• Published 14th Jun 2018
  • 5,958 Views, 72 Comments

Recuperation, Relaxation, Realisation - Cackling Moron

Recovering from a freak teleporter accident is a lot easier when your best friend insists on helpling you.

  • ...

Hose me down

Author's Note:

Did I mention I was moving? The combo of going to work, coming in, spending six hours packing and hoofing boxes around has distilled a fine blend of total exhaustion in me. Plotting this thing through in my head is a sweet release, but the tiredness may well mean the practical results are, ahem, garbled.

Which is to say I'm fucking knackered and if this reads weird that's why.

I can always clean it up later, right? I just want to keep this going!

Rainbow and me got back to mine sometime when it had start to approach evening.

Once in I was immediately herded upstairs and confined to my bed - despite my protests - and then told in no uncertain terms to stay put while she went off to ‘get stuff’. What this involved was unclear, but from the little I could spy from my window it seemed to involve a lot of coming and going and a lot of flying around. I felt lazy just watching her go back and forth

I kind of wanted to get up and wander around, if just to stretch my legs if nothing else, but was worried about the chewing out I might have got from Rainbow if she found me out of bed. So I stayed put and twiddled my thumbs and thought about how much I disliked being constrained so.

Eventually, some time later, Rainbow finished getting stuff.

“Right! That’s everything we’ll need to get you better! I’m back for good now. How is the patient?” She asked, coming into the room and putting on what I assumed was a medical tone of voice. Or a Rainbow-like approximation of one. Just sounded adorable to me.

“The patient is fine, really, thank you,” I said.

Then I squinted at her. Something was different, but I couldn’t work out what. Then it hit me and I wondered how it had taken me so long to notice.

“Are you wearing clothes? Are you dressed as a nurse?”

She was. Specifically as a pony-esque version of what people would think of if asked to picture a fifties-era American nurse - white dress, white hat and all that. Probably completely wrong, but it got the point across immediately.

It was actually the same as what I’d seen one or two ponies wearing back at the hospital, and I wondered if Rainbow had asked to borrow one. And I wondered why they’d said yes if so.

Only at that moment did I seem to appreciate that every day I’d seen Rainbow since first meeting her she had been stark-bollock naked. At the time it hadn’t even crossed my mind, but now it was the only thing I could think about.

But it was fine, right? I mean, it just seemed to be the thing around here. Just about everyone was naked all the time. Except maybe the occasional hat or whatever, or the ones who wore a costume just to show what their profession was for whatever reason. Just how ponies rolled. But still. Weird, to me, as a human to strut around nude constantly.

And me, in turn, probably weird to them for insisting on being clothed all the time. Right?

It was about then I also realised that I’d just been staring at her a little slack-jawed while thinking all this, and that she had gone very, very red.

“L-look, I’m going to be taking care of you and it just...I thought it was what you meant to do!” She all-but shouted.

I swallowed.

“Well I think it looks good on you. I mean it suits you. I mean you look good. I mean, uh…”

I didn’t know what I meant, really. She looked cute. Incredibly cute, in fact. So cute I kind of wanted to just keep looking at her. And and grab her and pull her in close and squeeze her while making squealing sounds of glee.

On top of which my brain was still methodically going back through all the time we’d spent together and updating it with my fresh horror at her having been nude throughout. Her writhing adorably on my lap took on a whole new meaning now, as much as I might like it not to.

This sort of human prudishness was no use for me here, but damnit if I couldn’t make it go away. I was the weird one here, despite what my brain was telling me! Everyone else was on the same page in Equestria, I just needed to get on it as well.

“You okay?” She asked, snapping me out of my tailspin of a thought spiral. My face was burning and, I imagined, beet-red.

“Me? Y-yeah! Ab fab, me. Just a little hot. I’ll just - ah - just open that window, hang on,” I said, making to get out of bed, but Rainbow beat me to it.

“I’ll get it!” She chirped, zipping across the floor in a blur and fiddling it the catch while i did my best not to look at her arse.

Her arse had always been there! Only now with the rest of her covered up it seemed so, so much more obvious! Why should it matter! There’s nothing new about it! It’s the same as it’s always been! The only new thing here was that you were noticing!

This was madness. Pull yourself together, man. She’s your friend and she’s not even human. If she noticed you looking at her rear she would be appalled! Then where would you be? All alone, that’s what. Back to being a stranger in a strange land.

Oh God. If she noticed she’d probably tell everyone. Or everyone would find out somehow. You’d be branded the weird, alien pervert and shunned accordingly. You’d have no-one.

Oh God again. What if Twilight refused to cooperate with you as a result? What if she stopped trying to figure out how to get me home? I’d be stranded and alone! Until I died!

Okay, maybe getting a little dramatic but still, somewhere in there is a point of sorts. It would not look good to be found staring at anyone’s bum, no matter who it was, though the bum of your best friend probably ranks higher on that. So I settled instead on just watching my hands. It seemed a safe option.

“Better?” She asked, returning with a smile. Now that she was facing towards me again I felt it was safer to look up.

I had to admit, the breeze coming through the window certainly was nice.

“Yes, thank you. I could have done that, you know.”

“There’s lots you could do, but you won’t be because I’m looking after you. That’s how this works,” she said at least semi-sternly. Weirdly, the outfit actually gave her a certain whiff of authority and I was suitably cowed. I ended up looking at my hands again, fiddling with the blanket.

They only had blankets here, not duvets. This had offended me deeply at first but now I was used to it. Generally too warm for anything heavier anyway, though it did make me worry about winter. I assumed they had a winter.

Would I still be around then?

I wondered, briefly, what Rainbow would look like in a scarf. Overwhelmingly adorable, probably, and for a moment I enjoyed the thought. But then further thoughts about nudity reared their unhelpful head and ruined everything.

This wasn’t fun at all.

“You sure you’re okay? You keep zoning out,” she said, concerned now.

“Yes, yes, totally fine. Sorry. Deep in thought.”

“About what?”

I could feel myself turn red again and I couldn’t look her in the eye.

“Oh you know,” I said helplessly, shrugging, tugging at a loose thread. “Just human things.”

Glancing up I could see she didn’t believe this.

“Uh, okay. Have fun with that. I have a plan for this evening,” she said, changing the subject much to my delight. I was able to look at her properly again.

“A plan?”

“Yes! It goes like this: First I feed you, because you have to be hungry. Second, you get sponged down, because it’s been days and you smell ripe. Third, I put that salve stuff on you. Fourth, we hang out. This is the plan.”

I scratched my chin.

“A reasonable plan. Do I get to ask questions?”

“You get one question.”

“‘Sponged down’?”

It seemed the most urgent one.

“I went to the nurses at Ponyville General to ask how you were supposed to show with that thing on your arm and they said you should have a sponge bath. So I asked them what a sponge bath was and they told me. You have a bath here, I know you do I’ve seen it, and I got a sponge.”

“Oh. Oh great. That sounds great,” I said, grimacing. Nothing boosts the dignity like being dabbed with a damp sponge while sitting naked in a tub of water.

“Hey, you need it. You’ve been stuck in bed for days. And you’re going to be stuck in bed for a few more days, too! So you better get used to it,” she said, entirely reading my reaction the wrong way.

“It’s not that. I mean, it’s kind of a step down for you though, isn’t it? Controlling the weather one day, fighting evil the next and then rounding it all off with a pleasant evening spent rubbing down some dickhead in a bathtub.”

I’d clearly crossed some sort of line with that one, because she looked cross with me.

“Listen,” she said, glaring. “You’re my friend, I’m looking after you. Stop trying to make it sound like I don’t want to because I do. This is what being friends is about - you don’t leave when the bad bits happen!”

You know, as grim, gritty and adult as it might be to spurn anything that isn’t punching angry monsters in the face while you eat raw meat, there’s a lot to be said for loyalty, honesty, generosity, laughter and kindness. I mean, they’re pretty great if you think about it.

I was suitably cowed.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“Just stop being so down on yourself. I don’t like it. You’re a cool guy but you’re whining too much. And you should smile, too.”

I had to, after that. Couldn’t help myself.

“Anything else you’d like me to do while I’m at it?”

“The smiling is good for now. I’ll tell you if I get any other ideas.”

“I wait with bated breath,” I said.

My stomach then butted in by growling loudly. Damn stomach. Rainbow looked triumphant though.

“See? My plan predicted this. I’ll be back!”

And off she went.

Sort of wished I’d been left with a book or magazine or something. I could only twiddle my thumbs so much before they got sore.

Fortunately, Rainbow was indeed right back. Turned out that her idea of what to feed me was simple, and it was just soup with bread which she brought up by somehow managing to perfectly balance the bowl on the plate and the plate on a tray which was, in turn, balanced on her back. Having wings helped but still - impressive stuff!

“Soup?” I asked as she expertly slid the tray off onto my lap. The soup steamed at me.

“Ponies - er, people? Is that the word?” I nodded, she beamed with pride. “People who are sick have soup. So soup!”

“...can’t fault that logic. Thank you.”

I ate. Ravenously. So ravenously I didn’t really mind having Rainbow watching over me the whole time. From the satisfied way she took the tray away from me I got the impression if I hadn’t eaten it all she would have told me off. Got to keep my strength up and all that.

She took it back downstairs and while she was there I even heard the brief sounds of washing up - to my amazement! - before he reappeared, perky and energised as only rainbow could be. Lovely lady that she is.

With some food in me I felt much, much better. Settled. More able to think clearly. Obviously that had been the problem - low blood sugar. I was on top of the world again now, and calm of mind.

Which meant that I could say:

“Did you really think you had to dress like a nurse to look after me?”

With a clean conscience, and fully enjoy the aggrieved look on Rainbow’s face and the little stamp of the hoof she gave as well.

“Shut up!”

“Cutest nurse I ever did see!” I said, reaching out for an ear-scratch since she’d foolish come too close. This knocked the little hat askew, which somehow just served to make her even cuter looker. Were such a thing possible.

“S-shut up!” She said again, far less forcefully than before, trying and failing to resist the allure of the scratch, which became a more general stroking, then me just pulling her in towards me as I leant up for a strange half-bed-half-her-standing cuddle thing.

Yes it was awkward and yes if I’d had both arms free I would have just lifted her up onto the bed with me, but I was injured and I’d just wanted to hold her. Was that wrong?

“You can hop up here, if you want,” I found myself saying before I’d even really had the chance to think about it. Some part of me perhaps just thought it was what should be happening at that moment. Rainbow had a look that suggested she might agree, then her earnest desire to nurse me back to health kicked in and she pulled away.

“No,” she said, then, more softly: “I mean, I’d like to, but I have a plan.”

“Oh yeah.”

I’d forgotten about the plan.

“Just wait here, I’ll run the bath. Just wait here, okay?”

She spoke in tones of such gentleness that I could do nothing but obey, sitting and listening to the sound of running water, feeling a certain sense of building unease about what was to come but knowing I couldn’t really do anything about it. Had Rainbow even seen me with my shirt off before? I did not think so. The robe from the hospital was probably about the most risque thing I’d ever worn around her.

Certainly, whatever happened next was going to be an experience for both of us.

Once the water stopped running she came back to get me and I shuffled stiffly out the bedroom and into the bathroom. It wasn’t a big house. In all senses of the word. It had not been built with my dimensions in mind. The number of times I’d forgotten to duck and caught my head on doorframe were now beyond counting.

“I’m going to have to take my clothes off for this, aren’t I?” I asked, standing before the tub. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“That’s how it works, yeah.”

I continued to stand staring at the water.

“I’m shy,” I said.

“Oh for the love of-”

Before I could work out what it was she was doing she moved in, took a chunk of the cobbled-together hospital robe between her teeth and pulled. The robe - which was flimsy to start with - came apart immediately. I was not wearing anything underneath, and covering myself when I had one arm broken was not easy.

“Holy hell Rainbow what are you doing! At least warn me first. Or buy me dinner, Jesus,” I said, trying and failing to remain both dignified and modest. She’d turned away to spit the robe out and stayed looking away.

“Just get into the bath. I won’t watch,” she said. So I did that. This was not a turn of events I’d expected, and I was a little surprised at how not-horrified I was by the whole thing. Probably tiredness.

At least the bath was nicely warm.

I settled into the water. Suddenly, having a pony-sized bath was a good thing because it meant that I was scrunched up with my knees by my chin, which meant I was not just spread out and exposed. Which at that moment was about the best I could hope for.

“You done?” I heard her ask. True to her word Rainbow was still looking the other way and I was about to thank her for that when I noticed her position relative to the bathroom mirror and her eyes that I could see in said mirror. If I could see her eyes, well - I wasn’t as impressed anymore.

Bit late though.

“Done,” I said.

“Okay. Now don’t make this weird,” she said,

“Oh! We wouldn’t want that!”

I glanced over my shoulder at her and saw that she was somehow holding a sponge with her hoof. I’d stopped worrying about how that was meant to work some time ago. Turning back forwards again I let out a breath, relaxed, and just let things flow over me.

Rainbow attacked the task with admirable professionalism. She dipped, she scrubbed, she was delicate with me and - as far as I could tell - the fact I was sat naked in front of her was not a big deal.

How was she so bloody casual about this? Was this a pony thing? They were all nude all the time - as I couldn’t stop thinking about, now! - so maybe they just didn’t care? I was kind of getting that impression, though the way her eyes kept darting around made me suspicious.

“You’re very smooth,” she said, out of nowhere.

“...thank you?”

“You know what I mean. Not like a pony. No coat. It’s...different.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“I like different.”

Couldn’t think of anything to say to that. Didn’t trust myself to say anything to that. So I just stayed quiet, and she was quiet too.

Every so often the sponge would go over or near one of the burns and I would wince and she would apologise and go just that bit more gently the next time. This made the whole thing take much longer, or at least made it feel like it took much longer. The sun was well on its way below the horizon by the time she said she was done, certainly.

“I’ll get you a towel,” she said. She then got me a towel.

Sometimes things are simple.

“You’ll need to be dry for the salve stuff. They told me so.”

“Oh, right. Yeah. Uh. Can you just…”

I glanced towards the door, hoping she’d get the hint. She did not.

“Can you just step outside for a second while I get dry?”

Again Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“Alright. You guys really have a thing about this, don’t you?”

“We do!”

“Alright, alright…”

Out she went, and then I spent a minute or two clumsily drying myself using only one arm. Results were mixed, but I judged them good enough.

And with that done the next stage of Rainbow’s plan started. Salve application.

The salve applying was the most horrendous thing that happened to me in recent memory. Nearly dying didn’t count, because I hadn’t nearly died I’d just been knocked out for a few days and - besides - I couldn’t remember it anyway.

At least for the bath I’d been able to hide in, well, the bath. For this there was no hiding. I had to be there, nude, and hold still while rainbow put this unpleasantly cold stuff onto me.

“How many times do you have to do this?” I asked.

“Daily. Until it runs out.”

“How much is there?”

She showed me the pot. It was a big pot.


I must have had a lot more burns than I realised because Rainbow took a long time doing what she was doing. By the time she was done the strain of having to stay still for so long was starting to show, and I was starting to shake. That seemed to sped her up, and she was soon finished. I sat and stank of medicine for a bit until it either soaked in or evaporated or whatever and I could actually put some nightclothes on.

Nice not to be naked anymore.

Rainbow’s plan had derailed somewhat by then, as things were so late - and both of us so exhausted - that we mutually, silently agreed that sleeping would trump hanging out. At least for right now.

She made sure I was properly tucked in first. She actually tucked me in and everything, and I actually let her. It was a novel experience.

“I’ll just be downstairs so if you need anything - anything! - you just ask me, okay? Okay?”

This was not a question with any available answer other than ‘Okay’, so I decided to just let it pass as assumed and ask my own question instead.

“Downstairs?” I asked.

She was staying with me, apparently, and had set herself up on the sofa. This she told me.

Weird how she was totally fine with falling asleep on top of me whenever, wherever, but the thought of specifically settling into a bed with me to go to sleep was too far. One of those distinctions that seemed flimsy but really ‘meant’ a lot more than seemed apparent, I supposed.

Would I have minded?

I didn’t know. And it wasn’t something I wanted to think about. Because then I’d think about it too much. So I forgot I’d even wondered.

Or tried to.

And so she went downstairs, which left me alone with my thoughts. Which wasn’t ideal.

I was thinking about Rainbow, which was normal. Even if I hadn’t just spent the last few hours being looked after by her I probably would have been thinking about her anyway, because I tended to end up thinking about Rainbow most of the time.

Either I’d be thinking about where she was if she wasn’t around. Or what we might do together. Or how she’d react to something I might want to tell her. Or what thing I could tell her to make her smile. Or how nice her smile was. Or stuff like that. You know, normal stuff.

But right now I was thinking about just how bloody nice she was. I didn’t care what she said, she was going above and beyond. None of the friends I’d ever had back home would have done half of what she’d done for me. Some of them probably wouldn’t even have called to check I was okay. Rainbow had practically moved mountains. And sponged me down, obviously. Couldn’t forget that.

And she’d waited for me to wake up. Right beside me. She hadn’t needed to do that. I wouldn’t have expected her to. Wouldn’t have expected anyone to. Wouldn’t have held it against her if she hadn’t.

But she had. And she’d done it for me. Me.

I didn’t really know how to wrap my head around that.

You know, back home that sort of behaviour from a girl would have had significant implications. It could mean they liked you more than they were letting on. Would warrant some introspection and perhaps a reexamination of other past interactions, just to see if anything else significant had been missed.


Here not so much. Probably.

No, it’s probably normal.