of where everything ended.
For very few ponies it also reminded them of where this all started.
The lone pony ascended the stairs. She took deep breaths with each step and filled her lungs with the desolate and still air that hung around the ruins. Despite what she was here to do, there was no panic in any of her actions. In fact, there was tranquility. For the first time in so long, Twilight Sparkle felt at peace with what she was about to do.
The mare did not walk through the castle as much as she did glide through its interior. Past the ruined stairway and down the hall with all of its congesting rubble. None of them were of concern to her, they weren’t even obstacles. They were appropriate set dressing if anything.
Into the map room and down the stairs that had been hidden beneath the heavy, and now dead, table that had once held a mystical map of the realm. The long spiraling staircase that disappeared into darkness was descended in what felt like a record time for her. Twilight was not even moving very fast as she did not want to rush this, no she just felt no resistance from her body nor the strain she had put it through.
Eventually she found herself at the bottom and was met with the open door and the cavern beyond. The empty crater that had once been full of sparkling blue mana was still there, as was the spire that used to kiss the tip of that placid pool. Now only silence and memories ruled this place.
This was the first time she’d been down here since they had gathered the ashes of her friends. That was, what, a few days after The Event ‘ended’? It seemed like a lifetime ago. Then again, most things felt so far away right now. Their funerals, the paltry things that were not worthy of the sacrifices that they had made, still felt like a vision conjured by Sombra. None of this felt real.
“I told you I’d be back when I was done…” Twilight muttered to the empty space. Her words bounced off of the crystalline structures and into the hole in the cavern on the other side. She didn’t think it would be so soon, but here she was.
“I did it.” Her voice cracked as she spoke. It was the first time since she left Manehattan that reality hit her. “I got the Pillars back.” Twilight nodded and chewed on her lip. Her throat tightened and she could feel that devastatingly familiar ‘about to cry’ sensation build up in her cheeks. “I told you I’d come back…”
Twilight Sparkle pulled something out of her saddlebag. It was a knife, not anything fancy or ceremonial. It was just one she had swiped from the kitchen in the hotel turned castle. It was about six inches long with a simple wooden handle and an incredibly sharp blade. Its purpose had been to slice vegetables. It was not worthy to spill the blood of a princess, but then again she was not worthy of the title. Not anymore.
The simple kitchen knife would do. It would be painful, slow and agonizing. That was part of the point, though. Somepony like Twilight Sparkle deserved to suffer for her crimes. It would be a bloody and undignified death in a hole, just what she wanted for herself.
“I didn’t tell Starlight, but there was a chance the Alicorn Amulet would’ve killed me.” Twilight held the knife in her magical grasp and studied it. Her violet eyes stared back at her in the reflection of the stainless steel blade. “It wasn’t a big chance, or even really one to bet on at all, that didn’t stop me from hoping.”
These thoughts, these hopes, didn’t hurt anymore. It no longer pained the princess to think of her own death, or even wish for it. Her end would be a mercy for all of Equestria. It was one more problem dealt with. One more monster put in the ground. It would be the end to one very big mistake.
“What’s one more body on the pile…?” Twilight asked the mare that stared back at her in the knife. She didn’t receive a response. At least it would be the last one contributed by her hooves, at least actively. She knew The Event and its repercussions would continue to claim lives for the rest of time. A boulder had been dropped into the pond that was the world and the ripples did nothing but claim bodies as they spilled out from the center of the impact.
“I suppose it’s time.” She stated bluntly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry I failed you all.” The knife turned in her grasp and she pressed the blade against her neck. “I won’t see you, not where I’m going. I hope that wherever I end up, you can come visit. If even for a moment.” The tears finally broke through and spilled down her cheeks as she thought of her friends and how she would never embrace them again. At least she would join them in the ranks of the dead, even if she would not be as sanctified as them.
Twilight Sparkle dragged the knife across her throat.
Nothing happened.
The alicorn looked down, expecting to see crimson lifeblood spilling down her body. She saw nothing. In fact, the knife was gone. There was no trace of it, as if it had never existed. Twilight looked on the ground around her to make sure she had not faltered and dropped the weapon.
“We are disappointed, Twilight Sparkle.” The voice came from across the vacant pool. A pair of luminescent turquoise eyes stared at her from the darkness of the tunnel on the other side. She had seen those eyes before in that exact same place. “This is not even a nightmare. This is a dream.”
Princess Luna stepped out of the shadows. This was not the twisted form from the past, nor was it the funhouse mirror version of the princess of the night that currently existed in the real world. This was Luna as she had been before The Event, untainted. She even wore her silver accouterments that had been lost in those heady sun soaked days of the apocalypse.
“And?” Twilight asked, lowering her head to stare at the ground.
“And this is unacceptable.” Luna answered as she walked around the edge of the crater towards her fellow alicorn. “To dream of taking your own life…” She shook her head.
“Please, don’t lecture me.” Twilight didn’t have the energy, even while sleeping, to deal with this. She had hoped this had been real. Sweet Celestia, how badly she wanted her release. How far behind was her waking self from following in this dream’s hoofsteps. “I don’t…I just want it to be over.”
“We have been there…” Luna responded quietly as she sat next to the smaller alicorn. “Gods, have We been there.” Pain laced those words, very real and visceral pain. “The thought of death has been a companion for Us before as well, far more than We would like to admit.” Luna’s expression hardened as her brow furrowed and jaw tightened. “It can be…enticing to think of one’s death as a tool. It can be used deliberately to hurt somepony else, or as a balm for the pains that will not go away…or even as penance.” Twilight felt the older mare’s eyes burrow into her skull as she spoke those last words. “We know very well the allure of all of those reasons.”
“How do you do it?” Twilight was crying still. The sadness did not choke her airways or capture her words, but it filled her head. It made thinking about anything else difficult. “How do you…” She couldn’t even phrase the question in her mind. “I’m a monster, Luna. I did this. I caused all of this.” She gestured at the cavern around them. “I got my friends killed. I ruined Equestria.”
“We-” Luna took a deep breath and spoke again. “-I have learned that the only way to get through it is to find forgiveness. Not just the forgiveness of other ponies, but also your own.” Luna extended a wing and draped it over Twilight. “You will never get through this until you can find out how to forgive yourself. Then you must seek the forgiveness of others. You are the most important part, though. Nopony will ever forgive you until you first do it yourself.”
“How?” Twilight could not help but lean against the regent of the dream realm. She was not Celestia, she was nowhere near as comforting, but in this moment she felt like the mentor that Twilight needed. “I can’t ask everypony in Equestria…they don’t even know that I caused this.”
“Hmm.” Luna stared straight ahead and took a deep breath. “Well, there are some that do know. I would start there.” Luna gazed wistfully into the distance. “If I could ask forgiveness from the ponies I hurt from one thousand years ago, I would. If I had the chance…”
“I…okay.” Twilight nodded. She wasn’t sure how she would ever forgive herself. It seemed like a monumental task. Especially since that’s what she thought she had done. Getting the Pillars back and giving Equestria the protection it needed seemed like her redemption. It should’ve been, at least. So why wasn’t it as filling as it should have been? Why did she still feel like this. “How have you already forgiven yourself, Luna?”
“I haven’t.” The answer was short and simple.
“What?” Twilight shook her head. “But you seem so…normal.”
“I cannot allow myself to get bogged down with sadness, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna explained softly. “Celestia, Cadenza, and yourself have been so weighed down with heavy hearts. If I were to join you in those pits, then Equestria would suffer.” The next words came out quietly and bitterly as they left Luna’s lips. “I have been a monster for one thousand years, what is a little more?”
“I’m sorry.” Twilight shrunk away from Luna and the dream began to come apart at the edges. The sides of the cave slowly became soft and obscured as if they had been coated in oil. The feeling of hard stone beneath her changed to become almost spongy.
“No, do not be.” Luna said with a shake of her head and a sigh. “I apologize. I am not used to being the…emotionally sound one. This is new territory for all of us. I am just doing what I must, even though it hurts.”
There was a beat of silence.
“You are not all of your yesterdays, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna’s wing squeezed Twilight. “You are more than your mistakes and your faults. They may add up and seem to make a mountain you cannot bear to summit, but they are not all of you.” Luna searched for her next words before speaking them slowly. “You may not feel like it right now, but you are a hero Twilight Sparkle. You have saved Equestria more times than anypony else. Your good deeds will not turn to ash, they are too numerous to burn.”
—-
Twilight woke the next morning and found herself looking towards the window of her suite. The call of Ponyville was strong. Her heart ached for an end that she knew she did not yet deserve. It would still call to her, though. It would keep calling until she could forgive herself.
How she was to accomplish that task was a mystery.
After a brief shower and some spells to get her mane and tail in order, Twilight opened the door to her suite. She was not met with the usual sight of the two non-descript guards she was accustomed to standing on either side of her door. Instead Flash Magnus stood against the wall opposite her door. He wore his armor still with its bright red plume and scant protection.
“Oh. Hello Flash.” It felt weird to call him that considering the other Flash who was also a pegasus and a guard that was in the building. “How can I help you this morning?” It was easy to shrug off her malaise and put on her practiced princess face and accompanying smile.
“Well I was looking for something to do.” Flash responded as he pushed off from the wall and stood up straight. “Starswirl is preparing to go to some…vault or something. Rockhoof and Somnambula are going with him. Mistmane is staying back and working on some spell to reverse the physical defects of the unicorns. Princess Luna said that you could use a personal guard.”
“Oh did she?” Twilight tried to hide her annoyance and failed. “I assure you, I don’t need a personal guard. I can handle myself.” She began to walk away towards the elevators.
“I never said you couldn’t, Twilight.” Flash responded and followed her close behind. “I saw what happened yesterday when we were cornered by that crowd, though. I’m sure that sometimes a guard on your side could be of some use.”
Twilight didn’t really like that being used against her. The real reason was hopefully only known by herself and Luna, though. The lone functioning princess wanted to make sure that Twilight didn’t do something to hurt herself and she was sure that Flash was not going to leave no matter what excuse she made up.
“Alright well, I need to go up and see Princess Celestia.” Normally guards wouldn’t be allowed up there, but then again Flash Magnus wasn’t a guard. He was a Pillar, so that little trick would not work with him.
“Oh good, Starswirl’s up there right now. We can say goodbye.” There was no smarm in that response either, no knowing smirk accompanied the response. It was earnest and blunt.
The elevator opened as it had already been called by two guards stationed by the doors. The Pillar of Bravery and Element of Magic piled in. She was the one to reach over and press the button for the very top floor.
The usual bland music that crackled from the tinny speakers of the elevator was supplanted by the whistling of her pegasus counterpart. With nothing else to focus on, she settled on listening to him chirp out the tune. It wasn’t idle whistling either, it was a proper song he had in his head.
“What is that?” She had to ask as the tune looped back in on itself and seemed to start over.
“Hmm? Oh, it’s an old flying song.” He nodded. “Something to sing while you’re going to battle.” He looked at her with his inscrutable blue eyes. “I can stop if you want, Twilight.”
“It has lyrics?”
“Of course. Otherwise we would be a bunch of pegasi whistling as we flew. We’re warriors, not a flock of jays.” She waited for him to catch on. “Ah, you want to hear it.” She nodded. “Maybe some other time, after all we’re almost to the top. Would hate to keep everypony waiting.” He nodded at the little dial above the door whose needle was rapidly moving to the right.
“Alright, but you owe me that song.” Twilight pointed at him with a hoof. “I mean it. Not a lot of ancient pegasus songs survived throughout the years. You’re whistling a historical relic.” Flash gave a little bow and nod in response as the elevator dinged and the doors opened up again.
The two made their way into Celestia and Luna’s suite, still stacked high with paintings of ponies now long gone. Part of Twilight regretted introducing this idea to Celestia. While it was surely a good outlet in moderation, this did not seem healthy. Twilight did her best to steer clear of memories about the ponies she harmed during her time as a monster. To embrace it like this, to be surrounded by it on all sides, it would break her.
“We will return as soon as we are able. Two weeks at most.” Starswirl’s voice came from Celestia’s room and the old mage as well as Somnambula and Rockhoof emerged from it. “Ah, Twilight Sparkle. Fantastic. I was going to come see you next.”
“What about?” Twilight’s mind was wandering today, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t focus on the legend before her. “Is everything okay?”
“Debatable.” Starswirl answered with a huff as one of his hooves went to his beard and stroked it. “King Bullion’s Vault, do you remember if you shut it once you left for the train station to come back home?”
“Um…” Twilight blinked. “I…I don’t remember.” That was very odd. She could remember being infected with that gunk, and she could remember being on the train back home and feeling like death. “I…don’t remember how I got onto the train…” She tapped her hoof on the ground. “I was with two other ponies! An earth pony and a pegasus: Strata and Intrepid! They have to know something and there’s no way they left that big of a discovery up there. They probably stayed behind and studied everything in there.”
“I certainly hope not.” Starswirl mumbled. “Well, I will still be on my way there. Hopefully those two have not absconded with anything. There are very dangerous things in that vault, more dangerous than that plague even.” He gave another huff and narrowed his eyes. “See if anypony knows where they are in case they are not at the Vault, please. They might have things of mine I wish to see returned.”
“Dangerous things.” Twilight clarified.
“Cataclysmically so, Twilight Sparkle.”
She wanted to point out to the aged mage that then perhaps he should destroy them this time rather than let them sit where they don’t belong, but she didn’t want to argue. She was sure that the other Pillars had already admonished him for it multiple times since they were freed and learned the truth. Hopefully he would see reason and do what he should’ve done long ago.
“I’ll work on it.” Twilight said with a little nod.
The trio of Pillars moved past her and stopped to converse with Flash as the alicorn went into her mentor’s room. Inside Celestia, a very tired Luna, and Mistmane were waiting and conversing in front of the ‘self-portrait’ painted by Celestia’s hoof.
“I just think this is a good exercise.” Mistmane spoke slowly, but confidently. “To let ponies get their grief out through art is a good way to heal.” Twilight could tell the old mare had a lot more to say, probably the same things that she had to say about the clutter, but was holding back. “Imagine if we make this something everypony can do: they paint the ponies they hurt or lost during The Event and we display them somewhere that ponies can visit and see them all. A memorial made by the ponies, for the ponies. It would let ponies connect their grief with others’ and bond through art and trauma.”
“We quite like the idea, sister.” Luna spoke up but had to quickly cover her mouth with a hoof as she yawned. “Oh, apologies…it is late for Us. As We were saying, We like the idea. You already have much to add to a potential collection.”
“But…these are mine…” Celestia looked around at her paintings, especially the ones that were half-finished: a red mare with golden eyes and mane, a light blue mare with a slicked back white mane, and numerous guards whom Twilight could recognize from her time in Canterlot.
“Yes and it would help you connect with your subjects.” Mistmane spoke like the gentle grandmare she was as she guided Celestia down the path she was laying down. “If they see that even Princess Celestia is grieving, that even you are working through this…then maybe it could help others come to terms with iot, or even begin to work through their trauma themselves.”
“I also like the idea.” Twilight finally spoke up. “I mean, the portraits thing was something I suggested to Celestia anyway, but I think this could work. The Museum of Modern Art is empty, right? Everything in there was destroyed. We could use that as a memorial.”
“I’ll think about it…” Celestia relented.
“That’s all I ask.” Mistmane said with a smile and a nod. “Now I see that there are matters of state to attend to, so I’ll take my leave.” The Pillar of Beauty gave a very slight bow, as much of one as her arthritic joints would allow, and departed.
“We leave for the Changeling Hive in a few hours.” Luna said after a yawn once they were sure that Mistmane was gone. “We have been over our bargaining chips multiple times, but is there anything else you wish to say before we go and deal with this?”
“Well I would say ‘don’t get intimidated by Dragon Lord Ember’, but I don’t think that’s a worry.” Celestia tapped her chin as the thousand years of diplomatic experience overcame her melancholy. “Remember: we’re not giving up any food. We can open up volunteer forces for ponies to go help them, but we cannot promise them a specific number. I will not be ‘recruiting’ ponies to go work in a foreign country. Try to get the changelings on our side, I think we could live without the aid of the dragons. The changelings are crucial, though. Do whatever you can to broker a deal with them.”
“Very well.” Luna nodded at her sister and then turned to the other alicorn in the room. “Twilight Sparkle, do you have anything to say on this matter?”
“Yeah, it’s not Thorax you have to watch out for. He’s not much of a trickster like you would think. It’s his brother you need to keep an eye on, he’s definitely more…classic changeling. Even after the metamorphosis.” That was the vibe she got from Pharynx at least, and from what she had been told by Starlight and Trixie it was right on the money. “I’m sure Spike can give you some more insight, he knows Ember and Thorax way better than I do.”
“Time to make some friends, then.” Luna said with a tired grunt. “We will have Spike send updates on negotiations when able.” Luna gave a little wave as she trotted out of the room.
“They get to save the world while we’re busy trying to save ourselves…” Celestia trailed off as she turned around and sat in front of one of her unfinished paintings. “I’m not sure which is harder.”
End of Part One
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Oh hey I wonder who that is
...I am concerned that the poisoning of magic and near destruction of all of equestria isn't the most dangerous thing in there. Seriously wtf starswirl the chronically shortsighted.
This chapter really helped cement just how utterly broken Twilight is. She's at the point of actively dreaming about taking her own life, and even if Luna has dissuaded her from actually going through with it, the fact is that this is the lowest we'll probably ever see Twilight.
For now, at least. With the tomb about to ve discovered to have been pillaged, I'm sure that is not about to do her mental health any further favors. Poor Twilight.
Speaking of mental health, Celestia might want to hold off on finishing that painting...
11789293
Amen to that. For someone so wise and revered, he's made a horrible mess for future generations. The Pony of Shadows. Sending the sirens to the EG human world. I'm failing to see what makes him so great when all he does is force others to fix his screw ups.
Oh no wait until he finds out everything is gone
Speaking of memories oh look it’s her
Time to read sun and shield to figure out who this red mare with golden eyes and mane is I guess
So I dropped off reading this for awhile. Mostly because I was going through some stuff of my own. Nice to know that it’s still very good.
By the way are we ever going to find out what happened in the equestria girls when the event happened?
11792465
No.
11792467
Ah i see. I’m sorry I asked.
11792221
Brace yourself.
At first I wanted to say "Hold that thought..", but then I realized something. Even if for a different reason, Celestia is kinda right.
Rose both we and Celestia knew at first is long dead. Hell, maybe she never even existed.
What ramains is the thing that wears her skin.. or the monster that was always there, just hidden and posing as Rose.