Spike vs Bridezilla, Destoroyah of Marriages

by TheMessenger

Chapter 6: Three Months

If barrels could quake on their own volition, they certainly would have done so under the intense scrutinizing glare of the dragon who marched before their rows. At each one, Spike would drop to his knees and throw his claws upon the container’s wooden surface, tracing the polished lines as he searched for warps and imperfections. He tugged at the lids, each marked with crisscrossing bright yellow tape, to ensure that the seal was in place before giving the barrel a light push to test its weight. Finally, there was the label on the barrel’s side. Spike would rub his knuckles against the drawn image of an apple in a see-through tankard and check for any smearing of ink and if the sticker’s adhesive had survived contact. Once satisfied, the dragon would stand back up, jot something down on his notepad, and repeat the process with the next barrel.

The pegasus standing nearby let out a groan. “Come on, are you seriously going to do this with every single one of them?” grumbled Rainbow Dash.

“You asked me that less than a minute ago,” Spike said without bothering to look up from his examination. “And the answer is still yes.”

“Oh come on. I told you, I already made sure they were all good and ready.” Rainbow lowered her voice. “If they weren’t, I wouldn’t still be waiting for a taste.”

“Maybe you being on quality control is why he’s so careful here,” Applejack said, her short chortle getting Rainbow’s tongue stuck at her in response. “Don’t worry none, I was there too. All them barrels are tighter than bark on a tree and fuller than the moon on Nightmare Night.”

“Uh huh,” Spike muttered as he continued his extensive inspection.

Applejack’s smirk turned to a frown as she and Rainbow shared a look of confusion, annoyance, and a good amount of impatience. “Listen, Spike, we’ve been working on this catering business nearly all morning now.” Her thoughts briefly went to the charts, diagrams, and lists that had occupied her kitchen table. “What’s say we take a break.” She nudged the barrel behind her, this one lacking the tape and the labels that the ones Spike was looking over had. “Besides, we haven’t tested the most important part yet.” She opened a spout near the barrel’s base, allowing its tangy brown contents to flow into the waiting cup underneath. “Seeing how the batch tastes.”

Her eyes barely caught the rainbow blur that flew by as the cup was snatched out of her hooves. “Finally,” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, ignoring Applejack’s glare as she dove her snout deep into the mug. Loud slurps and muffled ecstatic moans could be heard coming out of the cup while Applejack prepared two additional mugs of cider and held one out temptingly toward Spike.

A long moment passed before Spike slowly stood up and dusted off his knees. “Yeah, yeah alright,” he said and accepted the mug. “I guess we have been at this for a while now, huh?” He tried to smile. “Sorry. I just—“

Rainbow pulled her face, matted and stained with sticky fruit juice, out of her cup. “Want all this to be perfect. Yeah, we know. You said that, what, five times in the last hour?” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Well this cider’s pretty dang perfect.” She turned to Applejack and held up her cup in a toast for about half a second before losing herself in it once more.

Applejack raised her own mug toward Spike, and after they had knocked their cups against each other, they followed Rainbow’s lead and drank. The sweet, familiar taste of apples quickly filled Applejack’s mouth as the fizziness excited the whole surface of her tongue with each pop. The bubbly drink tickled her throat as it carried the first mouthful of cider down to her belly where it finally settled, and she was about to send down the second gulp when she stopped herself and looked to her guest.

Spike’s cheeks puffed out as he swished the cider between the two sides of his mouth. His nostrils flared and shrunk with each deep breath as his eyes narrowed and even crossed in concentration. He finally swallowed after a good few seconds, which seemed to take even more seconds as Applejack watched the lump in the dragon’s throat descend so very slowly.

“Er, Spike?” Applejack said, her tone a mix of confusion and concern. “You alright there?

“Huh? Oh!” Spike nodded. “Yeah, yeah. It’s fine. The cider’s good. Real good. Great.” He grinned, banishing the last of the stupor Applejack had spotted him in.

“Of course it’s great. It’s Applejack’s cider.” Rainbow Dash had once again exited her mug that everyone could see was now empty as she held it up over her head and tried to catch the last drops on her tongue. “The problem is that there’s always never enough to go around.”

Spike stepped forward, putting himself between Rainbow and his marked barrels, but the pegasus simply handed her mug to Applejack who refilled it from her separate container. “We keep growing, having more trees, getting more apples, hiring more workers, but it just don’t seem like we can meet demand.” Applejack shook her head and snorted. “Funny how that all works. Anyways, those ought to be enough for the wedding. I can hold onto them til then and just bring them with me when I head into Canterlot to help with the rest of the eats.”

“Actually, I’ve already arranged for them to be delivered to the castle at the end of the week. Though I should see if I can move that date up a few days. To tomorrow.”

Applejack followed Spike’s gaze to the pegasus too busy guzzling down her drink to notice their stares. The farmer chuckled. “Yeah. Don’t worry, we’ve got some experience keeping varmint out of our produce, but I guess the extra distance plus a secured storage room and castle full of guards and whatever else can’t hurt. You can pick up your cider whenever, they’re yours.”

“Right.” Spike finished the rest of his cup with one great swig. “Well, let’s get back to work. Still got to make sure they’re all—“

There was a buzz, and the band strapped around Spike’s wrist started flashing different colors in sequence. “Oh, shoot.”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask, what’s that about?” Rainbow gestured to the glowing bracelet. “Rarity got you into accessorizing now or something?”

Huh? Oh, no, it’s not that.” Spike held up his wrist for all to see. “With all these wedding preparations on top of my regular duties, I’ve had so much to keep track of. I went to Starlight to see if she could make me a clone since Twilight wouldn’t, and I guess cloning your friends for convenience sake is now considered unethical because she refused too.”

“Yeah, shame. Hey, have you noticed that Starlight’s been more of a stickler for the rules ever since she took over the School of Friendship?” Rainbow turned to Applejack. “Can you even remember when was the last time she magically brainwashed a pony?”

“Different era now,” Applejack answered with a shrug. “Guess that ain’t all that acceptable anymore. But what does have to do with that there glowing bracelet?”

“Well Starlight gave this to me instead. It acts as an instant communicator. It’s a little wonky, but whenever somepony, well, somepony that’s been granted permission, needs to see me, it flashes,” Spike explained. “Beats trying to teach everypony how to send letters through my fire anyways. Now, uh, let’s see here.” He returned his attention to the flashing band. “That’s two blues, a red, another blue, a green. Oh! That’s Yona and Sandbar.”

He slammed his notepad shut. “I need to get going, might be important. Probably important. Of course it’s important, it’s about the dress, what else would it be about?” Spike was muttering. “I’ll try to be back later, but if I can’t.” He pointed to the notepad. “I’ve got all the important stuff in here. If you can think of anything else you might need, let me know ASAP. Otherwise, the castle kitchens will be ready for you by the time you arrive.”

“Will do,” Applejack said with a nod. “And try not to be a stranger, you hear? We missed you at our last couple of get-togethers.”

Spike responded with an absentminded nod as with a wave he ran out of the barn and took off. With his franticness lending wind to his wings, it didn’t take long before Ponyville proper came into sight, and he quickly found the distinctive structure that was Carousel Boutique. In his rush, Spike’s landing was a near crash at the store’s doorstep, and he hadn’t even finished brushing the dirt off his hands and knees before he started to pound at the door.

The door was opened by a tired looking Sandbar, his vest and face wrinkled and his eyes heavy with shadows. At Spike’s appearance, the stallion’s features lit up slightly as Sandbar attempted a smile.

“Oh, hey. You’re here already?” he said. “Huh, that was quick.”

“Yeah, I was actually at Sweet Apple Acres when I got your message.” Spike followed Sandbar inside. “So, got any news about the dress? I know Rarity came by a few days ago. She was fine with our final design, right?”

“Oh yeah, she was real happy, she barely made any changes, so Yona went straight to work. It’s pretty much done, besides the finally fitting and some extra decorations.” Sandbar let out a long and exhaustive breath. “Got to say, I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed over a project before, and we’ve had to handle single day deadlines for crazy complicated orders.”

“Let me guess, pop stars?”

“Close. Boy bands.” Sandbar shuddered as he walked Spike past the displays of merchandise and into a dark workroom
In the back. In the center there was a large white sheet covering what Spike assumed, based on the bulge, was a pony shaped mannequin. A loud growl drew Spike to a corner where he found Yona slumped in an armchair, snoring away peacefully. A quilt laid at the base of the chair, crumbled up in a messy pile.

“Did you two stay up all night working? You know we still have a few months, right? I don’t want you two making mistakes because you feel like you have to rush.”

“Yeah, I know, but Yona got in the zone, and when she in the zone, she like a stampeding, uh, yak. There’s no stopping her. And it wasn’t all night.” Sandbar covered his mouth with a hoof as he stifled his yawn. “It got pretty late, yeah, but we still got a good few hours of shuteye.”

Sandbar walked over to a covered window and threw aside the curtains, filling the room with daylight. A stray sunbeam struck Yona in the face, inciting a startled snort as the yak’s eyes flew open. With a yell and some panicked waving, she slid out of her chair and landed with an audible thud.

“Wakey wakey, sleeping beauty,” Sandbar greeted with a grin as a groaning Yona rubbed at her eyes. “Spike’s here, and you get one guess to why.”

“Spike, here? Now?” Yona slapped her cheeks hard and got back onto her hooves. She turned to face the dragon, stomping as she rotated her entire body towards Spike. “Spike here for dress?”

“You know it,” Spike said, nodding as he rubbed his hands together. “Come on, Sandbar’s got me all excited. I’ve got to see it now. It, is ready, isn’t?”

“Of course,” Yona exclaimed, slamming her chest. “Yona dresses always ready, always good. Yona make Spike and Rarity proud.” She hurried over to covered mannequin and grabbed the sheet. She started to pull but suddenly stopped and turned to Spike with an uncertain expression, her prideful grin now a worried frown.

“Um, Spike sure want to see dress before wedding day?” the yak asked. “Yona talk to Rarity. Rarity also say it bad luck for Spike to see dress. Spike okay with bad luck?”

“Yes, yes! Could you please get on with it?” Spike demanded, throwing his hands out toward the white sheet in the center. “I’m dying in anticipation here.”

Yona turned to Sandbar, and when his only response was a nonchalant shrug, Yona cleared her throat and flung off the sheet. Her previous pride returned in full force, causing her to turn up her nose into the air in triumph as she watched Spike’s eyes widen and his jaw drop at the sight of the model and its attire.

Sewn beads arranged in the shape of diamonds and flowers adorned the front of the dress that was supported by a single strap composed of multiple lacy layers stacked on one another upon the left shoulder, leaving the right one and much of the neck line exposed. The cream white sleeves extended down to the mannequin’s fetlocks where the golden trimmed ends opened widely, like the sleeves of a robe. A purple silk sash was tied to the waist of the dress from which a long train rolled out, its tiered sections billowing like that of a ballroom gown.

“So, what do you think?” Sandbar asked, poking Spike in his side. “Not too shabby, eh?”

Yona let out a snort. “Yona not make shabby. Yona dresses always best. Dress for Rarity is best dress.”

Spike picked up his fallen jaw. “Do you have our design notes on you right now?”

Sandbar nodded to a workbench to the side. A sketchbook sat on the bench, open to a page that had a drawn out depiction of the completed dress before them with various written notes around it. “Over there.”

Spike made his way over and brought the book back with him. His gaze alternated between the wedding dress and its blueprint as he tapped his chin thoughtfully. “The beading,” he suddenly said, shoving the book into Sandbar’s forelegs.

“Huh?”

“There’s too much beading,” Spike declared. He walked over to the model and motioned to the mannequin’s chest. “It looks great, yeah, but the front’s now too top heavy. See how it’s sagging here?”

The two had to squint to notice the couple inches of space between the fabric of the dress’s front and the fabric of the mannequin’s cloth body.

“I want to keep the one strap, it looks really good, but I’m not comfortable with it being the only support here. Hm, maybe make a second one see through or cover it up under a flower or something. Hm, no. A corset, maybe?”

“Uh, is it really that big a deal?” Sandbar asked as he and Yona shared a skeptical glance. “I mean, it’s not sagging that much.”

“What if that extra weight causes it to slip off while Rarity’s making her way down the aisle? Do you know how embarrassing that would be?” Spike shook his head. “Better not risk it, so let’s go with, one fifth, yeah, one fifth less beading and see how that looks.”

“Alright then. That should be a pretty easy fix, right?” Sandbar looked to Yona who nodded.

“And we’ll have to shorten these sleeves,” Spike continued, lowering himself to offending feature’s level. “They’re too close to the ground, Rarity might trip over them or they might get grass stains. Either we’ll have to raise them up to here.” Spike pulled the sleeves up to the elbows. “Or tighten opening’s widths. Shrinking the sleeves’ openings might actually look better, now that I think about it.”

“Well, I guess—“

“Same with the bottom half.” Spike stood up and walked behind the mannequin. “The ball gown style is a classic and all, but this is too much. It’s a walking hazard right now. We need to shorten the train or add some more support to hold the train up. Actually, no, that might end up making the backside look fat.”

“It—“

“Let’s see if a different style will work better. Maybe something more of a sheath or a mermaid. Oh, and can we please talk about the color?”

Yona’s frown darkened into a scowl. “What wrong with color?”

“It’s still too similar to Rarity’s own. We need to go at least two or three shades darker, maybe add a bit of blue to it. Also, what is this?” Spike pinched a section of the front part between his fingers and rubbed. “Is this cotton? I thought agreed on chiffon or satin. You know, something light. We don’t want it to get too hot for her.”

“So that’s the front, the back, the sleeves, the color, and the material. Anything else wrong?” Sandbar said, his voice deadpanned and steady as Yona’s lips continued to press tightly against each other.

“No, other than all that, it’s a fine dress, good, great even. It’s just not, well, perfect. Here, let’s just go over everything one more time and try—“

Spike’s wrist was starting to flash. He frowned at the band, his eyes narrowing in concentration as he watched the sequence play out. “Red, blue, red, red, green. That’ll be Fancy Pants and the gala planning committee.” He lowered his hand and returned his attention to Yona and Sandbar. “They can wait, this is more important right now. We—“

A new sequence flashed across the dragon’s wrist. With a sigh, he lifted his wrist back up to check the glowing band. “That’s, uh, I can’t remember. I’ll figure it out once I’m back in Canterlot. Now anyways, it’s a good thing we caught all this before Rarity had to—“

The remainder of the sentence was garbled and lost in a sudden series of gasps and heaves and guttural choking sounds. Spike’s claws threw over his mouth and his throat as his shoulders started to shake. Sandbar and Yona spared each other a quick concerned look before stepping toward the choking dragon, but Spike waved them away seconds before releasing a spurt of green flames from his mouth. Heat and alarmed yells filled the workroom as Yona and Sandbar dove for cover, and when the two felt the surrounding temperature cool after a short moment and dared to peek, they saw that a small scroll had manifested from dispersing flames.

“Sorry, sorry! Normally I get more of a warning before that happens,” Spike said as he caught the scroll and started to unravel it. “Let’s see here. Looks like it’s from Twilight. Huh, it’s pretty short.” Spike’s intrigued expression shifted into a frown as his gaze reached the scroll’s bottom, and he made the parchment disappear with another breath of fire.

“Um, so, sorry about this, but I’m going to have to cut this short. There’s some kind of emergency happening back at the castle, and I need to be there, um, now.” Spike started to approach the room’s exit when he stopped and turned back to his hosts. “You’ve got everything down right? I’ll try to be back as soon as I can, but maybe if you could get started on those fixes, I don’t really know how long this emergency is going to take to resolve, so.” Spike gestured to the rejected dress, so proudly displayed in room’s center. “But yeah, other than those details, you did good.”

The yak’s brow furrowed with confused frustration. “But Spike only have complaints for dress. Make it sound like Yona and Sandbar should start dress all over now.”

“Yep. Great. Keep up the great job! See you when I see you,” Spike said, jabbing his index fingers out toward Yona and Sandbar as he backed his way out of the room before turning and breaking into a mad dash out of the boutique.