Chapter 11: Juice Cleanse
After Cookie and I finish dinner, I offer to take care of the dishes myself. Sadly, my motives aren’t really that generous.
After towel-drying everything, I move onto my true task. I pour Celestia’s super-charged potion out the kitchen window and rinse the bottle out thoroughly. Then I hunt around for my targets: beets and Cookie’s juicer.
After a solid leg workout, I think I have a believable-enough imitation potion. Hopefully Celestia assumes any change in color or sensed magical properties is because of whatever communing with Lauren Faust she thinks I’m doing.
***
The next morning, Celestia teleports me to her place right after sunrise. “Have a seat, Astraeus. I’ll get started on breakfast.”
“Are you sure there’s no prep work I have to do?”
“Nope. Just pretend like you made this for Luna,” Celestia says as she levitates the beet juice potion out of my hooves. “She’ll be here in about three minutes.”
I duck under a floating procession of books moving from the living room to the kitchen table and take a seat next to Starswirl the Bearded. “Morning old man, how ya been?”
The retired archmage’s gaze doesn’t leave his marching books. I watch for a few moments as he takes one book from the current and sets it on a short stack, leaving the others to float back to the bookshelves.
“Starswirl?” I ask, glancing at the book he just selected, In the Shadow of Ponies by Mane Goodall.
After watching the stallion pretend he’s seen a cockatrice a little longer, I poke him to confirm that he’s not in some kind of trance.
The stream of books hiccups and the old stallion shakes his head and registers that he’s not alone. “Astraeus! When did you get here, my colt?”
“Just now.”
“Sorry, I didn’t notice,” Starswirl says as he pulls Stallion Lynd’s Nonviolence in Mount Aris onto his stack. “Well, make yourself at home. Celestia should be in any minute now.”
“Already here,” the mare calls from the kitchen.
The stallion grumbles something about losing his horn if it weren’t attached.
“What’s with all the books, Starswirl?”
“Oh, these are for Clover. She’s starting up a new research project, so she asked me to pull some works on different species for her.” He pauses at one such title by a Jacked Largeness Bovineson. “I wonder if she’ll care about Minotaur Humor: In the Maze…”
I peruse a few titles Starswirl doesn’t remove from the floating trail until one title catches my eye: To Engineer Is Pony: The Harmony Between Failure and Successful Design. “Hey Starswirl, can I borrow this?”
He glances at the book held in my teeth. “Petrotski? It’s not exactly a light read.”
“I actually study this stuff. I’m interested to see if you ponies build differently than we do.”
“Then be my guest.”
Starswirl smiles and mutters something about earthponies and begins to drift back into his work, as Celestia announces, “One minute till Luna.” God, that pegasus must be punctual. I guess it makes sense with her being a soldier.
While I still have Starswirl alone, I figure now’s my chance. “Hey, could I ask you a question?”
“About getting you home. Yes, we’re still hard at work on the search. I think Clover and I-”
“No, not that. I mean, thank you, but my question is about the Princess.”
“What about Platinum?” For the first time, Starswirl halts his books and looks at me, genuinely curious.
“Is it true that she’ll die in childbirth?”
The stallion’s hundreds of years seem to show all at once as every part of him appears to sag under some invisible weight. “I promised Carat that I’d find a cure before she gives birth, and that’s what I intend to do.” A slight flash of anger colors his eyes and I quickly backpedal.
“I didn’t mean to imply you wouldn’t! I just wanted to know how you can fix something like that?”
The anger fades, but the stallion still looks exhausted. “I’ve many years searching for existing spells that could save her. I even traveled far away in search of knowledge beyond our tribes, but I have found nothing more than whispers of myths.”
“One minute until Luna gets here,” Celestia announces before returning to the kitchen.
Starswirl continues, apparently unphased by Celestia’s attention to schedules, “My past few years of retirement have been dedicated to creating a new spell to accomplish the task; that is what I’m best at.”
“Anything promising so far?” I ask, with genuine interest. Somehow the fate of this mare who’s just going to be consigned to pony history books and Hearth’s Warming plays matters to me.
“I am known as an expert at transfiguration magic.” A flash of Starswirl’s magic turns his quill into a bright yellow flower. “It’s a form of primordial, or background, magic that derives from nature itself.” Four petals fall off the flower creating ink blots on a blank piece of parchment. The markings loosely resemble a flame, an ocean wave, a mountain, and a spiral pattern. “Essentially I can change the properties of anything I want.”
“So, you want to change the nature of… Platinum’s uterus?”
“Congratulations, you’ve won the prize!”
He floats the flower over to my face. After a sniff to confirm that it’s actually a flower, I take a bite. “Delicious!”
“Thank you. But sadly, all my ideas so far are untestable.”
“Why?”
“That kind of magic is dangerous,” he answers darkly. “I can turn you into a stuffed animal and then return you to normal without issue. But if I want to fix whatever makes Platinum’s matrilineal line vulnerable, I’d need to know how to just change part of a pony. Experimentation along that line is impossible, and I doubt Dr. Leech will advance the field of biology enough in her lifetime, so I’m at a standstill until I’m blessed with inspiration.”
“Blessed by the Goddess Faust?”
“Oh, has Celestia been filling your head with that nonsense? Don’t listen to a word of it.” Starswirl raises his voice and faces the kitchen, “There is absolutely no evidence that we were created by some divine alicorn.”
Just then, the tower’s main door opens and I hear plates of armor clatter to the floor, “Don’t tell me you brought me over here to watch you two argue, Celestia.”
The mare in question rushes out with various plates and glasses levitating in her magic. “Not at all! I just wanted to make you breakfast since Asteraeus made a present for you.” Celestia looks at me expectantly.
“Oh yeah, it’s just a traditional human… smoothie!”
“What’s a smoothie?” Luna puzzles.
Well, I guess I’m inventing healthy frozen drinks in this world. Better than getting their moon god killed. “Celestia, could you magic some ice up and then crush it into tiny flakes?”
Celestia looks concerned at the deviation. “Are you sure? Won’t that lessen the flavor?”
“No,” I give Celestia the confident smile of someone who knows ice won’t reduce the efficacy of nonmagical beet juice at all. “I promise, this step is essential.”
Celestia follows my instructions and brings out our banquet.
“Why the feast, sister?” Luna asks as she takes her seat. Still eyeing me with suspicion or curiosity. “Is something bothering you?”
“What?” The mare almost loses her magical grip on the ‘potion.’ “Nothing wrong here! I just thought an occasion like this deserved a large meal.”
“And what occasion are we celebrating?” Luna asks as Celestia sets the smoothie, some hay bacon, and a salad down in front of her sister.
“W-well we… we um…”
“Smoothies aren’t just any normal drink,” I jump in to cover for the stammering white mare. “On earth, we only make them for people we’re close with. It’s my way of saying ‘thank you’ for showing me Canis Major the other night.”
“What‽” Both mares cry out in unison. I see Luna blushing about as hard as she probably can with her dark coat and realize how that probably sounded.
Starswirl, somehow, remains transfixed on his books. He’s either being polite, or this research of Clover’s is really important to him.
When Luna turns away out of embarrassment, I shoot Celestia a look that screams ‘this is your god damn fault,’ and then do damage control. “You know, close friends and things like that. You girls are basically the only friends I got here and-”
Luna turns back, posture timid but eyes sharp, “So, you have also received this smoothie of closeness, Celestia?”
“No, I-”
“Then Astraeus, would you wish me to share this with your other friend?” Luna asks with unnecessary severity. Actually, given that Celestia kinda thinks we’re half poisoning her, it might be totally justified.
The obvious answer would be ‘yes’ but Celestia’s barely hidden terror and vigorous head shaking from behind Luna suggests she thinks the potion might kill her. “No, I meant this as a gift for you, but-”
“Thank you, Astraeus. And I’m sorry for asking this, but can I accept this smoothie without giving you an answer right now? I know you’re going away soon, but this is all so sudden and I’m not used to this kind of attention from anyone other than the idiots I work with and-”
“Of course,” I smile, relieved. Crisis averted.
Luna matches my expression and begins sipping her drink. “This isn’t bad. It could use a little extra flavor and maybe some sweetness, but the idea of drinkable ice is fantastic! If only it weren’t so cold out.”
Celestia lets out a breath and serves the rest of us. I realize she’d been keeping everypony else’s plates hovering in midair.
“Why make so much food, Celestia?” Starswirl shakes his focus as Celestia sets a plate for him. “You’re not stress cooking again, are you?”
The three of us laugh as breakfast officially begins.
***
After the meal, Celestia and Starswirl begin their dish incineration game, so I walk Luna out. “I truly am happy to have you as a friend, Astraeus. No matter what, that won’t change.” She then gives me a quick nuzzle, smiles, and starts descending Starswirl’s tower.
Once the unicorns finish, Starswirl gets right back to his books. Celestia ducks below the circulating river of tomes and joins me in the living/research room.
“We did it!” The mare practically jumps for joy before nuzzling me. “Thank you, Astraeus. You don’t know what this means to me.”
“No, I think I do… But now you have nothing to worry about. So, no killing, okay?”
She nods resolutely. Her magenta eyes shimmer, tears threatening to break.
“Now, do you want to go do something fun to celebrate, or do you mind bringing me home?” Realizing what I just requested, I add, “To Cookie’s house, that is. I could walk home, but you’d have to point me in the right direction; I’ve never actually made the trip on foot.”
“I actually have some work to take care of for the pegasi. If we walk together, you’ll be able to see the fields from where I usually ascend.” Celestia approaches the coat rack to bundle up before magicking a white scarf and snow boots on me.
A shout rings out from the kitchen, “You’re going up today?”
“Yeah,” Celestia answers. “I’m making rounds in the medical ward.”
“In that case I’ll meet you there. I bet Feather Quill has some books on non-equine avian creatures.”
“That’s a good idea! But don’t wait up, we’re going to walk.”
“Why aren’t we teleporting too?” I lower my voce to a whisper. “Did the potion use up too much of your energy yesterday?”
Celestia laughs. “You’re sweet, but my horn’s fine. I just feel like slacking off a bit before work. There aren’t any urgent cases in the pegasi ward; just a few long-term patients I take care of.”
***
After trotting through the castle and greeting a number of unicorns who have begun to know me by name, we begin our trek through the frozen village.
“So, tell me more about smoothies, Astraeus.”
“Oh, on my world, well we have machines that chop up the ice so we can-”
“No, I mean about their significance to human-culture. They sounded so romantic.”
“Celestia?” I give my friend an ‘are you fucking stupid’ look.
“Yes?”
“You know I was full of shit, right?”
“What‽ How was I supposed to know that?”
“You put me on the spot, so I improvised.”
“So, it wasn’t a confession of-”
“No.” I deadpan. “They’re literally just fruity drinks people usually have for breakfast.”
“Oh. Good.” She spoke the last work with a whisper, but it wasn’t nearly quiet enough for her to think I wouldn’t hear it.
Our walk out of unicorn territory continues silently after that until…
“Astraeus of Earth…” The mare takes a deep breath in.
“You know that’s not my-”
“Just be quiet for a second please!” Her eyes widen and she tenses up before blurting out, “Sorry!”
“Don’t worry-”
“Do you have any plans for Spring’s Eve yet?”
“If you mean Winter Wrap Up, yeah. I’m scheduled to work with the earth-”
“No!” she blurts out a bit too loudly. “It’s the day before Wrap Up.”
“Oh, is it Hearths-” Fuck! That hasn’t happened yet! “I mean, is it in like four days?”
“Yes. Each tribe has their own way of celebrating and-”
“Wait! Cookie didn’t tell me about a party.”
“The earthponies hold contests, so it’s not like a typical party, and they start early in the morning. The pegasi, I’m told, do something similar. But the unicorns begin theirs at night! We hold a huge party at the castle, and-”
“Celestia, you’re babbling.”
The mare’s face goes red as she stops walking and faces me directly. “Astraeus, I was wondering if you wanted to come to the unicorn Spring’s Eve celebration?”
“Oh, sure! It sounds fun.”
“Great!” The mare’s face lights up and she begins walking again with a spring in her step.
“As long as you and your archmage buddies don’t send me back before then, I’m there!” Celestia slows to match my pace and we continue through a forest path. “Are you going to the earthpony party?”
“I can't.” She hesitates. “I work till sunset after all.”
After rounding a bend, we get to a clearing in the snow-covered trees and see a grumpy looking Starswirl sitting on his flank.
“Hey, Starswirl!” I call out.
“Ah!” The stallion huffs as he levitates himself up to a standing position and walks over to us. “Took you two long enough.”
“When do you think I can head home?”
“Oh, well let me see…” He slows down for a second. “I think we can do it the day after Spring’s Eve. Speaking of, why don’t you join us at the castle the night before spring? There’s going to be a grand party where-”
“I’m already game, old man! But I was wondering if we could hold my trip off one extra day. I promised Smart Cookie that I’d help out with Winter Wrap Up, and it just wouldn’t feel right to leave without paying her back for the room and board she’s given me.”
“Of course. I’ll inform Clover tonight.”
“Thanks! And do you mind if I invite Cookie and Luna to see me off?
“Not at all, my colt. I think that’s a wonderful idea.” The stallion brushes a tear from his eye.
“Aww, don’t start crying. I’ll miss you too, and that silly sparkly hat of yours.” I give him a reassuring nuzzle. I hope that doesn’t become a habit when I’m back on Earth.
“It’s not silly,” the stallion protests, his head shake causing the hat’s bells to jingle, proving my point.
“Yes, it is. Also, I’d like to invite this nice family I’ve gotten to know, but I assume telling them where I’m from would cause too many problems?”
“Sadly, I think the more people know the harder it’ll be to avoid answering difficult questions. And I’d really like to keep my portal magic a secret given what kinds of beasts I’ve locked away using it.”
“Like the sirens?”
“How’d you-”
“The nature of his divine blessing,” Celestia interjects after being uncharacteristically quiet for a while. “He knows secrets about our world that nopony else does.”
“Or maybe he just found your diary.” The stallion rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I need your help, Celestia.”
“What’s wrong?” the mare asks, slight concern entering her voice.
“This stupid guard won’t let me up,” He gestures to a patch of clouds overhead that appears to have a shaking pale pink and yellow tail. “She said she needed to get permission when her superior does his rounds because she was only due to bring you up. So, I told her that if I wanted to, I could just teleport into their armory and melt all of their weapons before they had time to say ‘Starswirl The Great’ and she just flew behind that cloud bank! No help whatsoever.”
“You know, most ponies take that kind of talk to be a threat,” Celestia huffs.
“Then most ponies are fools. You know, when King Carat asked about my successor’s strength, I told him Clover could find a way to break any of my protective wards with less magic than it would take to boil water for tea. He was intelligent enough to understand my meaning. Even that softhearted Scorpan had the sense to-”
“Pansy, is that you?” Celeatia interrupts.
“C-Celestia?” The cloud trembles before a rust red mare pops her head out cautiously. “Please don’t let the old archmage declare war on us. Or at least make sure he waits until somepony else’s shift.”
“Why would I waste my time attacking you foolish-”
“What he means is—” The mare looks like she’s ready to evaporate her surrogate grandfather. “—he’s just here to borrow a book from a friend while I check on my patients.”
“O-oh, okay.” The poor mare flies down with a cloud and hovers a few feet above us. “In that case, please allow me to help you up sir.” Starswirl promptly teleports himself onto the cloud and blows a raspberry at the frightened pegasus. “And will you be joining them, Mr. Earthpony?”
Celestia grins. “Have you ever seen a floating city before?”
I follow her gaze up to a densely packed group of clouds at least as big as the unicorn castle. I have an immediate sense of dread and an image of the cloud buildings I can barely make out crashing down on top of me. “Nope, and I don’t think I need to.”
“You’ll be perfectly safe once I cast a cloudwalking spell on you.” To demonstrate, the mare encases her feet in a golden glow and steps up alongside Starswirl. “The pegasi architecture really is a sight to behold.”
“Really, I’m good. I’ve already crashed down from this sky one too many times.”
I walk the rest of the way alone to the earthpony farmland where Smart Cookie is making marks on her clipboard. “There you are, colt. You’re not starting to think I’m letting you live in my house rent free?”
“Just having doubts about working for a task-master who doesn’t even tell me about upcoming parties.” As I protest, I harness myself into a cart she already loaded with fertilizer.
“What are you going on about?”
“Celestia invited me to this unicorn party the night before Wrap Up. She said that we do one during the day, why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“Because I wanted to see if your marefriend had the guts to ask you.” The old mare breaks out into a shit-eating grin. “Thanks for giving me my answer. Nice scarf by the way. Isn't that her color?
“Now be a dear and get this cart over to the Lilly family.” She pats my dumbstruck face twice on the cheek. “I hope there’s still enough blood in your head for you to remember where they live.”
***
After a long day of hauling manure and trying to figure out how to get back at Cookie, we finally return home. I immediately head up to my room to check out the Horsey Petrotski book Starswirl loaned me.
I barely get more than a page into chapter thirteen when-
“Mother Bucker!”
I run down to make sure Cookie is alright and find her standing at the backdoor.
“What happened?”
“Look at what happened to my poor flowers, Astraeus.”
I step past her and see a gaping hole in her flower bed. The one that’s right under the kitchen window. The kitchen window I dumped Celestia’s potion out of last night.
“Shit.”
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Whoops.
Looks like he's gonna stay there a little longer. XD
11285223
Thanks!
DAMN IT MURPHY'S LAW! I was thinking, "hey, there isn't any clear way that Celestia can realize how she's been duped for a long time, if at all." And then this. Somehow, the potion couldn't eat through glass or gold, but it ate through the dirt.
Edit: There was a perfect explanation: That Celestia didn't put in enough magic to fully kill the corruption.
Also, that potion is going to China.
11286119
He just could tell everything to celestia and luna, so they could kill chrysalys inmediately, Luna never going to the nightmare, so discord can be turned to stone indefinetely, tirek killed too instead, and his revellion squashed faster, and so on, everything cuold be avoided, considering that all the enemies twilight encounters are just returnening threats, with the exception of the storm king, in which it could also be avoided.
Talk about accidentally digging a hole to china. Nice story I'm definitely following.
Good read
11287223
11287812
Thanks!
11286136
Gold and glass are quite inert materials.
..... Well it's a good thing Luna didn't drink that.
11286462
Yeah they could, but what about everything the Mane 6 learn about themselves and friendship? What about the Elements of Harmony? Twilight becoming Princess Twilight? The Gaudy Crystal Tree Castle of Gaudiness? The School of Friendship?
Should they hold everponies hoof throughout their lives? What if taking care of those villains beforehoof actually has the opposite effect of what you intended? The ponies may find themselves facing a villain (or villains) that may turn out to be an even greater threat.