A crown-prince of a long forgotten race finds himself in the modern day Equestria where during his travels he discovers the whispering of the return of a great enemy that could threaten all life once again.
“NO MATTER THE COST WE CAN’T TAKE A SINGLE STEP BACK IF WE FAIL HERE IT WILL BE THE END OF EVERYTHING ALL FORCES OPEN FIRE!!!!!!”
Tough guy. He's so determined to stop the enemy's forces from entering the heart of their country.
The description of the enemy's forces are grotesque. I'm already suspecting whatever the enemy of the Bicorns are must be very grotesque.
I like it you made this prologue. You showed the last interactions of Tenebrae's long dead comrades and how loyal they are to the royalty as well as the remains of a once great army.
“My lord Tenebrae all battle preparations are complete and according to the astrologist the fog and snow should be clearing soon.” Tenebrae turned to the source of the voice that had broken the quiet that vexed him but a moment ago.
commas missing between "complete, and according" and "astrologist, the fog"
revised version(for reference) - "All battle preparations are complete my lord, and according to the astrologists, the fog and snow should be clearing soon."
I don’t know how new to this you are, but when writing a story, commas are needed. I am not trying to sound like an asshole, in fact, this story can be really good if you just put in the commas. It has a good beginning, a sort of tension and ‘last man standing’ kind of vibe, not to mention putting the Bicorns at the center stage! Get commas into your story, I am sure people would enjoy this even more my friend.
Tough guy. He's so determined to stop the enemy's forces from entering the heart of their country.
The description of the enemy's forces are grotesque. I'm already suspecting whatever the enemy of the Bicorns are must be very grotesque.
I like it you made this prologue. You showed the last interactions of Tenebrae's long dead comrades and how loyal they are to the royalty as well as the remains of a once great army.
commas missing between "complete, and according" and "astrologist, the fog"
revised version(for reference) - "All battle preparations are complete my lord, and according to the astrologists, the fog and snow should be clearing soon."
So many comma errors.
This is the first story on this site that I found that puts the Bicorns on center stage. You have my undivided attention.
I don’t know how new to this you are, but when writing a story, commas are needed. I am not trying to sound like an asshole, in fact, this story can be really good if you just put in the commas. It has a good beginning, a sort of tension and ‘last man standing’ kind of vibe, not to mention putting the Bicorns at the center stage! Get commas into your story, I am sure people would enjoy this even more my friend.