What if a fan of My Little Pony was suddenly sent to the world of the show, before Equestria was even founded? In an attempt to get home and survive tribal pony society, Astraeus must enlist the help of the royal sisters before they've ascended.
Can he return to his family without permanently ruining the sisters' future and that of all of Equestria? And will he be able to resist using his knowledge of both the show and modern technology to help his new allies?
Special thanks to PeerImagination for being an amazing editor. You rock!
Cover by slifertheskydragon.
Chapters (12)
if I may make a suggestion, it would be better if his knowledge of the timeline ended up being useless, especially if his interactions may alter the course of the future. He is, afterall, the rippling effection along a lake, a smaller change in the past may end up being a big change in the future.
9092102
Oh don't worry, the timeline he knows becomes outdated very quickly. In fact, 'Ripples' is the unofficial title I gave to the outline of the series I hope to turn this story into.
9092111
Oh good, thank you. It's just I've came across too many HiE where the human has knowledge of the timeline and tries to use said-knowledge to prevent alot of bad without anything backfiring or have any consequences.
9092126
Well I hope you stick around and continue reading. I think you'll be very happy.
Let’s see how bad the timeline gets.
Nice first start, I'm liking this. Can't wait to see what hijinks they'll be put through. Follow this, you may get featured if you try your best.
9092224
Thank you so much! I definitely will. I have the book all planned out so hopefully you'll like execution.
Very good so far, I like how you excicuted the introductions.
Something I noticed.
At this point, she hasn't introduced herself yet.
I look forward to seeing how this goes.
9092316
Thanks! And good catch, I'll fix that right away. I really appreciate you pointing that out, and I hope you like the rest of the story.
This is pretty good pal. I'm just new here, but this seems to have a good start.
Well, this look interesting. Like and Track.
this looks fascinating! I'll be sure to keep an eye on it.
9092888
9093067
9093313
Thank you so much! I really hope you enjoy the rest of it.
A fairly uncommon HiE setup, paired with a solid introduction. And your comments seem to indicate good things for the future.
If I were to offer some criticism, the first part, especially with discovering the changes, was a bit rushed. More time should have been spent on emotions, environmental events, and reactions. In general, the time it takes to read a certain action or reaction should be proportionate to the length of the event in the story (or perceived length). This could mean sentences are more padded with description, or shortened to fit fast-paced action.
However, after that, your writing was pretty solid. I'm definitely looking forward for more.
9094412
Thank you so much for the comment and feedback! I really appreciate it, especially since this is my first crack at writing fiction. I'll definitely keep your advice in mind going forward, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
I’m going to favorite this to keep an eye on the story
I really wish there was more to read! It's exciting already, especially with the crater creator who knows about Equestria's creators.
9109153
I'm glad you enjoyed it! And don't worry, chapter 2 will be out soon.
I was waiting so hard for this to be updated. It was worth the wait.
This is going to be interesting. Love this
Watched with interest.
Dying to see how things turn out now.
I waited for so long and I still want more. You have good writing skills.
The answer is, "yes, and the dice are loaded"
Don't be like me and procrastinate, but don't feel too bad for updating slowly. The quality is worth it.
Interesting. Some decent world-building, and a character with potential, even if not a lot is known about him right now.
I do like Celestia's reaction to finding out about the future, but I have a feeling she's not going to leave things alone.
Hmm, Earth Pony, Pegasus, Unicorn...I sense three Alicorns in the future...Or maybe a draconequus...
I rather like this story. I think its a good start. My only complaint is that you kind of made him a bit dense in the beginning. I found myself shaking my head thinking, "You dense...... dense, motherf@cker...." during the initial meeting with Lulu.
Great start though, I look forward to more.
The Monk
I can't be the only one who thinks that sounds slightly ominous . . .
Or maybe it's just me.
9187016
I'm hoping a draconequus. After all, he's a human suddenly in a world of magic so odds are he'd be willing to do just about anything to get magic (outside deplorable acts... maybe) including delving into forbidden/taboo research to give himself magic or possibly bring out dormant magic (humans are wonderfully chaotic, aren't we?). Something that would probably set him on a slow course to insanity.
Especially when it gets to the point where he's just dragging Celestia and Luna down and feels the need to get some kind of power boost.
Maybe he ends up as Sombra? Sombra's horn certainly didn't look normal, artificial perhaps?
I was kinda hoping that whatever sent him would block the MLP memories from Celestia or cause some kind of problem when she used the spell. OC/SI fanfics (not just MLP ones) always get cringey fast after the protagonist reveals that they know the MC's as fictional characters. Honestly, I wish more would use the smart, and much more believable, lie of 'visions' like you at least had him attempt when it gets to the point that the MC's realize the protagonist knows more than they should. It makes a lot more sense, especially in a world with magic/abilities, than "I'm from another universe entirely where you're from my favorite show called (Insert Show Name) and somehow got transported here."
You know. Nothing ever good comes from the Greater Good.
Especially not from a certain pink-haired unicorn who knows a full-dive memory spell that she can force onto others and a reason to do so (in her mind).
More pls
9607674
I finally have a good amount of free time so the next chapter should be done soon! Thank you and everyone else who read for your patience.
9609368
No problem keep up the good work
9609421
Thanks!
9609646
Its just alot off writers have stalled on there stuff and yess i do understand thing come up but there no excuse for not continue ing a story for 3 or more years dont u agree
9609744
I do agree, although I was too ashamed to respond to this before since I was taking forever with this fic. It's not as bad as 3 years, but I hope you can forgive my year and a half hiatus. Chapter 4 will be out very soon.
10044154
Ur good i was thinking about writeing a story myself but i need help
Great to see this story alive. Now, for Celestia's trial, this is the music that brought the mood for me:
It's called "Birth of a Wish"
The wait was long, but it was worth it. Can't wait to see what's next
Your first fic? Not bad.
The first 10 or so paragraphs are bland and common. The typical cliche 'I'm naked, I have no hands, am I dreaming?' It actually read WAY too much like a story I wrote a while back - which was written for fun, and not meant to be good. After that beginning, it gets better. Interesting at least, and the pacing is fast, but that's fine by me. And I have a soft spot for fics told in first person and present tense. That being said, there's a reason most people don't write that way. It's hard. It's hard to get everything straight, because the narrator must be speaking as if it's internal dialogue. That's hard because when you tell a story, you're automatically going to tell it as if it had already occurred, mostly through hindsight. When you try to turn that upside down and tell a story in the moment it's happening, you're still in that past tense mode, and trying to fight it and say what's happening to the protagonist and what he's feeling in that particular moment. So when our protagonist wakes up in a strange place, in the middle of the night, in a hole in the ground, in the freezing cold, finding out he's not only naked and alone, but also has been transformed into a creature vastly different than what he was, and an armed and angry stranger holds a sharp spear to his throat and threatens his life... what is he thinking in that particular moment?
Hm. In hindsight it would be cool. I've been in plenty of dangerous and scary situations that I can look back on and think it was cool, that makes sense. They weren't cool in the moment, though. They were dangerous and scary.
The conversation is good. It feels natural enough. Also the situation and actions are believable. Though it's a little odd to 'hear' Luna talk as, well, not royalty. But of course she isn't yet, so I'll give you that one. At the end, though, it got a little bit weird, when she went from being a battle-hardened spy-hunting soldier to a giddy school girl.
set up
any more. There's another 'anymore' but that one's legit.
Here's another example why present tense is so difficult. The tense usually must be present when talking about things occurring in that paragraph (or even just one sentence sometimes) only. If it happened previous, it becomes past tense. Juggling tenses is an absolute pain, believe me, I know. So here, we start with Luna in past tense. While technically you could argue that because she had done these actions before the point at which the narrator/protagonist makes note of them, it still feels a bit awkward (incidentally, that's another problem you can run into, where tense is technically correct, but feels weird to the lay reader). I was going to offer a suggestion, but the more I think about it, the more I think it should really just be present tense. Otherwise, something like this, perhaps:
Again, this sentence starts in past tense, again the same technicality, except that one fits much better, and I think it's completely correct. After that, though, we're still in past tense, 'cut' and 'said.'
your*
Overall a nice bit of worldbuilding, and I hope you write more.
Oh, almost forgot. Remember your medium:
This is pretty good an I hope to see more soon.
Nice chapter, nice seeing you back.
Heeeeeeyyyyyy.. I get that reference! :D
10060832
This is great background music for that scene!
I wonder what happens next...