Love's Labours Lost in Space
It was another day at Planet Express and Leela was a bit sad. Everyone but the professor was at the meeting room; the professor was busy doing experiments with Pazoozoo. Last night, Leela was on a date with some guy named Doug, but was put off by something.
"What was wrong with your date last night? Amy asked
"I don't know." Leela replied "Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue." Both Leela and Derpy shuddered at it.
"You're too picky."
"Yeah," Fry added "If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely".
"There's nothing wrong with having high standards."
"Amen." Derpy added
"Now can we please stop-"
"The female Leela's problem is purely medical." Zoidberg interrupted "Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well." As they sat around the table, Derpy gave a strange look at her mom, looking around her.
"Please, don't listen to that idiot."
"You just have to give guys a chance." Amy said "Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realize he actually has a really good body."
"Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is."
"That sounds like a cry for help." Bender commented. Unbeknownst to Bender, as he walked away, Derpy pulled out the 500 bucks from his wallet.
"Let's all take her out tonight." Amy suggested "There's lots of great places to meet people."
"The Federal Sex Bureau." Hermes offered
"A saucy puppet show!" Bender added
"The rotting carcass of a whale?" Zoidberg begged.
"Ew!" Derpy replied "How about a dance club?"
"...That actually sounds great, Derpy!" Amy replied
After some time of preparing, they arrived at a place called 'The Hip Joint'. Amy was able to lend Derpy a dress with rings all over it, making look almost as if she were continuously using the rings as a hula hoop. The cance club had hovering platforms and strobe lighting, along with nearly everyone inside were wearing rings.
"Oh, wow! It's totally retro!" Amy exclaimed as they entered, holding Derpy in her dress
"Why's everyone wearing those rings, though?" Derpy asked
"Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid!"
"I think they look cool."
"Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!"
"Hey!" A man yelled "did that- d'aww!!! Look how adorable she is!"
"... I guess you're an exception."
Leela, Amy, Derpy, and Bender sat at a table with drinks for them. While everyone had some sort of alcohol, Derpy had herself cherry soda.
"So what do you think of that guy by the bar?" Amy pointed at a man at bar"
"I don't know. Maybe?" Leela replied
"Forget it, he's gay." Bender spoke
"How can you tell?" Derpy asked
"I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar."
"There's no such thing." Leela commented
"No?" Bender pulled out a machine with a small antenna on it from his chest cabinet. The antenna swivels around. "OK, I got a lock on him." The machine beeped "Yep! He's gay!"
"Are you sure?" Derpy asked
"Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon." Derpy sat as Amy went to find someone that could interest Leela. She watched as Fry talked to another woman and Zoidberg was looking at a lobster. She lookefd around, bored, but her ears perked as she spotted something that went into the bathroom.
"Uh, excuse me, I have to... use the restroom."
"Be sure to avoid the gay ladies!" Derpy walked inside the bathroom, but froze as she saw what had entered the bathroom: inside was another quadruped like her with a light brown coat and an even darker brown mane & tail. She couldn't see his face, as he stood much taller than her, though he wasn't as tall as her family. Inside the bathroom, there was blue box with the words 'Police/public call/Box'.
"Look," the stranger spoke on a phone. "she's only young, a filly mind you, so the world is new to her. ... Yes, she's busy with her family at the nightclub I'm in right now. ... Do you doubt my abilities? I know she's going to meet you tomorrow! ... Well it's because I'm a bloody-"
"Hello?" He froze for a few moments.
"Let me call you back." He put his phone away and slowly turned around. Though it was only a few seconds, Derpy got a good look at him: he was a subspecies of her with an almost Mohawk looking mane, blue eyes, a muzzle in the shape of a dog, and he wore a green tie with a white collar, despite not wearing any clothing. He jumped back.
"OH NO!!!" He yelled, running into the blue box. "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!"
"WAIT!!!" Derpy yelled. The door closed behind him, shutting him out. Derpy got up to her hind legs and started to hit on the door. "Who are you!? And why do you feel so familiar!?" The machine let out a noise as the machine began to appear, then reappear, until it was gone. Derpy stood there with a wide open mouth. "Who... who was that pony?... and why did I call him a pony?"
In the morning, everyone sat around the table again. Derpy thought hard on that stallion last night: was he her father? Is he some sort of Guardian Angel? And who would she meet today? And why the tie?
"So, Leela," Bender spoke "you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time."
"Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?" Leela asked "And why are you so silent, Derpy? It's unnatural."
"...Last night, I-" Derpy spoke
"Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later." The Professor interrupted "But right now we have business to attend to.
"A delivery?" Fry asked
"No. A tax-deductible mission of charity." He flipped a switch, the lights dim and a translucent holographic image of a planet is projected over the table.
"This is Vergon 6." The computer spoke.
"This is Vergon 6."
"Buh!" Amy replied sarcastically.
"It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals."
"Animals!?" Leela asked in full attention
"That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds."
"Wait! What about the animals?"
"Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow."
"Yes, but what about the animals?"
"The wha?"
"The animals."
"I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.
"So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark."
"Why two?" Bender and Derpy asked.
"Uh... Derpy, you'll understand later, but as for you, Bender." She leaned in an whispered something to Bender. let out an 'oh!', followed by laughing immaturely. "And Derpy... just avoid Maroon 5."
Fry, Bender, Derpy and Leela all sat in the cockpit as they flew to Vergon 6.
"I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." Fry said
"That'll take forever." Bender replied "What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out."
"Yeah, that'd be a timesaver."
"Do you mind?" Leela asked
"Here you go." Derpy said, pulling out a fork "You can use this as an eye-poker!"
"Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... and maybe a snapper dresser."
"That'll take even longer." Bender commented.
"... LOOK!!!" Derpy pointed. Outside, a giant spaceship flew over them.
"That's Zapp Brannigan's ship!" Leela said
"Wow! The Zapp Brannigan?" Fry asked
"Uh-huh!"
"...Who's Zapp Brannigan?" Derpy asked
"Only one of the most famous star captains of the Democratic order of Planets; Doop for short)" Derpy and the men snickered. "What's so funny?"
"It rhymes with poop." Fry answered, followed by them all laughing. The laughing lasted for a few moments, but stopped as Leela gave everyone a death glare.
"Thank you for that input. But Doop didn't know what to call thselves, and this was the best they could come up with. Anyways, they say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging Killbots.
"Wow!" Derpy replied
"A grim day for robot-kind." Bender commented "Ah, but we can always build more Killbots!"
"He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets." Leela spoke, almost dreamily
"Leela's got a boyfriend!" Fry teased
"No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals."
"Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you." Bender replied as Derpy handed Leela the fork.
They easily entered Zapp's ship (called the Nimbus) and entered the large control room. They saw only a small Amphibiosan in a red suit with white gloves & boots.
"Is that Zapp Branigan?" Derpy asked
"I'm not sure," Leela replied "Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance.
"Well, if there's anything-" the Amphibiosan replied, only to be interrupted by a handsome human male with blonde hair and, though muscular, had a bit of a gut.
"I'm in command here." He spoke "Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you?"
"Oh, not at all." Leela replied almost dreamily "I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you!"
"You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly -- a potent combination." Leela blushed as she accepted Zapp's extended hand
"You don't mean that!"
"But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier." Zapp leaned in to kiss Leela's hand
"I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system." Fry interupted
"The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them."
"Wow! I never would have thought of that!"
"You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown."
"...That's stupid." Derpy commented.
"Arrest that horse, Kif!" The Amphibiosan groaned and picked Derpy up. Derpy struggled and jumped into Leela's arms.
"Derpy!" Leela yelled "Show some respect to the captain!"
"She's right!" Zapp added "And Kif, show them the medal I won." Kif sighed and points to the medal on Zapp's uniform.
I the Nimbus's Mess Hall, Leela, Zapp, Fry, Derpy, and Bender sat at a table, looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif groaned to himself as he grates cheese over Zapp's food.
"Captain Brannigan," Leela spoke "we really need to talk to you about our mission.
"Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal." Zapp replied "Right, men?"
"... You suck!" A lone voice yelled in the crowd.
"I like that man now." Derpy commented
"We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction." Leela continued "And if you could just-" Zapp spat out his drink
"Vergon 6!?!?!?" He yelled "This light dinner is over!" He got up to leave
"Wait! What's wrong?"
"The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as 'Brannigan's Law'." Derpy and Kif moaned to themselves.
"But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow."
"Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew."
"This doesn't make any sense."
"I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it."
"Fine! We'll save the animals without your help."
"I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!" A couple of guards came up and grabbed Leela, Fry and Bender. A lone guard grabbed Derpy by the loose skin on the back of her neck
"What just happened?" Fry asked
"He's throwing us in prison." Bender answered
"Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?" Zapp nodded at Fry's request.
They were now in the brig, sitting and waiting. Leela touched the force field around the doorway and got electrocuted.
"Ow!" Leela exclaimed "I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison."
"You really are too picky." Bender commented.
"I told you he was stupid." Derpy added.
"...what do we do now?" Fry asked.
"We need to escape!" Leela spoke "But how?"
Some time passed, but Kif came along.
"Captain Leela?" He asked, sounding annoyed.
"Yes?"
"Come with me."
"Can I take someone with me?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
"Not even this little pegasus?" Leela picked up Derpy, who used her eyes as the weapons she used them for. Kif stared for a few moments, then frowned.
"Fine! Just her, but the others need to stay." Leela and Derpy walked out of their cell, following Kif around the Nimbus's corridors
"So why does he want to see me?"
"The jackass wants to see you in his quarters."
"Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain."
"And he wants you to wear this." Kif held up a skimpy outfit. Leela covered Derpy's eyes. "And, to help make sure your daughter isn't blind, I'll take care of her."
"Please!" Derpy pleaded "Anything to avoid the stupid man!" Kif picked up Derpy as they walked away, Leela entering Zapp's room.
"I think you mean the idiotic jackass."
"The idiotic jackass who can bite my furry little ass!" They stared at each other seriously for a few moments, then laughed.
"I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks that way! I can only imagine what you'd be like being his second in command for years!"
"You're that idiot's second in command!? How'd you survive a day with him!?"
"I have no idea. I'm Kif, Kif Kroker."
"Derpy hooves." They entered Kif's room; it was really small with only a window showing space. "This is your room?"
"Yes, I know, it's super small and right below Zapp's room."
"...At least you have a good view of space."
"...I guess you're right." Kif quickly switched into his pajamas "I just hope the captain doesn't need me again."
"Why would he need you again?"
"For his moronic... and unpleasant requests."
"Why are you even working for this jackass? Shouldn't you be with some sort of other captain that ACTUALLY knows what they're doing?"
"I wish, but orders are orders. I do say, I've never seen a creature like you around. What are you?"
"...I'm not quite sure myself." She yawned to herself "But I'm... really tired."
"Same thing here. Come on, I think some sleep will help." Both went onto the bed together; while it's not as soft as Leela or Fry's bed, nor had the comfrot of Bender's gears, it was still nice to be with someone, especially if they shared the same feeling for a dumbass in control.
"EROTIC!" Zapp's voice repeated from above "EROTIC! EROTIC!" Kif angrily held the broom in his room and banged the bottom to the roof. Derpy woke up with red eyes.
"SHUT THE BUCK UP!!!" She fell back to the bed and slept like an angel, not even acknowledging what she yelled. Kif froze in fear, cowering in a corner.
"...Maybe Zapp isn't so bad." He whimpered to himself. Then he heard soft moaning above. "Oh jeez!"
A faint scream from Leela woke both Kif and Derpy up. Instead of screaming, Derpy got up and stretched herself as any animal would.
"What happened?" she asked.
"...We fell asleep." Kif replied, putting on his uniform.
"Oh... that sounds nice." Kif carried Derpy back to Zapp's room, where Leela stormed right out. She took Derpy out of Kif's hands, not even saying 'thank you'.
"Kif!" Zapp yelled. Kif's happiness went away immediately as he entered Zapp's room, then came out a few moments later.
"If you follow me, your men will be back." They walked back to the brig, Kif pressing a button, letting the shields go away as yellow steam came out. "The fatso says you're free to go." Derpy giggled at the remark.
"Really?" Fry asked "Why?"
"'Why' indeed." Kif walked away, back to duty.
"Bye Kif!" Derpy spoke, waving her right forearm.
"What does that mean?" Fry asked
"Nothing." Leela replied
"So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?" Bender asked"
"We just talked, OK?!"
Their ship landed on Vergon 6, the ground crumbling as they landed. Right around them, there were large nets and various instruments.
"Alright," Leela spoke "we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately... two hours ago!"
"I'm on it!" Derpy spoke, taking a baton.
"What the hell are you doing?" Bender asked
"You'll see."
As all the adults did their best to capture the animals physically, Derpy tried to do something differently. After getting some small animals, Fry, Bander, and Leela froze and stared as Derpy lead a parade of different animals, all playing instruments & following her into the ship's cargo bay.
"Holy crap!" Fry commented.
"Well... at least we now have plenty of time to escape." Leela commented, pulling out her board and checking off some stuff. "But be sure to find more."
"Got it!" Bender replied. Derpy came back to Leela, but stopped as a small animal came out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of it's face and three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head.
"Hello, there." The animal sniffed around Leela's feet. "Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist.
"So, you're saying we can cook him?"
"Yeah, a barbecue!" Fry added "I'll wear my hilarious apron!"
"No!" Leela replied "I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him." She leaned down and picked up the animal "Aww! I'll call him Nibbler." Derpy stared in silence at what happened, then growled, seeing her target and nemesis! Leela walked with nibbler, setting him down in the cargo bay with the other animals. "I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals."
Yes, Derpy thought Mother Nature, please, make sure that thing becomes a snack!
After some time, they caught the last animal.
"I found a pair of hermaphlamingos." Bender announced
"Good." Leela replied "That's the last species." Fry opened the cargo bay door, only to see Nibbler sitting in the room, no animals around.
"Hey! What the-!?" Bender placed the Hermaphlamingos on the floor.
"Where'd they all go!?" Fry asked
"And why is he still here!?" Derpy yelled in anger. Nibbler sniffed, then began to eat the Hermaphlamingos! Everyone watched and cringed at the sight, Derpy screaming in fear and running away. She ran into the cockpit, still screaming, and pressed on all the button in hopes of escaping the creature that ate every living thing in the cargo bay. The place shook, but not from Derpy, but Vergon 6. Everyone came back inside, Leela still holding Nibbler. Derpy screamed again, opening Bender's chest and hiding in there. She cowered near Bender's gears, holding onto one of his beer bottles for comfort but still shivering.
"Prepare for lift-off!" Leela's muffled voice ordered. Silence "We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left."
"Yeah, I'll do it when we get back." Bender replied. The place shook again
"Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby." Fry spoke
"No way!" Leela replied "Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him!"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Nothing. We just talked."
"So what's your problem?" Bender asked "It's not like you slept with him." Silence fell. Derpy peeked her head out.
"Mom?" she asked. "You... Did you-?"
"Oh, my God!"
"How could you, Leela!?" Fry asked "I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla!"
"That's enough!" Leela yelled "Don't you think I feel bad enough already?"
"No!" Derpy yelled in anger. The ground shook violently.
"Alright, alright. I'll call him!" She pressed a button and the videophone comes down. "I mean, if living is that important to you." The video showed Zapp, turning around in his chair "Hello, Zapp?"
"Well, well, well!" he replied, sounding like a terrible James Bond.
"Zapp, we're out of fuel... and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help."
"So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious."
"Bird's don't crawl."
"They've been known to."
"Look, are you going to rescue us or not?"
"Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully?" Leela looked at the crew. Fry and Bender make encouragig gestures at Leela, though Derpy shook her head and went back into Bender's chest. Leela took a deep breath and asked 'sexfully'
"Please? Big Z?"
"Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing." He pointed at Nibbler "And that hosre thing you have. That's the law, Leela, and Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: Hard and fast! Now put those greasy rats outside and we'll tow you to safety."
"I would never abandon a helpless animal and my daughter, especially! Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realized that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!"
"And which one rocked your world?"
"You're a dumbass!!!" Derpy yelled. Leela growled and slamed down the receiver, Zapp's face fizzles off the screen.
"Wow!" Fry exclaimed "Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?"
"Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death." Leela replied
"Can do!" Bender replied, putting his feet up and reclines in his chair. A huge bang was heard and the ship jerks backwards. "What the hell was that?" Everyone turned to see Nibbler over a small, black orb
"Pew!" Fry commented, fanning the air in front of his nose.
"I don't believe it!" Leela replied "It's dark matter!"
"So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?" Bender asked. Derpy screamed again.
"OH MY GOD!!!" she yelled "I LICKED THOSE THINGS!!!" She screamed again and ran away. She ran into Leela's captain's chambers and jumped into the bed, covering herself with a pillow. The ship rocked and flew away before the planet could explode. Cheering was heard, but Derpy hid herself. After a time, Leela came inside.
"Derpy? She asked "Derpy!? I have a muffin for you!" Derpy whimpered to herself. Leela walked over and lifted the pillow, seeing Derpy in the corner, cowering and shivering. "Aw, what's wrong?"
"... What you did. You slept with that fat man... and you took Nibbler fast. You love nibbler more than me!" She teared up, hiding herself. Leela held Derpy up and placed her on her lap.
"Aw, I'm sorry, Derpy. Yes, I slept with the dumbass Zapp, and yes I took Nibbler in, but there's a good reason for those."
"...Like what?" Derpy sniffed
"Well, Zapp tricked me out of pity... and for Nibbler, well he's a pet."
"...A pet?"
"He's not as smart as you and while yes, he does drop Dark Matter, there's nothing that can make me feel more accomplished than by being with you."
"...Really?" Derpy smiled, still tearing up.
"Really. Plus, Nibbler hasn't eaten us, and I'm not sure why." Derpy giggled to himself.
"Maybe he's the person I'm suppose to meet."
"Meet?"
"I'll explain." Derpy gave Leela a hug "I love you so much, Mom." Leela returned the hug.
"And I love you too, Derpy." They both released each other. "So what was it that you wanted to tell me before this mission?"
"...Oh yeah! I think I discovered my species at the club."
"Really!? How!?" Derpy began to explain what happened at the nightclub and was unsure about the strange stallion. Leela decided that, for better or for worse, she would teach Derpy Kung-Fu, in case the stallion and any other strange person came along to her if her family isn't around. As for Derpy, she'll keep an eye out for that stallion... and not be as scared of Nibbler, as he seems to not be interested in eating anyone.
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