Chapter 1
“Your first friendship lesson is going to be… reuniting with Sunburst!”
“Greeeaaat.”
Spike watched as Starlight started looking more worried about her first friendship lesson. ‘Hmm, I wish I could help Starlight with her first lesson,’ he thought, sighing.
Then a light bulb went off in his head and his face lit up, ‘Wait! Who says she has to be the only one doing a friendship lesson in the Crystal Empire? If I remember correctly, all the princesses will be there, including Princess Celestia and I do believe a reunion is long overdue. And her last couple of letters did say she is feels like she is ready.’
Spike smiled a big grin, happy to have thought of an amazing plan, but then he remembered, ‘Oh, right! There was that other thing she wrote in her letters. I better send out some notices, to prevent a panic.’
He ran off to a secluded part of the castle, picked up a book with a shimmering sun on the front, opened it up and started writing
“Is everypony ready to go?” Twilight asked, looking at her friends gathered around the cutie map. They all nodded at once.
“Absolutely, darling,” Rarity confirmed.
“Hey, Twilight,” said Spike, as he walked into the throne room.
“Spike! Where have you been? Are you ready to go to the Crystal Empire?” asked Twilight.
“Well, um, err,” Spike stammered, giving the doorway a quick, nervous look, before sighing and explaining, “Well, I noticed that Starlight was looking a little nervous about her first friendship lesson, so I might have invited somepony to come with us. So, Starlight won’t have to be the only pony doing a friendship lesson there.”
“Really? Okay. I wish you had told me before-hoof, but if you think it will help, then more the merrier,” Twilight said, smiling down at her assistant. “Bring them in.”
“Before I do, I better tell you that, though she is technically a pony, she has decided to come as a non-pony,” Spike nervously said, sweating a little
“A non-pony that is technically a pony? What are you talking about, Spike?” Rainbow Dash asked, looking at Twilight to see if she knew, but Twilight, seeing Rainbow’s look, just shrugged.
“It’s probably better if you see for yourself, all I can say is that thank Celestia, you told Starlight about the mirror portal,” Spike said, turning to the door way, “You can come in now.”
“Mirror portal?” Twilight asked with a confused look, followed by a sudden look of realization. “Wait! You mean…”
“Hey, Twilight,” said a female voice
All the ponies looked towards the door, to see what looked like an almost hairless ape, about as tall as Celestia, with a red and gold mane, yellow/orange skin and cyan coloured eyes. She was wearing blue pants, a light blue shirt with an attached see-through light-yellow shirt, a black leather jacket with orange chevrons on the sleeves, and boots to match the jacket. She had a bag on her back and what looked like a red crystal necklace around her neck
“Sunset Shimmer?” Twilight asked, not believing what she was seeing in front of her.
“Sunset Shimmer!” all the other ponies exclaimed, looking at the human girl up and down
“Heh, hi,” Sunset said sheepishly. “Sorry about the whole human thing. It's just that, I’ve been the other world for so long, I kinda prefer being human instead of pony. That, and I promised my friends I would find out what the size difference between ponies and humans is and get plenty of pictures. And, of course, to do a very important friendship lesson.”
Twilight shook her head to clear her thoughts and looked at Spike, who also looked sheepish, “So, this is what you meant by non-pony and mirror portal.”
“Yep,” Spike replayed, “And don’t worry about anypony panicking, I already sent out notices, basically explaining what Sunset just said, without mentioning the mirror.”
“Well, I suppose that is okay,” Twilight said, looking back up at Sunset. “I guess I should introduce you to everypony, though you sort of know most of them, or at least their human counterparts.” She introduced her friends and student to Sunset.
"Yay! New friend!" Pinkie Pie yelled, pulling out her party cannon and setting it off. "I should throw you a 'Welcome Back to Equestria' party!"
"Um, maybe later," Sunset said, pulling confetti out of her hair.
“So, this is what a ‘hooman’ looks like?” Applejack asked, looking up at Sunset.
“Yep, and it’s pronounced ‘human’,” Sunset replied.
“So, what friendship lesson are you doing at the Crystal Empire?” Starlight asked.
“I’m going to apologize to Princess Celestia,” Sunset said, looking down with guilt. “For being a horrible student.”
"I just remembered, don't you have school, Sunset?" Twilight asked.
"Nope, it's the weekend, and as much as I would love to hang out with the girls, they all had other commitments," Sunset said.
"What sort of commitments?" Fluttershy asked curiously.
"Well, let's see," Sunset said, counting off her fingers, "Pinkie is babysitting the Cake twins, Rainbow is going to watch a football match with the family, Fluttershy is working down at the animal shelter, Rarity is on a spa retreat with Sweetie Belle, AJ is, of course, working on the farm, and Sci-Twi is working on some big secret science project."
"Sci-Twi?" Pinkie asked, snickering.
"Sort for Science Twilight. It's the nickname we gave Twilight's human counterpart," Sunset replied.
“So, do you have everything you need, Sunset?" Twilight asked, looking at her human friend.
"Yep, I've got everything in this bag," Sunset replied, patting her bag, "I even packed some homework. Just because I'm in Equestria, doesn't mean I can get out of doing homework. I've also packed some games, some snacks, a coat and my pyjamas, just in case."
"OK then, then I propose we start heading to the station,” Twilight suggested, heading towards the door.
“Yeah! Let’s go! It's time for a party in the Crystal Empire!” Pinkie Pie yelled, bouncing up and down.
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Hmmm, first, how is Sunset still human (as the portal usually transalates the human/pony body type) ...
10904013
Thanks for pointing that out. I'll see about incorporating the answer in the next chapter, when I get to it.
Whoops, I knew I forgot something.
If sunset is an alicorn in this, go for the daydream shimmer, since she has wings. Or just go with normal pony up. I think what you meant by legend of everfree pony up is that she gets a costume. Can't you combine them both. Normal pony up when she don't want it, but she can also get the costume if she likes.
10904047
Being about to switch between costume and no costume at will. That's interesting idea. Thank you for the suggestion. As for Alicorn Sunset, I'm still thinking about it
10904061
You are welcome
10904061
Oh I gotta ask, does sunset only has mind reading powers?
Noticed this story on the front page. Seeing I had a bit of free time, I decided I might just as well dig in and give you some feedback. The idea behind the story is pretty nice and logical, and it sounds like something that could actually happen in the show. And while the chapter is fairly short, it seems like the characters are in-character. Maybe Twilight could have realised who the mysterious guest is sooner. I’m also wondering how are you going to justify Sunset being human. (Speaking of that, it’s rather odd that the characters didn’t know how a human looks or how to pronounce the word. I’m fairly certain that Twilight would bring some pictures from the EqG world to show them and tell them all about it.)
Now, I’ve noticed quite a lot of technical issues, so here’s a list of them along with some explanation and corrections. Also, note that I didn’t point out everything. I mostly focused on the recurring stuff:
This is what we call a timestamp. It’s something that you might see in films or comic books, but it’s a no-no in prose. The thing is, unlike comics and films, you have enough space to convey where and at what time is a scene taking place. In other words, you should describe the scene to get across the idea that a scene is happening some time after the previous one. (That’s also a default assumption, so you can simply cut the timestamp if it’s not happening at any particular time.) It also doesn’t make much sense to state the exact time. Is it really important to know that it was 2 and not 2.5 or 3 hours later?
I put asterisks (*) in the spots that are missing full stops (.). This is an issue that I’ve noticed in the majority of the chapter, so watch out for that. Remember that every sentence has to end with some punctuation mark! (On a side note, the punctuation in direct speech is correct here. Good job on that!)
While there are words that can be written as two words, single word or hyphenated two words, doorway and beforehoof (beforehand) are not among these.
*A full stop should replace this comma. You’d use a comma only if this was dialogue segmented by a speaking action (or any action, various manuals of style view this differently). Then it’d look like this: “You see,” she said, “you should write it like this.”
This is a part that’s really information heavy, and it also feels like reading a mere shopping list. If you want to describe a character, stick to stating two or three relevant things about them in a single spot. It should be the things you want to be most noticeable about the character, like piercing blue eyes or thin lips giving an evil impression. (Any additional information, such as hair colour, can be conveyed later, for example when a character speaks and a lock of their blond hair falls over their eye.) This kind of introduction is also extremely unnecessary in case of cannon characters. I’d also refrain from the hairless yetti bit, since it’s rather strange the ponies would know the concept of yetti, but not human.
If a direct speech line is followed by a dialogue tag that contains a speaking action (exclaimed), the dialogue tag starts with a lowercase letter—i.e. all. Of course, if the tag starts with a proper noun, it’s going to stay uppercase.
hi—no need for uppercase H; it’s in the middle of a sentence.
*There are two alternatives. Either you treat this as Sunset saying two separate lines and replace this comma with a full stop, or you treat it as one sentence broken by the dialogue tag. Then the comma stays, but sorry will be lowercase.
*redundant commas
suppose would be better. Furthermore, you need to use the infinitive form of a verb after should in this case, so introduce.
*full stops should replace these commas
Also, you’re missing a space between the paragraphs.
You also need an infinitive after going to, so apologize.
*full stop instead of this comma
Watch out for unnecessary repetition of words, like you did with said here. It makes it seem as if your vocabulary is rather limited. Better find some synonym that sounds fine in the context of the sentence or rephrase so that you don’t need to use the word again.
It’s Sweetie Belle.
I don’t think we need to see this list and be repeatedly told that she’s going to do her homework in Equestria. Also, it’s pyjamas.
Again, watch out for repetition.
And that’s all I wanted to mention. I hope I didn’t scare you with such a list, but I find some brutal honesty and criticism to be better than pointless sugarcoating. The former can help you grow as an author, and I’m sure you have some amazing stories to tell. They just need some extra polish.
I would certainly like to know how you justify Sunset being human in Equestria, as I've seen the opposite (pony in human world) done pretty well (see Oops! I'm Equine Again by MythrilMoth and Severed Ties by Carol Heart)
I would also argue against Daydream Shimmer since, unless she uses the magic of the mane 6 (minus Twilight), she would need the other Rainbooms for that.
10904260
I fixed most of it. Thank you for the feedback. And I don't mind a bit criticism. I am an amateur writer after all and it has been years since I did English in high school
10904407
The explanation as to how she is still human in Equestria shall be answered in the next chapter
10904554
Sounds good!
10904553
You’re welcome. I’m trying to help wherever I can, since many might downvote a story based on just small errors, and I think that’s a shame. That, and the sooner the author gets some feedback on their writing, the better. Also, if you want some extra learning materials, I can send you a short guide on direct speech.
Also, regarding the author’s note, I’d go for a normal pony-up or for Sunset actually turning into a pony. This is just a small thing, but remember that if you get to a point where you are unsure about something that ought to happen in the story, it’s better to discuss it in a blog or some group—or ideally nowhere. Many readers may see it as a red flag that your story is unfinished/unplanned.
10904949
I will remember the author's note advice in the future.
A guide for direct speech and any other learning material that you can recommend would be appreciated. Thanks
Daydream shimmer let she become Daydreaammm Well that or the Everfree pony up if you think about it the Everfree would be more appropriate since it had to do with a crystal