A Tale of Two

by lRainbowDashl

Chapter one- The spark

Rainbow got up sharply and looked furious she heard more knocking at the door, she looked over to the clock.

“Come on” she yelled “its three o clock in the damn morning!” The knocking was getting louder and more frequent now.

“I will be right their knock one more time and i swear to Celestia i will knock you out” the knocking sharply stopped Rainbow giggled inside and opened her bedroom door and walked through the coridor.

“OK what is it?” She said opening the door Fluttershy was stood their with a very sheepish looking Scootaloo.

“Go on Scootaloo she wont bite” said Fluttershy attempting to reassure the young Pegasus.

“Kid whatever it is I'm sure its fine just tell me” Rainbow said trying to reassure Scootaloo.

“Well i asked Fluttershy for a favor she had nothing to do with this, but she flew me up to your house because i wanted to practice flying and i feel safer and more awesome around your house and well i tried a trick and kind of smashed a few things” Scootaloo said almost muttering most of what came out of her mouth.

Rainbow looked at her with eyes of rage, calming herself down she said “what stuff did you break?” Scootaloo squirmed and hid behind Fluttershy.

“Rainbow she is awefully sorry and has agreed to help you out until she has worked off what she owes” said Fluttershy trying to reason with the enraged pony.

“I will ask you again what did you break” Rainbow was still calm but on the brink of snapping.

“ok um.... first their was your wonderbolt plant pot then um i flew through your garage door smashing into your wardrobe then into your um well” Scootaloo stopped talking it was like she had something stuck in her throat.

Rainbow was furios at that point she flew herself at Fluttershy pushing her aside and pouncing on Scootaloo who gave out an almighty yelp, Rainbow instantly got off.

“Kid why did you yelp i didnt push down on anywhere specifically hard hell i barely pinned you” Scootaloo lifted one of her wings to see a bruise which was shaped like a square it looked like the imprint of a book.

“What the hell kid, what is that” asked Rainbow sounding and feeling sorry for what she had just done.

“My dad got mad at me he told me that if i ever reminded him of my slutty mum again he would wring my neck not just hit me. He told me to sleep outside but i couldn't so i visited Fluttershy” Rainbow trying to believe what she just heard shook her head in disbelief.

“Are you telling me that your dad hit you?” Rainbow asked in a soothing calm voice trying to sound more sympathetic. Scootaloo nodded.

“He hits me most days a few times he has thrown stuff at me and one time he threw me down the stairs and locked me in the basement” Rainbow’s jaw dropped she started to feel warm inside it wasn't a nice warm it was an angry heat rising up her.

“That son of a bitch” yelled Rainbow as she shot off the cloud leaving the two of them up their all alone she shot down towards Ponyville hovering above the houses.

“I have only been to her house once now where was it..... Oh yeah south side forty two i believe it was” she flew to the south side at three o clock it wasn't a pleasant place to be not the kind of place you walk alone at night. She landed outside forty two it was a dark house one room lit the TV was blaring she looked through the top window their was a picture of her and Scootaloo together.

“Yep this is it” she said as she flew down and knocked on the door.

“The hell do you want” yelled an unhealthy sounding voice with a few coughs between words.

“Is this where Scootaloo lives?” yelled Rainbow changing her pitch so that she sounded tougher.

“This guy doesn't sound nice i better be ready for whatever he throws at me” She thought to herself at that moment the door opened. A Colt with a stubble obviously not shaved in a while, long curly greasy hair with a vest on which was stained with what Rainbow could only assume was alcohol and a cigarette in his mouth.

“Ha ha a rainbow mane and tail ha ha you look so puny” he started cracking up then straightened up and got a serious look on his face.

“What has the stupid brat done now?” he asked throwing his cigarette on the floor near Rainbow’s feet.

“Listen here ass hole but Scootaloo has some nasty bruises on her flank where she claims you hit her with a book she also claims you made her sleep outside! is this true?” Rainbow asked. The stallion started laughing again then walked out of the door closing it and getting uncomfortably close to Rainbow.

“So what the little shit dobbed me in Huh i should of guessed she would of done after the death of her sister I'm surprised she made it this long now what do you want? if nothing then get the hell off my property before i make you.” He backed away a bit giving Rainbow some breathing room.

“You think i’m scared of you that is just pathetic trying to intimidate me like that now its time that YOU LISTENED you lay another hoof on that girl and i will come back here and Celestia help me i will beat you so hard you wont ever be able to look up.” Said Rainbow her fury was rising so much she could just hit him but to her suprise he threw a punch with no attempt to hold back he sent her flying six metres knocking her into a fence. He walked upto her and grabbed her mane and started pulling her into a dark alleyway where he pinned her against a wall.

“I haven't smelt a pussy since my wife died and you are not a bad looking pony” he backed away from her and started taking off his vest, Rainbow lifted her leg with lightning speed straight into his genitals he coiled over and grabbed them.

“You stupid bitch you will pay for that” Rainbow had already got up and had taken a few steps out of the alley when she turned around walked back in their and grabbed his genitals squishing them.

“Now you listen here you are going to leave ponyville by the end of tomorrow or my hoof will meet lefty again and this time she wont let up you got that?” he shook his head.

“I saw the fear in your eye when you knew i was gonna rape you i dont think you got the guts” Rainbow put on a grin and twisted her hoof the Stallion cried out in pain and started nodding.

“I get it i get it please stop i will be gone by tomorrow morning on one condition keep the brat i don't want her” Rainbow let go and flew off back towards the cloud mansion.

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“Please Fluttershy we must go check my dad isn't nice I'm scared he might hurt Rainbow” said Scootaloo panicking

“Rainbow can look after herself i have seen her fight before” as Fluttershy said that Rainbow landed next to them. Fluttershy jumped on her and screamed with joy.

“Oh i was so worried i thought that he had hurt” as she said that she gasped she could see the violent blood trickling down from the punctured bruise that Scootaloo’s dad had made.

“Trust me Fluttershy he is in more pain than me he caught me off guard that’s all, their is one problem though although he is leaving town we have nowhere for Scootaloo to live unless we put her into foster care.

“No please no i don't want to go back there it is horrible and last time i was their dad broke in and kidnapped me.” Scootaloo pleaded at Rainbow’s feet.

“Well what else can i do kiddo where else can you go?” Rainbow asked inquisitively.

“Well i could uh.... stay here maybe?” Rainbow looked around at the place it certainly was big enough for the two of them.

“No way i can not have more than one place at the Rain Crib this place is for one pony only you can stay the night but first thing i am taking you down to the care centre they will find a good family for you i promise” Rainbow said putting on a smile.

“OK” said Scootaloo looking at the ground disappointed.

To be continued.

Comments

[Jphyper]

I'm guessing this story sounded much better in your head. Before you even think about continuing this story, you NEED to fix your terrible grammar.

[RandomExpert781]

There are so many spelling, grammar and punctuation spelling mistakes in this story. I was able to get the point, but just barely.

[RandomExpert781]

I could help you if you wanted me to. send it to my email on my profile page, and I'll try to do some editng for u.

[lRainbowDashl]

55312 Well then how about you explain how when i got an editor and proof reader i still got shit comments like yours even though the grammer was fixed. I am going to keep writing and if you dont want to read it then please dont but atleast have the curtosy to piss off and stop putting me down all the time.

[D'Koda]

The idea is... I can see the idea. Not sure I like the idea of Abusive Father-and-possible-rapist pony, as Scootaloos dad though.

While Rainbow is the element of Loyalty, and a little hot-headed occaisionally, but I can't see her just recklessly picking a fight with a pony like Scootaloos dad. Fluttershy also seems too assertive and sure of herself. Instead of “Rainbow can look after herself i have seen her fight before” I would have written something like "I've seen Rainbow fight... But I hope she'll be fine..." Fluttershy second guesses herself all the time. Shes cautious. Characterisation is another flaw that could easily be fixed next chapter.

Another one is the grammar. You replied rather arrogantly to another comment who was giving a critique about this, but its something you REALLY need work on. I'll just work on one of your paragraphs as an example

Yours:
“You think i’m scared of you that is just pathetic trying to intimidate me like that now its time that YOU LISTENED you lay another hoof on that girl and i will come back here and Celestia help me i will beat you so hard you wont ever be able to look up.” Said Rainbow her fury was rising so much she could just hit him but to her suprise he threw a punch with no attempt to hold back he sent her flying six metres knocking her into a fence. He walked upto her and grabbed her mane and started pulling her into a dark alleyway where he pinned her against a wall."

Slightly edited:
"You think I'm scared of you? That is just pathetic, trying to intimidate me like that. Now its time that YOU LISTENED." Rainbow growled, "You lay another hoof on Scootaloo and Celestia Help you, I will come back here and beat you so hard you won't know what happened." Rainbows anger was rising every so slowly. She could've just hit him right there and then, but to her surprise, he threw a hoof and without effort, sent her flying six metres, knocking her into a nearby fence. He walked up to her and grabbed her mane, sending pain to Rainbows head and neck. He held tight and took her to a nearby alleyway, as he pinned her against the wall."

All I've done, is take your paragraph, and fix it up a little. I know you claimed that you had a proof-reader, and an editor, but how good was it? One thing I do is write everything in Microsoft Word, before uploading. If you see "Fragment: Consider Revising" or something like that, that doesn't mean that you're right. It means that there is so much wrong, that it can't figure out what is meant to be there. Grammar is also the capitalisation of your I's, and using full stops and commas etc. as they should be.

A lot of work has gone into this, and it still needs a lot more. My advice? Fix this chapter up before you write chapter two.

[lRainbowDashl]

55580i respect everyones opinion but i hate hearing stuff like in my first story "You should stop writing" that isnt constructive its just crap i know that his was better but "This sounded better in your head" still is crap to hear i want someone to proof and edit like you but finding someone is proving a challenge.

[D'Koda]

55590 Maybe you just started off on the wrong foot. Nobody should ever be told that they "Should stop writing." Especially if they like to do it. If you want to write, write. As my grandfather said before he passed away, "Fuck the world, because it'll screw you anyway."

Pay attention to the constructive criticism. Disregard the destructive. The "This idea was better in your head" comment is a little... off, in my opinion. But at the same time, writing for most of my life, I know that you can come up with ideas that sound AMAZING, and then when you hit pen and paper (or nowadays finger and keys) it turns to rubbish. This is why proofreading your own work is something I do before I post anything. If its complete and total rubbish, I don't post it. I start again. At the same time, Don't look at others work as "I should be this good." Look at yourself and say "I want it to be this good." Strive for it!!

I have faith that you can recover this story. Fix the problems, and hopefully it'll work out. Good luck.

"A man with a stubble obviously not shaved in a while"

“Ha ha a rainbow mane and tail ha ha you look so puny”

Please decide if they're ponies or not.

[lRainbowDashl]

55712 Its fixed now i dont believe in croosovers so no humans in my storys.

[RandomExpert781]

3 things:

More description
More emotion
Less grammar mistakes

I get the idea, but I'm going to stress the fact that you must work on grammar and punctuation, I'm not saying you should stop writing, just give it a little more time and work. some of the best writers take years to write stories and novels, my only other question is what word processor are you using? it seems to be missing all of the mistakes with the I being i, which is an honest mistake if your typing fast, otherwise just take a little extra time to push the shift key when you do that.
on a more interesting note, this may seem easily readable but I've actually messed up key strokes quite a bit so I've had to use my backspace to make it legible. and also key to reader understanding is sentence structure, with that almost anything is legible.

[Hollyfern]

the grammar monster just takes pratice! i know what youre going through TRUST me. And, I will be tracking this as of now.

[Killjoy1221]

Spell Check your work before you post it. I can't stand reading stories with bad grammar. I bet this story's good too, but I can't read it.

[DJ Cobalt]

dude good work. not going ot say anything bad. cause my first story not exactly the best grammer

[Brony4ever10]

I liked the first chapter.