The Many Lives of a Dead Moth

by BCS

Rationalization

His feelings hurt and his chest tight, he ran and ran and ran wherever his legs would carry him. Eventually, Cryptic became tired. His calves ached, his gluteus maximus was cramping, and he began to drag his hooves. Wherever he was now along the path, there he was.

Cryptic stopped and saw a cute little bench. He decided to take a rest there- at the same time that another pony was about to sit down.

"Oh, sorry," he said, wiping away a tear from his face.

"What's wrong?" the tired-looking yellow pony asked. "You can sit there. I'll stand."

"Okay," he said gratefully and plopped down. "I think there might be enough room for both of us?"

"Scooch over then."

He scooched.

"So what's your name?" the mare asked in a pleasant dulcet voice that had the clarity of a bell. He felt something from talking to her, like a warmth inside him ready to fill him up. Or maybe that was the alcohol starting to take effect. Could be that too. He had drank it on an empty stomach.

"So, um, you look winded and out of breath too. What's got you down?"

"Oh, my wife is a real handful."

"Oh, you're married?"

"Happily," she added. "Just in case."

"Oh, I wasn't thinking of you like that."

She shrugged complacently, not particularly bothered one way or the other. "Can't be too careful. What's your name?"

"Cryptic," he answered. She tried to check out his cutie mark without being too obvious about it. He glanced at hers.

"So you like candy?" he guessed.

She shook her head. "It's about how I bring out the sweetness in others. My name is Bon-Bon. What does yours mean?"

His empty memories and foul-feeling fucked up the whole question for him.

"I'm really good at breaking hearts," he lied. "And I'm a stranger here. I'm new to this place."

She nodded and accepted the lie without questioning it. "You're very good-looking. I can see why. And you say you're visiting from far away lands?"

"Thank you. And yes."

He stared blankly at the sky, digesting everything that happened in the past hour or so. Trixie was too forceful and he wanted Starlight now, but she only wanted Sunburst, who only wanted Twilight (whoever that was)...

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"You don't want them," Cryptic deadpanned. "No one wants to be saddled with this."

"Heh, saddled."

"I'm serious!"

"I know," and she looked deeply into his eyes. "What's bothering you?"

"Did your wife ever cheat on you?" he asked.

Bon-Bon gasped in shock. "What brought that up?"

"Stuff."

Bon-Bon sat in shocked silence, just turning things over. Finally, she spoke up.

"Yeah. This alien monkey came to our town. He really liked bananas. She got a crush on him and slept with him one night. It took me a long time to get over it, actually."

There was a long pause.

"I'm still not over it."

Cryptic held a hoof to his chest, feeling his heart hammering. He winced. "And how do you let go of that pain?"

"You don't. You just learn to accept the hurt and that it happened. Then you try and move on."

"And that works?"

"Time heals all wounds."

Cryptic took a deep, pained breath. His chest ached from crying so much, on and off, and his throat and eyes burned. "When?"

Bon-Bon laughed and patted his shoulder. "Well, not that quickly! You have to try to consciously let go of the pain each and every day and forgive that person who hurt you."

How long would that take, he wondered.

As if she could hear him, she said, "And that can take years."

He just made a noncommittal noise of acknowledgement. He got up from the bench.

"Where are you going?"

"Back to the place I'm staying."

"Home?"

Hesitation.

"Yes. There."

Bon Bon trotted after him for a couple steps. "Wait... I can tell you more. Come sit a little longer. I think that maybe hearing it could help you. I didn't mean to just offer useless platitudes. So, please, come listen to me a little longer."

Cryptic sat back down on that bench with Bon Bon, and Bon Bon leaned closer, as if they were close friends, greatly lowering her voice conspiratorially. She began humming to herself, almost like a kind of lullaby.

"You see, you are not the only stranger here. Once upon a time, a strange alien appeared on our shores and he, too, remembered nothing. Lyra became completely fascinated with him. We gave him bananas because he resembled a monkey, just with no hair. Rarity made him clothes and it was like I completely stopped existing to her. Sometimes, she didn't even come home for the night and offered no excuses. She'd come home reeking of sex with her hair all messed up. I knew what was going on, I just didn't want to call her on it and risk ruining what little I did have. I was terrified she would leave me for him."

Bon Bon took a deep breath and tears began leaking from her eyes. She wiped them away painfully, as if the very action of turning her head was painful. She sniffled a bit.

"But me and Lyra, all that? We never gave up. I never gave up on her, even when she lost her mind and self-control and strayed and she never gave up on me. Eventually, that person left again and she came crawling back, begging me for forgiveness. I could have been cruel then and hurt her, but I didn't. I hugged her and I told her that I loved her and that I would always be there for her and she was my very best friend. And, eventually, months turned into years and now it's just something we avoid at the dinner table or joke about. So, I guess what I'm saying is, you can get there too."

Unexpectedly, Cryptic reached out to hug Bon Bon and gave her a tight squeeze.

"Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounded very personal."

"It was. And I'm leaving out a lot."

"I bet," he said. He adjusted some stray hairs of her mane that drifted out of place. She smiled at him and it was like a bomb went off in his brain. Her smile changed then and she leaned in closer to him.

He backed up suddenly. "Uh!?"

"Oh... sorry... your eyes glittered for a moment. It was kind of strange so I tried to get a better look."

"I'm sure it's nothing," Cryptic said, but at the same time, starting to feel like he was lying. This reminded him of when he became overcome with Starlight Glimmer and he didn't really like that feeling... feeling totally out of control, like something else was riding him or controlling him and his actions. It was like he was starving and he would do anything for a candy or something.

"Good talk. Hope to see you around, Miss Bon Bon. Good luck with your marriage!"

He found himself leaving in a hurry again, scarcely able to catch his breath. So much to think about. Why were people almost throwing themselves at him and why did he feel so attracted to different people... ? Couldn't he just pick one person and commit to it instead of needlessly complicating it...?

Cryptic found a shady hedge and hid behind it, trying and failing at not pulling his hairs out one by one in frustration. The little sting came like a cure for his anxiety. Each little sting a reminder of all his failures and insecurities.

"Buck up, buck up, buck up," he told himself. "You've got to go back and face the music with both Trixie and Starlight and ask them to forgive your impetuousness. Just blame it on something! They'll believe you! No, no lying... Lying is bad..."

Muttering to himself, he continued the long trek back to home, whatever that was now.

Author's Note:

This one took quite a while to write and I had to really struggle with some personal demons.

Comments

[Changeling404]

Starflight Glimmer comes along a mysterious pony with amnesia... but there seems to be more to him than meets the eye...

[BCS]

10238758

Why Starflight?

Did I make a typo?