While out in the woods together in a log cabin in the mountains during a 3-day vacation, 8 humans from Earth accidentally find themselves in the magical land of Equestria and now Twilight Sparkle and her friends are their best chance to return home!
Just warning you now that this exact premise has been done a lot (like, to death). You might want to change things up so your story doesn't look so cookie-cutter.
I understand that my story has a lot of errors and that this kind of premise has been done plenty of times before already, but keep in mind, that this is my very first My Little Pony fanfiction ever so I'm new to this.
Besides, I originally only decided to write this story in the first place because I was looking for some good Human In Equestria stories and I couldn't find that many that really caught my interest. So I decided that if I wanted to read a good My Little Pony fanfiction that I knew I would like, then why not just make my own story instead? Afterall, what better My Little Pony fanfiction for you to read then a My Little Pony fanfiction that you wrote yourself! Long story short, I'm making this story completely for entertainment purposes only.
8768565 Thanks, Phantom Night! This is my first ever My Little Pony fanfiction and while my grammar and punctuations aren't always perfect nor will there be any art, pictures or little videos to look at and watch to better understand my story like other MLP fanfiction authors do with their stories, I'm glad that you like my story! Hopefully, I can write and post the next new chapter within the next day or two so that you don't have to wait to long to see what happens next. Until then, though, have a good day and feel free to share this story with your friends or anyone else you know who enjoys reading fun, little My Little Pony fanfictions like this one.
The bus driver quickly proceeded to open the front door of the bus as eight people slowly made their way out of their seats, down the to the front door of the bus and out onto the side of the street outside. Once the eight people were all off the bus, the driver closed the front door of the bus and drove away back onto the street and into the distance.
Lots of wasted verbage. Was the bus driver in a hurry to get rid of his passengers? And where else would he drive off to? Save your breath and shorten it to: "The bus driver opened the front door of the bus after stopping. Eight people got off the bus. The driver closed the bus' door and drove away." Or perhaps, ". . . and drove out of sight."
that they had brought with them from their homes with them before they all took that bus and came to where they were now
And why else would they have suitcases and backpacks? Unnecessary exposition.
The names of the 2 girls in the group were Alice and Claire.
Should be: "The girls in the group were Alice and Claire." Most readers can count. Obviously, as you stated previously, there were two girls. You don't need to say that explicitly, AGAIN! The same for the "5 guys" in the previous sentence. Just go straight to naming them.
And lastly, the young boy's name was Eddie and he was the youngest out of everyone else in the group.
Department of redundancy department? Obviously he's the youngest because he's a BOY and not a GUY. Should be: "The boy's name was Eddie."
All of them, except for Eddie, for obvious reasons, were college students.
Should be: "Except for Eddie, they were all college students."
Right now, he was wearing a red shirt, blue shorts and black and blue Sneakers.
should be just: "He was wearing a red shirt, blue shorts and black and blue Sneakers." Saying "Right now" is a waste of effort, unless you're saying he just changed clothes from what he was wearing on the bus.
The clue to tighter writing is to look at each sentence and ask, "What is in this sentence that is a repetition of what I've already said?" (If you've mentioned something in the last page or two, you don't need to repeat it, just refer to it if you have to.) And then ask yourself, "What in this sentence is unnecessary verbage that doesn't contribute to the story in some manner."
Next, long sentences are more difficult for the reader to parse and assimilate what's being described. Short sentences are read fast, and as a result imply things are happening quickly. An action scene made up of six long sentences (twelve or more words) is nowhere near as exciting to the reader as the same scene where the average sentence length is six words, with none over ten.
Don't let the criticism wear you down. If it's constructive, consider using it. If not, ignore it. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Someone is always going to dislike what you write, so write for yourself and ignore the beasts that want to tear you down to make themselves feel tall.
And there is always room for improvement. Even Harlan Ellison (A Boy and his Dog, etc.), a pro-writer (my definition: someone who earns all their income from writing) took writing courses after being professionally published for twenty years.
Tony pulled out a box of cigarettes from his backpack and went outside to smoke another cigarette as the cigarette that he had already been smoking this whole time was all used up and Tony didn't like to go too long without smoking or else he would be in a really bad mood. Even if Tony ran out of cigarettes in that one box before he and the others were finished with their 3-day vacation at the cabin before they went back home, Tony had a couple extra boxes of cigarettes just in case that happened.
"Tony pulled out a box of cigarettes from his backpack and went outside. He was a chain smoker and going too long without a smoke would put him in a really bad mood. Tony had a couple extra boxes of cigarettes just in case he ran out of cigarettes in that one box before he and the others were finished with their 3-day vacation."
There's an awful lots of exposition here, much of it could be moved into dialogue to make it more interesting. The personal histories could also be shoved deeper into the story, coming out as asides from the other characters or explaining to the other characters.
I.E., "Tony pulled out a box of cigarettes from his backpack. "I'm going out for a smoke," he called out. "I swear," says Char. B, "He's smokes like a chimney." "The only thing worse than him smoking," said Char. C, "is how testy he gets when he hasn't had a smoke in a while. Turns into right awful bear, he does." "Good thing I brought extra packs then," Tony called back inside, laughing. "I bet he brought enough for a week," Char. B said. "Two weeks," Tony replied.
Gary, of course, had even more movies for Eddie to watch in his backpack
Ha! I don't think Eddie will be too comfortable inside the backpack watching those movies! Should be: "Gary, of course, had even more movies in his backpack for Eddie to watch."
Gary put all of his movies, games, game systems and, of course, his DVD player back into his backpack. Ned carefully placed all his comics and his labtop into his own backpack, too. Tony did the same with his boxes of cigarettes, unopened beer bottles, his smartphone and his headphones. It wasn't long before everyone grabbed their backpacks and decided to bring them with them as well as all of them put on their own jackets to keep them warm, too.
Nope. Not believable. NOBODY packs their backpack with their expensive toys when they go outside to investigate a mysterious noise in the night. If it is something awful, as he suggested, a full and heavy backpack would only slow you down.
Just warning you now that this exact premise has been done a lot (like, to death). You might want to change things up so your story doesn't look so cookie-cutter.
> Puts "by [UserNameHere]" in title
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/207/234/you-must-be-new-here-willy-wonka.jpg
And that's not all, folks!
Yeah, assuming this isn't a trollfic, I'm not holding out much hope for a quality story here. Either way, I think I'll pass.
I understand that my story has a lot of errors and that this kind of premise has been done plenty of times before already, but keep in mind, that this is my very first My Little Pony fanfiction ever so I'm new to this.
Besides, I originally only decided to write this story in the first place because I was looking for some good Human In Equestria stories and I couldn't find that many that really caught my interest. So I decided that if I wanted to read a good My Little Pony fanfiction that I knew I would like, then why not just make my own story instead? Afterall, what better My Little Pony fanfiction for you to read then a My Little Pony fanfiction that you wrote yourself! Long story short, I'm making this story completely for entertainment purposes only.
Some of you might not like my story, but my friend loves it!
Good first chapter, will be looking forward to the next one
8768565
Thanks, Phantom Night! This is my first ever My Little Pony fanfiction and while my grammar and punctuations aren't always perfect nor will there be any art, pictures or little videos to look at and watch to better understand my story like other MLP fanfiction authors do with their stories, I'm glad that you like my story! Hopefully, I can write and post the next new chapter within the next day or two so that you don't have to wait to long to see what happens next. Until then, though, have a good day and feel free to share this story with your friends or anyone else you know who enjoys reading fun, little My Little Pony fanfictions like this one.
Lots of wasted verbage. Was the bus driver in a hurry to get rid of his passengers? And where else would he drive off to? Save your breath and shorten it to: "The bus driver opened the front door of the bus after stopping. Eight people got off the bus. The driver closed the bus' door and drove away." Or perhaps, ". . . and drove out of sight."
And why else would they have suitcases and backpacks? Unnecessary exposition.
Should be: "The girls in the group were Alice and Claire." Most readers can count. Obviously, as you stated previously, there were two girls. You don't need to say that explicitly, AGAIN! The same for the "5 guys" in the previous sentence. Just go straight to naming them.
Department of redundancy department? Obviously he's the youngest because he's a BOY and not a GUY. Should be: "The boy's name was Eddie."
Should be: "Except for Eddie, they were all college students."
should be just: "He was wearing a red shirt, blue shorts and black and blue Sneakers." Saying "Right now" is a waste of effort, unless you're saying he just changed clothes from what he was wearing on the bus.
The clue to tighter writing is to look at each sentence and ask, "What is in this sentence that is a repetition of what I've already said?" (If you've mentioned something in the last page or two, you don't need to repeat it, just refer to it if you have to.) And then ask yourself, "What in this sentence is unnecessary verbage that doesn't contribute to the story in some manner."
Next, long sentences are more difficult for the reader to parse and assimilate what's being described. Short sentences are read fast, and as a result imply things are happening quickly. An action scene made up of six long sentences (twelve or more words) is nowhere near as exciting to the reader as the same scene where the average sentence length is six words, with none over ten.
Don't let the criticism wear you down. If it's constructive, consider using it. If not, ignore it. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Someone is always going to dislike what you write, so write for yourself and ignore the beasts that want to tear you down to make themselves feel tall.
And there is always room for improvement. Even Harlan Ellison (A Boy and his Dog, etc.), a pro-writer (my definition: someone who earns all their income from writing) took writing courses after being professionally published for twenty years.
"Tony pulled out a box of cigarettes from his backpack and went outside. He was a chain smoker and going too long without a smoke would put him in a really bad mood. Tony had a couple extra boxes of cigarettes just in case he ran out of cigarettes in that one box before he and the others were finished with their 3-day vacation."
There's an awful lots of exposition here, much of it could be moved into dialogue to make it more interesting. The personal histories could also be shoved deeper into the story, coming out as asides from the other characters or explaining to the other characters.
I.E., "Tony pulled out a box of cigarettes from his backpack. "I'm going out for a smoke," he called out.
"I swear," says Char. B, "He's smokes like a chimney."
"The only thing worse than him smoking," said Char. C, "is how testy he gets when he hasn't had a smoke in a while. Turns into right awful bear, he does."
"Good thing I brought extra packs then," Tony called back inside, laughing.
"I bet he brought enough for a week," Char. B said.
"Two weeks," Tony replied.
Ha! I don't think Eddie will be too comfortable inside the backpack watching those movies! Should be: "Gary, of course, had even more movies in his backpack for Eddie to watch."
Nope. Not believable. NOBODY packs their backpack with their expensive toys when they go outside to investigate a mysterious noise in the night. If it is something awful, as he suggested, a full and heavy backpack would only slow you down.
This tony guy needs to shut up I,m so fed up with people like him thinking he knows everything and taking everything out on a kid wow