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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Anyone offering criticism that can help the story improve, don’t hesitate to tell me
Okay this is what I'm seeing.
First you used the old Twilight screwed up a spell bit. I'll admit that this is plausible as an event but it's badly overused in HiE stories. Second you used the human in Everfree trope, and that never seems to go well for some reason. It just doesn't work out. Next is the jumping around with the perspectives. From what I've seen personally that is a mixed bag. While it can be made to work you'll need to tone down the number of such incidents so that they don't break immersion.
Also a one-hit k.o. on an Ursa, that reeks of an overpowered O.C. and that has probably caught you some flak. There are some interesting ideas here, but the presentation is a little clumsy at the moment.
Do you have anyone that you can have a back and forth with to help refine your ideas? Preferably someone that know the anime and game like you do. I think that should help at least a little.
This is a bit redundant. It should read. The wave of chakra pushed away from Zeko. Also don't put the numbers in the story, instead use the proper words.
Also there is this.
You didn't follow all of the way through with the third person perspective in this paragraph.
There is some improvement already though. And one last thing too, show don't tell. When Zeko is wearing out describe him as having a hard time catching his breath, and describe if there is any dirt on him anywhere if he has hit the ground. That kind of thing.
Think about the battle scenes from the anime. Envision them in your mind and remember the details. Watch them too and pay close attention to what you see and hear. That should help a little and don't go overboard with details either.
Writing is a kind of finicky process, but you'll get there by sticking with and making, them learning from your mistakes.
Lastly here is a link to group where you should be able to get some help with pre-reading or editing. Looking for Editors I can also message you some links to a couple of author support groups I am in too.
That can help to get more eyes on what you're trying to do here.
so why does he have only one? it's either you got both or neither theres no just one.
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How many did the one other Uchiha who had a Rinnegan have? It’s not entirely impossible that he would only have one
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I had to say I love this website but the problem is when people do this. when the voice box activated dear Lord that's hell on your ears if that's in all the chapters that's going to hurt me if you could can you make it shorter so I don't need to activate it by hand
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Oh dear you’re in for a bit of pain... 😅