A Fishfull of Dollars.
In Fry's Bedroom, Fry woke up by squeaking bed springs from the apartment next door.
"I can't take it anymore!" He growled to himself "They've been at it for hours!" He began to bang his fist on the wall "Give it a rest, you two!" A loud banging was heard, and he squeaking stopped, though footsteps were heard. Said footsteps were heard outside, then entered the apartment, and in Fry's bedroom, Derpy came in with blood shot red eyes, but had a smile on her face. She walked & jumped onto the bed, yawned, and flopped onto the bed, easily falling asleep.
"Nice... and quiet." She murmured to herself. Soon, she began to lightly snore.
Derpy found herself in a packed lecture hall. An old mare wearing frosted half-moon glasses and had grey hair stood in front of the room, and Derpy found herself surrounded by other ponies.
"Good morning, everypony!" The mare announced "I trust you've all prepared for today's final exam."
"Uh, excuse me?" Derpy asked "Where am I and what subject is this?"
"Ancient Egyptian algebra, Ms. Derpy." She pointed at a blackboard filled with Egyptian hieroglyphs.
"... It says it's 21."
"Miss Derpy!? Are those your underpants?"
"Underpants?" Derpy stood up and looked down, seeing that she was wearing only briefs. The whole class laughs and points.
"...I don't get it."
"Young ma'am, I think it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs." She pulls down a poster showing red briefs.
"Lightspeed fits today's active lifestyle!" A voice announcer spoke out of nowhere. "Whether you're on the job-" Derpy suddenly found in a company meeting wearing just Lightspeeds, though still confused "Or having fun!" Derpy sat next with the same, mysterious, brown Stallion on a bed. Just a pair of lightspeeds appear in front of a flashing background. "Lightspeed briefs, style and comfort for the discriminating crotch!" Derpy's head stuck out of the bottom left corner.
"But I'm always naked." She replied.
Derpy and Fry woke up at the same time.
"What a weird dream!" Fry exclaimed
"Did it involve briefs?" Derpy asked
"Yeah... how'd you know?"
"Lucky guess. Well, I'm going back to sleep."
"You can, but I'll never get back to sleep!" Derpy watched as he fell asleep instantly.
In the Planet Express Lounge, The staff sat around the table. Both Fry & Derpy shared what happened last night, though everyone though Derpy's was funny and, a tad bit weird as it was true she walked around naked except for a few occasions.
"So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?" Fry asked
"Of course." Leela replied
"But, how is that possible?"
"It's very simple." The professor explained "The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg." He held up an egg and injects it with liquid. The egg exploded, covering him and everyone in yolk.
"What the-!?" Derpy yelled "So we're going to explode!?"
"Oh no, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation. And no, you're not going to explode; that's only under microwave radiation."
"That's awful." Fry commented "It's like brainwashing!"
"Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?" Leela asked
"Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And in magazines and movies and at ball games, on buses and milk cartons and T-shirts and bananas and written on the sky. But not in dreams. No, sir-ee!"
"Quit squawking, flesh wad!" Bender replied "Nobody's forcing you to buy anything."
"Yeah," Amy added "I mean we all have commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices." Everyone sat for a while with a long silence and awkwardly looked at each other.
"... SALE!!!" Derpy yelled. Everyone ran outside, heading to the nearest Department store: Alien Overlord & Taylor
The Planet Express staff enter the department store; the Professor & Zoidberg went one way, Fry another, leaving Leela, Amy, Bender, and Derpy together. Immediately, their group encountered a saleswoman at the cosmetics stand.
"Hi! Care to sample the latest fragrance from Calvin Clone?" The saleswoman asked
"No thanks." Amy replied. The saleswoman sprayed her. Amy curses in Cantonese and walkwed away, rubbing her eyes., leaving Bender and Derpy with the saleswoman.
"And you, sir?"
"No thanks," Bender spoke, putting Derpyh inside his chest "I-" The saleswoman sprays him. Bender gavbe her a death glare, but his head rotated. Derpy popped up with a spray can and sprayed the saleswoman. Both laughed as she coughed and fell to the floor unconscious. "Ah, seeing pain like that is hilariously cruel. Stay with Leela; I gotta... find some things."
"Don't get caught, Uncle." Derpy replied.
"Ah, I won't." He handed Leela Derpy immediately and ran into the menswear, taking a green sweater off & wearing it.
"Unlce Bender's looking for some goods; Hopefully, he's fine with the wad of cash I left for him inside."
"Ah, how generous." Leela commented.
"It should be enough for a bail."
"... okay."
After a while, both Leela and Derpy sat on a chair at the cosmetics stand. A cosmetologist brushed away their fringes
"What lovely faces." she commented "We just need to draw attention away from the eye area." She zaps both of their faces with something and then holds up a mirror. Leela sees her reflection and sighs; The woman plastered her face in lipstick, making her look like a clown. Derpy screamed as her face turned to what looked liked a monster. Luckily, they were fixed immediately, though Derpy knew that, if another advertisement didn't came, she'd have nightmares from it. Amy came back, helping Derpy out by picking some clothes that she should wear as both part of the job and a way to avoid being labeled a 'flasher' or 'streaker'. The clothes they found there four things; a mailman hat, button up shirt, pants, and a bag with a muffin as it's pin, all of which Derpy enjoyed putting on & trying out, though the windows broke from her appearance. Bender came along with his green sweater and what seemed like things under it.
"Hey, Bender!" Amy greeted "Great new sweater."
"New!?" Bender lied "What sweater? I came in with it. I don't know you people!" He walked away, followed by a hovering CCTV camera.
"Huh... that's weird. Ok look: Fry!" They walked over to Fry, who looked down, though he seemed to be purchasing Lightspeed Breifs. "Hey! You're springing for Lightspeed? Pretty ritzy!"
"No, I can't afford them." Fry replied "Being poor sucks. What kind of world is this where they advertise things not everybody can afford?"
"Quiet!" Derpy yelled "T.V.!" Derpy pointed at the screen, where an old woman wearing a large, green dress & an apron around her front, sat in a rocking chair.
"Hello, shoppers." she spoke to the audience "It's me, Mom."
"Hey who's the rocker jockey?" Fry asked
"Guh! It's Mom; The world's most huggable industrialist." Amy replied
"ECH!!!" Derpy commented.
"Call me old-fashioned," Mom continued "but when my robot starts to squeak like an old screen door, well, that's when I reach for a can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil."
"Mmm, tasty!" Bender commented
"And remember: Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand!" A picture of Mom's robot oil was shown with the logan 'Made with 10% More love than the next leading Brand'.
""Mom", "love" and "screen door" are registered trademarks of Momcorp." a voiceover spoke. Bender began to squeak loudly.
"Hey, Bender." Fry spoke "Sounds like you could use a little of that oil." Some tins fell out of Bender's sweater. Seven hovering CCTV cameras surround him, making him look up.
"I'm boned." Bender spoke.
"Freeze, scuzzbot!" A police officer yelled. Derpy jumped out of Leela's arms and balanced on her hind legs.
"There's obviously been some sort of a mistake here!" Derpy pleaded, only for more tin cans to fall out. "I'm sure there's-" More fall out. "I say I'm sure there's-" Even more fall out. "That is, I'm sure there's ... a very ... reasonable-" Everything fell.
Everyone stood inside the New New York Police Department, Fry counting all the money the pitched in.
"Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine?" Amy asked
"78, 79, 79.50." Fry counted "Crud! We're 50 cents short."
"I'd love to chip in but Bender stole my wallet." Leela added
"Yes... Bender." Derpy spoke, shifting her eyes. Fry looked through a window and sees the Big Apple Bank.
"Hey, that's my old bank!" Fry spoke "Maybe my account's still open.
They made it to the bank, where Fry stepped forward to the desk. A machine scans his eye.
"Hmm, We don't seem to have your retina scan, your fingerprint or your colonic map on file." The teller informed
"Yeah, well, I did open the account over a thousand years ago." Fry replied "What about my ATM card?" The teller pulled out an ATM machine from under the desk and blows the dust off it, causing Derpy to sneeze.
"Do you still remember your PIN number?"
"Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work; Panucci's Pizza."
"OK, you had a balance of 93 cents."
"Alright!"
"Weak." Derpy commented.
"And at an average of two-and-a-quarter percent interest over a period of 1000 years, that comes to ... $4.3 billion." The Teller continued. Fry and Derpy stared for a moment before hyperventilating and foamed at the mouth, followed by them fainting.
Everyonbe in the planet expresss crew celebrated, all wearing top hats and drinking champagne (minus Derpy, who blew bubbles from a pipe)
"I know Fry's rich, but do we really have to wear these top hats?" Leela asked
"Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is." Bender replied "In fact, I think I'd better put on a monocle!" He does.
"Ooh!" Derpy spoke "Monocle time!" She put on her own monocle and raised the English flag behind her, along with the head of Dave Chapelle.
The time they had together was the closet that they'd live the high life: They went to 'Le Spa' where Fry, Leela, and Derpy got a relaxing massage as Bender got a buffing; They shot expensive paintings fired from a catapult; and they watched the super original Star Wars while torturing the head of Geroge Lucas, begging to show his 'masterpiece' other than what people thought was excellent.
Everyone sat together at 'Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza'.
"Pizza dinner on me!" Fry spoke with everyone cheering "Just keep the tab under $50 million." A robot chef came out of the kitchen
"Yo!" He spoke with a whistles "I haven't got all day. What kind of pizza yous guys want?"
"Uh, yeah, We'll have one with everything but anchovies and one with my all time favorite topping, anchovies!"
"Invalid selection! Yo, what are you talking about?"
"Anchovies? You know? Those little headless fish?"
"Does not compute! Does not compute!" His head exploded. Derpy laughed at the sight.
"I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's." Farnsworth spoke
"What!?" Fry asked
"Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg?"
"I'm not on trial here." Zoidberg replied defensively.
"So none of you has ever had anchovies?" Fry asked "Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and-"
"Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry!" He held his claws to his head and hung in shame. Derpy walked to him and gave a love tap on his head, followed by looking through his wallet, only to toss is away.
"I just wish I could've showed you guys how great they were. I may be rich but I still can't buy back all the things I miss from the 20th century."
"Maybe you're forgetting just how rich you are." Bender replied. Both he and Derpy puts on their monocles back on. "Huh? Huh?"
Amy, Bender, Derpy, and Leela looked around Fry's new apartment; an original 20th Century apartment. Everyone was confused about the old stuff around. Fry entered through the door.
"So? What do you think?" Fry asked
"I know you spent a lot of money on this place, Fry," Leela replied "but it's awfully primitive." She stomps on the floor "The floors are made of such hard wood." Derpy stepped on a squeaky part
"This is fun!" Derpy exclaimed
"Hey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th century TV!"Bender spoke, sitting on a recliner
"What's wrong with it?" Fry asked
"Well, aside from causing eye cancer, these things had a lousy low-definition picture."
"That's true." Amy replied "On a TV like this I bet you couldn't even make out my obscene tattoo." She rolled her sleeve up to reveal her obscene tattoo. Bender whistles and Leela chuckles.
"...What's that?" Derpy asked. Leela gasped and covered her eyes.
"Cover that up!" Amy rolled down her sleeve.
"But I wanna see!"
"Only when you're older."
They all sat, surrounded by rich people in 'Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers'. Fry placed a bid for a skeleton.
"I just don't get it." Leela replied "Who's this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton?
"I have an idea for a sitcom." Fry answered
"Cheers!" Derpy spoke, drinking tea.
"Ah, leave him alone, Leela." Bender replied "So he's going a little wacko with his money. It's OK."
"You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy." Leela replied. Bender chuckled
"Yeah, it is cute. Wanna try, Derpy?"
"Would I!" Derpy replied. They both with the "Knock 'Em, Sock 'Em" toy. Derpy's robot, the blue, punched Bander's red robot's head off, causing him to scream. Derpy laughed hard at the sight.
"Now, our final item:" the auctioneer spoke "This unopened can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997.".
"Anchovies?" Fry asked
"The last known can in existence guaranteed fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000?"
"15,000!"
"20!" A man yelled
"30!" A Decapodian Woman yelled "No, 40!"
"50,000!" Fry yelled The other bidders whisper to each other.
"Are you crazy?" Leela asked "It's a can of old fish."
"Don't tell me how to spend my money."
"50 going once," the auctioneer spoke "twice-"
"75,000." a familiar woman's voice spoke Everyone turned and gasped; Mom stood at the back of the room with three men.
"Oh, my God!" Leela exclaimed "It's Mom! I've never seen her in person before."
"100,000." Fry spoke. More whispering came from the bidders.
"Fry, you can't bid against Mom; she's the richest, most powerful person in the world. And she's so adorable."
"Adorable!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "Go for the kill, fry!!!"
"DERPY!!!"
"Well, I suppose I could go as high as ... 300,000." Mom spoke
"500!" Fry yelled
"Oh, mercy be. A million."
"Two."
"Six."
"14!"
"I can see the nice young man really wants those little fish. Nevertheless, I'll bid 23 million." Fry stood up and rose his hand.
"One jillion dollars!" Everyone gasped.
"Sir, that's not a number." The auctioneer replied. More gasping
"Oh. In that case, 50 million." Another gasp. Mom turned to three men behind her-
"Well, boys," she spoke "your old mother knows when she's been beat You win, young man. I tip my bonnet to you." Everyone but Derpy d'awwed at the sight. The auctioneer banged his gavel.
"What a class act!" He announced "Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction." Fry stood up with Derpy, cheering for themselves, but the others "boo" him.
Three days had passed and Fry wasn't at work. Leela, Bender, and Derpy checked on Fry to see if everything was fine. Leela knocked on his door.
"Fry?" Leela asked "Are you there?"
"Eh?" Fry replied from the other side. Leela opened the door and they all walked in. Leela turned on the lights as Fry was on the couch, wearing a brown jacket over a stained white shirt, and only wearing his underwear.
"You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been doing?"
"I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-ay!" Fry turned on the stereo and Sir Mix-a-Lot's played. Derpy threw a VHS tape at the stereo, destroying it. "HEY!!!"
"You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music."
"I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and Derpy destroyed the $200,000 stereo."
"Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past."
"I'm rich! I can live whenever I want."
"But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000."
"Yeah!" Bender agreed "Now are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?"
"Squid people are fun!" Derpy added.
"Junk?" Fry asked "Maybe you can't understand this, but I've finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things." He stood up and walked towards the door.
"I'm a thing." Bender replied, sadly though
"Just leave me alone." Fry opened the door & Leela and Bender walked out. Derpy followed but stopped
"Pwease?" Derpy asked, doing her eyes. Fry groaned and slammed the door on her face. Leela and Bender gasped. Derpy stared with a shocked look, her eyes teared, and outside, a robot pianist played very fitting music.
"Derpy?" Leela asked. Derpy sniffed, then began to laugh.
"He ignored my cuteness." she spoke with a cackle. "And now... his money... is... MINE!!!" She pulled out a piece of paper with on it, 1077, and Fry's wallet. "Come on! Let's take that bastard's money and teach him what it means to ignore Derpy hooves!!!"
"Derpy... that sounds wrong."
"I'll split it with you two."
"TO THE BANK!!!" Bender yelled.
Derpy made herself a new account, but placed 1.43 billion dollars in both Bender's and Leela's accounts, making them all rich. All three sat on the lounge's couch as Farnsworth sat at the table.
"You're Fry's relative," Leela spoke "Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?"
"Uh, wha?" Farnsworth replied "Oh, yes! They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters. Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of-" he walked out of the door. Derpy wrote in a journal.
"I think we could add my cuteness as a weapon." Derpy spoke to herself, drawing the supermen farnsworth described, thought of, though they shot out hearts.
Suddenly she sees a trail of muffins leading out the building...
"MUFFINS!"
On the other side of the trail, Walt lay waiting with a net and mallet.
"Wait, if Fry's poor now. Mom's going in the front to buy the anchovies right now. So why do we need to do this?" Asked Larry.
"Between her new wealth and cuteness. She's a potential rival to MOM! Needless to say, Mother feels it best if she takes a LOOONG vacation..."
"Will there be Hula dancers?" Asked Igner excited. Walt responds by slapping him across the face annoyed.
At that point Derpy jumps in the limbo.
"HA! We got you you stupid pony!"
ME WANT MUFFINS!
The three brothers scream as the limbo flips over with them inside as the little terror goes for the pancreas...
While everyone ignores the typical screams of agony and destruction from yet another Derpy rampage outside. Fry entered through the other door.
"Leela!" He gasped "Bender! Derpy! "I missed you so much!" Exlamied Fry desperate, having not noticed Derpy wasn't currently in the room.
"You did?" Leela asked "What happened?"
"I was robbed. They got everything except these." He help up the anchovies. Both Derpy and Bender snickered to themselves. Bender cleared his throat.
"Who did?" Bender asked, having a hard time suppressing a laugh. Leela gasped, as Mom stood in the doorway."
"Hello, Fry." She spoke
"It's Mom!" Leela exclaimed
"I feel terrible about your money troubles and I thought maybe-" Derpy screamed as she suddenly jumped into the room and pulled out a gun.
"DIE, MOM, DIE!!!" Derpy yelled "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE DERPY HOOVES AND MY ADORABLENESS ALIVE!!!" She fired the laser gun, making everyone scream & sending Mom jumping out the window in fear of her life! Derpy fired nine bullets before the gun overheated. She took in deep breaths before letting out a sigh of relief. "So... how do those anchovies taste like?"
The whole staff, except for Zoidberg, gathered around the table. Fry opened the tin of anchovies before putting each small fish on slice of pizza, though still shaken at Derpy's sudden change from calm, to craziness, to calm again.
"OK, my friends." Fry spoke "Get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted!"
"I don't know, I've had cow." Amy replied. Everyone took a bit our of their pizza slice. Everyone, but Fry and Derpy, enjoyed their slice.
"Ah, no one likes them at first but they'll grow on you."
"They're so good!" Derpy added, she's so busy stuffing her face she doesn't see one get caught in her mane. Zoidberg came in, sniffing the air.
"That stench!" He exclaimed "That heavenly stench!" He ate the rest of the pizza. "More!
"There aren't any more." Fry replied "And there never will be." Zoidberg tipped the table over and moves towards Fry & Derpy raising his claws.
"More! More! More!!! MORE!!!" Derpy screamed again, pulling out a laser assault rifle and fired everywhere, snapping Zoidberg out of his phase and made everyone fall to the floor, ducking for cover.
"Relax creep! Those nice men outside gave me TONS more money if I stopped using their ribcages to sharpen my knives! WE CAN MAKE MORE ANCHOVIES FOR EVERYONE!" She brings out a HUGE bag of money covered in blood.
Bender wipes away a bead of battery acid tears, "That's my girl!"
...several weeks later...
From her hospital bed, Mom's eye twitches as a news report shows Derpy having bribed farnsworth to use the bit of anchovie caught in her mane to create a super-storm that rains anchovies! It also seems to have gotten Derpy hair mixed in by accident, which turned out to be an even better catalyst then any third world Orphan!
Decapodians and Robots were celebrating in the street as they found themselves gorging either on fish or the lovely oil that squirted from the fish!
"Where the hell did she even get the money to do this!? Fry didn't have nearly enough for all this!" She screamed as her sales of oil started to plummet...
"Oh, we paid the nice pony a large chunk of your money so she'd stop beating us." Explained Igner from the opposite hospital bed while his brothers frantically tried to kick him from their own beds to get him to shut up...
FIVE minutes later the boys needed to be moved to ER to get Mom's foot surgically removed from their asses...
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