So after my little mishap and regaining my senses I was lead to the local library. It was in a tree. A fricking tree. “ soooo… sparkles do you think If the tree was alive that it would be happy housing the corpses of its fallen brethren?”
“WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT???”
“hmmmmm… simple curiosity?”
Meanwhile in the background I could hear rainbow laughing up a storm but I don’t know why. Although I swear I heard between the guffaws and haha’s the name sparkles come from her.
“well I would like to think that the tree is happy protecting the precious tomes within.”
“HOWDY KIDS HOW IT HANGIN?”
I did not scream at the sound of the asshole that brought me and you can’t prove anything.
“ YOU BASTARD!!!!!! WHAT THE HE---”
“hey all I did was send you on your vacation as I said. Not my fault you failed to read the fine print.” As he said that he brought out a contract that looked to be written in crayon by a 3 year old on a slab of wet lasagna. “see article 7 subsection 3-2. Any being making a deal with one discord is subject to dimensional tomfoolery at the whims of said deity.”
I took the contract and looked at it. I read every noodle till I looked up with a resigned expression. “huh so it does. Well I guess I should just be glad your whim at the time wasn’t the dead space series.”
“Oh please, give me some credit. I did ask if you wanted a vacation not adventure.” Says the assumed reason for me being here.
I sigh. At this point I find the need to argue leave me and for some reason it had a tribly hat and suitca-“ ok ‘discord’ that’s enough. I see the point and should have thought more before accepting an offer like that from someone I just met. Honestly I don’t have any more ability to handle this right now. Booksmart, you got a room for me to crash?”
As both dash and discord are putting themselves back together (in discords’ case that was meant literally) twilight glares at me with such animosity I think she might be imagining my death. “Why do you keep calling me those names? ‘sigh’ whatever come on I’ll show you to the guestroom.”
“don’t worry about it. It’s a staple to dimension travel to test the waters on here the line is.” I follow her to the top of the stairs
“really? Are you seriously expecting me to believe that?” I merely chuckled at her question without responding. “I really hope you don’t try that with Celestia. I might actually think you are mental.”
“who? And why are you assuming I’m mental just because I want to have fun? Wait don’t answer. That explains so much about you.”
“HEY! I am fun… RAINBOW IF YOU DON’T STOP LAUGHING I WILL SOAK ALL OF YOUR WONDERBOLT MEMORABILIA IN THE LAKE!!!!!” The look on rainbows face when that was said told me it either has happened or twilight makes good on her threats. She stopped immediately and looked so put out, like a puppy that was left in the rain.
"Anyway you can stay here for now. but, I would suggest seeing about a job while you are here."
"I guess that's reasonable. I don't like to mooch and sitting around all day seems a waste to me."
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srry i havent responded sooner but thx. i have alot of ideas and i now see how one story could fall to the wayside by other authors lol its difficult trying to stay on target with one when three more pop up in ur mind im goin to try to finish this one first to see if i can be a good writer before picking up my other ideas tho
Well for a first, I think it's not bad, you seem to have a good writing base, but the pacing of the story feels very frantic, which can be mostly explained by two of your major issues in your writing, which could help slow it down a bit. Fist is that you just seem to have punctuation issues which it could really use a lot, it's more of a lack of experience your part but a text to speech program could help you with telling when you need to put a comma, I like to use Balabolka, it's a free text to speech program that helps me in my own writing even when I do art. As for the second you characters feel some what stilted, with the dialoged, and what it would need a is a little descriptor on how it is said or explain the rational behind it as well as their actions; here is a quick example:
I hope it helps a little good luck also if you are ever interested here is some of my art work.
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I appreciate the idea of text to speech and have used those in the past but my problem with that is I fumble over words so much and even thinking of using that type of program fills me with a dread that has not been seen since the time and tale of Davy Jones lol. and as for the punctuation I, was never really good at knowing where they belong but I hope that doesn't detract from the story too much.
yes that comma is there on purpose as a little humor on my part enjoy