Canterlot Animal Control

by Lingo

Chapter 5: When Pigs Fly

Like I said, I should have known there was a catch. This was my closest run-in with Equestrian royalty to date, and my first real experience with the other of the two sisters.

Not the best first meeting, so far, judging by the scowl splitting her face.

"What are you doing?"

It sounded like a question, but felt like a command. Her words were cut like a block of marble, if it was practical to make marble into a sharpened blade.

Her long legs were stiff, ramrod straight. If that wasn't enough to set me on edge, her neck was bent so that her face was level with mine. Now that, from my standpoint, was terrifying.

Not because of the whole "Nightmare Moon" thing, or because she was ugly, or anything of the sort.

But because her entire posture communicated severe consequences very clearly.

When a pony is facing someone down, they usually hold their head high, slightly inclined. Proud, but cautious, protecting one's face and neck by holding it back.

Their legs are usually bent slightly, prepared to run or step or dodge. Fight or flight.

Princess Luna, however, was doing neither. Her legs were straight, anticipating no fight or movement needed. Supreme confidence. Her head was brought straight into the danger zone, set front and center and open to attack.

Only a predator would posture themselves like this, facing down a creature so far below them that any move they made would be entirely inconsequential, practically harmless.

I was stuck to my spot, glued there by a mix of nerve, unease, and fear. And we both knew it.

I bowed my head slightly, mindful of our horns. "G-good morning, Princess Luna." Said the mouse to the lion.

"Tis morning indeed, my little pony. Did you hear me the first time, or must I trouble myself to repeat it?"

My back legs shook, confrontation is so much easier with a wild animal. Ponies are… complicated.

"Sorry, your highness! I uhh… I was called to help.. HElp with a pest problem! Sorry. That fellow…" I gestured to the celestial aide, "...sent for me to come and oust this opossum, as he was getting into things in the kitchen. I promise to have him out of your castle momentarily, I'll find him a good home out in the forest."

Instead of assuaging her concern, her frown deepened. The aide avoided all eye contact, standing off to the side at attention and visibly unhappy about the situation.

"Make cautiously your promises, lest you are unable to uphold them." The princess warned me.

I was missing something here, something important. If she wasn't unhappy about there being a critter in the palace, then what could she be upset about?

I felt tiny claws dig into my back and neck, reminding me of my fugitive passenger. He was surprisingly calm during this whole ordeal.

I had a working theory, but it sounded a bit outrageous in my head. Against my better judgment, I looked away from my lunar diarch and regarded the critter.

We gave each other an identically different meaningful look.

Well I'll be damned. Only one way to find out.

I gingerly took him off of my back and presented him to the Princess, like some kind of madmare.

He jumped at her and my heart sank like a just-too-heavy skipping stone.

She didn't flinch in the slightest

He hooked her horn with his claws, like a pull-up bar, and swung around to straddle her back and nuzzle her neck.

Either this opossum had a death wish, or…

"Unless, he's already home?" I hazard to ask.

She gives me an appraising look, her frown mostly disappearing, and flicks her head to face the aide.

"Leave us, Shoo, we shall deal with you later."

He looked all too happy to scamper off. Even the guards present ducked into other rooms.

Once alone, save for me, her shell shattered as she turned to nuzzle the critter, a happy noise bubbling up from her throat as her posture and body language instantly morphed.

It felt like the air in the room got significantly lighter, I found it easier to breathe.

"Oh Tiberius, I told you to come find me should they try that again. It's not like you to turn yourself in."

He squeaked something, pulled her mane, and pointed at me.

"What?"

Her attention returned to me, along with that analyzing gaze.

"I uhh.." I fumbled, damn my nervous mouth, "I caught him, actually."

"You caught him? But.. I see no cage, no rope or net."

"Mop bucket. I tricked him into using it to hide, then flipped it on him."

"Truly?"

I nodded, anxious about the punishment for trapping the royal pet.

"Brava, then, my little pony. You have managed what few others have. He's a wiley one." She paused to regard me again, I was starting to feel like an exam paper, examined closely by a professor or TA.

"What is your name, clever one?"

"Keen Eye, your highness. Canterlot Animal Control."

"I do not recognize you. Have you been to the palace previously?"

"This is only my second call to the palace. The first was for the wild-cat situation a little while ago."

"I recall reading the reports. Well done with that as well. I dueled lions in my youth, I know how ferocious a big cat can be."

Despite my unease, I found myself leaning forward slightly. Now THAT was a story I'd like to hear. Unfortunately, she did not see fit to expand on it more. I nodded my head simply in acknowledgement.

"This is not the first time that somepony has been summoned to rid the castle of my dear Tiberius, and I fear it shan't be the last."

The princess sighed, her mane seemed to flow less brilliantly, drooping at the edges. Her facade was restored in a blink.

"Regardless, you did your job and did it well. Your fees shall be paid in full, even though your task could not be completed."

"Not necessarily, your highness. My mission statement is finding a good home for the animals I handle. I came here to catch a opossum and get him to a good home. I did that."

There's a twinkle of something in her eyes as she grins, nodding her head emphatically. The critter, Tiberius, boggles up and down on her neck, uneasy with the motion.

"Truly, your actions carry you as an adept of your field, and your words ring with care. Should we meet again, I'd be delighted to speak further over tea or coffee."

The odds of me taking her up on that offer were slim enough to make Fleur de Lis jealous, but I wouldn't dare reply lest my tongue betray me. I bow my head lightly in appreciation.

"Fare thee well, my little pony."

And with that I took my leave, happy to be out of the palace once more.

The aide reappeared while I was hitching up to my cart.

"Miss Keen Eye, might I have a quick word with you?"

Seemed innocent enough, and the visitors back at my place weren't going anywhere soon.

"You now know why your involvement was rather rushed, I was hoping you would have been able to exit with it before her highness got involved.

The palace is no place for Vermin, and I cannot fathom why her Lunar Highness has chosen that to be her royal pet."

I'd heard this tone before, this speech. It was always the same, despite who said it, and it was always exhausting to listen to.

"You said you want to find it a good home, is that accurate?"

I nodded.

"Splendid. You should know as well as I do that it belongs in the forest or plains or wherever it comes from. Not here. If I have the guards fetch you again, will you do your best to apprehend it and find it a good home?"

I thought for a few seconds, tapping my chin with a hoof. If it wasn't me, he'd find someone else. I was far from the first pony he's brought in for this job.

Maybe I'll be able to convince the princess to let me rehome him. But.. after my little line in there, I doubt she'd be easily swayed. And they go together so well…

"Please, you at least left in good standing with her highness. I'll even provide additional compensation for your services due to the… high profile."

An idea struck me like a pony-sized cake. It was a little bit devious, and I can't say I'd be especially proud of it.

But hey, who's gonna stop me.

"Alright. Should you summon me again, I shall do my best to capture the opossum and get him to a great home, should I not be intercepted by Princess Luna first. I give you my word."

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. He bid me good day and undoubtedly returned to his cave in the mountainside to plot about how to defeat the power ponies.

---

The return to my home was uneventful, and the trespassers were tight lipped. Undoubtedly overzealous fans, embarrassed at being caught red-handed. I had the guard escort them out and away from the area.

I doubt that they would get more than a stern talking to before being sent on their way. As long as they gained the sense to not try that a second time, I couldn’t care further.

It only took a week before my daily schedule was interrupted again. I was nearly hock-deep under someone’s porch, trying to coax several rabbits out from the confined space. No place to raise a family.

It took a few carrot slices and letting them sniff my hoof a bunch, but they eventually trusted me enough to come into my grasp and allow themselves to be gently dragged out.

I sat for a moment, hooves full of bunny and covered in dust, letting my eyes readjust to the daylight. A startled shriek drew my eyes to the top of the porch, where the homeowner and her two foals were rushing inside in a frenzy.

Really? They are rabbits, not timberwolves.

I opened my mouth to call out to them, but found that my voice was missing. The sunlight shining on my back dimmed, and I saw a large shadow overtaking the area around me.

The sounds of Canterlot faded and the colors of the world grew warped.

The rabbits in my hold shivered and fretted, teeth gnashing and chittering.

If there is another Princess behind me, so help me Celestia…

I shifted and turned where I sat, looking to the source of all this. I looked right into a pair of glowing red eyes.

“Hello, my little pony~”

I felt my shoulders involuntarily slump and any tension left my body. The perfect expression of annoyed indifference dripped down my face. My voice returns without an issue.

“Oh, hello Mr. Discord.”

With a snap, the world returned to its usual vibrance and clarity. The bunnies, once getting a whiff of the lord of chaos, relaxed and all but ignored him. He probably smelled like Fluttershy.

“‘Oh hello’? That’s the greeting I receive? But Miss Eye, I thought we were such good friends!”

“Being a friend of a friend does not make us also friends.”

“Always so serious, miss stick in the mud. Honestly, I’m glad Fluttershy has the whole ‘element of harmony’ thing to get her away from her animals once in a while. But you, you only have this! It’s a little sad, to be Frank. And I hate being called Frank.”

“So you say every time you choose to visit me.”

Our relationship is… about the same as everyone’s relationship with Discord, aside from Fluttershy.

He gets a flight of fancy to visit and harass in creative and unhelpful ways, making a right mess, then just snaps his little claws and cleans it all up. Then he smiles, like he did you a favor by cleaning up his own mess.

When we first met, he was following Fluttershy around. They were making idle chatter as he also kept a running commentary on their day. He was curious about me for a whole five seconds while she checked up on a sick hyena, who has since been returned to the wild.

Our next encounter, he was doing errands for our mutual friend, and had come to inform me that she would need to postpone the next visit for one reason or another, and couldn’t send a bird out to deliver the message instead.

That time, he stayed for an hour or two, pestering me and picking at my brain. Not literally, but I bet he considered doing it for a gag trick.

It was mutually agreed, mostly, that I tolerated him and he wouldn’t cause too much trouble for me or else Fluttershy would give him an earful.

So he added me to his rotation of ponies that he ‘visits’ when the feeling suits him, ones that do not run and scream or attack him on sight.

He once made a raincloud hover over me and shower me with water every hour on the hour for three days. His reasoning? He said that I smelled like I worked with animals, and didn't bathe enough to compensate.

A damp letter to Fluttershy had the cloud removed, but it took another day before my bed was dry enough to sleep in again.

“And every time I visit, I‘m reminded of what Fluttershy could be like if she revoked her pony social life. But don’t get your hopes up, this isn’t a personal visit. I’m not here to be your fairy goatmother and sweep you off to meet others and better yourself.”

“Oh darn.”

“No, I’m here because, contrary to your usual character, you did something interesting for once.”

My eyebrow raised, if he was looking to get some gossip about the palace goings-on, he’d be dissapointed.

“Before you say anything, I know that wrangling deadly predators isn’t exactly a normal pony activity, but you make it sooo boring. It’s such a drag when I know you’ll always come out on top, no fun betting on a rigged match.

No, I’m talking about your recent deal.”

A felt a chill run up my spine, and it was difficult keeping any reaction from showing on my face. But Discord was better at reading ponies than most.

I stood up and carried the bunnies to my cart, setting them in a small box with some padding.

I needn’t ask him to explain further, I know he will. He never lets a topic drop until he’s squeezed out what he wants from it.

“Oh yes, I know about your little deal. Those of us who have been on the wrong side of a story tend to keep in contact a bit, and a fellow mishmash mentioned in passing about meeting the most peculiar pony when reuniting with his minions.

One who really had a way with cats.”

My trot back to my building quickened, brisk and nearly hurried. Discord, ignoring any social cues to bugger off, gracefully slithered through the air beside and above me.

“So I decided to investigate. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered the pony was actually you, and you are dreadfully boring, so I was going to leave it at that.

But then I got an idea.”

He stopped me as I was unhitching, poking me on the nose.

“Are you willing to watch over other pets?”

I took a deep breath, gathering my patience for what will almost certainly be a terrible idea.

“It depends on several factors. Who and what?”

“Me, of course! And my favorite flying pig.”

His what?

“Your what?”

Discord regarded me as if we were talking about a perfectly normal thing.

“My flying pig, Brabazon. I usually keep him in my back pocket, but it’s terribly cramped in there.”

I briefly pondered where Discord would have a pocket, but threw out the line of thinking when I remembered that it’s Discord, so he can make a pocket wherever he pleases.

“Does he eat anything strange?”

“Define strange.”

“Anything a pig wouldn’t normally eat.”

“Pigs can eat nearly anything.”

“Forget I asked. Any medical issues?”

“He’s lactose intolerant.”

“Does he sleep at normal hours?”

"Mostly. Has a habit of grabbing midnight snacks, though."

"And un-pig-like behavior other than the flying?"

"Is sass pig-like?"

"Very."

"Then no."

"Is he well-behaved?"

"Relative to me, yes."

I took a moment, letting the situation settle in my thoughts. It wouldn't be that hard, and it'd keep me in the chaos creature's good graces.

"I'm considering it…"

"Compensation?"

"I don't really feel comfortable accepting money for this kind of thing."

"Do you want a wish?"

"Monkey's paw rules?"

"Perhaps…"

"Pass."

"Hmm."

He wrapped himself in thought, it was actually amazing to see him have to really think about something.

"As I said before, no compensation. Your "friend" leaves it without my consent."

"I'm not sure… I'm trying to do the good pony thing and capitalism and trading and bartering and whatnot."

He was really having trouble letting this go.

"Look at it this way, we are.." I choked on the words a little. "We are friends, right? Friends do nice things for each other, without asking for payment in return."

He looked at me like I grew two other heads, which, I might have if he willed it hard enough.

"I have a better idea!"

A weight settled in my gut.

"Our mutual friend, he’s not the only one who may have use of your services. So I’m going to go ahead and spread your name around, no need to thank me! What else are friends for?”

He shook my hoof vigorously and vanished before I could protest. On the ground beneath where he last was now sits a pig. A pig with wings.

Brabazon, I presume?

He oink'd, waggling his pink nose at me and smiling, as much as a pig can smile.

Splendid. No backing out now.

I showed him and the rabbits inside and got them settled, trying not to let my mind wander about what or who my next visitor could be.

Author's Note:

Hello again,

Yes this is still bug.

Please try not to get spoiled, I can't promise that other updates going forward will happen this quickly. It was a really good mixing of vibes and life events.

As always, I hope to have the next chapter out sometime in the next few months.

Please attach any questions with a donation of love, in cash, and I'll try to get back to you within a few business years.

Bonus points to whomever gets the reference Discord made and let's me know in the comments.

Comments

[SigmasonicX]

Well I suppose the castle job wasn't as sinister as I thought. I wonder how this ties into everything else, then. In any case, that was a good Luna scene, and it was neat seeing Keen's relationship with Discord.