• Member Since 15th Jun, 2021
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Magic Kitsune Brony


What if Starlight wasn't the only pony to have a friendship lesson in the Crystal Empire? What if this pony didn't go as a pony? It's time for a long overdue reunion between teacher and student

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 41 )

Hmmm, first, how is Sunset still human (as the portal usually transalates the human/pony body type) ... :facehoof:

Whoops, I knew I forgot something.:facehoof: Thanks for pointing that out. I'll see about incorporating the answer in the next chapter, when I get to it.

If sunset is an alicorn in this, go for the daydream shimmer, since she has wings. Or just go with normal pony up. I think what you meant by legend of everfree pony up is that she gets a costume. Can't you combine them both. Normal pony up when she don't want it, but she can also get the costume if she likes.

Being about to switch between costume and no costume at will. That's interesting idea. Thank you for the suggestion. As for Alicorn Sunset, I'm still thinking about it

Oh I gotta ask, does sunset only has mind reading powers?

Noticed this story on the front page. Seeing I had a bit of free time, I decided I might just as well dig in and give you some feedback. The idea behind the story is pretty nice and logical, and it sounds like something that could actually happen in the show. And while the chapter is fairly short, it seems like the characters are in-character. Maybe Twilight could have realised who the mysterious guest is sooner. I’m also wondering how are you going to justify Sunset being human. (Speaking of that, it’s rather odd that the characters didn’t know how a human looks or how to pronounce the word. I’m fairly certain that Twilight would bring some pictures from the EqG world to show them and tell them all about it.)

Now, I’ve noticed quite a lot of technical issues, so here’s a list of them along with some explanation and corrections. Also, note that I didn’t point out everything. I mostly focused on the recurring stuff:

2 hours later

This is what we call a timestamp. It’s something that you might see in films or comic books, but it’s a no-no in prose. The thing is, unlike comics and films, you have enough space to convey where and at what time is a scene taking place. In other words, you should describe the scene to get across the idea that a scene is happening some time after the previous one. (That’s also a default assumption, so you can simply cut the timestamp if it’s not happening at any particular time.) It also doesn’t make much sense to state the exact time. Is it really important to know that it was 2 and not 2.5 or 3 hours later?

“Absolutely, darling,” Rarity confirmed*

“Hey, Twilight,” said Spike, as he walked into the throne room*

“Spike! Where have you been? Are you ready to go to the Crystal Empire?” asked Twilight*

I put asterisks (*) in the spots that are missing full stops (.). This is an issue that I’ve noticed in the majority of the chapter, so watch out for that. Remember that every sentence has to end with some punctuation mark! (On a side note, the punctuation in direct speech is correct here. Good job on that!)

Spike stammered, giving the door way a quick, nervous look

I wish you had told me before hoof

While there are words that can be written as two words, single word or hyphenated two words, doorway and beforehoof (beforehand) are not among these.

“Mirror portal?” Twilight asked with a confused look, followed by a sudden look of realization,* “Wait! You mean…”

*A full stop should replace this comma. You’d use a comma only if this was dialogue segmented by a speaking action (or any action, various manuals of style view this differently). Then it’d look like this: “You see,” she said, “you should write it like this.”

All the ponies looked towards the door, to see what looked like an almost hairless yeti, about as tall as Celestia, with a red and gold mane, yellow/orange skin and cyan coloured eyes. She was wearing blue pants, a light blue shirt with an attached see-through light-yellow shirt, a black leather jacket with orange chevrons on the sleeves, and boots to match the jacket. She had a bag on her back and what looked like a red crystal necklace around her neck

This is a part that’s really information heavy, and it also feels like reading a mere shopping list. If you want to describe a character, stick to stating two or three relevant things about them in a single spot. It should be the things you want to be most noticeable about the character, like piercing blue eyes or thin lips giving an evil impression. (Any additional information, such as hair colour, can be conveyed later, for example when a character speaks and a lock of their blond hair falls over their eye.) This kind of introduction is also extremely unnecessary in case of cannon characters. I’d also refrain from the hairless yetti bit, since it’s rather strange the ponies would know the concept of yetti, but not human.

“Sunset Shimmer!” All the other ponies exclaimed, looking at the human girl up and down

If a direct speech line is followed by a dialogue tag that contains a speaking action (exclaimed), the dialogue tag starts with a lowercase letter—i.e. all. Of course, if the tag starts with a proper noun, it’s going to stay uppercase.

“Heh, Hi,” Sunset said sheepishly,* “Sorry about the whole human thing.

hi—no need for uppercase H; it’s in the middle of a sentence.
*There are two alternatives. Either you treat this as Sunset saying two separate lines and replace this comma with a full stop, or you treat it as one sentence broken by the dialogue tag. Then the comma stays, but sorry will be lowercase.

Twilight shook her head,* to clear her thoughts,* and looked at Spike

*redundant commas

“Well, I supposed that is okay,” Twilight said, looking back up at Sunset,* “I guess I should introduced you to everypony, though you sort of know most of them, or at least their human counterparts.” She introduced her friends and student to Sunset
"Yay! New friend!" Pinkie Pie yelled, pulling out her party cannon and setting it off,* "I should throw you a 'Welcome Back to Equestria' party!"

suppose would be better. Furthermore, you need to use the infinitive form of a verb after should in this case, so introduce.
*full stops should replace these commas
Also, you’re missing a space between the paragraphs.

“I’m going to apologized to Princess Celestia,” Sunset said, looking down with guilt,* “For being a horrible student.”

You also need an infinitive after going to, so apologize.
*full stop instead of this comma

"Nope, it's the weekend, and as much as I would love to hang out with the girls, they all had other commitments," Sunset said

"What sort of commitments?" Fluttershy said curiously

Watch out for unnecessary repetition of words, like you did with said here. It makes it seem as if your vocabulary is rather limited. Better find some synonym that sounds fine in the context of the sentence or rephrase so that you don’t need to use the word again.

Rarity is on a spa retreat with Sweetie Bell

It’s Sweetie Belle.

"Yep, I've got everything in this bag," Sunset replied, patting her bag, "I even packed some homework. Just because I'm in Equestria, doesn't mean I can get out of doing homework. I've also packed some games, some snacks, a coat and my pyjama's, just in case."

I don’t think we need to see this list and be repeatedly told that she’s going to do her homework in Equestria. Also, it’s pyjamas.

"OK then, then I suggest we start heading to the station,” Twilight suggested, heading towards the door.

Again, watch out for repetition.

And that’s all I wanted to mention. I hope I didn’t scare you with such a list, but I find some brutal honesty and criticism to be better than pointless sugarcoating. The former can help you grow as an author, and I’m sure you have some amazing stories to tell. They just need some extra polish. :raritywink:

I would certainly like to know how you justify Sunset being human in Equestria, as I've seen the opposite (pony in human world) done pretty well (see Oops! I'm Equine Again by MythrilMoth and Severed Ties by Carol Heart)

I would also argue against Daydream Shimmer since, unless she uses the magic of the mane 6 (minus Twilight), she would need the other Rainbooms for that.

I fixed most of it. Thank you for the feedback. And I don't mind a bit criticism. I am an amateur writer after all and it has been years since I did English in high school

The explanation as to how she is still human in Equestria shall be answered in the next chapter

You’re welcome. I’m trying to help wherever I can, since many might downvote a story based on just small errors, and I think that’s a shame. That, and the sooner the author gets some feedback on their writing, the better. Also, if you want some extra learning materials, I can send you a short guide on direct speech.

Also, regarding the author’s note, I’d go for a normal pony-up or for Sunset actually turning into a pony. This is just a small thing, but remember that if you get to a point where you are unsure about something that ought to happen in the story, it’s better to discuss it in a blog or some group—or ideally nowhere. Many readers may see it as a red flag that your story is unfinished/unplanned.

I will remember the author's note advice in the future.
A guide for direct speech and any other learning material that you can recommend would be appreciated. Thanks

Hey you are back. I was waiting for you. Great chapter.

Thank you. Yes I'm back. My current writing plan is one chapter for this story and two for my other story a month. That might change depending on how busy I get

“I’m still human thanks to Spike having a book with a long-term transformation spell already for me when I came through,” Sunset answered, giving the dragon a grateful smile

Oh, ok. So the portal didn't malfunction, it still spit her out as a pony. I would imagine she brought an extra set of clothes, especially if she's staying overnight, as a transformation spell wouldn't include clothes like the portal's magic would on the other side.

Sunset looked up from the text she was reading on her phone. She leaned over to her bag and pulled out a green and orange snail plushie. “Yea, I stopped by the local toy shop on the way to the portal. I just picked the first thing I saw. I hope the baby likes it.”

Must be a text she received in the human world because I doubt that have cell phone reception in Equestria :trollestia:.

Did I comment on how excellent your work is already? What the hey, Imma do it again anyway: excellent work, mellonin.

“Greeeaaat,” Sunset commented to herself. “I’m now regretting not packing my snow gear.”

I'm sure Rarity can whip you up some:twilightsheepish:

Not sure how I feel about Sunset (and the others) having their geodes and powers quite yet. Seems kinda early in the FiM timeline (not that there's much indication of when anything Friendship Games happens other than everything prior to and including Forgotten Friendship happens before the FiM movie). But I will admit it's a convenient way to have Sunset pony-up at will
And plus, you're the author so...

Daydream shimmer let she become Daydreaammm Well that or the Everfree pony up if you think about it the Everfree would be more appropriate since it had to do with a crystal

Ummm couldn't Sunset just have used her geode powers to see Twilights memories of the spell and then could rewrite it?

So you did went with the Everfree one well seems logical to me since they had something to do with crystals 👍

Okay I wasn't expecting that.

Curious to know who Sunset's (adopted) parents are.
I'm thinking her mom, at least, might be principal Celestia.
Or they could be her birth parents' human counterparts, assuming she took her counterpart's place prior to her reformation.

Ahhh cliff-hangerrrrrrr 😣 I wonder who her parents are adopted or otherwise 🤔


All shall be revealed soon. Hopefully by New Year's Eve, I've already typed up roughly a quarter of the next chapter

Great chapter. Though wished if the chapters are longer.

Thank you. And yea, I would have liked to have made these chapters longer, but while I'm trying not to rush, I'm also trying to finish this story so I can focus on the Phoenix Magic series

I see. Rushing is never a good thing so I guess it's okay you are taking your time. I my self am trying to finish the next chapter since it's been so long but I don't want to rush it.

While I kinda called it, I still love it.
Though, I'm surprised Princess Celestia didn't comment on the fact that it was her counterpart that adopted Sunset, or the others would inquire on if Princess Celestia had a thing for Discord (Dislestia is a somewhat common ship other than Fluttercord).

I'm surprise no one comment that Celestia and Discord where together albeit in the human world🤣

Great story. Loved every word of it.

Very good story, I enjoyed every part of it from start to finish. :pinkiehappy::heart:

You're very welcome. :twilightsmile:

Uncle Iroh would be proud.

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