While out in the woods together in a log cabin in the mountains during a 3-day vacation, 8 humans from Earth accidentally find themselves in the magical land of Equestria and now Twilight Sparkle and her friends are their best chance to return home!
This also included some very poor and unfortunate animals like squirrels, birds, mice and bears to name a few who were all brutally and incredibly painfully reduced to ashes as their flesh and organs melted off their bones and their bones and melting flesh were turned to dust just like Cell when Gohan defeated him with a powerful Kamehameha attack in Dragon Ball Z!
Totally unnecessary. It neither moves the plot forward, nor builds character sympathy. Delete it.
And if it destroyed a mile and half of the Everfree, why didn't it transport a mile and a half of Earth with it? Which would, by the way, allow the cabin to come through and thus alleviate the problem of their tech toys being lost and the problem of why they carted useless junk when exploring a mysterious noise in the night.
Apparently, their unintentional and very unexpected trip through the world of the portal had come to an end and they were all on solid ground once again.
Apparently implies that the what follows might not be true. And the portal isn't a world in and of itself. Also, you didn't mention them floating in the air, that I recall. Should be: "Their unintentional and very unexpected trip through the portal had come to an end."
. . . they still thought they were on Earth when they saw a bunch of the trees, bushes and other plant life of the Everfree Forest in the distance all around them so none of them were aware of the fact that they were no longer on their own world anymore!
It's past MIDNIGHT! How can they see things that are three-quarters of a mile away? And again Department of Redundancy Department. Should be: ". . . they still thought they were on Earth."
. . . and that crazy portal we went through!" Michael reasoned.
Er, if he knows they fell through a portal then he knows they are not on Earth. Contradicts your previous ". . . they still thought they were on Earth."
"Aside from all the barren and lifeless earth around us, we have no evidence of what we saw and experienced to present to the authorities! And both that portal and that weird, floating orb are gone now!"
I think the authorities would consider the destroyed forest as a rather VITAL point of evidence! And, again, Michael says they aren't on Earth anymore because they went through the portal. Are the rest too stupid to understand him?
. . . and that what they would encounter next would be something that they would never forget for the rest of their lives!
Totally unnecessary. OF COURSE they won't forget it. That's like saying the survivors of Hiroshima will never forget the explosion. Well, how could they? Unless this is foreshadowing and at some point in the story they will all forget what happened to them.
"I don't understand! We're going in the right direction. We should've gotten back by now!" Michael said.
They are marching in the middle of the night without a GPS or even a compass, how does he know where they are going? Even seasoned Park Rangers get lost at night. It's why they stop Search-and-rescue operations at night, it's too easy for the rescuers to get lost. They should have waited for dawn.
Ned was wise to not touch those blue flowers that he found because in Equestria, those flowers were known as, 'Poison Joke! If those flowers come in direct, physical contact with any living creature, let's just say that things would really get crazy for whoever touches them or is touched by them!
SPOILER ALERT! You don't need to say this. Twilight or someone else should say this to them. And most MLP fans recognize the blue flowers without you're telling us.
Plus, running for your life in the middle of the woods during the day was less scary then running for your life in the middle of the woods at night!
It is also impossible to run at night in a forest. I guarantee you'll break your ankle if you try. The ground is simply too uneven, and has far too many broken branches on the ground that form tripping hazards.
Everyone kept sprinting non-stop as their hearts were beating like drums in their chests! They could only hope that those Timber Wolves (which they don't know that's what they're called) didn't get to them before they could get to the safety of their safe and comfy log cabin, where they could take shelter inside of and call the police for help (which they still were unaware that they were not headed there)!
There are so many things wrong with that paragraph. First, the 8-year-old kid would long ago have been left behind by the SPRINTING adults. Or, if Eddie was being carried, the person carrying him would have been left far behind. Second, they don't know what the creatures are called, so you're naming them as the narrator is intrusive to the story. Third, again, Michael has repeatedly told them they went through a portal, so they should know they aren't home.
It should read: "Their hearts were beating like drums in their chests as they hurried through the forest! They could only hope that those creatures didn't get to them before they could get to the safety of their safe and comfy log cabin, where they could take shelter inside of and call the police for help."
'Ponyville'!? That's a pretty stupid and silly name for a town, don't you guys think so?"
Not anymore stupid than any other name for a town. BTW, there are no fewer than three towns in America called Mannville! Not to mention the Isle of Mann in the Atlantic Ocean, so thinking it's dumb for the ponies to name a town Ponyville must mean humans are at least three times dumber! Also: Ponyis an unincorporated community in northeastern Madison County, Montana, United States. (There's also Buffalo, NY, and Fly, NY, and about a dozen other towns in America named for animals.)
And Fluttershy almost never flies. It would make more sense for her to attract Dash and have her investigate them.
If you truly want others to read your fanfiction, you need to cut out all the narrator asides and pick a point of view character to follow. It makes it harder to write because you can only report what that character knows in the story, but it makes for a much better story, overall.
My writing isn't always perfect and I admit that there are certain things in my story that seem very unrealistic and stupid, but this story is completely fictional and when reading fictional stories like MLP fanfictions, you should always be expecting for crazy and random stuff to happen!
Totally unnecessary. It neither moves the plot forward, nor builds character sympathy. Delete it.
And if it destroyed a mile and half of the Everfree, why didn't it transport a mile and a half of Earth with it? Which would, by the way, allow the cabin to come through and thus alleviate the problem of their tech toys being lost and the problem of why they carted useless junk when exploring a mysterious noise in the night.
Apparently implies that the what follows might not be true. And the portal isn't a world in and of itself. Also, you didn't mention them floating in the air, that I recall. Should be: "Their unintentional and very unexpected trip through the portal had come to an end."
It's past MIDNIGHT! How can they see things that are three-quarters of a mile away? And again Department of Redundancy Department. Should be: ". . . they still thought they were on Earth."
Er, if he knows they fell through a portal then he knows they are not on Earth. Contradicts your previous ". . . they still thought they were on Earth."
I think the authorities would consider the destroyed forest as a rather VITAL point of evidence! And, again, Michael says they aren't on Earth anymore because they went through the portal. Are the rest too stupid to understand him?
Totally unnecessary. OF COURSE they won't forget it. That's like saying the survivors of Hiroshima will never forget the explosion. Well, how could they? Unless this is foreshadowing and at some point in the story they will all forget what happened to them.
They are marching in the middle of the night without a GPS or even a compass, how does he know where they are going? Even seasoned Park Rangers get lost at night. It's why they stop Search-and-rescue operations at night, it's too easy for the rescuers to get lost. They should have waited for dawn.
SPOILER ALERT! You don't need to say this. Twilight or someone else should say this to them. And most MLP fans recognize the blue flowers without you're telling us.
It is also impossible to run at night in a forest. I guarantee you'll break your ankle if you try. The ground is simply too uneven, and has far too many broken branches on the ground that form tripping hazards.
There are so many things wrong with that paragraph. First, the 8-year-old kid would long ago have been left behind by the SPRINTING adults. Or, if Eddie was being carried, the person carrying him would have been left far behind. Second, they don't know what the creatures are called, so you're naming them as the narrator is intrusive to the story. Third, again, Michael has repeatedly told them they went through a portal, so they should know they aren't home.
It should read: "Their hearts were beating like drums in their chests as they hurried through the forest! They could only hope that those creatures didn't get to them before they could get to the safety of their safe and comfy log cabin, where they could take shelter inside of and call the police for help."
Not anymore stupid than any other name for a town. BTW, there are no fewer than three towns in America called Mannville! Not to mention the Isle of Mann in the Atlantic Ocean, so thinking it's dumb for the ponies to name a town Ponyville must mean humans are at least three times dumber! Also: Ponyis an unincorporated community in northeastern Madison County, Montana, United States. (There's also Buffalo, NY, and Fly, NY, and about a dozen other towns in America named for animals.)
And Fluttershy almost never flies. It would make more sense for her to attract Dash and have her investigate them.
If you truly want others to read your fanfiction, you need to cut out all the narrator asides and pick a point of view character to follow. It makes it harder to write because you can only report what that character knows in the story, but it makes for a much better story, overall.
My writing isn't always perfect and I admit that there are certain things in my story that seem very unrealistic and stupid, but this story is completely fictional and when reading fictional stories like MLP fanfictions, you should always be expecting for crazy and random stuff to happen!