While out in the woods together in a log cabin in the mountains during a 3-day vacation, 8 humans from Earth accidentally find themselves in the magical land of Equestria and now Twilight Sparkle and her friends are their best chance to return home!
In your first paragraph, you keep repeating "now" a lot. Leave it out, unless it's part of the dialogue.
"Twilight! Pant! Strange creatures! Pant! I saw..Pant! They're heading...Pant! I've never seen.. Pant! And I don't know what...Pant! And-"
Unless she's actually saying the word "pant" it should be:
"Twilight!" she panted, "Strange creatures!" Pant. "I saw. . . ." Pant. "They're heading. . . " Pant." I've never seen. . ." Pant. "And I don't know what..." Pant. "And-"
Twilight turned to face Spike and ordered him to send a letter to Princess Celestia about what she had just heard from Fluttershy. Twilight then told Spike to write down, "Dear,
Should be: "Twilight turned to face Spike and told him to write down, "Dear. . . "
And if Timber-wolves were all that sneaky, why haven't they already snuck into town and taken off with a few choice colts and fillies going to friends' houses after sundown? I just don't believe it.
Hey! Give me a break, tkepner! This is my first My Little Pony fanfiction ever and my writing, grammar and punctuating isn't always perfect either! While the way I'm writing this fanfiction isn't like the professionals, at least some people like one of my friends seems to enjoy it!
I'm not writing this story to become popular. I'm writing this story because I've been having a hard time finding good My Little Pony fanfictions that I enjoy to read and I just decided that I wanted to make my own MLP fanfiction instead to help me out with that. I made this fanfiction for entertainment purposes only so if you don't like it, then go read someone else's story. Just keep in mind that not everyone like me is perfect at writing and there are other MLP fanfictions that are written so terribly and have such stupid plots and characters that my fanfiction looks pretty good and decent in comparison to them!
tkepner, I know what I'm doing. I intentionally didn't have the Timber Wolves immediately sneak into and attack Ponyville. Regardless of what you think, you have to admit that this chapter was kind've fun and interesting. Are you forgetting that plot twist I just did when Twilight and Rarity both used their magic on the group of 8 humans, only to find out that John, Gary, Michael, Ned, Alice, Claire, Tony and Eddie are immune to magic!?
Come on! You have to admit that I at least am putting some effort into my writing! There has to be at least one thing or two in this story so far that you did like!
In your first paragraph, you keep repeating "now" a lot. Leave it out, unless it's part of the dialogue.
Unless she's actually saying the word "pant" it should be:
"Twilight!" she panted, "Strange creatures!" Pant. "I saw. . . ." Pant. "They're heading. . . " Pant." I've never seen. . ." Pant. "And I don't know what..." Pant. "And-"
Should be: "Twilight turned to face Spike and told him to write down, "Dear. . . "
And if Timber-wolves were all that sneaky, why haven't they already snuck into town and taken off with a few choice colts and fillies going to friends' houses after sundown? I just don't believe it.
Bailing now. Good luck!
Hey! Give me a break, tkepner! This is my first My Little Pony fanfiction ever and my writing, grammar and punctuating isn't always perfect either! While the way I'm writing this fanfiction isn't like the professionals, at least some people like one of my friends seems to enjoy it!
I'm not writing this story to become popular. I'm writing this story because I've been having a hard time finding good My Little Pony fanfictions that I enjoy to read and I just decided that I wanted to make my own MLP fanfiction instead to help me out with that. I made this fanfiction for entertainment purposes only so if you don't like it, then go read someone else's story. Just keep in mind that not everyone like me is perfect at writing and there are other MLP fanfictions that are written so terribly and have such stupid plots and characters that my fanfiction looks pretty good and decent in comparison to them!
If you don't like the way I'm writing my story, then you don't have to read it. This is my story and I'll write it how I want to!
tkepner, I know what I'm doing. I intentionally didn't have the Timber Wolves immediately sneak into and attack Ponyville. Regardless of what you think, you have to admit that this chapter was kind've fun and interesting. Are you forgetting that plot twist I just did when Twilight and Rarity both used their magic on the group of 8 humans, only to find out that John, Gary, Michael, Ned, Alice, Claire, Tony and Eddie are immune to magic!?
Come on! You have to admit that I at least am putting some effort into my writing! There has to be at least one thing or two in this story so far that you did like!