First off, I would like to say that I love this story. It's been a long time since I've seen a story like this, and I would like this story to do well. So, what I am about to say is not coming from a place of malice, but out of respect and encouragement.
Even though only two chapters are out, I have noticed a pattern in your writing. Specifically on how you introduce characters. You see, I noticed this in chapter one, that you tend to introduce characters assuming that we already know who they are. This is even more prevalent in Chapter 2, when introduced Luna's name before describing her to the reader. Also, having David just randomly guess Luna's name is, to be 100% honest, is kind of cheep. That's like having a person with 0 knowledge in astronomy be able to name a constellation without even knowing what it is. The reason why this is a problem is because it mainly takes us out of the story. When you already know who a character is, it does not make you feel like a protagonist, but it makes you feel like a God instead.
Another thing that I noticed is that, in chapter two, you had David introduce himself as both Sonic and David at two different points in the chapter. I would like to bring this up because we need to know if David and Sonic are the same person, or if they are only similar in power.
Now, I think that what you could do to fix this is (a). Introduce are characters without us knowing who they are automatically. This helps the story flow more naturally and it makes it seem more reasonable. If you do this, we go from a all knowing God who knows every single character, to being in David's shoes as he meets new people and ponies. (B.) Make it clearer if David is Sonic or if he just has his powers. This helps us establish who he is as a character. You gave us subtle hints that he has Sonic's personality, but you have to define how different he is so we can have potential character development. (C.) Establish where exactly we are. An environment is important in storytelling because it helps us imagine where we are. Are we on Earth? Equestrian? Or are we in a combination of the two?
Now, I will admit that I am no where near the level of a professional writer. In fact, I am just as new to this as you are. I am bound to make errors just as much as the next person. However, that's ok. You don't need to be perfect at everything. We all make mistakes, but being a good person means that you learn from those mistakes and avoid making them again.
Once again, I do like this story. I am really excited about where it goes. However, we cannot ignore flaws in stories and I think that it is important that we call them out .
I wish you luck on your story, and I will be monitoring it closely.
First off, I would like to say that I love this story. It's been a long time since I've seen a story like this, and I would like this story to do well. So, what I am about to say is not coming from a place of malice, but out of respect and encouragement.
Even though only two chapters are out, I have noticed a pattern in your writing. Specifically on how you introduce characters. You see, I noticed this in chapter one, that you tend to introduce characters assuming that we already know who they are. This is even more prevalent in Chapter 2, when introduced Luna's name before describing her to the reader. Also, having David just randomly guess Luna's name is, to be 100% honest, is kind of cheep. That's like having a person with 0 knowledge in astronomy be able to name a constellation without even knowing what it is. The reason why this is a problem is because it mainly takes us out of the story. When you already know who a character is, it does not make you feel like a protagonist, but it makes you feel like a God instead.
Another thing that I noticed is that, in chapter two, you had David introduce himself as both Sonic and David at two different points in the chapter. I would like to bring this up because we need to know if David and Sonic are the same person, or if they are only similar in power.
Now, I think that what you could do to fix this is (a). Introduce are characters without us knowing who they are automatically. This helps the story flow more naturally and it makes it seem more reasonable. If you do this, we go from a all knowing God who knows every single character, to being in David's shoes as he meets new people and ponies. (B.) Make it clearer if David is Sonic or if he just has his powers. This helps us establish who he is as a character. You gave us subtle hints that he has Sonic's personality, but you have to define how different he is so we can have potential character development. (C.) Establish where exactly we are. An environment is important in storytelling because it helps us imagine where we are. Are we on Earth? Equestrian? Or are we in a combination of the two?
Now, I will admit that I am no where near the level of a professional writer. In fact, I am just as new to this as you are. I am bound to make errors just as much as the next person. However, that's ok. You don't need to be perfect at everything. We all make mistakes, but being a good person means that you learn from those mistakes and avoid making them again.
Once again, I do like this story. I am really excited about where it goes. However, we cannot ignore flaws in stories and I think that it is important that we call them out .
I wish you luck on your story, and I will be monitoring it closely.
Curious on what happens next there.
Whats in store for Spike if he appears?
10777816![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
I agree with this guy. Still I love this story and hope you keep going for awhile, don't be afraid of critisism.
Oh wew, dis is shure a great zelder fic. I sure love zelda teh fast hedgehog lol
What do you mean?
I also think that Link was running a bit to slow.