I hope this won't suddenly turn into mass-murder like with your other story. I think it did much better without the bloodshed. I think the votes also reflect that. Since you start off with a gigantic harem for Spike and the background suggests the zebras' eventual goal is not widespread death, I wonder if she has something planned for other males close to her, like Blueblood. You know, something other than breaking his neck. >_> With the zebras' mind-control magic, that's just not needed. It could be really funny if Celestia tries to hitch her nephew to Princess Ember of the dragons. He's probably going to freak out, and she won't be happy either, until they're both under the influence of magic. Would be fun to see him dominate the blue dragoness!
Question: Why do you have a backspace between quotation marks and the first spoken word whenever anyone talks? Here's an example:
" Are you sure that you can't just stay with us." Rainbow Dash said as she and the rest of the girls are in front of the statue of their school which is also the door way to Equestria.
That's the very first dialogue. It looks really, really strange. You don't need that empty space there at the beginning, it serves no purpose.
Secondly, writing conventions commonly suggest putting a comma before the name when characters address one another. That helps avoid misunderstandings. Take this example:
Nice!,What fetishes will be this time?
9723957
Let's just say that it has to do with veils and harem outfits
what the fuk did i just read ?
Coverart sauce: https://www.deviantart.com/mayorlight/art/Derpy-and-Sunset-belly-rolling-742774705 (SFW)
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/b8lj-1562648082-443846-full
i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/023/846/lisa.jpg
The exact same energy
I hope this won't suddenly turn into mass-murder like with your other story. I think it did much better without the bloodshed. I think the votes also reflect that. Since you start off with a gigantic harem for Spike and the background suggests the zebras' eventual goal is not widespread death, I wonder if she has something planned for other males close to her, like Blueblood. You know, something other than breaking his neck. >_> With the zebras' mind-control magic, that's just not needed. It could be really funny if Celestia tries to hitch her nephew to Princess Ember of the dragons. He's probably going to freak out, and she won't be happy either, until they're both under the influence of magic. Would be fun to see him dominate the blue dragoness!
Question: Why do you have a backspace between quotation marks and the first spoken word whenever anyone talks? Here's an example:
That's the very first dialogue. It looks really, really strange. You don't need that empty space there at the beginning, it serves no purpose.
Secondly, writing conventions commonly suggest putting a comma before the name when characters address one another. That helps avoid misunderstandings. Take this example:
versus
I hope you found this comment useful.
9724920
Didn't worry no killing but some of the girls will have be first timers and so on