- Member Since 10th Nov, 2017
- offline last seen Yesterday
Shadowflameking
What fun is there in making sense? -Discord, Lord Of Chaos.
Shadowflameking
Joined 10th Nov, 2017 ·
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Shadowflameking · 163k words · 313 24 · 5.6k views
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Hm, not bad, really. But the pacing feels off.
In just one chapter Cadance and Shining arrived in the Crystal Empire, the pink one caused trouble, was spared from execution and now Lorenzo and the others are on their way to Canterlot with an airship. Though that's just me.
Otherwise your chapters are in dire need of some editing. There were a lot of errors a normal grammar correction program could have found and eliminated for you already.
9068480
i have an editor ,just got her today,and to be fair,I wrote these around 3 am
9068503
Don't worry, that wasn't me grumbling, just two things I noticed for myself.
9068577
okie ^W^
please make Lorenzo rant to Celly and Lulu why they can't have the empire and why even if they did get it they would be back to square one within the month, I could give you a few ideas in that if you want
Honestly, my only real gripe is the fact you don't place spaces after commas, but besides a few misplaced words and the commas, it's not bad. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this. I see potential.
Let's see Bluebloods reaction when he finds out who the new Ruler of the Crystal Empire is, hopefully after insulting Lorenzo.
What no Fat man?
Aw I wanted him to DIE
9089263
hehe ya miiiiight get ya wish
Blueblood is still alive?! Awww... I wanted him to die to a Fat Man.
9089351
he might die in later chapter,keep ya horse shoes on
9089259
i never said there wasen't a fatman,if i did then that was an error since i write these things while half asleep most the time
9089398
I meant why didn't he use one here?
9089397
Please make sure he does.
9089403
the rules of the duel was no guns,only melee weapons lol
9089410
And during the "TESTING" with the other nations?
9089412
because I don't want the other kingdoms to try and make there own fatman,and besides the fact the ammo factory mod dosent make fatman mini nukes so he only has a limited supply?
9089414
KK
9089416
so ya like the story so far?
9089418
Could use a LIBERTY PRIME Fallout 3 edition.....Wait can he make one?
9089420
no i hate fo3 liberty prime if i do use it it will be fallout 4 style and no,but maybe the crystal ponies can hehe
9089480
.....But Fo3 is impossible to kill unless you use a kill sat and F04 prime CAN be killed without it
9089485
thats mah point,if i have liberty prime he cant be unkillable
9089494
Or you could have him "Break-Down" after a set amount of time since this world doesn't have the tech required to make him operate continuously.
9089503
i dont think ill have liberty prime in dis story honestly,dont think he would fit
9089494
Or you could have him AND the Fo4 version but use the Fo4 more often and only get the Fo3 out if the Fo4 version cant do it alone
9089506
What about Tirek and changlings attempt no2? Or the "STORM KING"
Not to be rude or anything but I think you should of made the griffin king and the minatour king less nice. Or how about this have them be more greedier or something like there actually holding back tech from each other while actually having better technology back home and they keep on trying to steal each other’s ideas
Sry to me it feels like there not enough Personality to them
9089513
the changelings are part of the empire,and the empire itself has minute men artillery,laser weapons,missile launchers,and combat robots ,im sure it will be well enough defended
9089546
due to the Arms Agreement Treaty they share tech so they are defended against things like the diamond dogs and dragons
9089548
I forgot about that part but still there is Tirek and the storm king
9089554
again,laser and rocket weapons along with long range artillery that EXPLODES upon contact with a target???
9089567
And you cant write a story without him Leaving the empire sometimes. It would be a good idea to be prepared.
Please continue
9089552
That's kinda of my thing I'm not getting. I always see nobles and royalty as greedy money grubbing lairiers that would do anything as long as it benefits them. And the way you wrote them shows me there not.
I'm sry but it doesn't seem realistic. Did any of them ever break the treaty or even lied about what there showing?
9068731
yes i would like that thanks,just private message me and only luna will give me crap about not giving the empire to cadence,private message me and ill try to work it into the next chapter
Ooohh, i love it!
9102401
hehe thanks ^W^
9102401
btw if ya like my stories and havent already,follow me and never miss an update
Please continue
why do i get a feeling that cloak figure is a curtain pink princess or a curtain blue balls
Solution to everything, baseball bat tp the head.
Its starting to get a little old for how everyone takes a bat to the head.
9102875
I don’t think blue balls would go himself but hire someone else to do something about our friend. Cadence on the other hand is acting like a spoiled child that won’t get what she wants. I can definitely see her doing something.
Kinda thinking about how Bluebloods death was forgotten. It would have been good to see Equestria's reaction to that news.
9114166
nopony cared about him since his titel was taken and so was his money and horn,he lost his popularity to the other nobles
Your welcome for the rant Lorenzo gave them almost word for word not that I'm against it, you might want to go through it and fix the minor mistakes we both made like 'she would ruling' or the lack of spaces after commas, and 2 things: Cadence is supposed to be their niece not cousin, and was Luna misinterpreting what he said? He really only said Cadence wasn't welcome, why aside from the letters does Luna feel such over a minor mistake (fuck up) like this?
9114242
this is an alt universe where there cousins and luna thinks lorenzo was a tryant by how cadence told her of em
9114286
okay
9114286
cadence is a fucking lieing bitch