The Experimental RariDash Crackfic

by Mystic Mind

Act 1

(Act 1)

Soothsayer Derpy Hooves awoke with a start, gasping for air. The war was gone, but the memory of the siege machines' deafening thunder and the volleys of burning arrows remained. She immediately kicked off the covers and bolted for the window, just to check if all was well.

At first, everything appeared to be normal (or should I say: boring! Am I right?). The morning sun gently caressed the courtyard like a warm blanket, with white fluffy clouds that looked just like the puffiest, softest pillows; so much so that I could just take a nap... right... here...

“Um, Pinkie Pie?”

Oh, right, the story! Sorry, Derpy! As I was saying, the castle guards were busying themselves with target practice. The odd servant who shouldn't have been there quickly shuffled out of the way as they made their rounds – though some got shot in the butt regardless, prompting a round of apologies from the inaccurate marks-ponies. Other servants withmore of a green hoof (literally in some cases) tended to the plants and other garden fixtures.

Derpy breathed a sigh of relief. Just a bad dream after all, she thought. Still, the growing clouds over the horizon gave her pause for concern. Best check the crystal ball, just in case.

So, she ran out the room... I mean, she ran around her room, not remembering where she left her crystal ball. She tried looking in the cupboard, under the bed, even through the hole in the wall where the mice kept their stolen cheese: but she just couldn't find it!

When she finally remembered, she galloped straight out the door, only to trip over her robes and fall down at least one flight of stairs. After several stern looks at the ceiling for no reason, she made it to the magic room, with the crystal ball resting on a red cushion in the centre. Waving her hooves around the ball, it flared to life with a bright flash, filling the Soothsayer's mind with the thousand horrible visions of war yet again!

“Oh no!” Derpy cried, pacing around the room. “What do I say next? I can't remember! Oh no, oh no, oh no!”

Luckily, at that very moment, the Soothsayer teleported right into the King and Queen's throne room!

“Well, well, look what we have here!” proclaimed King Rainbow Dash, adjusting her hollow, golden crown and dusting her royal blue cape. “If it isn't the dirty old Soothsayer. Come to give us another ridiculous prophecy, have you?”

Derpy gasped. “How did you know?”

That's what you're here for, silly!

“Oh, come now, darling,” said Queen Rarity, who wore a similar cape to Rainbow Dash, coloured red, and a fancier red crown. “Give the old Soothsayer a chance. After all, she's been quite entertaining with her stories as of late.”

“I have?” Derpy gave the two rulers a blank stare, her ears pricking up the moment she remembered that telling amazing true stories from the future is what Soothsayers do best! “Oh, right. Yes, I have.”

The couple looked at each other with loving smiles. “Oh, alright. As long as you're happy, my love. You always did know how to melt a girl's heart with your dazzling generosity.”

“Don't sell yourself short, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity giggled. “Oh, I mean, King, Rainbow Dash. You have dazzled the lives of many with your sonic rainboom as well; not to mention inspiring many a beautiful dress of my own. Surely a little story time will bring you some amusement as well?”

They held hooves as they nuzzled each other. D'aaaw, how cute! Aren't they just the best couple? I need to plan the party for their wedding day; it'll be such a blast!

“Ahem!” Derpy cleared her throat, returning the attention to her. Sorry! But you've gotta admit, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are cute together.

“My lord!” Derpy cried, holding up her crystal ball. “Your people aren't safe! A massive army is approaching from everywhere! They want to destroy your castle and rule your land for themselves!”

Rarity shivered. “Can this be true? What sort of fiend could want to destroy a magnificent kingdom like ours?”

“Ha!” the king scoffs. “You've got nothing to worry about, Rares. That crystal ball stuff is just a bunch of magical mumbo jumbo. There's no vision there at all!”

“Of course not, it's only plastic,” Derpy admits. Aha, so my fiendish plan is coming together after all! This means my invasion will be—

“No spoilers!” Rarity snapped... at no one in particular, of course. I mean, why would the narrator ever have anything to do with knowing the story to come?

Rainbow Dash waved her hoof in dismissal. “Get lost, Soothsayer. You don't know what you're talking about!”

“Okay, goodbye.”

Err, uh, the Soothsayer was about to leave, but then she remembered how horrible the vision was, so she decides to stay!

“Oh, I do?” asked the Soothsayer, finally remembering her lines, thank goodness.

“Oh, right!” She cleared her throat. “My lord, they're coming! Your people aren't safe! When the army comes, they'll... they'll...” Derpy paused and rubbed her head, trying to remember what she saw. “They'll burn down the castle! They'll kill you both! They'll trample on the daisies!”

“What utter nonsense,” Rarity rolled her eyes. “You're starting to bore me. Come up with a better story next time.”

“Okay,” Derpy shrugs. “They'll rip up all your tapestries and steal all your clothes!”

That made Rarity clutch Rainbow Dash's arm tight, her eyes growing wide as she trembled like a leaf! Hehe, that's such a funny saying. Can leaves ever tremble?

“That pony is a mad mare! No creature would dare to touch my most exquisite creations! Of all the stories she could tell, this is the worst. Possible. Thing!”

Rarity collapsed onto her fainting couch, which just happened to be right next to her throne.

“Rarity, my love!” Rainbow Dash dove after her, hooves shaking as she shot the Soothsayer an icy glare. Makes me shiver just thinking about it!

“How dare you upset the greatest seamstress in all Equestria with your blasphemy! Guards!”

Two guards rushed to the scene, but upon reaching the throne, the Soothsayer was gone!

“Oh, my goodness,” Fluttershy said. “She disappeared!”

“No, she didn’t,” corrected Twilight, pointing toward the door. “She’s over there.”

“Bye, everypony!” Derpy waved from the door. “See you at the finale!”

Wait a minute, that’s not the–! The Soothsayer just walked face-first into a wall, which was obviously a clever ruse to make everypony think she was clumsy; when in reality, she's getting ready to fight the oncoming evil horde.

“I am?” Derpy asked, blinking a couple of times until her eyes were straight. “Oh, right. Whoosh, zap, poof! Magic teleportation go!”

“Nice save!” said the King to nopony in particular.