• Published 28th Aug 2021
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Spike vs Bridezilla, Destoroyah of Marriages - TheMessenger



In order to prevent the appearance of a great and terrible monster, Spike must do everything possible to ensure his and Rarity’s wedding day is a perfect one.

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Chapter 8: Two and a Half Weeks

Tall decorative poles had been erected in the quiet calm meadow, white pillars sticking out of a sea of green, each of which had an attached sconce, currently empty, designed for holding a bouquet. In four columns of twelve they stood, with streamers of entwining violet and gold velvet fabrics linking together those of the same column. The poles at the very ends were also connected like such, creating a large gold and purple rectangle separated into three compartments. Benches filled the two exterior compartments that flanked the narrower inner third section which led directly to wooden archway, painted white and with images of vines sprouting in flower blossoms and diamonds carved into it. The archway sat looking over the edge of a cliff from which the towns and villages around Canterlot could be seen. There, out in the distance, small enough that it looked as though it could be held in the hooves of an observer standing at the edge, was Ponyville, the scopes and majesties of Twilight’s old castle and the School of Friendship reduced to that of dollhouses.

It wouldn’t be too long now before the benches were filled with guests, the pillars holding flowers, the aisle covered in white and pink petals. Spike would be there at the end, waiting and watching with Twilight as his bride made her way down the aisle, the petals keeping her hooves from touching the grass. The area was silent at the moment, but from a separate open space to the side, Fluttershy’s avian choir would emphatically announce Rarity’s approach as she joined Spike beneath the arch.

When the time came, Spike’s attention would no doubt be completely upon his lovely bride, but for now his focus was instead on the many tables and stalls that sat a little ways away, each vibrantly colored and covered in various celebratory supplies like confetti poppers and noise makers and balloons that had yet to be inflated. More streamers, these ones of paper and in far more varied bright colors, stretched down from the shady branches of the nearby trees, and posted on the trunks were stylized caricatures of Spike and Rarity performing various activities, from square dancing to skydiving to what was either a poor attempt to feed each other or the start of a vicious food fight.

“So? What do you think?” asked Pinkie Pie, her grin massive as she gestured to the decorations. On her back was a half emptied box of pastries, containing only a couple of donuts and some residue sugar powder and sprinkles. A good deal of chocolate glaze still clung to Pinkie’s lips while Spike licked off the last bit of strawberry jelly from his claws. “This is where the food is. Or, will be, once Applejack makes all of it. And this is the dance floor. Or, where it will be once the band’s here and we have guests that want to dance. Oh, and this is where the games are, like pin the tail on the pony, that’s Rarity’s favorite game you know, but we also have give the dragon wings too, so you don’t feel left out. Or, where the games will be because, you know.”

Pinkie waved at the empty tables and clear fields. “We don’t have them out yet. Are you sure we didn’t start setting up a little too early? The reception and everything isn’t for another, what, two and a half weeks? I get it, sometimes I get so excited about a party I just have to start planning and baking and decorating, but then I end up with a bunch of cakes and games and decorations that I don’t really need so I just invite as many friends as possible and make up an excuse to throw a new party right then and there.” Pinkie gasped, and she jumped into the air as her mane stretched and expanded. “Is some creature else getting married today?”

“Um, no. No, this is fine,” Spike assured after an uncertain moment. “I just wanted to get a good look at the layout and everything in advanced, that’s all. You know, to see if there’s anything that needs to be added or moved around. Like, uh.” He pointed to the pictures stuck to the trees. “Do we have anything less, cartoony? Like maybe photographs?”

Why?” Pinkie ran over to one of the images of Spike and alternated her gaze between it and the real Spike before her. “Looks spot on to me. It’s like there’s two of you here. Besides, I don’t have any photos of you and Rarity square dancing or kayaking or skydiving or eating cake while wearing wedding clothes.”

“Well maybe just paste pictures of our faces over the drawings. Actually, no, that might make it look even worse.” Spike hummed to himself before shaking his head. “I don’t know, I just, is this the best we can do? Not to say that there anything’s wrong or anything,” he hurried added. “I just, I’m just a little worried that Rarity might not be the biggest fan of, well, everything.”

“Oh Spike, Spike, Spikey Spike Spike.” Pinkie shook her head as she threw a foreleg around Spike’s shoulders and pulled him down to her height. “Looks like we’ve spent way too much time apart if you’ve forgotten so much about your Auntie Pinkie Pie.” she said with a sigh. “When it comes to parties, I always, always bring my best. And, ah.” The mare chuckled as she gently prodded Spike’s belly with her hoof. “I know you’re the one marrying her and all, but I’m the one with extensive files on all my friends’s likes and dislikes, and that includes you and Rarity, so I think I’d know what Rarity would or wouldn’t be the biggest fan of.”

Spike opened his mouth but quickly thought better of it and shut it. “True enough, I guess,” he conceded. “Well, you’re the party expert here, if you really think this is good, then we’ll leave it at that. But, um, speaking of parties, I’m surprised Rainbow Dash’s planning the bachelorette party and not you.”

Pinkie shrugged. “Eh. Dashie wanted something to do to help out.”

“You, uh, sure she can handle it?”

“Yep yep. She might not be a party pony like me, but the whole point of a bachelorette party is to go wild, and you know Rainbow can get pretty wild.”

“Guess I’ll have to talk to her about setting some boundaries. Don’t want things to get too crazy, right?”

“Hm, Rainbow’s not going to want to hear any of that, but if that’s what it’ll take to put this little innocent mind at ease.” Pinkie rubbed the top of Spike’s head, causing his head spikes to flatten. “So can I just leave everything here up? It’s not going to rain from now until the wedding, right? Because, wait.” Pinkie Pie started to frown and her head leaned to one side.

“What’s up?”

“Something feels, hm. Whoa!” Suddenly, Pinkie’s entire body was shaking, like if she had been caught in an earthquake localized completely beneath her feet. Her eyes became huge as her mane and tail continually puffed out and pulled in, shooting out bits of colored paper with each expansion and retreat. She rocketed into the air as her limbs sprawled out, and she slowly floated back down and landed on her stomach.

“Wow!” Pinkie jumped back up onto her hooves just as Spike approached her, ready to lend assistance. “Now that was doozy.”

“A doozy? Wait.” It was Spike’s eyes’s turn to grow. “You mean, as in your Pinkie Sense?”

“Yeppers. Hoo, it’s been a long while since I’ve had a big one like that.”

“Okay. Okay.” Spike fought to keep his breathing steady. “A doozy. Those tend to be pretty bad, right? Like Twilight suddenly combusting bad. Is Twilight catching fire?”

“Hm, dunno.” Pinkie shrugged. “That was more of wooh sort of doozy. This one felt more like waah or whaa.”

“Um, alright.” Spike grimaced as he hesitated, fearful of the possible answer to his next question. “Do you think it might have anything to do with the wedding?”

Again, much to Spike’s growing apprehension, Pinkie shrugged. “Eh, it’s hard to tell. I was feeling doozies left and right right around when Cheese and me were getting married, maybe my Pinkie Sense is just reacting to your wedding. I mean, two of my closest friends are getting together and having what might be the first marriage between a dragon and pony? I’d call that a pretty doozy worthy event. Oh!” Pinkie clapped her front hooves together excitedly. “I just remembered, I was having doozies a few days before I learned about Lil’ Cheese.” She gasped. “Spike, are you pregnant?”

“What? No! No, of course not.”

“Oh.” Pinkie’s mane lost volume as she visibly became dejected, but she immediately sprung back with her wild grin returning in full force. “Is Rarity pregnant?”

“I, don’t think she is.” A breeze blew by as Spike became quiet. With hands upon his hips, Spike tapped his foot nervously against the ground. “Um, I think I need to send a letter. Um, yeah.”

Spike started walking towards the castle, with Pinkie following closely behind. “Ooh, does that mean what I think it means? Does Twilight know? Do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl? What do you even call a half pony half dragon baby?”

Pinkie’s onslaught of questions faded as the two got closer to the castle and further away from the cliff side. A couple more moments passed before there was a annoyed sigh, and from the shadows of one of the trees stepped out a pony dressed in a thick, dark cloak. The hood pulled over their head and the solid bandana tied around their snout hid the pony’s visage while their questionable attire left any and all possibly distinguishing features obscured. Age, tribe, gender, nothing could be discerned from the pony’s outward appearance, only that they were equine in structure, were carrying something hefty on their back, and were possibly frustrated with something if the way they were pacing was any indication.

“Where are they?” the pony hissed to themselves as they gave the area another wide scan. Seeing no one else around, the pony clicked their tongue in an irritated manner before turning and making their way to the white archway at the cliff’s edge. They placed their package right underneath the painted wooden structure and removed its cloth covering, revealing it to be a large barrel with several blue and red wires coming out of it and an electric panel soldered to its side. Sitting on the very top of the barrel, with additional lines of wire connecting it to the rest of the device, was a simple kitchen timer.

From their cloak the pony removed a portable recorder and pressed down on one of the buttons which caused the cassette tape to spin. “Audio report from Special Agent Gummy Worm. Time is eleven oh two hours. No sign of Special Agent Creme Egg or Operator Fudgesicle. Proceeding with Operation Second Winter Thaw alone.”

The pony ended the recording and put the cassette recorder back into their cloak. Then, after rubbing their hooves together, they got to work, untangling the wires and inputting commands into the panel.

“Stop right there.”

The pony stiffened. Slowly, they turned around to face the mare behind them. She too wore dark clothes, a long overcoat with matching sunglasses, but the light yellow of their coat could be easily seen, and she made no effort to hide her curled mane of cobalt and pink. At the sight of the mare, the pony’s eyes grew wide with recognition that quickly became contempt that caused their eyes to shrink and narrow.

“Special Agent Sweetie Drops,” Agent Gummy Bear said lowly. “We missed you at the briefing. Figured you must have failed to receive the reinstatement orders.”

“Oh I got them alright,” Sweetie Drops declared. “I just decided to ignore them since they obviously didn’t go through the right channels.” She slowly removed her shades and tucked them into her coat. “The princess is in charge of the Agency, not the Director. He doesn’t get to call the shots.”

Gummy Bear snorted. “You’ve been retired for too long, Agent Sweetie Drops. The current princess isn’t even aware of the Agency’s existence. Now we can operate for the good of Equestria without having to deal with all that bureaucratic oversight getting in our way.”

“So you’ve all gone rogue.” The mare frown. “I thought as much, though I didn’t want to believe it.”

She took a step forward. The cloaked pony took a step back. “If you’re not here to help us, then what are you doing here?” Gummy Bear demanded.

“To stop you.” Sweetie Drops reached into her coat and tossed out a pair of smashed cassettes. “Your colleagues didn’t have much to say, but the fact that they spoke at all means the new generation’s too soft for this line of work. So tell me, why is the Agency trying to stop the wedding of the princess’s number one advisor?”

At first, the only answer Sweetie Drops got was silence, but after moment, Agent Gummy Bear shifted uncomfortably. “Of the Agency’s six hundred sixty four containment and pacification protocols, do you know how many would be applicable to a rogue draconequus?”

The question made Sweetie Drops blink. “Less than, one?” she hazarded.

“Actually less than zero. Somehow. We believe Priority Target D’s magic was involved in some way. In any case, in the event of a draconequus related incident, we are largely unable to respond. The only saving grace here is that there is only one draconequus in existence and it is currently not hostile toward Equestria.”

“Okay, but what does this have to do with Spike and Rarity getting married?” Sweetie Drops asked. Seeing the rogue agent take another step back toward the barrel, she took a step forward.

“Until a method can be developed that can be used readily to neutralize a hostile draconequus, the only thing we can do is prevent the creation of more of them,” the pony explained. “The union of a dragon with a pony is the most practical theory to date.”

“Wait. You think Spike marrying Rarity will result in a new draconequus? That’s crazy.”

“Draconequus. Dragon, equine. It’s in the very name. Maybe it is a bit of a stretch, but are you really going to risk having another reality warping chaos spirit running amok?” Agent Gummy Bear extended their hoof toward Sweetie Drops. “Come out of retirement and rejoin the Agency. Help us protect Equestria. Or if you can’t do that, then just walk away and let me finish my mission.”

Sweetie Drops spared the offered hoof a short glance before shoving it aside. “I was in love once, you know. Still very much am. And I’m not about to let you deprive creatures of the same happiness I’ve enjoyed over some crackpot theories.”

Agent Gummy Bear stared at their rejected hoof and sighed. The moment they finished vocalizing their disappointment, the pony turned and charged for the barrel. Sweetie Drops was faster, however, and she wrapped her forelegs around the escaping pony’s waist before tossing them back into the benches. Wood splintered and cracked as the pony smashed into the seats, but they quickly recovered and managed to roll out of the way as Sweetie Drops drove her hoof into the bench, right where Gummy Bear’s head had been seconds prior.

Gummy Bear, in an attempt to capitalize on Sweetie Drops’ plunder, tried to dash to their device while their opponent was still struggling to free their hoof, but a sweeping kick to their hind legs caused the agent to trip and fall prone. Switching tactics, Gummy Bear got up and charged instead at Sweetie Drops. From their cloak they produced a collapsible metal baton that immediately extended as they swung and went on the offensive. Bits of wood flew into the air as the baton slashed into the surrounding benches and tore out chucks as it was withdrawn for another swing.

Sweetie Drops scowled as she continued to dodge and duck. The baton was keeping her at a distance, and without a weapon of her own, Sweetie Drops’s own capacity for attack was limited. Thinking quickly, the mare grabbed some grass and wood fragments and flung them at the opposing agent’s exposed eyes. Gummy Bear’s foreleg rose instinctive to shield their face, which gave Sweetie Drops time to reach one of the poles sticking out of the ground and pulled it free. The connected neighboring poles toppled and fell over, and the velvet streamers were ripped apart as she gave the improvised quarterstaff a quick test swing before throwing herself back into the fray.

The longer weapon gave Sweetie Drops a much greater reach than her opponent as it was now Agent Gummy Bear’s turn to dance away and play avoidance, but Sweetie Drops soon discovered that its extra length made it far more difficult to maneuver in the current environment as each missed blow found a different, wooden target. While she was reevaluating her choice in weapons, her opponent had reached into their cloak once more and pulled out several small colored balls. The balls were thrown at Sweetie Drops who swung and batted them all away, sending them flying toward the other audience section.

Upon impact, the balls bursted and blanketed the benches with a sticky substance that immediately started to harden in the sun, their colors matching their respective containers. A couple of the poles on the other side were also struck, and the sudden addition of weight from the gunk caused them to fall, taking with them their nearest neighbors. More balls were thrown her way, and Sweetie Drops, seeing the potentially devastating effects if hit, knocked these back over to where the reception was planned, covering the tables and stalls with that same sticky, colored substance before she closed the distance between herself and Gummy Bear and brought her staff to the side of their neck.

It wasn’t the incapacitating blow Sweetie Drops wanted, but the strike caused her opponent to crumble to the ground and left them with barely enough strength to raise their head and glare as Sweetie Drops loomed over and pointed the end of her pole down at them. “Give it up,” she ordered. “It’s over.”

The pony made no move to escape, but the defiance in their eyes continued to burn fiercely. They stared right back, refusing to break eye contact until finally they blinked, and to her unease, Sweetie Drops thought she heard a snicker through the pony’s scarf.

“Not yet. Guess you didn’t quite take care of my colleagues like you thought.”

Something wrapped around Sweetie Drops, something long, yellow, and sticky, and as it tightened and forced her limbs to her sides, her improvised staff dropped to the ground.

“I got her,” spat the pony behind her, the hood of their cloak torn to reveal them as a blue stallion with a gray mohawk of a mane. A large, dark welt covered part of the stallion’s face, forcing one of his eyes shut. With a sharp tug on the lasso in his grasp, he pulled Sweetie Drops towards him and away from his fallen comrade. “Hurry up and finish the mission.”

The pony climbed back onto their feet and gave a short nod before hobbling towards the barrel beneath the archway. Sweetie Drops struggled against her sticky bindings, but another sharp tug caused her to stumble back. “You should’ve joined us when you had the chance,” the stallion growled as he stood over her and leaned into her face. “You’re going to pay for this.” He gestured to his swollen eye.

“How about I even it out?” Sweetie Drops rocked forward and slammed her forehead into the soft area right between her captor’s good eye and cheek. The stallion reeled back and screamed, giving Sweetie Drops room to chomped down on her restraints.

“You—“ The stallion, his vision now almost completely impaired, grabbed blindly for Sweetie Drops, but it was too late. The rope had been chewed through, and she was already on her hooves.

“Amateurs,” she scoffed mockingly as she dashed toward the edge of the cliff, where the first agent was busying themselves with their device. “That’s why you use salt water taffy!”

A shout from the stallion alerted Agent Gummy Bear of Sweetie Drops’s approach, giving them just enough time to throw up their forelegs and shield their face as Sweetie Drops leapt into the air and brought a roundhouse kick right to the side of the agent’s head. Her spin was more than just a stylish flourish as the aerial whirl added extra momentum to the blow which knock Gummy Bear back a good distance, leaving them momentarily concussed and the wired barrel defenseless. As they held their head and tried to keep it steady, the hood of their cloak slipped off, exposing their rose colored mane tied back in a wrapped braid.

Sweetie Drops took a step towards them, ready to finish the subjugation and bring them into custody, when her ears perked up at the steady stream of ticking that was coming from the barrel. The nob of the kitchen timer had been turned, she discovered, with only a minute left until the bell inside would ring out. The panel on the device’s side, meanwhile, was flashing an ominous shade of red.

“Now it’s over,” coughed Agent Gummy Bear as they tried to laugh.

Sweetie Drops spun towards the agent who was struggling to stand. “Tell me how to deactivate it, now!” she demanded.

“Short of alicorn magic, once it starts, it can’t be stopped. It’s too late now.” They pulled one last thing from their cloak, a packed white water balloon, and before Sweetie Drops could stop them, they threw the balloon on the ground.

The balloon exploded and released a cloud of fine baking flour into the air, forcing Sweetie Drops to cover her nose and mouth as her opponent disappeared from view. “You’ve got just enough time to get to a safe distance. Focus on getting out of here, before you get caught in the mess.”

The cloud of white powder soon dissipated, blown apart by a passing breeze, but by that time both Agent Gummy Bear and their ally were already gone. Sweetie Drops bit back a curse as she instead turned to the still ticking gadget they had left behind, the nob’s arrow getting dangerous close to its initial starting position. Even if she had any idea as to how to disable the device, it didn’t seem as though she had the time to do so. Gritting her teeth, Sweetie Drops did the only thing she could think of and pushed, but the heavy barrel barely budged.

Just one option left, then. The mare ran away, putting as much distance between herself and the barrel as she could before suddenly pivoting and charging right back at the device. The ticking seemed to slow along with the beating of her own heart as she slammed herself hard against the barrel, launching both it and herself right off the cliff’s edge.

Wind slashed against her cheeks as gravity grabbed hold of her and pulled her down towards the earth so far below, back to the world she and all without wings belonged. Her return would have been a most painful one, one that would have likely been followed by a long hospitalization and recovery process involving a full body cast and drinking through a straw, had the hook attached to the end of Sweetie Drops’s rope missed that overgrown tree root. The cord of braided licorice she had produced from her coat went taut, causing her to come to a sudden stop.

The licorice cut into her legs, and the forceful halt caused her entire body to jerk roughly. She was most certainly going to be sore and with an awkward gait the next morning, but it beat kissing the ground at near terminal velocity. She glanced down just in time to watch the barrel explode with a thunderous boom, the force of which caused her to swing about. A great billowing mass of sparkling purple and pink glitter rained down on the empty field below, and Sweetie Drops shuddered to imagine the mess that would have resulted had she failed to remove the bomb from the scene.

With a relieved sigh, Sweetie Drops swung herself to the cliff face and slowly climbed her way down. Eventually, she would make it back to her home in Ponyville, safe and sound and with the slightly smug self-satisfaction that came with personally averting a crisis. Eventually, she would return to the life of Bon Bon, mild mannered confectioner, come up with some excuse about where she was that entire day, and remain blissfully ignorant to the anguished expressions and the agonized cries of Spike the dragon as he returned to find his benches broken and out of line, his decorative poles scattered and on the ground, and large sections of his now ruined wedding setup covered in sticky globs of hardening gum.