The cacophony of battle had begun to die down, but it was far from over. Hulking figures in blue armor, badly bloodied, stood against a growing horde of daemonic creatures. Portals swirling with infernal warp energy were opening up all around the battlefield, twisted monstrosities of all shapes and sizes wading out into the dwindling fray.
“Battle brothers! To me! We must show these foul daemons no fear!” A voice rang out across the bloody field that seemed as if it would have been audible even without the amplification provided by the comm-system.
"If we die here today, we will not have died in vain! Every foul warp-spawn we bring down will be one less blight upon the face of the Imperium! Now, onward! Chaaaaarge!”
The blue-armored figures seemed to be filled with a renewed vigor. Even some who had seemed grievously wounded did their best to move forward, hacking through their foes with grim determination, others with bolters blazing, shell casings spent clattering to the ground unnoticed. Daemons began to screech as bullet and blade bit into their flesh, the former exploding on contact.
In the center of the maelstrom of whirring blades and blazing guns was the one who had spoken the words that encouraged his struggling brethren. Seemingly tirelessly, the warrior hacked and shot his way through waves of foes singlehandedly. A howl went up from a red, demonic-looking beast as its sword arm was severed, the creature’s blood spewing forth. A bolt-pistol shell burst the monster’s head shortly thereafter, its brains spattering the rocky ground as it fell to its knees. Another was impaled through the stomach, a roaring chainsaw-like blade penetrating its back, making mincemeat of its innards in the process.
Finally, the azure-armored trooper stood before the mouth of one of the gaping rifts from whence his foes came. From the portal emerged a beast like the others, except far greater in size and ferocity. Without hesitation, the heavily armored warrior dashed between its legs and turned, executing a deft backhand slash. The powered blade of his chainsword squealed and caught as it made its way through his enemy’s armor, finally emerging cleanly from the opposite end, black blood spraying in seemingly every direction all the while. The massive, daemonic behemoth dropped its enormous, twisted blade and fell.
He made to leap onto its back to finish it, but as his feet left the ground, some mysterious force pulled at him. It was the portal, he realized. The thing was dragging at him, trying to draw him in. Not even his formidable strength was enough to resist its otherworldly, eldritch pull. Before he knew it, he was sucked inside.
He flew through the warp, tendrils of energy licking at him, his entrails feeling as if they were in the process of rearranging themselves even as he yet lived. And then, nothing…silence, oblivion. He had no idea what was happening...perhaps he'd found favor with his Emperor and been shielded from the torrential, malignant forces of the warp. Finally, his lack of consciousness became complete. His form tumbled through the storm of hellish energy for what seemed like an eternity, until finally…
***
A purple unicorn trotted contentedly across the plains, her violet magic enveloping a book, which she levitated before her face. This preoccupation left her utterly unprepared for the massive, resounding roar and resulting heavy crash that suddenly shook the picturesque landscape. The pony let out a yelp and jumped what must have been several feet into the air, her simple levitation spell disrupted, causing the book to fall to the grass with a thud.
The studious mare forgot it for now, though, as there was a far more interesting sight just before her eyes. On the ground about twenty feet from where she stood lay a dark blue unicorn, sturdily built, a strange horseshoe like symbol on his flank. His hair was shortish, raggedy, and black. What was even stranger than his sudden appearance, however, was the heap of dark-blue metal and assorted accessories.
As far as she could tell, the metallic wreck looked like some kind of heavy, ornate armor. Cautiously, the purple mare approached the stuff, forgetting the other unicorn for the moment in the midst of her curiosity. She attempted to levitate a hunk of it, a shoulder-pad, she surmised. It was difficult, but she managed. It somehow seemed as if her magic coursed through the heavy, hard material like some kind of current. Her contemplations were interrupted when she felt something slam into her side. She rolled along the ground, somepony else latched onto her, until she ended up on her back.
She looked up with wide, terrified eyes, and beheld two blue eyes, full of a fiery rage she’d never seen the like of in all her life. The unicorn from before was now apparently conscious, pinning her down, and very, very angry. He snorted, his breath hot on her face as he leaned in so closely their noses almost met.
“Where have you brought me, warp-spawn?!” he demanded in a snarling tone. The female trembled underneath him, more frightened than she’d ever been. Then, she watched the look in the new pony’s eyes change, as if he were suddenly overwhelmed with some great realization. Slowly, he let her up, and lifted a hoof in front of his face, examining it incredulously.
“Holy Terra, what am I? WHERE am I?” He looked around frantically, as if searching for something. As soon as he spotted the armor, he galloped over to it, staring at it in shock. He lifted his hoof, then looked back and forth between it and the heap of armor several times. The unicorn shook his head quickly and turned around to face Twilight this time.
Gone was the former look of unbridled fury, replaced instead by an expression of bewilderment.
“You…you’re a…a horse. No, a…pony.” He blinked and stared at her, as if expecting her to say something.
“Um…yes, yes I am. A unicorn, to be exact.” She cocked her head. “And so are you. I don’t know what’s so extraordinary about that.”
“Me? A pony?!” The male galloped up to her, then looked at his hooves again. “No…no, that’s impossible. I am a battle brother of the Adeptus Astartes, chosen warriors of the God Emperor and protector of the realms of mankind!” Suddenly, the stallion swayed in place a few times, his eyes rolling back into his head as he fell over onto the ground with a weighty thud, leaving an exceedingly confused unicorn in his wake.
“Well…NOW what do I do? Celestia, why does all the weird stuff always have to happen to me?”
My first thought, before I read this.
I think a Space Marine would rather DISEMBOWEL HIMSELF WITH A FUCKING CHAINSWORD....instead of being a disgusting xeno.
Now.
TO READING!
Intro Part:
The Space Marine fell through the warp into Equestria....
It is clear in so many cases. So. Many. Fucking. Cases.....
That even getting CLOSE to the warp, physically or mentally, is more than enough to burn out minds, corrupt even the most hardened and loyal Imperials, and even kill shit INSTANTLY.
But what am I kidding?
Its an ULTRAMARINE.
"LOL THAT SHIT DONT APPLY TO THEM THANKS TO MATT WARD!!!!"
This is straight from the Lexicanum.
So in that case I have no idea HOW he managed to find "peace" in the 40k equivalent of true balls-to-the-wall hell. Thats just silly, you silly.
(Here is a pic if you want:
wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/4/48/Realm_of_Chaos.jpg
I don't know how you can find peace in this shit. The only way i can think of finding peace in the Warp is the Astronomican, the physic beacon of the Emperor's will. Human space Heaven.)
Equestria:
If Twilight was really "Warp-Spawn" to the Marine, the Marine wouldn't have asked any fucking questions, he would've stomped the everlasting SHIT out of that fucking daemon while shouting "HERESY" and "PROMOTIONS!!!" Even if he "realized" he was a pony.... he still would've mashed the living fuck out of Twilight.
Maybe its the power of Rowboat Girlyman.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
Now....
A Space Marine fainted......
A SPACE MARINE FUCKING FAINTED?!?!
I need to go too bed.
If there is a mistake ill fix it in the morning.
You should change the description. Like, now. It will only hurt your story. Remove the part about your inspiration. That just serves to lower the suspense portrayed in the initial paragraph.
Make it something original. It doesn't have to be a word-for-word synopsis of what's going to happen. Intrigue your audience; remember, your demographic is 40K fans who are also MLP fans. Don't baby them, because most of them love and are fanatical about both of the franchises' lores. They know enough to not have to be told who's who and all that hubbub.
Your description can be something as simple as, "[Insert Name Here] winds up in Equestria after [Insert Whatever Happened To Him Here]. His quest to return back to his universe is halted when he starts to feel attachment to this new world of colorful ponies. After all, in a world where a prank-playing winged unicorn rules, why go back to a war-filled wasteland of aliens?"
That states his name, what happened that brought him to Equestria, (so you don't have to describe it too much in the beginning, and instead jump into the MLP stuff that people want to see) what the conflict is, and it draws contrast between the two worlds. It shows us that this particular marine isn't just a mindless biological weapon, or that maybe even any Space Marine can become more human with a little bit of fun thrown into his life. You can go anywhere with it, and say a variety of messages in the subtext that can draw in readers outside the (very obscure, small) 40K fan base. In fact, I'm already intrigued to read that story, and it's not even the real description!
Thank you everypony for the constructive criticism.
TheCommander, I'm well aware of what the warp does. I'm taking...liberties. x3 After all, nothing I can do can be any worse than anything that Matt Ward has done to the 40K mythos, can it?
Also, OneLonelyPony, you're right about the description. I'll get on that.
1191231 Perhaps the augmentations that all Space Marines have weren't made compatible with equine bodies by the Warp.
Also, while the Warp is basically a slice of Hell, it's also the domain of Chaos, and Chaos, by nature, is random. One day you might get sent into a vortex of pain in its purest form, and the next you actually find some form of peace within it. Of course this is just theory on my part; I may be a fan of WH40K, but I'm still new to the laws and rules of that universe and the Warp.
And in response to the first post, your post, how's he gonna gut himself if he has no fingers and no knowledge of how to use his newly acquired magic?
1191645
.......
I concur.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
The writing itself is not bad. But the liberties that were taken were.... worthy.
Its still not Matt Ward. I thank you for that.
1192482
Your point somewhat applies. That characteristic of Chaos I found in a demon, the fire pillar one, that may burn you alive or spray you with a sweet tasting beverage.
However:
---Lexicanum.
This is TRUE WARP. Described by Inquisitor Gideon Ravenor as "The Ultimate Cosmic Horror..." and is known to make star-ships disappear, never to be seen again.
The chances, of a single Space Marine, just not being disintegrated on contact with the warp is ASTRONOMICAL. MUCH less somehow not being corrupted, driven insane, gang-raped by warp demons, and SOMEHOW finding "peace."
The chance is so laughably bad that it can only seemingly happen to an Ultramarine.
And I guess he would magically know how to use magic, THE POWER OF WARD KNOWS NO BOUNDS!!!!
But seriously, just brace it with a big rock and use your damn hooves.
1192691 Points taken.
1192281
This......
1193324
I'm willing to shrug off inaccuracy up to a point.The amount of lore in 40k makes it improbable that everyone knows everything, I give you that and accept it.
Also one of the main points in 40k is to make your army with a piece of yourself, fan-fluff is in the very essence of 40k.
Imagination is a central part of our favorite grim-dark world.
However, if you're actually going to make the warp a "peaceful" place that some lone Space Marine can go into and come out completely unscathed, that's unacceptable. There are boundaries.
Just like I cant write a story where the Emperor comes back to life by some stupid magic and then goes on another Great Crusade, killing everything and ass-raping the Chaos Gods. Just like I cant write that the Gods of Chaos suddenly become nice and want to give every damn human a cuddly hug. Just like I cant make a Alt Universe where the Horus Heresy never happened.
And please, for the love of the Throne, don't just say "but if official writer can screw it so much, why fanfic writer can't?" that just shows man that you have never "been there." When the unholy fires rained from the sky and the faithful yelled as a terrible Codex was born. When the fa/tg/uys of /tg/ took up arms against the oppressors and fought back the tidal waves of bullshit.
Oh, and I agree that I should have given him some ideas. And yours actually weren't that bad. Maybe he could have been protected by the Astronomican....its still a bull-shit way...but hey, better than magically surviving the Warp. But I agree that I may have gone too far with the con-criting and not actually gave any help.
Oh, and one last thing, why all this hate thrown at me when all I did was answer your question about the Ultramarines?
1193622
D-dorns....Heresy?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowderp_flip.png
My god man now I love you.
And I never took anything personal, you had a very valid point and I wanted to tell you why I acted how I acted.
I asked that question at the end since i was bemused as to why you did this whole response after just answering your question about the stupid Ultrasmurfs.
And It IS a hard thing to pull, which is why I am also watching this to see how he can pull the rest of this off.
1193690
Please...dont remind me.
1192281 It's because the Ultramarines are the chapter no one (including myself) really genuinely LIKES, and thus instead of going with someone's favorite, I went with NOone's favorite to try to avoid causing squabbling. xP 'sides, they're THE generic Space Marine chapter. There's almost nothing that's true of their chapter that is untrue for another...save for the Space Wolves. Eff the codex, we shoot our bolters with one hand and grow out our hair...cuz that's how we roll, dawg.
Also, in response to everyone's still constructive criticism...I'll take everything that everypony has said into careful consideration. A big edit is coming before the next chapter. I was very tired and overeager when I wrote this, immediately before going to bed and then getting up to go to work. xD
Okay, I've tweaked the bit about "peace" in the warp. That was pretty laughable, as my now fully-waking mind can comprehend. And just to clarify...it was Twilight using magic, not the Spess Muhreen Poneh. He just tackled her to the ground. x3
Hey, HighRoller, is there gonna be a schedule to this or are just gonna update it as you finish each chapter?
1207197 I'm taking the Blizzard approach to completion of each chapter...it'll be done when it's done. ^.^ I might be able to adhere to a loose schedule once I get into the swing of writing again, but...yeah. xD
Not the weirdest thing Warp has done over the ages... but a space marine fainting from shock breaks my suspension of disbelief.
1474888 Well, my excuse is that he'd just come out of the warp and was adapting to his drastic physical changes, e.g. becoming a pony.
1192691 I think Uriel Ventris and Pasanius Lysane would disagree with you.
1197033 Honestly, I actually kind of like the Ultras so long as you take the Wardian fapfun out. If you look at them in, say, the Heresy, they really are the everyman Legion.