• Published 8th Nov 2020
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Great Battles in Equestrian History - Naughty_Ranko

A look at the most important battles in the history of Equestria ... and some of the less important ones, too.

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1001 AD - The Siege of District 7

Part of the Bureaucracy Wars

Date: Hearth’s Warming Eve 1001 AD

Location: Ponyville Post Office


· Equestrian Royal Mail Service / Carousel Crusader Coalition
· Golden Oaks Expeditionary Force
· Ponyville Irregulars

Commanders and Leaders:

· Superintendent Lickety Split / Mailmare 1st Class Derpy Hooves / Knight Commander Rarity Belle
· Warlock Twilight Sparkle / Lance Corporal Spike Drake
· Mayor Mare / Ponyville Herd Mentality

Strategic Background

A posting in the Equestrian Royal Mail Service has always been considered an inglorious but vitally important job. Tasked with bringing civilization to natives, these outposts are islands of modernity in the remote reaches of the country where superstition and fear of change are commonplace. The brave mares and stallions who man these posts are forever surrounded by potentially hostile natives and other dangers.

They remain the vanguard of the Equestrian military in its far flung border regions to this day. It attracts a certain kind of soldier, those who want to get away from their past, those who are not physically capable of serving in other branches of the Equestrian military or those who simply cannot resist the often romanticized call to adventure. The work is fraught with danger and the pay is miserable, but these ponies remain at the forefront of any potential conflict.

One such outpost is Postal District 7, more commonly known as the greater Ponyville area. One might be forgiven for thinking that, given its proximity to Canterlot, the district is a far cushier posting than, say, Dodge Junction or Appleloosa. That might have even been accurate for a time. However, the arrival of then Warlock (not yet princess) Twilight Sparkle a year prior and the subsequent fortification of Golden Oaks as a full military base had severely shaken the region’s previous equilibrium, and it wouldn’t take much to topple it completely.


Relations between District 7, Golden Oaks and the natives had been strained from the get-go. Citing outdated equipment, Warlock Sparkle began ordering new publications for the library in bulk almost immediately after she’d taken possession of the ancient base. (An archeological dig at the site is currently underway, digging up what is left after Tirek’s rampage. But the consensus among scholars is that Golden Oaks shows three distinct building phases, each linked to a different group occupying the site.)

This led to tensions with both other groups in the region. The Royal Mail saw vital supplies being diverted to a favorite of Princess Celestia Solaris while the indigenous ponies eyed the military build-up at this new fortress of knowledge with suspicion.

With Hearth’s Warming Eve around the corner, the Equestrian Royal Mail was already under severe pressure to keep up with greeting card and package sorties left and right. Imagine their consternation when the majority of their fighting force suddenly found themselves drafted in the pre-dawn hours of Hearth’s Warming Eve by Warlock Twilight Sparkle for a campaign of her own.

Superintendent Lickety Split found himself pleading with the Warlock to postpone the operation until after the current crisis had been resolved, but found his pleas falling on deaf ears, with Golden Oaks citing that “a delay could not be tolerated. It’s right here on my schedule, the times cross-referenced with the checklist. The winter shipment is coming.”

And Warlock Sparkle was no foal. She’d gotten Canterlot to sign off on ‘Operation Frost Dawn’ beforehoof, so the Equestrian Royal Mail was obliged to assist. With the amount of ponypower needed, the garrison at the Ponyville Post Office on Main Street was literally reduced to the last mare standing. That mare was Mailmare 1st Class Derpy Hooves who calmly manned her post in the face of overwhelming odds as the rest of the Equestrian Royal Mail Service moved out.


Through the cold morning mist, hoofsteps could be heard, sounding like war drums in the distance. Derpy Hooves flipped the sign at the door to “Open” with grim determination. The unorganized mob charged across the moat and was at the battlements almost immediately. More and more charged in as the morning progressed. Derpy Hooves soldiered on, the fighting motto of the Service on her lips: “Here you go, thank you. Next!” For each one dropping off or picking up a parcel, another three took their place.

Among them, an island of calm in the surging sea, was a certain Rarity Belle. Herself a native, she nonetheless had a regal bearing that set her apart from her peers, frowning yet not snapping at those who shoved and pushed as she made her way forward. Receiving a shipment of lace, she was the only one to utter a “thank you” to the lone defender of District 7 who gave her a nod and went on to pace the battlements from one pony to the next. It was clear that the center could not hold.

Her mane flowing in the chilly wind coming in through the double doors that was held open by the mass of ponies flowing through, Rarity Belle looked upon the battlefield, thinking for a moment that she could hear the whispers of Windigos on the breeze. Those were drowned out by increasingly irate shouts of ponies demanding to be served.

There is a longstanding myth of Lady Rarity being of the line of the Unicorn Kingdom, a direct descendant of Princess Platinum. While she herself has never claimed such and no records can prove that claim, it certainly would explain some of the more noble aspects of the Element of Generosity. “Sweetie Belle,” she said calmly to her young sister and squire, “go on home without me.”

Handing her own loot over to the filly, she scaled the battlements, stomped her hoof for attention and declared: “Anypony picking something up, that line!” She indicated Derpy’s position. “Everypony with something going out, over here!” Such was her commanding presence that the deluge of besiegers indeed split as she stood behind the counter and began stamping cards and packages in exchange for bits.

“This is not your battle,” Derpy Hooves declared, staring ahead grimly at her own task. “The paperwork will blot out the sky and blind you with the intensity of a thousand suns.”

Rarity, always prepared for a fashion emergency, produced a pair of sunglasses, put them on and grinned, uttering the immortal words: “Then we will fight with shades!”

Rarity did not see her sister flee the battlefield. If she had, she would have thought no less of her. A battle was no place for a filly, and although the number of defenders had doubled, prospects still looked bleak, until a new battle cry boomed across the field: “Cutie Mark Crusaders Postal Workers! Yay!”

Knight Commander Rarity’s chest swelled with pride as the three squires charged the battlements to help relieve the siege and saluted her. “Apple Bloom, help Derpy. Sweetie Belle, with me. Scootaloo, crowd control,” she barked her orders in a crisp, clear voice.

In that moment, the first knightly order since the Medieval Era was born, proving that even in modern times chivalry wasn’t dead. History has called them “The Knights of the Round Boutique” or the “Carousel Crusader Coalition,” the CCC for short. All they called themselves was “those helping out a friend.”

Over the course of the morning, the freshly knighted fillies grew into their roles. The Sweetie Support Company licked stamps and placed them on parcels hoofed over and addressed in Rarity’s beautiful hoofwriting. The Apple Artillery Corps bucked parcels towards those whose name Derpy Hooves called out, and the Scooter Cavalry sallied forth to keep the attackers in their corridors. It was a war of attrition, yet anytime one of the knights felt like they were losing heart, they looked to Derpy Hooves, the consummate professional who had chosen this duty and was pressing on with sheer pigheaded unwillingness to admit defeat. Before long, the Order adopted the fighting chant of the Equestrian Royal Mail: “Here you go, thank you. Next!”

The fighting went on past the scheduled lunch break. That’s when the 1st Draconic Scout Battalion of the Golden Oaks Expeditionary Force arrived on the scene. Word of the siege had gotten back to the main force. Lance Corporal Spike Drake had only been dispatched to reconnoiter the situation and report back. Those were his orders.

The excuse “I was just following orders” has sadly been used too often in military history. It has also been said that, for evil to triumph, all it takes is for good people to stand by and do nothing. That day, acting against orders and in a manner that foreshadowed his bravery in the Crystal Empire years later, Spike Drake chose not to stand idly by when he saw the Scooter Cavalry come under attack.

“Hey, back off, lady! No shoving!” Placing himself between the beleaguered knight and what turned out to be the matriarch of one of the wealthy local tribes, Spike Drake stood his ground.

“Excuse me?” Spoiled Rich asked. “Do you know who I am?”

“Yes,” the dragon growled and pointed. “You’re the mean lady who just shoved a filly. BACK OF THE LINE!”

Unaccustomed to being addressed in such a manner, the mare turned up her nose, huffed, but obeyed. Lance Corporal Drake then dragged the injured cavalry officer across enemy lines all the way back to the battlements and joined the defenders. In a move borne out of desperation, he jumped several levels of the chain of command and fired off a plea for assistance in magic fire. History records the message and its response as follows:

District 7 ERMS under siege. Will hold to the last. Plz forward following to District 1 ERMS.

– LC Spike Drake

The reply was curt:

Cnfrmd. Rdy 2 receive

– CinC

Upon receiving the confirmation, Spike wasted no time in opening a third front. “Everypony with outgoing mail for Canterlot, this line right here!”

And now the fellowship forged in battle was complete as Spike began to receive parcels, letters and seasonal greeting cards and sending them off towards their destination in brilliant dragon fire. After emergency treatment (a band-aid,) the cavalry sallied forth once more, delivering a pack of antacids for the dragon. The faintest of nods passed between dragon and pegasus as it was hoofed over in passing.

Knight Commander Rarity recalled years later that she could still hear the faint noises of Windigos on the wind, perhaps the best evidence we have for her being of Princess Platinum’s blood. But those sounds were drowned out by the combined battle cries of the defenders more and more.


1800 hours sharp, the last package was hoofed over to Spoiled Rich who acquitted the receipt with a derisive snort. The sign at the door was flipped to “Closed” by Derpy Hooves and applauded with tired stomping by the Knights of the Round Boutique as well as a thumbs-up by the 1st Draconic Scout Battalion. Mailmare 1st Class Derpy Hooves silently came to attention and saluted her comrades in arms, offering thanks on behalf of the Equestrian Royal Mail Service and dismissing them from their posts.

The Siege of District 7 was over.


Upon being relieved from their posts, the knightly order wanted nothing more than to return home and get a good night’s sleep. However, the group was waylaid by one final group of natives. These were not out for a fight and came in peace, inviting the order to a feast. Getting reassurances from the CCC about the genuineness of the offer, Derpy and Spike agreed to come along. The group was led to the native village’s market place where a celebration had been set up which was called a “shindig” in the native tongue and seated in a place of honor at a round table.

Many caramel apples, cookies, pies and spiced cider were heaped upon the heroes by the grateful native population. The stalwart defense of District 7’s base had earned a grudging respect, and the willingness of other Ponyville natives to stand flank to flank with the defenders had sealed the deal.

The crowd then hushed when Warlock Sparkle appeared at the feast, followed by the rest of the Equestrian Royal Mail contingent. A tense silence hung in the air, and some among the crowd even feared another flare-up of hostilities. It was Spike Drake who rose from the round table and prevailed upon everyone to keep their heads cool and to at least hear out his commanding officer.

This display of chivalry, putting the reputation he’d just earned on the line for another, appealed to the population and his request was granted. Warlock Twilight Sparkle stepped in front of the village elder Mayor Mare.

To everypony’s surprise, what followed was not the bluster of imperialist conquerors that so pervades history in other nations, but a heartfelt apology for the troubles caused (which she’d only just learned about) with a bowed head.

Furthermore, Warlock Sparkle announced the result of her campaign with the main force of the post office staff, which amounted to 100 books ranging from children’s to educational to entertainment literature being donated to the local hospital and a waiving of library fees for any foal below a certain age wanting to check out books from Golden Oaks for the purpose of learning. This constituted Twilight Sparkle’s “Hearth’s Warming Gift to my new home.”

Being of the mushy, if panicky, variety of natives, this overture finally won the natives over for good. Twilight Sparkle and Lickety Split joined the Carousel Crusaders at the round table and the remaining Royal Mail staff were seated and served. A good time was had by all, carols were sung, and Knight Commander Rarity reported no further signs of Windigos.

Result: Mailed In Coalition Victory

Territorial Changes: One empty plot of land ceded by Ponyville’s Zoning Commission to the Equestrian Royal Mail for the construction of a bigger post office

Casualties and losses:

· 12 papercuts combined on both sides
· 6 bottles of water consumed by those on stamp-licking detail over the course of the fighting
· Spike’s temper when he was asked to send one final letter that day containing the lesson learned to Princess Celestia
· 2 muffins from Derpy’s lunch basket which had gone stale by the time the siege was lifted
· The spirits of the Cutie Mark Crusaders at the realization of not getting their cutie marks (which made a miraculous recovery the very next day as they came up with their latest scheme)


To sally forth – to leave a safe place in a brave or confident way in order to do something difficult

To reconnoiter – to get information about an area or the size and position of enemy forces

CinC – Commander in Chief