• Published 22nd Jun 2019
  • 707 Views, 46 Comments

Pinkie Pie's Problematically Private Passion's Parental Personages Presented Perpostorously Prior Publishing Previously Paraphrased Preoccupation - Masterweaver



The return of magic has changed a lot of things about the world, but some things were weird before that.

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Interesting Career Decisions

"So, uh, miss Rose!" Pinkie stepped into the living room, waving awkwardly. "It's nice to meet you!"

Summer Rose rolled her eyes. "I think I'm supposed to say something cliche about me not being a 'miss.' Tell you what, if you get to call me Miss Rose, I get to call you Miss Pie."

"Why are you calling her Miss Rose?" Ruby asked, dumbfounded. "You're usually more casual than that."

"I can be formal!" Pinkie protested. "I have formal parents. I know formalities. I can be formal. Did you think I couldn't be formal? Cause I can formally form a form to formally invite you to a formal gathering of formality formally!"

"Hey, nobody said you couldn't be formal!" Ruby assured her. "I'm just... kind of surprised that you are!"

"I'm meeting your mother! I don't know anything about her, I actually thought she was dead or something!"

"...why though?"

Pinkie blinked. "I... don't actually know. Weird." She turned to the amused-looking Summer Rose. "You're not dead, right? Like a ghost or a zombie or something? Cause there's nothing wrong if you are, I just might have to give Sunset a heads-up about another form of magic--"

"Oh, I'm alive and very much aware of how frustrating the undead can be."

"Oh that's good also wait what?"

"Yeah," Summer explained breezily, "the Aztlan Institute proved that ancient Kemet had magic too--back before it went into remission. So now Interpol is having to go through all the kemetian relics and deal with so many pharaoh's curses now that they're actually powered up again. Lots of ancient corpses getting up and railing about their old treasures."

"That's actually how she caught me this time," added Raven from her position slumped in an armchair. "I was planning to grab a fancy bit of jewelry from this famous singer and, it turns out, the woman was some sort of Kemet death priest the whole time. Figured out how to keep her magic fueled during the interim and is basically the world's most successful serial killer, did not take kindly to me breaking her security."

Pinkie Pie nodded thoughtfully. "I guess she wouldn't."

"Luckily Summer was already investigating her and kicked in the door just in the nick of time." Raven shrugged. "Not that she was at all nice about it. I woke up in the hospital three days later and what did she say? 'You've lost a lot of blood, made one of my case trails run cold, and you're under arrest. Again.' Like it was my fault the woman was an ancient monster!"

"You like being under arrest," Summer pointed out with a smirk.

"No, no I don't. Screw the law!"

"I am the law!"

"And I screw you all the time!"

The sound of canned laughter rolled through the room.

"Sorry!" Pinkie smiled awkwardly, pulling out her phone. "That was me. Let me just... oh, it's a text from Applejack."

"Really?" Ruby looked at her. "What's it say?"

"Basically she's asking for a custom-baked pastry for her and Rarity's anniversary. Surprise."

Raven quirked an eyebrow. "You have a laughtrack as a ringtone?"

"I'm basically a living cartoon. You tried to rob an immortal serial killer?"

"I'm basically a career cat burglar."

"Fair enough." Pinkie hummed thoughtfully. "You know, three years ago I wouldn't be talking about a murderer so casually."

"Three years ago you wouldn't think mummies would get up and walk around."

"Actually I've always believed that. I mean, not that they were actually the people that got mummified," she explained quickly, "but why would you wrap something up if you didn't want to save it for later? I figured the Kemetians had stumbled on some secret or other that vanished with their civilization."

Ruby groaned. "Don't tell me you thought aliens built the pyramids or something."

"Nah, they were too busy putting billboards around stars back then."

Raven frowned, giving Summer a curious look. "Is she serious?"

"Look, you know how Sunset Shimmer is now somehow the world's manifestation of harmony?" Summer jerked a thumb at Pinkie. "She's the part-time manifestation of laughter."

"That doesn't answer my question. Were aliens actually putting up orbital billboards or what?"

"Not my department. I chase thieves and killers, not galactic mysteries."

"Speaking of..." Pinkie Pie rose her hand. "How did you two even meet, anyway?"

"Corrupt politician in some country put on a party," Raven replied dismissively. "She was sent undercover to check for schemes, I decided to rob the place at the same time."

Summer crossed her arms. "I still say I could have gotten those files if you hadn't triggered the alarm!"

"For the thousandth goddamn time, you were the one who triggered the alarm when you opened that safe!"

"I followed protocol! There was no way opening that safe would trigger an alarm!"

"You're just lucky I was willing to get you out of that mess."

"Excuse me? Who was it that knocked out the guards before they could shoot you? Oh, right, it was me!"

"I was busy picking the lock, which I wouldn't have needed to have done if I could have gotten out my usual way!"

"Hey, I offered you a ride in my getaway car!"

"Yeah, and then you tried to arrest me thirty minutes later!"

"Um," said Pinkie quietly.

"Don't worry about it," Ruby assured her casually. "This is workplace banter for them. Every time they're home at the same time they start blaming the other one for ruining some job or other. You know, goshdarned dirty thief, friggin' nosey cop, the usual drill."

"Yeah, no I got that... it's just kind of weird?" Pinkie gestured at herself. "Like my whole thing is making people happy, and it feels like I should be feeling some urge to intervene or something, but I'm not. They're yelling at each other and I can tell they're enjoying it. Is that... weird?"

"Yes," Ruby said bluntly. "I know because I can tell too." She paused, giving Pinkie a look. "Although I'm kind of wondering why you're concerned about being weird all of the sudden."

"Maybe I just want to make a good impression?" Pinkie offered with a grin she hoped wasn't nervous or at least not nearly as nervous as she felt.

"I... guess that could make sense?" Ruby frowned, ignoring her mothers' continued bickering as she put a hand to Pinkie's forehead. "Are you sure you're okay, though? You seem really subdued lately, do you have some sort of bug or something?"

"Yes, Ruby Rose. I have some sort of bug... a lovebug. It has bitten me and made me fall deeply in love with you! I know this must come as great shock--"

"Oh, but Pinkie Pie, I wish you'd told me sooner! For you see, I too have found a healthy and burgeoning attraction to you! And at last, I feel my heart lifting again!"

"Oh dearest Ruby, how is it that we ever felt fear to confess our feelings to another? Now at last I feel free, free to once more sail the winds of whimsy! Come, let me show you wonders worth a thousand giggles!"

"I come, my lovely Pinkie! And lo, I do find these pies you present a suitable gesture of your romance! Perhaps in turn I shall return the gesture and--"

"Pinkie?! PINKIE!"

"Huh, what?" Pinkie shook her head, noticing Ruby's concerned look. "Sorry, I drifted off into a mental tangent. It, uh, it happens. Sometimes. It's a thing. It's nothing to worry about. I was just thinking about, uh, pie. And other things, but pie was there too. There was a lot of pie. I'm fine. It's fine. Situation is perfectly fine. How are you?"

Ruby leaned back, her lips pressed tightly together. "You... sure?"

"Yep. It's totally okeydoke. Everything's cool. Nothing you need to worry about." Pinkie grinned just a touch too broadly. "So, uh, are your moms going to keep arguing about things or--?"

"Oh, them?" Ruby glanced at the two women. "They're almost done. They should be wrapping up right about... now."

"--and wreck the system completely!"

"Sure you will, Rae, sure you will."

Raven threw up her gauntleted hands with snarl. "Fine, whatever. Don't believe me. Are your cookies done?"

"Well, they should be--" Summer glanced at her wristwatch. "You know I should check on them now. Hey Ruby, can you watch her? If she breaks one of the monitors let me know."

"Will do, Mère!"

The moment the other woman stepped out of the room, Raven pulled out a screwdriver, propped up one of her legs, and set to work on one of the metal bracelets around her ankles. "Want to time me, kid?"

"Sure thing, Mam."

Pinkie blinked. "Wait, but... isn't that illegal?"

Raven gave her a flat look.

"Career criminal, right, forgot. I..." She considered for a moment. "I'll just go help miss Rose with those cookies."

"Try not to eat them all!" Ruby requested, pulling out her phone. "Okay, ready Mam... go!"