The Experimental RariDash Crackfic

by Mystic Mind

Prologue

Premonition of Pain

(Prologue)

A tremendous thunderclap erupted across the night's sky. Heavy rain pounded the castle walls, its magnificent spires standing firm. Across the muddy hills—which looked a lot like melted chocolate pudding, but far less yummy—an army was on the march.

From all sides, it advanced at snail's pace...

“What’s that about me?”

Oh, sorry, I mean at a snail's pace! Anyway, inch by inch they moved forward, the Pegusi generals flying at the front to bark orders at the lower-ranked soldiers. With the unicorns in the middle, the earth ponies remained at the back, pulling gigantic siege machines big as houses.

To any pony unlucky enough to be watching, it would look like the soldiers were marching on the spot, with the scenery looping around behind them.

I mean... they would think that, if they were not already flabbergasted by the sheer size of the army. At its helm were three generals: Applejack, Maud Pie (my sister!) and Bulk Biceps.

“YEAH!” cried Bulk Biceps, flexing as he walked.

Though mighty, none could rival the supreme commander levitating above it all: Warlord Starlight Glimmer. A grand, yet unintelligible speech followed, to which all generals nodded in agreement while cackling maniacally.

...Except for Maud, who Starlight reminded through gritted teeth, and a quick kick in the side, that she had a line to say.

“Oh, right, sorry,” Maud apologized, though she really didn't need to. Starlight was just being a meanie! “I was waiting for your speech to finish. Maniacal laugh.”

“Close enough!” Declared Starlight, turning her attention back to the castle. “Finally, the time has come to dethrone the wicked King Rainbow Dash and the mad Queen Rarity once and for all!”

Wait, I thought they were just going to rob the castle? I suppose that wouldn't make sense, what with the siege engines and all. Maybe they could just trade cupcakes for everything? That'd be way more fun to me, but hey, I didn't write this story.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Starlight raised her hoof, the siege ponies ready to fire at her command!

“Be ready to fire on my command!” Starlight repeated. Sweet Celestia, is she even paying attention? “Ready!” She announced, ignoring me. “Aim! Fire!”