Guitarist in Equestria
Chapter 2 - Where the buck am I?
“Ugh...why is it so bright...” I manage to say despite how much pain I am currently in.
“Hey guys. It looks like he is awake” says a creepily familiar voice.
Now where have I heard that voice before. I swear it sounds familiar. My body aches so bad. I must be in a hospital but where...
I succeed in opening my eyes, but what I see makes me shut them again.
“Don’t be scared mister, we ain’t gonna’ hurt ya.”
I knew it, I’m in Equestria. Oh dear celestia... I think as I have no clue what do next, until it hits me...
“WHERE’S MY STUFF!” I yell as I jolt upright catching a full view of the mane six, all of them were staring at me as if I had just drank 10 energy drinks... Concern...
:”It’s over there” as Twilight sparkle points near the window I see all of my stuff the same way I left it.
“Thank Celestia...” I say lazily as I plop right back into the resting position I was previously laying in. Holy crap, I’m in equestria. I guess now I have to make a name for myself otherwise the ponies will get suspicious I think trying to make up a name for myself...
How about Pick Strings...? maybe I don’t know I keep thinking about random stuff when one of the ponies say (in one of the most quiet voice I might add...) “Um mister, what is your name? You know if you don’t mind me asking...”
Well, moment of truth time... Oh no what if they get suspicious, WHAT IF THEY DON’T LIKE ME! I panic as everyone is still staring at me (and when people are staring or paying lots of attention to me I get really shy...) oh no not staring... they might as well call me shy strings.. hmm, Shy Strings...
“My name is Shy strings.” I say as quietly as I can.
“Excuse me darling, but could you say that one more time a bit louder.” Rarity asks
When I’m about to say it the second time I see fluttershy looking at me with the cutest damn smile you will ever see. I try to look away from fluttershy but I just can’t, until she speaks up and says “His name is Shy Strings”
Both Fluttershy and I are smiling at each other.
Everyone, and I mean everyone in that room was now looking at Fluttershy and me with D’awwww faces, this makes me blush up as red as an apple.
I hear footsteps or should I say hoofsteps approaching the door, turns out it’s the doctor. In fact... that’s that same doctor from that episode where rainbow dash reads daring do...
“Alright mister” exclaimed the doctor “You don’t seem to have any records here, or as a matter of fact anywhere. We checked Canterlot medical patient archives and you weren’t in there
.”
Crap Sam think, I can’t lie because then Applejack will get suspicious. Come on! think think! THINK
“ Um, well I am a traveling guitar player and this is kinda’ my first time I have been in more than one spot this long” Nice sam, that sure saved you there hopefully he doesn’t ask more questions like that...
“Alright, but now comes the matter of payment” Says the doctor with a still a smile plastered on his face...
I’M BUCKED.
“Don’t worry, Doctor I will take care of it. I mean come on, we find a pony outside the everfree forest burned having no money at all or clear sense of where he is at. The least we could do is pay for his hospital fees and let him sleep in the guest bed at the library for a few days” Says twilight, Wow these ponies really are nice
“Is that ok with you Strings, if I can call you that.”
“Yes Twilight you can call me Strings, I would be very grateful if you would do that.”
“Alright, I guess you are free to go then! oh and about those burn on your back just keep that bandage on for I would say a good 3 weeks” Exclaims the doctor with one of the most genuine doctor smiles.
“Alright Doc.”
And that’s when Pinkie Pie happened...
“ OH WOW A NEW PONY I’M GONNA HAVE TO THROW YOU A PARTY, IT’LL BE CALLED THE “ HEY YOU JUST GOT DUMPED IN THE EVERFREE FOREST WITH BURNS ON YOUR BACK AND GOT TO PONYVILLE PARTY”
“... pinkie”
“ IT’S GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN, YOU AND ME PARTYING ALL NIGHT LONG AND DRINKING HOT SAUCE AND EATING CUPCAKES “
Something struck the wrong chord in my brain when she said "cupcakes"...
“PINKIE!” I shouted as loud as I could physically muster.
“Pinkie you can throw me a party can we just do it later today, I kinda’ want to get all set up at twilight’s tree.”
OH BUCK.
“How did you know I lived in a tree?” She said maliciously, everypony back to staring at me.
Think brain, you got this AND WHAT’S WITH ALL THE THINKING TODAY! hmm......... I got it!
“Who hasn’t heard of Twilight Sparkle the mare that owns a tree library and saved the world of Equestria twice...” I said with a smirk
smirk... Oh no... what happened to george?!?!
“Oh that’s tru-”
“Twilight.”
“Yes?”
“Was there anypony else that was with me when you found me?" I asked wondering if my best freind was still alive.
“No, why was there someone else with you?” she asked with a worried look on her face.
“Nah, just wondering”
GREAT, THIS IS JUST GREAT! I lose my best friend and go to Equestria PLEASE tell me it doesn’t get worse than this
“Alright we should probably get back to the tree now so you can get situated in ponyville” Said twilight.
“Alright...”
Think I gotta’ find a way to call them by their names...
“WAIT!!!!” I exclaim.
“Hmm?” they all say together.
“What are each of your names”? Nice one Sam you have done well.
“I’m Rarity.”
“I’m Rainbow Dash, best flyer in all of Equestria!”
“Ahm Applejack.”
“I’m fluttershy!” Wow. Did she actually say that loud?
“And I know Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle already. Alright I’ll see you guys around” I say as Twilight and I walk to the tree house.
“Is it just me or is Shy kind of cute?” asked Fluttershy
And that’s when Rarity, Pinkie, Applejack, and RD all dropped their jaws at the same time.
The end of Chapter 2
give me your constructive criticism please!
wait so is he still human?
1.bp.blogspot.com/-gp1JJVtPF-s/T_cZBvokXjI/AAAAAAAAAJM/xBQ_H3cdUpU/s320/IFS.png
Sorry, sorry. I had to use it.
Anyways,
This..... Isn't bad. Nah, not too shabby. Other than the cliche 'unconsciousness' there is nothing too much to complain about. Wha- My god... YOU CAN SPELL CORRECTLY?!?! PARAGRAPHS?!? ALMOST PERFECTED?!?!
*Opens chapter 2*
In terms of formatting, you want to use italics for any inner thoughts.
Example:
Should be:
Same rules as if you were using quotations.
Also, try not to add those little breaks in the story with your own thoughts.
It prevents the reader from keeping themselves immersed when you pop in to make a little note.
Now... story critique time!
Your OC survived a plane crash. A deadly plane crash. If he could feel and see fire burning his body while he was inside, it is alot more serious than just 'keeping a large bandage on it for 3 days.' No, he would most likely have 3rd degree burns in which case it would take anywhere from 3-5 weeks to heal. Also, I seriously hope you will reference to his burns as a weakness later on... To be consistent.
No... It can't be... NO PLEASE NO!
I mean... Sure, I can take shipping in a story nowadays. That shit sells like hotcakes and people eat it up every time if done right. But in a story with an OC, which is usually the author himself, trying to fulfill his fantasies with one of the known cast, it comes off extremely cliche in alot of fics and terribly forced. Unless your someone extremely experienced with the whole 'shipping' do-dad, it hardly ever works.
Best of luck to you, I spent too much damn time writing this!
1124537 He went from human to pony after the crash from a mysterious force ( from a quick change from earth to equestria)
1124558
Thanks you for this, this will really help me out!
I've got plans for this whole fluttershy thing
To continue the massive comment above me, I agree with him.
The story isn't that bad, but it has been done a thousand times. A human going through some weird crash/portal and ending up in Equestria. It was good the first time, I'm sure, but there needs to be something original. And I don't mean original as in your OC plays guitar, I mean story changing original. The last thing anyone wants to read is a story about how some low life from Earth finds his happiness amongst the ponies in Equestria. No amount of formatting, grammar correction or perfect spelling could fix that.
That being said, your grammar, spelling and formatting are quite good. For a first timer, you remind me a lot of myself which is why I'm leaving you this comment. Just make sure to change the game up a little. Make it unique, and create lots of conflict. That's the key to turning some random HiE fic into gold. Also, be as realistic as possible. The guy above me mentioned something about the 3rd degree burns, and I agree. Just try your best to switch it up a little, and create something that nobody has done before.
Good luck!
1124604
Thank you, I've got plans to make this whole thing unique, Hehe...
Pacing and punctuation needs work, but I'll track it to see where it goes.
1124681 muse ftw
1124687 Alright sweet man, I'll work on that!
Alright I got chapter one proofread, Most if not all errors in punctuation should be fixed.
I'll fix the rest in a bit!
Changed the thoughts in chapter 2 to italics!
And I changed time from 3 days to 3 weeks before the bandage can be permanently removed!
Basically the major issues have already been addressed. However, I shall throw my hat in as well!
Where someone asked if Sam turned into a pony or not, it raises a good point. I myself had a tough time figuring out if he was human or not. Its easy as a writer to forget about these points, because you think they are obvious. But you have to read your story with the mind of a reader who has no idea what your story is about. There really is no way of knowing if he did change, because you provided no details of it happening.
Oh, and this is just a personal quip of mine, but I dislike how much of the thoughts consist of him telling himself to think. To me, its just filler text that contributes nothing to the actual story.
You have lots of potential as a writer, you have the foundation set for being one, now you just need experience to hone it to a fine art. I look forward to seeing more from you, I really do! For this being your first story, you show a lot of skill that will only be honed and perfected with time
very original
It's epic! I'm tracking it! wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/5/5e/Pyro_Director2.png/106px-Pyro_Director2.png
Keep up the good job! wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/2/23/Lollichop_taunt.png/74px-Lollichop_taunt.png
1125065
Thank you!
1125091
Thank you!
1125104
And thank you
1125209
Hehehe, what everyone fails to realize is that I have everything all planned out for the next few chapters.
You never know whats gonna happen next
Hey, dude.....guess what.....*whisper* Grammar.
Capitalize the names....Oh, and make sure to have him play a few Slash songs. Like this.
I REQUIRE MORE!
I inspired you to write this? This amazing thing?! Whaaaaaaaaaa???????
Also… Fluttershy/Human OC shipping?! BEST STORY EVER!!!!!!!
-MarkusBrony (Skyblaze)
PS.
I also play guitar and speak another language (Spanish). Most relatable character ever!
1128464
You sir have just made my day...
1128464 you speak spanish to? ESO ES COMPADRE!!
So wait does Shy Strings even look like? I'm liking the story and all too.
On my latin blood.This story is bloody brilliant!!!!!
5/5 RAINBOWDASHES!!!!!
1124558 actually if you read it correctly it said his burns would take 'a good 3 weeks' not 3 days
.....atleast you did not make him reveal what is the mlp thing on earth. I still give this story a chance