Spike vs Bridezilla, Destoroyah of Marriages

by TheMessenger

Chapter 7: Two Point Nine Nine Nine Three Months

Spike immediately took off with two great beats of his wings and continued to shoot himself through the air with each consecutive flap. His vision blurred, forcing him to squint as the brisk wind cut against his scales while the clouds he recklessly punched through coated him in condensation.

Spike’s teeth clenched together tightly, the force of pressure upon his body increasing as a result of his unchecked acceleration. Whatever Twilight wanted, he thought to himself, it had better truly be important. The contents of her brief letter certainly made it sound like the direst of emergencies, but Spike couldn’t help but recall her numerous past overreactions, whether due to perceived tests, potentially overdue books, or tardiness. Actually, the thought of a repeat of the Smarty Pants incident but in a city as large as Canterlot gave Spike an extra kick of panic induced adrenaline, and it wasn’t long before Spike could spot the spires of the royal palace, the sight of which spurred him on further.

As far as Spike could tell, nothing was on fire yet, a good sign for sure, but as he got closer and readied himself for a fast and rough landing, he noted the hectic scramble below. Groundskeepers and guards ran in every which direction, their cries filling the air. Spike flipped over, his wings furiously beating now to slow his descent, and though he still hit the ground hard, it was on his feet and not on top of any creature else.

Spike took a second to shake the moisture off his body and return feeling to his limbs before running up to one of the passing guards. “What’s going on?” he demanded as he kept pace. “Where’s the princess?”

The guard’s face instantly lit up with recognition and relief. “Sir Spike,” the young stallion breathed, his spear nearly slipping out of his hold as he attempted a clumsy salute. “There’s something, a monster! In the gardens! The princess is trying to contain it!”

“Twilight fighting monsters in the gardens, got it,” said Spike with a short nod. “I’m headed there now. You, go regroup with your squad or captain or whoever you directly answer to and, uh, wait for further instructions.”

“Yes sir!” The guard saluted again and ran off while Spike gave his wings a quick test flap, winced, and decided instead to rush to the palace’s gardens on foot.

The scene that awaited him was not a pretty one. Large chunks of the once manicured lawn had been torn out of the ground, covering the rest of the grass in dirt. Pieces of tree bark and broken branches laid scattered about, some even impaled in the earth, along with sections of ruined shrubbery and despoiled flower blossoms. Multiple stampedes of monkeys, bears, and birds of all shapes and colors were in process as their pony caretakers and the guards assisting them struggled to maintain order.

“Fine time for Gallus to be on vacation,” Spike muttered to himself. “Where is his substitute?” He was about to attempt the impossible task of getting somepony’s attention away from the ongoing mess long enough to provide a more thorough explanation when he heard a loud snap. He turned toward the sound just in time to see a large tree deeper in the gardens start to shake, then fall with a thunderous, ground shaking slam. Well it was the best clue he had, and so Spike made his way in that direction, navigating through the debris and streams of animals in his path.

The destruction grew worse the further he got into the gardens, with even more plant matter strewn about haphazardly and long, deep gashes in the ground, a horrifying hint to the sort of creature that had caused this horrible wreckage. Spike bent down to examine the marks more closely, trying to remember his and Twilight’s old studies on mystical beasts, but his attention was stolen by the familiar shrill sound of magic missiles launching through the air. He looked up, and there was Twilight, darting oddly sluggishly above as she fired bolts of purple upon some unseen assailant below.

Spike’s eyes widened and a cry escaped him as he watched a red something reach up and knock the alicorn out of the air, sending her plummeting to the ground. His heart pounding with worry, Spike sprinted over to where he saw Twilight fall, fighting to keep his emotions in check and thoughts of the worst possible scenario at bay as he crashed through the bushes and shoved his way past the low hanging branches.

“Twilight!” he yelled out, unable to contain himself as his oldest friend finally came into view. Spike rushed to her side, barely registering the book floating nearby within the alicorn’s magic grasp, and let out a long sigh of relief upon seeing that there were no injuries save for some light bruising and some dirt on her coat.

Spike held out a claw and helped Twilight stand. “You alright?” he asked.

Twilight nodded as she too breathed out and allowed herself to visibly relax. “I’m glad to see you here. You got my message then?”

“Of course, though it was a little light on the details. What’re we dealing with?” Spike blinked as he suddenly noticed the two young unicorns on Twilight’s back, wide eyed, slack jawed, and shaking with fear and excitement, though thankfully neither appeared at all hurt. “Why are there foals here? What is this, a field trip gone wrong? Wait.” Spike gave Twilight a questioning look. “Is this supposed to be some sort of friendship lesson disguised as an elaborate disaster?”

“No, of course not. I haven’t done those since—“ Twilight gasped and leapt back, her wings kicking back gust to further propel herself and the foals attached to her away. “Look out!”

At Twilight’s warning, Spike turned and raised his arms just as a massive red appendage bursted out of the surrounding foliage and crashed into him. The appendage’s end was separated into two large sections to form a powerful pincer made of a hard chitinous material. The primitive claw slowly tried to close upon the dragon, but a grunt, Spike held it open, giving himself time to escape before the claw slammed shut with a loud snap. The rest of the creature stepped into view, and before Spike now scuttled a bright red and blue crab twice his height and with the proportions to match. Foam coated the crustacean’s mandibles as they made madden clicks, its eyestalks waving with rage as they scanned the area for targets before zeroing in on Spike.

“Huh. Giant enemy crab. Alright then.” Spike stretched his neck to each of his shoulders, making a loud popping sound. “You don’t look so tough. Come at me.”

The crab raised its claws, and suddenly, the clearing darkened. Spike’s head was forced to tilt upwards and leaned back to keep his opponent in his sights as he watched the crab’s body expand and expand until it had nearly doubled in size. Each half of the creature’s colossal claws was now as large as Spike in his entirety, the mere shadow of one covering all that Spike could see.

“Uh, Twili—whoa!”

The claw fell and caught hold of Spike, pinning his arms to his sides and wings to his back. His scales kept the pincers from cutting into him, but there was little he could do about the crushing pressure. He tried to break free, kicking his legs and wiggling with all his might as the crab slowly lifted him high into the air, but he barely felt his restrains budge.

“These foals are students from the School of Gifted Unicorns!” Spike heard Twilight scream out. “When they overheard some gardeners complain about how difficult it was to keep the ponds clean, they got the idea of using crabs from a book! But when the crab they brought turned out to be too small for the job, they tried to grow it magically! Of course, with growth spells, if you aren’t careful and don’t set proper limitations, you can—“

“Less explaining, more helping!” Spike yelled back. “What should I do?”

“Don’t worry, you’re doing fine.”

The crab had pulled Spike closer to its mouth, spraying him with bubbles. He gagged at the putrid odor of partially digested compost coming from the creature. “Fine?”

“Just keep it distracted! I’m looking for a counterspell right now. Their custom growth spell is actually pretty complex, I wish they had taken notes.”

“Twilight!”

“It’s an aquatic animal. It’ll grow weaker the drier it gets. Just give me a little time!”

Spike’s head was now only feet away from the crab’s mandibles. “Hurry up!” he shouted before drawing in as deep a breath as he could with the claw pressing against his diaphragm. The resulting flames that he spat out were small, but the heat they packed as they licked against the crab was still enough to cause the creature to recoil. The claw loosened its grip for only a moment, but a moment was all Spike needed to free his arms and force the claw open.

“Alright pal!” Spike shouted as he took to the air and hovered above the giant crab. “What’s the matter, can’t take the heat?” Fire rained down the crab’s shell, sending it into a crazed frenzy as it swatted at the dragon above.

“Hey, no need to get, crabby!” Spike slammed down on top of crab’s back, driving his foot into the tough exoskeleton before launching a barrage of punches. He wasn’t sure if his blows had dealt any real damage, but as the crab continued to futilely reach for him, at least Spike knew he was keeping the creature occupied.

Suddenly, the crab stopped thrashing, and its body was starting to emit a familiar violet glow. Spike’s next strike went wide as the crab lurched forward, causing the dragon to lose his balance and nearly fall off. The crab continued to shake, and with each motion, Spike noticed that he suddenly had less shell to cling onto and a lot less room to stand on. Pretty soon, he could see the ground below again, and moments after that he found himself falling rapidly back to earth.

“Ugh,” Spike groaned, sitting himself up. Looking around, he spotted his foe trying to scamper in the grass, its tiny legs getting easily caught by the uneven blades of green. Smirking, Spike picked up the crab and held it up to his eye level. “Not so tough now, are we?”

The crab clamped its pincer down on Spike’s snout, causing him to fling the crab away with a pained yell. He heard a splash, and when he turned to look, with a claw cradling his nose, Spike saw that the crab had landed in a small portable tank held by one of the unicorn students.

Twilight barely tried to stifle her giggle as she extended her hoof to Spike and helped him up. “Good job there. You made a wonderful distraction.”

“Geez, glad I could help,” Spike groaned as he stretched. “We should probably get back to the castle soon. You know, to let everypony know that the situation’s taken care of. Before the panic gets any worse.”

“Yes, you’re probably right.” Twilight sighed as she started her trek out of what remained of the ruined gardens. “I should really see if I can get Shiny to come out of retirement and take back his old job, at least until Gallus returns.”

“I hear Flurry Heart finished basic training a while back, maybe we can get her to defect from the Crystal Empire.”

Twilight and Spike shared a chuckle before the princess turned to the pair of foals walking closely by. “Now my little ponies, what have we learned today?” she asked, her voice in full lecturing mode.

“That Conjurer Pisces’s theorem of infinite mass amplification through arcane hormone manipulation was considered insane until the modern development of concentrated magic surplus drainage for good reason and that she wasn’t completely crazy like her contemporaries claimed for hard coding upper percentage based limits into the spell?”

“That watching dragons fight giant crabs is awesome?”

“Smart foals,” Spike said with a smirk. “Guess they really are from your school.”

They soon exited the gardens, and the moment they stepped out onto the open fields, a swarm of guards and castle staff surround Twilight and Spike, fussing over them and checking for injuries. It took several minutes before they could get the worried crowd to calm, and at the princess’s direction, they got to work, setting up perimeters to close off from the general public, helping the animal caretakers wrangling in their charges, beginning a full damage assessment.

It was some time before Spike had the opportunity to stepped back to appreciated the full extent of the destruction before him. He let out a low whistle. “This is, wow, yikes.”

Twilight joined him and nodded somberly. “It looks bad, I know, but it’s all fixable. All of the animals are safe and accounted for, and believe it or not, the damage is only on a small section of the gardens. With the school’s help, we should be able to put it all back in place before this year’s Grand Galloping Gala.”

“Why, that’s a relief to hear.”

The two turned to find that they were joined by an older stallion in a formal dress coat and monocle and a mare in a jabot and vest holding a clipboard. Both bowed to Twilight before the stallion nodded to Spike and cleared his throat.

“Apologies for interrupting,” Fancy Pants said, “but it’s good to see you safe and sound after all this. I must say, old chap, you are taking this rather well.”

“Well, it’s not like this is my first time almost being eaten by some large monster in service of the princess,” Spike said, grinning at Twilight as she rolled her eyes. “Oh, that’s right. I think you had something you needed to talk to me about?”

“I do, or did, but I’m sure no elaboration will be necessary seeing as you are already quite familiar with the situation.”

“You mean, the giant crab attack?” Spike asked, his grin faltering slightly in confusion. “Um, yeah, I guess. I’m not sure why you would be coming to me about it though.”

“Er, no. While I am certainly pleased to hear that the creature was dealt with, I was actually referring to the damage to the gardens itself.” The eyebrow behind the monocle rose. “You had requested the gardens to be the venue for your wedding and its reception, no?”

It took a few seconds for Spike’s brain to warm up, but eventually the gears in his head slowly started to turned and produce understanding as Fancy Pants’s words provided the fuel to kick the engine into motion. His eyes grew large as realization struck him harder than the giant crab had. “Oh. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no.”

Spike took an unsteady step toward the debris, his chest rising and falling in rapid succession. His world started to spin, and he fell to his knees. The worried exclamations of Twilight and the others were like muffled echos to his ears, barely audible. Twilight’s touch providing no comfort to his numb body.

He swallowed and forced himself back onto his feet. “Y-you said the gardens would be ready by the Grand Galloping Gala, right?”

“I did,” Twilight said with a stiff, uncomfortable nod.

Spike struggled to perform some mental arithmetic, holding up his fingers as he counted down the months. “Can we, get it done any earlier. Like, maybe, three months earlier?”

“I’m sorry, Spike.”

Spike nearly dropped back to his hands and knees, but Twilight caught him in her magic. “Spike. Spike, I need you to calm down. Breath with me, Spike. Breath.”

“Calm down? Calm down?” He gestured wildly at what had once been a picturesque collection of fauna, of flowering trees and artistically maintained bushes, now little more than a scattered mess of shredded plant matter and litter. “How am I supposed to calm down now? Do you see what I have to work with? Oh my gosh, when Rarity finds out, oh my gosh, oh gosh, what am I going to here. I got to, got to, uh, oh gosh, uh—“

Both Fancy Pants and the scribe winced at the sharp slap sound that resulted from Princess Twilight Sparkle clapping her hooves over Spike’s cheeks and forcing his gaze to met hers. “Breath with me. In. Out. In. Out. In. Hold it. Hold it. Now out.”

Spike exhaled.

“Feel better?”

He nodded with apparent reluctance and tried to turn away. Twilight held him in place. “Good. Now listen to me. We can solve this. The gardens aren’t the only place around here that you can hold a wedding. Alright?”

Spike swallowed. He took another deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”

Twilight smiled as she pressed her forehead against his and released her number one assistant.

“You’re right,” Spike continued, rubbing the back of his neck shamefully. “I’m sorry, I, I don’t know what happened, I just lost it.” He turned to Fancy Pants. “How soon can we find a new venue?” he asked.

“Well, it is rather last minute, most locations would require much more time in advance to reserve. However, given the circumstances, and your position, if we were to start immediately, I believe the planning committee should be able to arrange an adequate replacement.”

“Alright, how about now? Is now good?” Spike said, looking to Twilight, and when she responded with a nod, he returned to the snappily dressed stallion. “Now’s good. Let’s start now.”

“Um, Sir Spike.” The mare in the vest and ruffled collar held up a timid hoof. “Before you, ah, head off with Lord Fancy Pants, you should know that there was a message from Ms. Sapphire Shores for you earlier today.”

“Oh, right, that must’ve been the other notification,” Spike said with an appreciative nod. “What’s the message?”

“Well, Ms. Shores has received your request and has expressed her interest in coming out of retirement for a day to celebrate your wedding with Ms. Rarity.” The mare bit her lip and hesitated.

“But?” Spike prompted, his shoulders sagging.

“However, Ms. Shores appears to be having reservations over having to essentially play second fiddle to a flock of songbirds. She feels as though it wouldn’t exactly be, and this is in her terms, sensational.”

“Oh. Well. That’s.” With his lips pursed tightly together, Spike turned to Twilight, and as she gave his shoulder a firm pat, Spike’s stiff and anxious expression melted away into something more exhausted looking.

“Alright, first things first. I need a donut.”