Garrison 'Gauche-Suede' Varas is the best at what he does, and what he does is repossess and allocate certain capital. Whether he be lining his own pockets or giving to those in need, all Gauche knows is that Equis is ripe and ready for a good stroll
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kiad/max seems to be a god and twilight is a lot cuter than normal in terms of naivety... im so concerned.
8791048
The cute shall overcome all of your ambitions and dreams. Fear the cute. Love the cute.
Yeah, suuure, bro. You are The Almighty Author, but sometimes characters have a mind of their own and you either make it feel forced or let it flow naturally.
Well, when she reminds him his passed sister it would be hard for ship to set sail. Not impossible, but hard for sure. And you probably got bored to write her name so often anyway.
I'd like to mention that at this point Max looks like a glorified self-insertion. Do you really need one to run your story for you? Was divine intervention even needed for things to go wrong in the right way?
8813335
Man, Max and I are still nothing alike, and the differences in his character are meant to be there. Dude's beyond old at this point, and it would be more weird if he'd stayed the same throughout it all.
8813380
And I didn't meant it like that. He's just OP as flying fuck, does things for shit and giggles, not really needed in the first place and may lead the story in the wrong way even though you are in control here. And since he is old and bored even Discord can feel his shoes. They are quite alike where D is not being a total D. I doubt you going to pull another The War with him as the main ponyvillian anyway. Yeah, I love this word now. Never heard anything goofier than that.
8813393
Aww Hell no, Discord isn't making it back into the story as more than a whimsical ally. To be honest with you, it'll become clearer as to why Max does what he does soon enough, and I don't think I'll be able to keep it quiet long, despite wanting to get at least ten chapters in before it gets deeted in
8813397
Just make sure not to overuse him to force shit to go the way you want it to go. Forced doesn't flow naturally. And avoid throwing way too many OP powers at your characters. When their powers grows exponentially it becomes hard to put obstacles on their way for them to overcome without divine intervention. D as a whimsical ally could be cool, but he is also kind of OP without being nerfed and OP characters tend to solve riddles in the boring way more often than not. So, don't forget to nerf him. ;)
“Mmm, salt.” - guess it isn't that addictive in this world, is it?
Chapter one
* timbre;
* She mused — missing a dot at the end;
* leyline — Google tells me it's spelled as "ley line", but I'm not sure would or wouldn't it be better to spell it hyphened, but there should be consistency about it and in the prologue "ley-lines" were hyphened;
* but you don’t have the physique pof a Dog or a Cat;
* "I really don’t like the idea of being lead→led around by somepony as paranoid as you" — if I properly understand this "lead" in such context must be "led" since that is progressive passive tense (and it's pretty much the same in present, past and future variations);
* "You don’t seem to fit the bill." and "Well, I got a room with a bed and a sofa for you and your companion since it don’t seem like you two are together, but that’s about it."— as I understand "don't seem" is fine in the first case, but have to be "doesn't seem" in the second one unless it's informal American English where it might be used in both forms and even substituted with "ain't" in some dialects, so decide for yourself which one feels better;
* "Once she was gone, I askled" — to be honest I don't like word "ask" in any form since it feels too formal and straight, and sounds like chopping wood with an ax;
* "It was a quick affair to be sure→,.← And the only reason I killed him was because he was a liar like no other." — either one sentence with a comma or two separate with a dot;
* "Why don’t we just just find the nearest Teleportation Station";
* "I figured it was time for her to try and→to catch some shuteye" — I don't really like "to try to", but in this particular case it just feels better there since "and" kind of divides phrase in two parts like Twi have to "try" to do something before going to bed;
* colours — ugh, not sure which dictionary to use;
* "There’s exceptions to every rule" – should be either "there are exceptions" or "there is exception" and plural form feels less wrong to me;
* "I’ll be careful, Twilight, so just do me a favour and be skeptical every once in awhile, okay?" — gee, I'm not sure that that should be fixed even though it's wrong since it implies that she should be skeptical pretty much all the time since "awhile" unlike "a while" which is always used there implies short periods instead of long ones.
me gusta mas esta versión. el no estaba mal pero era un personaje demasiado roto y frustrante