“Cloud Shroud…” Ken thought to himself. “That’s my name. It’s the most perfectly stupid name for a nobody no one cares about. So I better get used to it. Now that I’m a creature of the sky, what better way to blend in with the crowd than to be a loser like Cloud.”
Cloud Shroud did not find it overly difficult getting used to his new name like he thought. From his perspective, Ken was no one special, and neither was Cloud. If he was going to live a solitary life under an alias, why not make being furtive every day easier on himself?
Not that working at Rainbow Dash’s weather factory was exactly arduous. The management was lenient and the workflow was regularly easy to keep up with, granted that he had prior experience working a job with less competent management and a more demanding work environment. Co-workers, on the other hand, were a surprisingly different story.
In his human life as Ken, Cloud had an easy time avoiding drama with troublesome characters and acting as if he was really engaged in friendly, yet uninspiring conversations with amiable people when he wasn’t. But ponies were a different case. While he never felt that any human ever cared about him sitting by himself in the break room and eating the same food every day, even as some were bound to find it odd, he always felt that every pony viewed this routine as not only unnatural, but deserving of distrust.
All he ever needed to tell any human who happened to be curious about his behavior was that he had autism, or that he was simply an introvert. But with ponies, it felt like every day, the awkward glares they were giving him were becoming more and more oppressive, more and more committed to reminding him of the fact that he had something to hide and couldn’t fool them. Eventually, somepony who had been bothered by this behavior from the very beginning decided it was time to see if they could drag out whatever he had to keep from them…
“Heh heh heh…” Billy, a brown pegasus with white hair, chuckled. “There he is. I had a feeling he’d be there from what she told us about his usual spot…”
He and his two friends, Hoops, an orange pegasus with brown hair, and Score, a gray pegasus with black hair, had just gotten off work at the weather factory and were looking for Cloud Shroud. Not wanting to find themselves on the manager’s list by doing what they were about to do on the job, they opted to wait until now to put their plan in action. They flew over to a black cloud Cloud had been trying to nap on before the approaching trio caught his attention.
“Hmm?” Cloud thought as he sat up and turned his head towards them, confused as they landed on a flatter surface of cloud with more space nearby. “I recognize these three. I’ve never done anything to bother them, but my gut tells me they’re not here for anything good…”
“Well, well, well…” Billy said snarkily.
“We’ve found out where our mystery stallion gets his name from!” Hoops taunted in delight. “He shrouds himself in mystery with a cloud!”
The three laughed in unison.
“What’s it to you?” Cloud retorted. “Why do you care about what I’m doing?”
“Ask just about everyone else.” Billy answered. “We all think that what you’re doing is weird, and that goes for what you’re not doing too! Sitting by yourself every day, never so much as even looking another pony’s way, always reacting in the most mundane way every time an accident happens at work, goofily smiling to yourself when nothing’s funny, talking in your slee-”
“Shush!” Hoops exclaimed, interrupting his partner with a nudge.
Unfortunately, it was too late. Cloud was already picking up on something…
“Pony culture is definitely different from human culture,” he thought, “but even ponies don’t just randomly go up to someone who’s never bothered them and start critiquing their character...”
In spite of what he suspected, Cloud chose to attack the situation from a different angle…
“So what do you want me to do about it?” he countered. “Why should I care if it bothers you? Why should I care if others don’t like me for being myself? I meet the demands for productivity, my supervisor tells me on more than one occasion that I do a good job, what else matters? I don’t think you actually believe work is about holding hands and singing happy songs with co-workers who don’t care whether you live or die. But then again, maybe you do.”
“Why you-let me at ‘em, let me at ‘em!” Score, the one who didn’t talk, was saying in his mind as he flailed his forelegs about. Hoops was holding him down.
“Settle down!” he told his other partner. “I got this!”
“I hope you don’t believe we didn’t come here prepared for the classic “I don’t care” comeback that went out of style years ago!” Hoops proclaimed confidently, sneering. “Because we’re going to give you something to care about...heh heh heh…”
He pulled out a tape recorder, which certainly caught Cloud’s attention.
“Yes, this was our final push to confront you.” he explained. “A little birdie told us you say some pretty wacky stuff to yourself. Stuff so out of this world, they just couldn’t resist recording it to prove they weren’t just full of hot air. I’m sure you know what’s on this tape…”
Cloud gulped, continuing to stare at them in silence as he tensed up.
“You have a terrible poker face and we’re not bluffing ourselves.” Billy chimed in to keep the pressure on him. “We know what’s on this tape, how could we resist listening to it ourselves? Humans, windigos, and shadows, oh my! You even do different voices for your imaginary friends! And while we admire your passion for at least one thing, what we kind of already figured out is abundantly clear now...you’re cracked up.”
“What do you plan to do with that tape?” Cloud asked angrily, shooting them a stern glare, a green light flashing momentarily in his eyes...
“We haven’t played it for anyone else yet…” Hoops answered. “But just imagine what would happen if we played this for your boss!”
Recognizing his job as his new comfort zone, Cloud felt an unbridled rage come over him. The cocky smiles of the taunting trio soon faded, fear coming over them once they felt a hostile aura exude from Cloud. His eyes turned green, exuding purple haze, a shadowy aura surrounded him, and then, for a split-second as he responded with a bellow…
“YOU WOULD DARE TRY TO GET ME FIRED?!”
They thought they could see a Windigo flash beside him like a bolt of lightning. It didn’t even matter to them whether or not it was real...it gave them an icy-cold stare that literally chilled them to the bone.
“Plan B, Plan B!” they frantically exclaimed in their heads.
“Dude, we were just joking, relax!” Hoops cried, feigning innocence.
Cloud calmed down, his eyes returning to normal and his aura receding as he decided to give them a slight benefit of the doubt.
“We just wanted to see if we could get some kind of reaction out of you for a change, that’s all!”
“And it worked, ha ha!” Billy interjected derisively to keep up the act.
“Ha ha ha, yeah, we all had a good laugh…” Cloud sarcastically remarked, irritated. “I’m calling your bluff, especially after what you said about me having a terrible poker face! You wouldn’t think twice about playing that tape for someone just to spite me!”
The three had looks of guilt on their face after hearing that.
“In the worst-case scenario that you do get me fired, I can always find a job somewhere else.” Cloud continued, trying to maintain control of the situation. “I doubt what I can explain as a minor mental disorder will be enough to have me blacklisted. But do you really expect me to believe you’d burden yourselves with the guilt of getting a guy you don’t even know fired just because he acts a little loopy? At the very least, I suspected you were lying. Yet I went along with it and lost my cool. And do you know why?”
“Why?” Billy asked, he and his friends feeling confused.
“Because…” Cloud began his answer with a stoic look on his face that abruptly turned into a big, goofy smile as he finished what he was going to say.
“I’m not as much of a goody-goody two shoes as I look. I like a good opportunity to blow off some steam.”
Billy, Hoops, and Score were astonished. Before now, they had honest distaste for Cloud under the impression that he had been trying to fool everyone around him into thinking he was a perfect angel. Now, however, Cloud had admitted for the first time in his own way that he was no better than anyone else. He didn’t avoid others because he hated them...he was just doing what he was used to doing...being himself. This didn’t mean there was nothing wrong with his ways though...and when the three looked down at the tape recorder, they all had the same thought despite their change of heart about Cloud…
“It’s obvious he’s not actually aware of what’s on this tape…”
Meanwhile, down below on the ground, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were walking through the picnic area where Dash had first met Cloud and having a conversation about him…
“So what is he like?” Fluttershy asked curiously. “What does he do when he’s around you?”
“Wouldn’t I like to know.” Rainbow answered, annoyed. “The guy’s been staying at my place for two weeks now and it’s like finding out my house is haunted! He never says a word to me about what he likes to do, never mentions anything unique that’s happened to him, always shuts himself in the attic, and every night since he’s been over, I’ve had a hard time getting to sleep!”
“Why’s that?” Fluttershy questioned. “Does he snore?”
“No, admittedly, that’s more up my alley.” Rainbow confessed, rolling her eyes. “But honestly, I’d rather him do that than open my attic window every night. Whenever he does that, I feel this unsettling cold breeze roll in that makes me feel like I’m being...watched.”
“Oh my…” Fluttershy reacted with concern. “That’s a terrible feeling to have come over you, especially when you’re just trying to sleep. I’m really sor-”
“Hold that thought!” Rainbow exclaimed, interrupting her as she saw Billy, Hoops, and Score descending on the grassy field ahead. “My scouts have returned! Let’s see what they got from our little friend before he could take his cat nap!”
Fluttershy groaned, putting her hoof to her face in response to Rainbow’s hypocrisy. As Rainbow excitedly rushed over to greet her henchmen, Fluttershy half-heartedly followed, slowly trotting behind her.
“So what did you get out of him?” Rainbow asked the trio.
As the three relayed to her what happened, the expression on Fluttershy’s face grew angrier...
“His reaction was...more interesting than we expected.” Billy answered. “We didn’t anticipate the usual taunts to yield any results outside of simple sarcastic remarks, but the way he got angry with us after we busted out the tape recorder was a complete surprise. His eyes got all weird...and for a split-second, I thought I could see a Windigo…”
“What?!” a shocked Rainbow responded. “Are you suggesting that he actually…”
“We’re just telling you what happened.” Hoops affirmed. “It’s not all craziness that we got out of him. Once he calmed down, we saw a completely different side to him. We really feel now that he’s not as untrustworthy as he seems. However, that silver lining was offset by the fact that he doesn’t know just how damning this tape you made is…”
“Oh yeah, I feel kind of bad for him now…” Rainbow replied, feeling concerned as Fluttershy was literally shaking with anger. “That tape would not just cost him his job, I wish. Imagine if we played that for the princesses…”
“THAT’S ENOUGH!” Fluttershy hollered furiously. “Rainbow Dash, I can’t BELIEVE YOU! How can you EXPLOIT ponies like this?!”
“What?” Rainbow replied bemusedly, shrugging. “I gave them bits for their help.”
“That’s not the issue!” Fluttershy continued to rebuke her. “The problem is that you used them to do something so underhoofed as to bully your roommate after you spied on him, collecting dirt on him like a blackmailer!”
“We never intended to blackmail him!” Rainbow proclaimed in her defense. “The tape was just part of a test!”
“Oh, really?” Fluttershy replied facetiously with a smirk. “Then perhaps you wouldn’t mind destroying the tape. Because you don’t need it for anything else now, right?”
“.....” Rainbow had a long, nervous pause before she finally spoke up.
“Fluttershy...I think you need to hear what’s on this tape-”
“AND NOW YOU’RE ASKING ME TO BE COMPLICIT IN THIS?!” Fluttershy bellowed, fuming with rage. “Celestia as my witness, Rainbow Dash, if you ever, EVER, use that tape to blackmail that poor stallion, our friendship is OVER!”
Fluttershy stormed off angrily in a huff. Billy, Hoops, and Score had no idea what to say as a small tear came out of Rainbow’s eye. She really did have no intent to blackmail Cloud with the tape or hurt him.
“Part of me thinks he’s just crazy…” Rainbow thought despondently. “But even if that’s what’s wrong with him, I just want to help him...especially when I’m getting more of a premonition he’s possessed by an evil force that’s threatening Equestria…”
Meanwhile, the Windigos, who were watching the scene unfold from above near a sleeping Cloud Shroud’s cloud, were snickering to themselves.
“What a bunch of dopes…” Aero mocked them. “They’re falling for our trap like a ton of bricks…”
“The hate growing inside of the yellow one is already a great thing to savor…” Aera said with pleasure. “But the self-hate the blue one is starting to develop...oh, it’s like watching a cherry ripen…”
“We aren’t even close to the main course yet…” Aeros remarked, turning to Cloud and smiling sinisterly. “And our good friend here has no idea how much he’s already helped us...even as we told him our plan…”
The day before...
“So how exactly are you guys going to get the ponies to understand your hate?” Cloud had asked. “What is me talking to them going to do if they don’t even know you?”
“You’ll see in due time.” Aeros had answered. “How you will inevitably stir up the enmity within their hearts and create for them a new world where they can not question our hate. For soon, you shall know the kind of darkness that haunts even Equestria’s rulers…it’s already inside of you...”
Now...
Cloud began to sink into his own cloud forebodingly, as the same shadow from before appeared...
...not beside him, but beside Princess Luna, who was sitting at a desk in the room of royal records.
“No need to explain.” Luna said bluntly, sensing the shadow. “I know the truth…”
Hum, his situation sort of reminds me of myself before I joined I discovered Fimfiction over six years ago, depressing times, always being negative, always being cynical, always being suspicious of everyone intent around me, those were, all to avoid my own feelings that I numbs for myself for so long and never admitted that I had. And then I read The Dream that Wasn't here on Fimfition, made me realize that I wasn't the only one who thought that way too, but also that I was denying parts of myself, a pain of loneliness that I had to shut myself off in order to go one, preventing to feel the full experience of what life has to offer, because I didn't realize did that anymore. Being Autistic myself like the character I can certainly certainly share the feeling of having coworkers how don't seem to see me as a weirdo, and other not so kind words or that they don't seem to want to get to know you. Part of it I would say it's the cause by a vicious cycle of body language, where if you are suspicious or defensive with people your tone and body langue will reflect that wither you want to or not even if you are not consciously aware of that, and that you can't just switch it off to reverse the trend it's all a question of how you see yourself and the people around you and that needs a good environment where you feel like you are doing something fulfilling in your life and that you can feel that people with turn on your on a dime.
I think that is reflected by the recording of Hoops from Shroud that reflect that pervasive fear of anything you say out of line will be turned against you, and you have to watch and moderate every action you make around people, before anyone can turned them against you by any careless words I might say; it's so exhausting and restrictive which doesn't do any favored for my state of mind and it's hard to let go. And that Shroud just seem to create an aura of suspicion around him cause by the Windigos power he was created with and is affecting the perception of him from those around him.
Still, I do get that Shroud is a concentrated ball frustration and resentment form his old life, and why he would be the perfect tool for the Windigos end. Normally I think RP would know better in what is acceptable thing to do in helping a newcomer in how to feel welcome, through she is generally inconstant and often unaware of how her careless actions can make things worst then what she had intended, I am not sure what she was hoping to get out of this with the Hoop's help. Shy was certainly right in pointing that out what RD did and can understand Shroud being very defensive around others because he is afraid of rejection from risking to open up to everyone. Still, RD might also be right in wanting to point how his words or mannerisms might put ponies off and just wants him to be aware of it, as misguided as it might be.
looking forward to the next chapter
Personally I think the pacing is too fast, the idea is good, usually there would be build up, describe how he convinced RD to let him bunk, explain her thoughts for the first few weeks and let it flow, its like your skipping how parts of a storing going from A to C, and the foreshadowing is a little too obvious.
The Idea of a human avenging the windingo, while being possessed by Sombra, entering the frozen North to kill a frost demon, while have Bruce banner levels of anger, is a nice idea. Just explain things a little slower else readers will get disinterested, because the ending will start to become too obvious, maybe hold back on giving the ice demons name at the very start, make the windingo seem more spiteful of the fact they have to let their long awaited revenge be done by a hairless ape who has no reason to help, other than understanding their hate, being hate-filled themselves, and enticed by immortality.
Make your character more interesting by foreshadowing a terrible event in their youth, and give small bits about what happened. As of this chapter the character seems like a Gary-Stu, he's immortal with the power of Sombra the backing of the windingo, and has a unjust personality.
Sorry if you take the criticism as pessimistic, or spiteful, but I simply see a lot of wasted potential, thank you.
10474642
I understand that you're only two chapters in, but in Chapter 4, it actually is shown that Cloud went through trauma as a youth that disturbs him to this day. While the pacing seems fast now, many things in this story are slowly developed and built up over time, like with a twist that is revealed by Chapter 4. I simply didn't feel that an explanation of why Rainbow Dash would let him bunk with her was necessary because RD had already shown in Chapter 1 that she wanted to help the guy get a job as he explained to her he was a drifter looking for a place to settle down, implying he also needed shelter.
There also seem to be fundamental plot points and character conflicts you are misunderstanding when you speak of the character being a "Gary Stu" having to take revenge on a demon for the Windigos, that's not the plot of the story at all. The Windigos' goal, not Cloud's, is an intentional mystery at this moment in the story. Cloud has no interest in taking revenge for anyone. Chapter 1 explained that the demon was already defeated and Cloud has no control over any of their plans, being a stooge who is essentially also their hostage. He knows he's being used as a pawn by them but doesn't care so long as he doesn't have to change the pattern of his everyday life. His character flaws are the fact that he's clearly mentally ill, extremely antisocial, and not at all like a hero. Such flaws are clearly displayed in this chapter as well as in subsequent chapters. As for him being "immortal", Cloud suspects such a thing to be, in his own words, "beyond too good to be true" in the first chapter. I can't explain further because I don't want to spoil how that ties in with a major theme of the story, but if my foreshadowing was really so obvious, that wouldn't have slipped past you.
Please don't take this counter-criticism as an attack. I'm glad you at least explained what you didn't like.
10474824
I see what you mean, but I find a hole in you counter criticism, If the ice demon has already been defeated then what would the windingo’s goal be, or excuse for recruiting the protagonist, if the demon is already defeated then there would be no reason to recruit him, unless it were to get them their own physical bodies or punish the defendants, or princesses that failed to protect and forsake them. Not saying you should tell their secret plan, but the windingo should at least come up with a good cover story.
Second while the RD bunking is unnecessary, it would assist in the world building, would you really think the vanilla RD would hire goons to threaten a pony she barely knew simply cause of her sixth sense for danger alerting her to his true nature, she’s a great flyer, arrogant, a potential black belt, and allowing a drifter she just meet doesn’t sound too odd in this setting, however she’s not what I would call observant, unless the protagonist is speaking word for word his thoughts while sleeping, I doubt she would be able to notice for a while, especially from another room.
Also while FS has been working on her confidence, she is still the embodiment of kindness, so her outburst seems OOC (out of character), I think she would be more disappointed in her childhood friend, rather than scream that their friendship is over simply because of a mistake.
Last two, RD in spite of her arrogance is aware that a certain librarian is smarter than her so I think she would be more likely to talk to her smartest friend rather than employ a bunch of goons (though that wouldn’t be too OOC for RD), although if she had a recording of the protagonist sleep talk then she would likely take to TS for decoding of what the sleepy gibberish means, or simply out of laziness.
Nice rebuttal about my earlier critique btw.
P.s. Pegasi should have a natural resistance to cold, but I assume windingo cold is more supernatural.