In just one chapter Cadance and Shining arrived in the Crystal Empire, the pink one caused trouble, was spared from execution and now Lorenzo and the others are on their way to Canterlot with an airship. Though that's just me.
Otherwise your chapters are in dire need of some editing. There were a lot of errors a normal grammar correction program could have found and eliminated for you already.
please make Lorenzo rant to Celly and Lulu why they can't have the empire and why even if they did get it they would be back to square one within the month, I could give you a few ideas in that if you want
Honestly, my only real gripe is the fact you don't place spaces after commas, but besides a few misplaced words and the commas, it's not bad. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this. I see potential.
9949495 It is? I looked through a bunch of stories for inspiration for the story, but damn it's been years since I've read that story,since as far as I know it's dead af
9769814 The short answer is yes, you can make hydrogen from water since water is two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. And it is possible to separate the two. The process just isn't all that efficient for large scale use.
9950194 Ah that explains the similarities, but I would still highly advise reading the emperor story as the first book was finished and it pulled off what you are doing but way better paced and worded. Probably to late to make your story not seem like a copycat since you said you don’t have time to fix it in a different comment but hopefully it changes and becomes something new and different in the later chapters. If not I’ll probably just leave a like and fav and quietly leave.
I just want to say that, in the context of a minigun, projectiles of any kind are always lethal. Minigun don't rely on penetration. Their stopping power comes from the fact that they are spitting hundreds of high velocity projectiles at you in a very short amount of time. Think of it this way the first rubber bullet hurts and bruises, the second penetrates. Repeat this pattern fifty times and you get a sevearly mamed (or dead if it was her head) Cadence. Not a pretty picture.
10967901 while true she is an alicorn, and thus has regenerative abilities that far exceed any actual mortal ponies capacity to heal, she's not anywhere near the same level as celestia or luna tho
Hm, not bad, really. But the pacing feels off.
In just one chapter Cadance and Shining arrived in the Crystal Empire, the pink one caused trouble, was spared from execution and now Lorenzo and the others are on their way to Canterlot with an airship. Though that's just me.
Otherwise your chapters are in dire need of some editing. There were a lot of errors a normal grammar correction program could have found and eliminated for you already.
9068480
i have an editor ,just got her today,and to be fair,I wrote these around 3 am
9068503
Don't worry, that wasn't me grumbling, just two things I noticed for myself.
9068577
okie ^W^
please make Lorenzo rant to Celly and Lulu why they can't have the empire and why even if they did get it they would be back to square one within the month, I could give you a few ideas in that if you want
Honestly, my only real gripe is the fact you don't place spaces after commas, but besides a few misplaced words and the commas, it's not bad. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this. I see potential.
Let's see Bluebloods reaction when he finds out who the new Ruler of the Crystal Empire is, hopefully after insulting Lorenzo.
You do know that fusion cells use hydrogen right?
9115353
cant you make that from water and water from snow and ice?
9769814
Wat
This is... bizarrely similar to Nigel M Chalmers, Emperor by Dropbear... like really similar.
9949495
It is? I looked through a bunch of stories for inspiration for the story, but damn it's been years since I've read that story,since as far as I know it's dead af
lololololololool
9769814
The short answer is yes, you can make hydrogen from water since water is two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. And it is possible to separate the two. The process just isn't all that efficient for large scale use.
10214102
Why are you repeating what you've said before? Lol
Also would you like to chat on discord?
9950194
Ah that explains the similarities, but I would still highly advise reading the emperor story as the first book was finished and it pulled off what you are doing but way better paced and worded. Probably to late to make your story not seem like a copycat since you said you don’t have time to fix it in a different comment but hopefully it changes and becomes something new and different in the later chapters. If not I’ll probably just leave a like and fav and quietly leave.
I just want to say that, in the context of a minigun, projectiles of any kind are always lethal. Minigun don't rely on penetration. Their stopping power comes from the fact that they are spitting hundreds of high velocity projectiles at you in a very short amount of time.
Think of it this way the first rubber bullet hurts and bruises, the second penetrates. Repeat this pattern fifty times and you get a sevearly mamed (or dead if it was her head) Cadence. Not a pretty picture.
10967901
while true she is an alicorn, and thus has regenerative abilities that far exceed any actual mortal ponies capacity to heal, she's not anywhere near the same level as celestia or luna tho
ok 6/10. I feel like this story is going to paint my walls and me plaid from sheer speed.