I noticed a marginal improvement in the depth. Some of the interactions felt a little more natural and less forced. However, this was also all with humans, so how he works with ponies still needs to be sorted out.
Speaking from experience as a writer, I also have to point out that sometimes leaving out some words, leaving a little bit of the specifics (not the nuance, mind), can enhance how a story comes across. At the same time, your present tendency to try and lay out too much is hindering moments that would have flowed better with some words removed. This is a difficult skill to absorb, but as you improve, it tends to come out organically if you're putting in the effort.
As you do seem to be making some small improvements, I'll try another two chapters. I hope you take some time to think about whether or not some of his actions feel normal if you saw him in person, and the same goes with how ponies might look at him if you consider they think he's only as intelligent as a smart dog. How would you react if you saw a dog march over and pick up a weapon or shield so casually as he did, with clear understanding of their purpose?
Good chapter and backstory there. I find that China would instigate some civil conflict in unstable area such as Africa, to further their reach and hold on the trade and market. At least, that is what it looks like under their current leadership. Full all out war? That title belongs to russia with how things have been going on in Ukraine. Though I do see china taking that place if under new leadership. Or if the world ran into an oil crisis. That is when I see the powerhouses of United States, Russia, and China taking great military action. Besides that, I'm loving this story so far. So keep up the good hard work.
I believe that China is the second most likely country to start WWIII, behind Russia.
I noticed a marginal improvement in the depth. Some of the interactions felt a little more natural and less forced. However, this was also all with humans, so how he works with ponies still needs to be sorted out.
Speaking from experience as a writer, I also have to point out that sometimes leaving out some words, leaving a little bit of the specifics (not the nuance, mind), can enhance how a story comes across. At the same time, your present tendency to try and lay out too much is hindering moments that would have flowed better with some words removed. This is a difficult skill to absorb, but as you improve, it tends to come out organically if you're putting in the effort.
As you do seem to be making some small improvements, I'll try another two chapters. I hope you take some time to think about whether or not some of his actions feel normal if you saw him in person, and the same goes with how ponies might look at him if you consider they think he's only as intelligent as a smart dog. How would you react if you saw a dog march over and pick up a weapon or shield so casually as he did, with clear understanding of their purpose?
...MOAR
Good chapter and backstory there. I find that China would instigate some civil conflict in unstable area such as Africa, to further their reach and hold on the trade and market. At least, that is what it looks like under their current leadership. Full all out war? That title belongs to russia with how things have been going on in Ukraine. Though I do see china taking that place if under new leadership. Or if the world ran into an oil crisis. That is when I see the powerhouses of United States, Russia, and China taking great military action. Besides that, I'm loving this story so far. So keep up the good hard work.
wait, wut?
The band reference that was easy it was the password
9222132
No no you don't LOL
9234640
Nice! You got it
9235932
Do NOT make me come over there!