Letters of Equestria

by Soothing Stone

Garble and Celestia

To the mamby pampy pony that gets this,

Is this working? Hello? My friends are trying to find out if this whole letter blowing business works like it did with Spike. But when they said it might get sent to one of the ponies in Equestria, I laughed my head off! Why would I talk to some pony that runs away when I huff and puff around?

I dion't even care. All dragons can do it, but why doesn't anybody ever use this thing? Seems like a good idea to me. And experimenting with a few scraps of paper, it was wicked to see something turn into a wisp and float off to someplace sounds promising. So write back so I know where you live.

Signed,
Garble

Garble,

So are you the dragon that's been sending me all these blank pieces of paper? I keep asking Spike if he is pulling a bunch of pranks by sending me blank letters, but now I know you are to blame.

I don't know who you think you are in your horde, but I will not respond to any threats you will make to my kingdom by just standing by and read these. Make your demands, and I'll make sure you don't set one claw in Equestria.

This is your only warning,
Celestia
Princess of Equestria

It's Celestia?

Oh, this is just too rich! Not only did I become pen pals with a pony, but YOU, the most pushover of all of them! Please, what are you going to do to me? Push me lightly with a hoof covered in a sandal you won't want to crack? Try to poke me with your horn? Or flap me with your wings? You can't be serious, we're all laughing that you're actually trying.

Wait, you mean THAT Spike? Yeah, that was him that pulled the prank on you. He is an evil dragon, and shouldn't be trusted. I should know, I almost saw him as a little brother and then what does he do? He sides with YOU and your FRIENDS!

And we're fine just right where you are. Keep writing and we can laugh all the time. In fact, could you send another letter telling us how you're coming down to defeat our hoard? We need the laughs.

Please write back,
Garble

To Garble,

Is this how you see me? A joke? I have lifted the sun using my own strength, and all who bother to learn the truth know about it. Along with my sister, we defeated the very spirit of chaos incarnate, and we alone keep harmony inside the stars. All you have done is threaten Spike and his friends, and you will not have that kind of fun again.

And I don't believe your obvious lies about Spike for one second. It is clear from his letters you came very close to corrupting him, and that you are a foul being yourself.

Eventually, you cannot expect this "pen pal" thing to continue for much longer if you think I'll just keep accepting insult after insult like this. I'm sure your mother would be very proud, but I am not amused.

Signed,
Celestia
Princess of Your Life

Hi again Celestia,

What do you have for entertainment over in Equestria? Is it a bunch of carnivals? Wait, I got it! You have a bunch of deathmatches in the streets all the time! Well, that's what my friends say. Here in the caves, it's your letters that keep us entertained.

Seriously, you're just like Spike's friends when they tried to stop us. Did they ever tell you about that? They were all so ready to buck our hinds like we were other ponies, but when we huffed and got our claws out, they ran away like little babies! Though they say you're more powerful, that just means you'll survive 20 seconds when they wimp out after 10.

Corrupt poor little Spike? If anything, we almost made him better and got the pony out of him! You should have seen him for that one day he was like us, I was so proud of that little tyke. He survived the most brutal belly flop of all time, and partied like he's been part of the hoard all his life!

Now back to you. I know this whole insult routine is getting on your nerves, but we're having the time of our lives. How about we scale back on the insults, and you'll just keep threatening us? That way, we both get what we want!

Pen Pal for Life
Garble

To Garble,

I will not be called just another of your Pen Pals. Do you understand me? There is no way I can just endure your lack of concern that you're tempting me to find where you live and destroy everything you hold dear, just to wupe off your arrogance and prove nobody can get away with what you're doing.

However, I agree to your terms. As long as you hold back on your insults and decide not to invade Equestria at all, we will continue to talk. That way, I know what you're up to, and I will make sure you have not set Ponyville or any other town on fire.

Continue with the letters, and don't think I'm just a friend to you.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

To Garble,

When you get this letter, run away from your friends and find cover. This should be hidden inside the other letter and this one is for your eyes only. Make sure the rest do not know this exists, for it is of grave importance that you read it.

Even though it is true my student has a dragon for an assistant, the one named Spike, we ponies do not know much about dragon culture. In previous attempts to learn about it in observations and interviews, many professionals have come back running for their lives, or missing altogether with the assumed reason being the dragon killed them.

I might have tried to keep you in line with the previous threats, but in reality I was thrilled to get a letter from a dragon deep within its species' culture. You are not shaped by our lifestyle like Spike is, and through you we can learn a lot about how your life is like.

There is no reason why you should trust me. If word gets out about what you have done if you agree to this, you might be banished from your hoard. But in exchange, we will be eternally grateful that you have done this incredible deed for us. I understand your choice no matter what you choose, and wish you luck if you do decide to help us out.

Signed,
Celestia
Princess of the Sun

To Princess Celestia,

What? Why should I help you out? You should know I don't like ponies much. I got onto Spike when I first met him for being like a pony in a dragon costume!

And you're right that I would get banished if anybody here found out. We like to make games about our hatred for your kind. Heck, there's been times where we've used some of the paper we found to make paper maches in the shapes of ponies and punch them out, throwing them into lava!

Yes, I know you would hold me as a hero, and come to think about it, I wouldn't mind telling you about how we do things around here. But the risk is too great. They know when I'm writing, and I had to escape the cave and say I was going on a hunt just to get away with this letter. Explaining even a little snippet of what you want to know would take hours, and they're not that patient.

I would need something to fall back on if I get exiled, and a guarantee that if I have to run to Equestria for shelter, none of your guards will come out and attack me. Because otherwise, I can't do this. I love the hoard I'm in, and I don't know what I would do if I was kicked out of it.

Signed,
Garble

Garble,

I didn't say you had to do this. This might be the toughest decision you will ever have to make, and I did say I would understand if you said no to the offer. It is difficult to pull someone out from their roots, and that could be why Spike had difficulty fitting in to your clan for so long.

That said, I can guarantee something for you in case you experience exile. You see, I know where you live. I know exactly where you wrote this. I saw you write your previous letter out in the forest, so in case your other dragons try to kill you for helping me, I can come down to save you.

In the case that you are exiled, there is in fact something I have in mind. If you do this, many ponies will be grateful for your work, and therefore you might be more accepted within Equestria. As a result, I might be able to find you another cave within my borders, and we will pay you handsomely and you will not have to worry about what my guards will do, as you will have special protection and it will be a crime to harm you, even though you can take care of yourself just fine I'm sure.

But don't think this will be a license to do anything like you did with Spike. I don't want you talking to him, or behaving anylike like that to anypony you meet.

Again, this is probably the hardest choice you will ever have to make in your life, and do what you deem necessary. And to keep your cover, there should be another letter full of threats inside this one.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

To the foul dragon,

Do you realy think we cannot stop you? We can find you if we so desired to, and there is a multitude of ways we can crush your horde. Along with my sister Luna, we are invinceable and will not be trifled with.

That said, we do not believe you are such a threat deserving of that punishment yet. You stay in the comforts of your little mountain, and we will not show you the brunt of our force.

Your Last Warning,
Celestia
Master of the Cosmos

To Celestia,

Oh really? What's your idea of the brunt of your force? We all know you're like a cardboard box, all we have to do is breathe fire at you and that's it for your existance! Please try harder than that. And can you really move the sun and the moon like I heard? I'm sure we could do it five times over, that's how much more powerful we really are!

But then again, we wouldn't want "somepony" like you to go away so soon. Seriously, I haven't had this much fun since...ever. I'm having the time of my life with this, and please, please keep going. Wait...does that break our agreement? Oh well, I'm going to do it anyway.

See ya later,
Garble

Princess Celestia,

They're buying the cover so far. It was hard to hide the real letter, but I managed to do it anyway.

Please do not send a response letter to this one specifically, but I accept your offer. I don't know when I can send letters detailing dragon culture, they're going to be looking around if they find out some dragon's been sending letters like this to you. I think it's worth the risk, but you might want to get that cave you promosed ready. This is a secret that probably won't stay hidden for long.

I'll need a list of things you want to know about dragons, and I'll get to work on it shortly.

Thank you,
Garble

Garble,

I cannot begin to appreciate this decision you just made. This could be momumental for pony-dragon relations, and they'll remember you long after you're gone for such a bold action. After this is all over, I'll come to your cave in person to thank you, I don't think you'll ever fully understand what you're doing.

As requested, I have enclosed a list of things ponies would want to know about your species. It was so long I had to enclose it into another letter, my apologies for the extra bulk. Another thing I attached is a map of Equestria. I have dotted green your current location, and your new cave will be where the red dot is. It is a cavernous one, and even when you're full grown you should be able to have a lot of space to move around in.

Once more I have to give my thanks to you. I look forward to your writings, and all of Equestria is grateful for your service.

Signed,
Celestia

To Princess Celestia,

It finally happened. After what felt like the thousandth letter about our history, the horde found out about our pen pal service. I had to go through so many beatings before they finally let me go. It's been a week since they threw me down the mountain, that's how long it took to recover from the wounds. I'm really lucky I put all the writing materials in the forest, or else that would have been the last time you heard from me.

I had to flee for that cave you mentioned, and I was blown away. There's so many layers and rooms to it, and there's even an indoor waterfall throughout the cave. It might be hard to be exiled from a horde you founded, but this makes for a good start.

Now that I'm getting back to a routine, I should finish up on the history lesson soon, and that wraps it up on everything I know about my kind. How's that?

Signed,
Garble

For Garble,

There's a lot of things I want to say, but before I do, I want to give my apologies for your exile. I knew you ran the risk of it, but I was still hopeful it would not come to this.

That out of the way, this is one of the biggest discoveries we ever had the privilege of discovering. My scholars are hard at work on turning your notes into textbooks, and when they release it will be one of the most historical days Equestria has ever known.

Now, to discuss your payment. For every subject you agreed to cover, you shall receive the gem equivalent of 10,000 bits, and since you are credited as co-author on all future textbooks, you will get a third of all the profits they will receive, and we're expecting every copy ever made to be sold.

One more benefit is that you will be knighted in my castle for your services, and if you find you want to talk with me in person, you will have the right to do so.

Equestria will remember you forever, as they have the right to do so.

Thank you forever,
Princess Celestia

Comments

[Soothing Stone]

If Cadence is Mary Sue, she is best Mary Sue.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Wow was not expecting that!

[KillerSteel]

1030045 Wonder what would've occurred with the Changeling War had those two not used that love-nuke thing?

Perhaps I should explore this...

Don't really want to think about the situation where that over-grown bug wins...

Oh come now, Chrysalis is a good villain! And rather good reasoning, if a bit warped.

She tried to conquer Canterlot! What kind of reasoning supports that?!

Her Changelings have to feed, right? What happens if an entire race is starved?

The whole race dies out...yeah, true. Still, the Changelings could have negotiated...

Changelings lack that kind of feeling. Either you're pulled into the fold and used as food, or quietly fed on by a false lover.

Chrysalis is a 'mare' of extremes, apparently...though I do see the point in the invasion option. If it wasn't for my brother and his wife, Canterlot would've been running red with all the fighting...

And likely would've been lost.

Chilling thought...

[Pvt PartyPooper]

I get the distinct feeling he was lying through his teeth to her, and fed her all sorts of gross misinformation.