• Published 22nd Jun 2019
  • 706 Views, 46 Comments

Pinkie Pie's Problematically Private Passion's Parental Personages Presented Perpostorously Prior Publishing Previously Paraphrased Preoccupation - Masterweaver



The return of magic has changed a lot of things about the world, but some things were weird before that.

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Two for the price of one!

"...and I mean, I know you don't like being considered a religious figure--"

"I don't dislike it," Pinkie assured Ruby, "but I can't be the holy manifestation of laughter all the time."

"I get that! Really! I mean I am very proud to be the pope, but even I have to have a break every now and again."

Sunny rolled her eyes. "You know she still gets people asking me to bless their bacon? Literally, bless bacon. And don't get me started on the arguments I hear between different sects of Shimmerism--"

"Why'd you agree to be a bishop if you knew there was going to be a mess?"

"Because I know you, Ruby! You wouldn't be able to handle the workload on your own!"

"I think she's done pretty good!" Pinkie piped in.

Sunny gave her a look. "You would, though."

Ruby glanced at them. "Huh?"

"Nothing!" Pinkie and Sunny chimed as one.

"...Ooooookay..."

Pinkie Pie shot Sunny L. Dragon a thankful grin, which was responded to with a flat look. She glanced away, clicking together her hoof-like finger nails. It wasn't like she intended to keep Ruby Rose in the dark about her crush indefinitely, it was just... well, Ruby was the leader of a religion which worshipped one of her best friends, and she herself was kind of important in that religion, and... and it would be a little awkward, right? Especially since Sunset Shimmer was always on edge around her worshippers...

So, yeah, things were weird. But Pinkie could handle weird, and Ruby probably could too. So she would tell Ruby about her, well, crush, and she would do it reasonably, and she'd look into those silver eyes and Ruby would lean forward and they'd clasp their pink hands together and the days ahead would be filled with her stroking that blood-red hair--

Pinkie Pie squeezed her forehead in her hand. Not so fast not so fast! One step at a time. Obviously first she had to tell Ruby about--well, first she had to make Ruby a cake. No, not a cake. Something smaller and more personal. Ice cream? Cookies? What kind of cookies did Ruby like? Chocolate chip was just so generic. It did its job, but it didn't show much thought. Maybe she could go with cupcakes, those were like cakes in minature. Or ice cream cupcakes. Baked ice cream. Baked Alaska. That... no, wait, that made no sense!

"What's on your mind?" Sunny asked.

"Why's it called Baked Alaska if nobody in Alaska bakes it?"

Sunny shrugged. "Historical in-joke? I've nary a clue."

The three of them turned a corner, and Ruby spread her arms wide. "And here we are, Patch Avenue. Home sweet home. Our house is the one with the sunflowers and... the blue station wagon..."

Sunny looked into the sky and groaned loudly. "Of course. It would have to be today... Hey! Agent Carolina!"

A cyan-skinned woman slammed into the ground in front of them, brushing some red hair out of her eyes. "Sunny, Ruby. And... you're Pinkie Pie, aren't you?"

"That's right," Pinkie said. "Wow, I'm usually the person who knows who the other person is when I'm meeting them for the first time! This is kind of weird for me, which is really saying something!"

"I know, I've read your file." The woman stuck out her hand. "Carolina McAlister, Interpol. Don't worry, you're not in trouble," she added with a smirk.

Pinkie grabbed the hand and shook it enthusiastically. "I really hope not, miss! If I was, we'd all be in trouble!"

"Hey, thanks for pointing your niece to Bacon Academy," Ruby added. "I think she's been a lot happier since she came."

"Yeah, Red Lily says Pyrrhic really came into her own with you guys. Is she really dating that Gilded Archs boy?"

"It took a hell of a while for them to hook up," Sunny said with a wry grin. "But yeah, they're together now."

"Well, I've got somebody new to intimidate when I go off duty. Oh, yeah, standard protocols girls, you know the drill by now--I expect you to fill in miss Pie."

Ruby nodded. "We will!"

With a nod, Carolina flicked her lightbow out and went back to patrolling the sky. Pinkie stared after her for a moment, before looking at the two sisters. "So... what exactly did all of that mean?"

Sunny Little Dragon sighed. "It means," she explained in a long-suffering voice, "that our moms are home."


"We're home!" Ruby shouted as she entered the house. "And we brought a guest!"

"Oh?" A woman with bone-white skin leaned into the foyer from what Pinkie guessed was the living room, looking her over with strangely familiar silver eyes. "Oh, miss Pie! What in the world are you doing here?"

"There was... a thing," Pinkie explained awkwardly.

"Her big sister tore up the park to scare Ruby before her bigger sister put a stop to it," Sunny deadpanned.

Pinkie cringed. "Yeah, there was a misunderstanding about a food fight me and Ruby had. Limestone yelled at Ruby, Sunny yelled at Limestone, one thing led to another..."

"She and Sunny got into a fight," Ruby explained. "Sunny almost got taken out!"

"Hey," Sunny protested, "she was cheating with that earthbending stuff and the Aztlan magic!"

The woman frowned, stepping into the room fully. "Aztlan magic?"

"She works for the institute," Pinkie assured her quickly. "Security stuff. Are you with interpol too?"

"Yep." The woman smirked, jerking a thumb toward the living room. "Fair warning, there's a dangerous criminal lurking around these parts. You'll want to watch yourself. And your wallet."

"Hey!" shouted a voice. "I've graduated from wallets!"

"Then how did you get into my hotel room last month?"

"Swiped a backup keycard from the desk." Another woman, this one with cherry red skin, walked into the foyer. "Hey Sunny, hey Ruby. Who's the cheerleader?"

"This is Pinkie Pie," Ruby explained. "One of Sunset Shimmer's friends?"

"Pinkie, these are our moms," Sunny said. "Summer Rose and she of the infinite aliases."

The woman rolled her red eyes. "Raven Magpie."

"Oh, is that what you're going by these days?"

Pinkie quirked a brow at the pair. The silver gem embedded beneath rose red hair marked Summer as a unicorn aspect, and Raven seemed to be griffon aspected by the white lines that ran down the center of Raven's face and whiskered across her cheeks. Pinkie was used to that sort of thing, of course--it had been a few years since the Saturation, and she was fond of reading Discord's reports on the various new aspects cropping up, but... well, she couldn't help but notice the tracking monitors on Raven's ankles, or the pistol on Summer's hip, or the scaled gauntlets that kept Raven from using her griffon claws, or the monitoring spell that hovered in front of Summer's eyes...

"And you two are married," she said, just to clarify.

"Us three," Summer corrected. "Dragon Sun is part of the relationship too--actually, kind of the reason there's a relationship at all."

"I dunno about married," Raven mused, idly fiddling with some spiky black hair that had gotten caught in her the tracking collar around her neck. "I mean, we love each other and all and do the financial support thing, but we never had a ceremony and we're all swingers. So basically we're a living teenage fantasy."

Ruby's pink skin somehow became pinker. "Oh my Shimmer, Mam! Really?! We have a guest!"

Sunny rolled her eyes, turning to Pinkie. "Yeah, our home life is kind of a sitcom."

"Mine is too. More childsafe, though."

"Right, your sisters..." Sunny shrugged. "Anyway, where's Dad?"

"He's out back working on The Machine," Summer replied casually.

"Oh, sweet! I'll be right back." Sunny smirked at the two women. "Try not to tease these two into pink smears while I'm gone."

"Sunny!"

"No promises!"

"Mère!"

"So has being the pope affected your sex life?"

"Mam!"

Pinkie looked at the flustered Ruby Rose, who was trying desperately not to meet anybody's eyes. Her heart leapt in her chest, and she cleared her throat. "SO! I'm Pinkie Pie. I do weird things because I'm basically a living cartoon. You wanna see?"

She pulled out a balloon and rapidly twisted it into the form of an octopus before inflating it so large that it burst, releasing confetti that rained down on the party hats all four of them were suddenly wearing.

"...Huh," said Summer Rose.

Ruby smiled. "That's Pinkie Pie for you!"

Raven took off her hat and examined it curiously. "Yeah, I'm going to be in the den."

"Hold on there, criminal scum!" Summer followed her into the living room with a grin.

"Thanks for that," Ruby murmured to Pinkie. "I mean, I love my moms and all, but... they can be so embarrassing, you know?"

Pinkie giggled. "Oh, yeah, moms. I mean I've only got the one, but... yeah, I get where you're coming from."