*Breathes In* Yes, this is good. You have implemented the second person in this story quite well so far and I am very impressed. Second person can be quite difficult for new writers and I say that from experience.
However, I feel the romance is a little bit rushed. I understand that if you haven’t had a romantic partner for over 1000 years and feel EXTREMELY lonely you may do this sort of thing, but Celestia is a several millennia old being who has experienced countless events and most has had likely sexual partners before this, romantically or non-romantically. I would’ve put the second chapter as the fourth and have subtle hints being dropped throughout chapters 2 and 3 reinforcing the extreme loneliness that she faced for the last 1000 years. Maybe Anon is invited to Celestia’s room during chapter 2/3 and Celestia is called out of the room by Luna, Twilight, etc and Anon is left alone. He finds Celestia’s diary and reads entries from the last 1000 years detailing how much sorrow and loneliness she felt because no-one truly loved her for the pony she was and how they only loved her for her title, and the when Celestia returns Anon becomes panicked and takes her diary. In between talks and conversations with other ponies and the Mane Six Anon reads more of the diary and discovers that she has had to handle her heat alone for the past 1000 years because she couldn’t have sex with anypony without ruining her ‘perfect’ image she kept up to give her ponies happiness and hope.
Anon then comes across Celestia in this chapter and events ensue.
Again very well done with this story so far and I’m happy with how it’s turned out however as I’ve said a bit more depth would make this story feel a bit more real and improve overall quality.
9650702 Thank you so much for the critique. I have never written in second person before and I have also never really written anything romance before. A friend of my challenged me to go outside my comfort zone for this one. For this chapter I was going for more of a heat of the moment kind of thing. That and Alcohol plus Anon own loneliness lead to a burst of emotional release in the form of something physical. I thought maybe just going with kiss for this scene but, I wanted to try my hand at writing something sexual. From this chapter on, I am gonna be more exploring what this act means and what kind of relateship unfolds from it. Again thank you so much for the feedback I hope you will give me more in the future.
trigger horned........... lol I have to remember that word. the story is good. hope to see more
9648746
Well I was thinking of their horns as guns in that moment. XD Thank you for comment. I am glad you enjoyed the storyline so far.
*Breathes In* Yes, this is good.
You have implemented the second person in this story quite well so far and I am very impressed. Second person can be quite difficult for new writers and I say that from experience.
However, I feel the romance is a little bit rushed. I understand that if you haven’t had a romantic partner for over 1000 years and feel EXTREMELY lonely you may do this sort of thing, but Celestia is a several millennia old being who has experienced countless events and most has had likely sexual partners before this, romantically or non-romantically. I would’ve put the second chapter as the fourth and have subtle hints being dropped throughout chapters 2 and 3 reinforcing the extreme loneliness that she faced for the last 1000 years. Maybe Anon is invited to Celestia’s room during chapter 2/3 and Celestia is called out of the room by Luna, Twilight, etc and Anon is left alone. He finds Celestia’s diary and reads entries from the last 1000 years detailing how much sorrow and loneliness she felt because no-one truly loved her for the pony she was and how they only loved her for her title, and the when Celestia returns Anon becomes panicked and takes her diary. In between talks and conversations with other ponies and the Mane Six Anon reads more of the diary and discovers that she has had to handle her heat alone for the past 1000 years because she couldn’t have sex with anypony without ruining her ‘perfect’ image she kept up to give her ponies happiness and hope.
Anon then comes across Celestia in this chapter and events ensue.
Again very well done with this story so far and I’m happy with how it’s turned out however as I’ve said a bit more depth would make this story feel a bit more real and improve overall quality.
9650702
Thank you so much for the critique. I have never written in second person before and I have also never really written anything romance before. A friend of my challenged me to go outside my comfort zone for this one. For this chapter I was going for more of a heat of the moment kind of thing. That and Alcohol plus Anon own loneliness lead to a burst of emotional release in the form of something physical. I thought maybe just going with kiss for this scene but, I wanted to try my hand at writing something sexual. From this chapter on, I am gonna be more exploring what this act means and what kind of relateship unfolds from it. Again thank you so much for the feedback I hope you will give me more in the future.
9724156
Alcohol, Loneliness and Good timing can be a dangerous combo for anyone.
That was so sweet and spicy.