• Published 23rd Dec 2020
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The Level 98 Swordmage - flub



What happens when an overpowered swordmage and his kind apprentice/son end up in a land of magical talking ponies?

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Chapter 3: Discussions regarding racism, slavery, and taxes

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

— 2 Corinthians 3:17

I think many of you already know this, but Equestria is a wonderful place. It's a place where magic exists, the air is clean, the economy is great as everypony is employed and working a job they enjoy, wars are basically unheard of, and everpony is happy all the time. There's a reason why "Human in Equestria" stories are so plentiful and popular, it's because Equestria is, sadly, a MUCH better place than "Shit-outta-luck three" (Sol III, i.e. Earth). Many humans who end up in Equestria comment on how wonderful the place is as they enjoy their lives being friends with the Mane 6 as they live in Ponyville. Now, with all this in mind, where did we last leave off?

Oh, I remember!

"So, what's with the slave?"

The lavender pony who was initially curious of this monkey-man suddenly backed away in shock as her eyes (which are normally the size of tea saucers) grew into full dinner plates at this random and highly insulting question.

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Wow, this is going off to a great start." Trevor muttered as he facepalmed.

"You heard me correctly: what's with the slave? It's a pony dominated society, he's the only dragon here, and he isn't held in high regard considering he's your assistant, I mean, come on it's pretty obvious." Malrick replied.

"SPIKE ISN'T MY SLAVE!" Purple horse screamed at White man (his skin color is pale white, I said it in the prologue. This sentence isn't racist considering I didn't say anything that insulted any white peoples. I just had to say this to make sure I don't get a dislike or something).

The library started to loudly shush them because Purple horse said something over thirty decibels. Malrick didn't want to deal with the constant shushing as he can tell this will be a very loud conversation, so after a hand motion and some words towards the ponies, he turned his head back to Purple horse.

"Just to let you know, I just casted a Mass Deafening spell on all of the ponies here, basically we can scream as much as we want and they can't hear us. Now where were we... so you said he isn't your slave, but you didn't say anything about being anotherpony's slave."

Purple horse, who would’ve normally had her mouth open in awe at the display of powerful magic instead took a deep breath and replied calmly, "Spike is my number one assistant. He is nopony’s slave, nor is anypony in Equestria a slave as slavery is strictly forbidden. What you said was very disrespectful to me and Spike and I request that you apologize."

But Malrick pressed on, "Do you pay him?"

Purple horse scratched the back of her head with a hoof, "Um... well, I don’t pay him any wages if that’s what you’re asking... BUT I TAKE CARE OF HIM!" she screamed out that last part.

"...So you’re like his mother? How would that even work?" Malrick said that last part under his breath.

"Well, I did hatch him as part of my entrance exam to the School of Gifted Unicorns." Purple horse said with pride.

"Yeah... that doesn't make it any better... in fact, I'm pretty sure you just made this worse."

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" Purple horse screamed (again).

"Oh yeah, names and all that. I'm Malrick, master swordmage, human, not from this plane, grim servant of death, and professional bowling champion three years running among other things, and over there is Trevor, my apprentice and adopted son." Malrick said as he pointed to Trevor who looked like he would rather be anywhere else right now.

Purple horse (last time I promise) was very surprised on the fact that this... human came from another universe entirely, but she didn't think too hard on it and just introduced herself , "My name is Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia-"

"Personal student? Celestia never told me about that!" Malrick interrupted.

"Wait, you've met Princess Celestia?!" Twilight yelled out in surprise, but Malrick didn't seem to hear or care.

"Hold that thought, I'm going to talk to her about this!"

"But isn't the Princess in her day cour-"

But her words reached deaf ears as Malrick quickly opened a palm above the ground as gray smoke quickly shot out of his hand. In the blink of an eye a large plume of smoke puffed out and covered Malrick. When the smoke dispersed a few seconds later, Malrick was no where to be seen.

There was an awkward silence between Twilight, Trevor, and Spike.

"... Does he always act like this?" Twilight asked Trevor.

"He's not acting, he really is like this..." Trevor replied with an annoyed sigh.

---

Celestia was sitting on top of her throne listening to a rather snobish noblepony. She was in the middle of her morning duties and it was boring. She was crossing her... hooves? That something interesting would happen, but until then...

"-and that's why us nobleponies should get a fifteen percent tax reduction." said the noblepony.

Celestia nodded with a smile, but in the inside, her brain was thinking something along the lines of this:

"Please, Please, Please, PLEASE let there be something to interrupt this pony. He's been going on for over forty minutes now and I would rather deal with ANYTHING else than him, heck, even a surprise dentist appointment, just somepony, ANYPONY other than-"

And just like that, God had answered her prayers.

She felt a huge mass suddenly appear within her hair as a cloud of ash and smoke puffed up from behind her. It was unusually heavy for a pony and nopony would be stupid and/or insane enough to just suddenly appear in Celestia's mane... except...

"Wait... I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT-"

"AY! What's a crack-a-lackin big smackin?!" Malrick said with utter glee.

Celestia slowly turned to look behind and sure enough, Malrick's head was sticking out of her mane.

"Hello, Malrick..." Celestia said in a low voice.

"Hi Celly-Belly! Can you just explain to me something real quick? Afterwards, I'll be right out of your hair, figuratively and literally! Man, I'm good!" Malrick whispered out that last part.

After a long sigh, Celestia relented, "And what would that be?"

"I didn't know you have a personal student! You never told me!"

Celestia raised her eyebrows and smiled a little, "Oh, you've met Twilight?"

"Yup! And I introduced myself in the usual Malrick way too!"

Celestia's face started to sour as her smile slowly fell, "... What exactly did you say to her?" Celestia asked in a nervous voice.

"Umm... something about indentured servitude and dinosaurs? To be honest, I stopped listening to Twizzlers after she started screaming for the third time..."

Before Celestia could inquire any further, Malrick turned his head to see the noblepony in the room, who was still looking at him in shock, "Um, was I interrupting something (hopefully) important?"

Celestia looked at the noblepony before turning her head back to Malrick once more, "Not really, this noble just wanted a reduction on his taxes."

The moment Celestia said "taxes", Malrick's face showed a hint of fear as he quickly teleported in front of the noblepony who jumped back in surprise.

"Listen, I don't know who you are or how the tax system works around here but heed my words: Always pay your taxes."

Before the noblepony could say anything else, he took a look into Malrick's eyes. The irises were blood red and his gaze was cold and demanding. The noblepony decided it was best of him to be quiet and leave the room now.

"R-Right, I'll be on my way then!" The noblepony sheepishly said as he slowly trotted off.

After a few seconds, the noblepony left the room. Malrick slowly turned around to Celestia with a knowing grin, "You wanted him gone, didn't you? After being around royalty for so long, I kinda know these things."

"Um, well, I didn't exactly want him to stay any longer..."

Malrick laughed out loud while Celestia tried to cover a light blush on her face. After three or so seconds, his laughter abruptly ended as he looked at Celestia with the same cold stare he just used on the noblepony, "But seriously though, always pay your taxes." He then slowly creaked his head to look at the reader, "And that goes for you too..."

Celestia tilted her head in confusion, "Who are you talking to?"

"Just some divine entities beyond the mortal veil." Malrick said matter-of-factly.

"Okay... why are you so dead-set on ponies paying their taxes?"

Malrick clenched his teeth, "Because I'm afraid of the IRS, the collectors." Malrick said with a shutter near the end, "I refused to pay my taxes only once, never again..."

---

"So you didn't pay your taxes?" Trevor inquired.

"Yup!" Malrick said without care.

"You do know that's illegal, right?"

"Yup!"

"And that they'll just tax you more?"

"I won't pay those ones either!"

"... This is going to bite you back." Trevor warned.

"Pff, how? I have powers that rival that of the gods Trevor, what could they possibly to do?"

"I don't know, but it won't be good..." Trevor said as they both took their seats the dining room. Trevor had an apple in his hand that he took a bite out of, but to his surprise, the apple tasted bland and... grainy. Trevor immediately spat out the apple which turned into a cloud of white dust. He looked down at his apple which started to turned white and chalky.

"Um... Dad? Did you buy these apples from the plane of ash?" Trevor asked.

"No, I got them over in Arborea, why do you-" Malrick stopped his response as soon as he saw the plaster-like apple, which began to crumble in Trevor's hand, "What the-"

Malrick's train of thought suddenly stopped as he fell backwards in his wooden chair. He painfully landed on the floor on his back as he yelped in pain. He stood up only to notice that one of the chair's legs crumbled into the same chalky, white stuff like the apple did.

"Uh, Dad, you might want to look at the walls..." Trevor said with fear.

Malrick looked at the walls as patches of them began to whiten and crumble into dust, "How in the–this house is made out of pure magic! It should be basically invulnerable! What the fuck is going on?!"

Malrick then started to hear knocking on the front door. He slowly put his right hand on the hilt of his sword as his left hand cracked with red lightning as he made his way to the door. When Malrick opened it, he saw a yellow-brown devil with long, curved horns and a pitchfork wearing a black business suit.

"... You got to be kidding me. I assume you guys are the reason why my house is being slowly disintegrated?" Malrick said with annoyance.

"If you don't pay your taxes, we'll take away your property to pay them off." The devil calmly replied.

"HOW ARE YOU EVEN DESTROYING MY HOUSE?! I PUT SO MANY DIFFERENT WARDS ON THE THING THAT IT BASICALLY RADIATES MAGIC! ARCHANGELS, DEMON PRINCES, EVEN GODS CAN'T DAMAGE MY HOUSE!" Malrick screamed out in frustration.

"We have our ways." The devil said mysteriously.

"How the hell do you guys keep following me and taxing me wherever I am?! You guys even taxed me when I lived outside of the universe temporarily!"

"No matter where you go there will be land, and where there's land there's property, and where there's property there's us." The devil said with a wicked smile and low chuckle.

"... Just give me the stupid tax forms." Malrick sighed with a defeated tone.

The devil's smile grew wider, "As you wish, swordmage."

---

"Look, I'll happily take on demon lords, entire kingdoms, and even unfathomable horrors beyond the realms, but I will NOT take on the IRS!"

Celestia slowly blinked and took in the implications that the beings more powerful than Malrick were not only devils, but tax collectors... she's going to need to check in with the royal tax collectors after her day court if that's the case.

Malrick pulled out a platinum pocket-watch from his, pocket, "Anyways, I think I need to take my leave, I don't want to leave Trevor with Twinkle Twinkle little Star and Spyro the Dragon too long, I just met them after all, but if anything happened to Trevor I'll probably turn them into crabs and call it a day since I really do not want to commit another genocide right now."

Before Celestia could ask about the key words "another genocide" Malrick left the same way he came: By conjuring a huge cloud of ash and smoke.

While Celestia's hair was covered in soot, she took a moment to look around her throne room. It was strangely quiet and empty without Malrick. Sure her personal guards were there, but they were all in so much shock at the sudden appearance and the total lack of any respect from Malrick to their princess that they were all in near-catatonic states, besides, even if they weren't traumatized they were so boring and formal to her that any conversation was treated as if it was an order. The nobles weren't any better as they only really talked to her if they wanted something out of her and even then, they said so many three-syllable words and adjectives that they could turn mere sentences into full essays with a thesis, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Malrick on the other hand was very straight to the point and treated her like any other pony. Granted, he had no respect towards any authority whatsoever, but after describing his futile attempts to make peace with multiple kingdoms only for them to turn on him and constantly send people to try and kill him, she doesn't blame him for being so disgruntled. Honestly, it was a breath of fresh air to have somepon-person to talk to that doesn't see her as a princess, but as a normal mare. Celestia chuckled a little at the thought, perhaps she should invite him and Trevor over for lunch.

Just after she washes all the ash from her mane.

---

Trevor was in the middle of reading some type of cookbook before a huge puff of smoke appeared right in front of him. Stepping out from the cloud of ash, Malrick took a quick glance at his surroundings before smiling at Trevor.

"Hey Trevor! Glad to know you're not dead but uh, where is the violet duo?"

"After a few minutes of really awkward silence between us, Twilight said she had better things to do and left the library with a mountain of books."

Malrick raised an eyebrow, "Was the bipedal lizard the one carrying the books?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so."

"... I really need to ask Celestia about the basic legal rights for employees..." Malrick said while looking away and scratching his chin.

Trevor sighed as he closed his book, "So what books should we get?"

Malrick looked at Trevor with a sideways glance "Pardon?"

"What books should we get? Historical, Biological, Mythical, Magical, Political, Economical? It was the whole reason why we came here remember?"

Before Malrick could answer that question, he took a quick glance at the remaining ponies in the library, "Actually, I think we should leave."

Trevor looked confused, "Huh? We came to the library to get books and now we are leaving the library without any books? Why's that?"

"Because I think they are starting to realize why the library is so quiet." Malrick said while pointing at a group of ponies who were in the library. They were all looking at each other panic as it slowly dawned on them that none of them could hear a thing.

Before Trevor could object, his hand was grabbed and being pulled by Malrick as they were walking towards the library exit, Trevor wasn't the one to just run away from a problem, but he also didn't want to be public enemy number one on the first day here, so he decided to go with it.

When they were a fair distance away from the library, a thought suddenly occurred to Trevor: "Hey, how long does that Mass Deafening spell last?"

Malrick scrunched his brows in thought, "Hmm... I think it lasts forever if I'm not mistaken..."

Trevor suddenly stopped in his tracks and looked at Malrick in horror, "... Does that mean that those ponies are going to be deaf forever?" he asked quietly.

Malrick stopped as well to keep pace with Trevor, "Well, not forever, just until I cast a Dispel Magic spell."

"And when are you going to do that?"

"... Later." Malrick said simply while happily walking through the castle.

Trevor started at Malrick for a few seconds before facepalming, shaking his head, and sighing loudly again today. Even in a totally random and unknown plane of existence ruled by magical, talking, rainbow-colored ponies with butt-tattoos, he still lived and acted the same as he did back at home:

Without any care.