Tales from the Equestrian Others- The Fallen Angel of Ponyville

by Scarlet Raven Thorn

Dawn in Ponyville (1)

It was a lovely morning in Ponyville. At least, as lovely as a morning could get in a town literally at the border of one of Equestria's most dangerous magical places. The odd hydra or cranky Ursa Minor was nothing odd for the little town. Still, the morning was oddly calm. Especially for a certain silver-maned pegasus.

"Mooooooom!" A small white pegasus colt with a red and black mane scrambled down the cloud stairs of their home, almost in a state of panic.

Scarlet Thorn carefully poured a bowl of pancake batter on to the griddle, before releasing the handle from in between her teeth. The mare turned to her young son with a patient but firm, "What are you missing this time Black Dawn?"

The blue-hoofed colt, Black Dawn, wailed, "I can't find my gamecolt anywhere! I checked my desk, my nightstand, and underneath my bed! But I can't find it anywhere!"

"Oh, is that what you're looking for?" A new voice piped.

"Ooh, ooh! Have you seen it dad?" Black Dawn asked hopefully, trotting over to the older gold-maned pegasus.

"You better tell him Cobra, or we won't hear the end of it." Scarlet stated, flipping over the pancake.

"Of course I know where it is." Cobra Strike stretched out a grayish-white feather coated wing. "I took it."

The little colt's jaw dropped. "Wh- what? Why?"

Cobra Strike sighed. He put down the paper he had been reading, and adjusted his glasses. "Dawn, when's the last time you went out and played with your friends? Outside of school, I mean."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Black Dawn wailed.

"Now your father has a point my sunshine." Scarlet interrupted, dumping the pancake out of the griddle and onto a stack of its fellows. She walked over to the table and set the platter down. "I can't remember the last time you had your friends over."

"But what about the mares that have gone missing?" Black Dawn inquired, pointing out the headline on the front page of the newspaper. "It's not safe out in Ponyville anymore."

"Well that's why you need your friends more than ever, safety in numbers." Scarlet piped.

"What about those Cutie Mark Crusaders?" Cobra asked. "They seem fun."

Black Dawn groaned. "Not those three! The Crusaders are so annoying! Ever since they first saw me they wouldn't stop asking about my cutiemark!"

To emphasize his point he pointed an accusing hoof at the cutiemark in question. It was an orange sun, almost like a sunset, with a black gem in front of it. Six shadowy tendrils grew from the gem and seemingly enveloped the sun. It definitely was an unusual cutiemark, and neither Black Dawn nor his parents really had any idea what it meant.

Most fillies and colts earned their cutiemarks when delving into a talent, but for this particular colt it had appeared seemingly at random one day when they had visited Canterlot to watch Princess Luna signify the Winter Solstice by raising the moon. The moment Princess Celestia had lowered the sun, Black Dawn's cutiemark had appeared.

"Well," Cobra began, struggling to think of something to say. "cutiemarks are a rather complicated matter. They're more than just an image on a pony's flank. They're-"

"I know, I know!" Dawn interrupted, and rolled his eyes. "They represent not just the talent and livelihood of the pony, but essentially the very essence that makes the pony. And the reason Equestria has a better economic system and is more friendly in general than any other country is because of how our cutiemarks help us to follow the correct path that benefits not just us but everypony. To put it simply, our cutiemark is our destiny."

Cobra Strike raised his eyebrows, clearly impressed that his son had memorized his speech. "Have we really given you this speech so much?"

Black Dawn nodded his head exasperatedly. "Only like, every other day. Besides it's easy for you to say. At least you know what your talent is!"

There was no denying the little colt's claims. Cobra Strike had to have one of the more blunt cutiemarks in Equestria. It was the silhouette of an acoustic guitar and the king's chess piece, signifying the stallion's natural talent for strategy in chess and his profession as a rock star.

"Well what about your mother's cutiemark? It's definitely not your average run of the mill types." Cobra pointed out.

"Now, now." Scarlet Thorn rose from her chair. "I wouldn't say my cutiemark is anything special. It just doesn't represent my talent in a way that all ponies can understand."

The cutiemark on the mare's flank was a simple skull. It appeared to look very skeptical of the world around it. In reality, it represented his mother's ability to see through the farce emotions of other ponies and creatures. Naturally, Scarlet was exceptionally attentive to the wants and needs of others. However, it also represented the mare's ability to shrug off any spiteful or just plain rude comments.

Cobra Strike chuckled. "I remember when you used to think your mother was a pirate. You were so disappointed to find out otherwise."

"Point being," Scarlet interjected. "is that you shouldn't worry about what your cutiemark means. It'll come in due time. For now eat your breakfast, and why don't you go play with your friends afterwards? What about Audio Crash? I thought he was your best friend."

"Okay, I'll go over to his house then. Could I have my gamecolt back so Audio and I can play Pokémare together?" Black Dawn asked through a mouthful of pancakes.

"No. You can have it back next weekend. And you should give those three fillies a chance." Cobra mentioned. "They don't seem too bad. And who knows? They might just help you figure out what your special talent is."

If their son had heard him, he gave no indication. Scarlet Thorn simply smiled and stared to nibble on her own breakfast. As soon as the kitchen was cleaned up she had a list of chores to sift through. And nothing was going to get in her way.

...

The kitchen was a complete disorderly mess, currently Discord's realm had to be in a more organized state. Unused pancake batter flowed down the counter like a viscous waterfall, creating an ever-growing pool of stickiness. All sorts of cooking utensils had been left out, and somehow had ended up scattered across the counters. Even the ingredients had yet to be put away, and the stove had been left on. Scarlet Thorn sighed and walked over to the stove dial, which she turned to off.

Cobra Strike, hearing his special somepony's cry of vexation, decided to offer his assistance. "Would you like some help?"

"No, it's alright." The smaller pegasus assured. "Although, I will never understand how I manage to get batter on the ceiling every single time."

As if to emphasize her point some batter dripped down from the ceiling and landed on Cobra's muzzle.

"Better not to question it, we live in a town of enigmas after all. Heck, we have a breathing example of one living a few blocks down!" Cobra shuddered, thinking of the first time he had met the excitable pony named Pinkie Pie.

"I suppose you're right." Scarlet agreed, dumping some eggshells into the compost bin. "Why don't you head over to Looking Glass's for band practice? I'm sure everypony else has already set up."

"Alright then." He gave her a quick kiss. "You know where to find me if things get awry."

As Cobra Strike walked out of the kitchen, Black Dawn galloped in. "Okay mom, I'm leaving to Audio Crash's now."

"Have fun, and remember the curfew!" Scarlet called out to her son, who by now was already out the door.

"I will!" Black Dawn called out, followed by the slamming of their front door.

The poor mare couldn't help but to worry. In the past week alone three ponies had gone missing. Although all three had been young unicorn mares, it was still a rising concern for Ponyville's citizens. Overall, it did not sit well in the pegasus's stomach. She had a bad feeling about the situation, and her gut feelings had never been wrong before. For now Scarlet pushed those negative thoughts aside, and focused on the task ahead of her. The mare grabbed her chosen tools of war, a rag and a spray-bottle of cleaner, and headed into the battlefield.

Author's Note:

For reference, since it was brought up, this is what my OCs sound like:
Scarlet Thorn = P!nk
Cobra Strike = Alucard (Hellsing Ultimate)
Black Dawn = younger version of Alphonse Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

Comments

[sejox]

And so my journey through this story begins. (I'm a slow reader BTW... I like to puntcuate things and stuff... I wont say much here because of this being the first chapter but let me say that there were two cases of not "showing", the first one was with Scarlet cuttiemark explanation, but I don't see a problem at the moment, you will most likely show her abilities in the future. The second one was just at the end: the ponies that are going missing, showing this through simple details like papernews or rumors during the middle of the chapter just to reinforce the idea of a mother being worried at the end would have been great.

Keep working, lad. You are doing pretty good.
happy writing!

[Robipony]

I wonder if this is before or after the CMC discover their Cutie Marks. I guess I'll have to find out.

[Scarlet Raven Thorn]

8742651
Actually, according to chapter 8, this story takes place on the same exact day as season 7's "Uncommon Bond ". At least up to the first day of Sunburst's arrival in Ponyville.

So the Cutiemark Crusaders have had their marks for about 24 full moons (2 years); since two Hearthswarmings have passed since 'Crusaders of the Lost Mark'.

In future stories we will get to see them interact with Black Dawn, just not in this story; the next installment of the series will feature a brief passage of such.

[DeshLune]

It definitely was an unusual cutiemark, and nor Black Dawn nor his parents really had any idea what it meant.

There is an excess 'nor' in this line: right before Black Dawn.

cutiemarks are a rather complicated matter.

"Cutiemarks" should be capitalized as it is the start of a sentence.

They're more than just an image on a pony's flank.

I'm not sure if you are using "pony's" for a singular or plural usage, so I'll just leave this: "pony's" is the singular possessive form, while "ponies'" (an apostrophe at the end) is the plural possessive form.

"is that you shouldn't worry about what your cutiemark means.

'Is' should be capitalized as it is the beginning of a sentence.

Scarlet Thorn sighed and walked over to the stove dial, which she turned to off.

Adding 'to' the second time seems unnecessary.

"Why don't you head over to Looking Glass's for band practice?

Drop the 's' in Glass and leave the apostrophe. (Also I thought about the Looking Glass Knight from Dark Souls 2, here... lol.)

Lastly, I'd like to say a few things on your note at the end. You could use a "[url]" tag to add the link to your DeviantArt page; as you say it is a link directly to your 'new' page, yet there is only an inserted link at the end. It isn't proper is what I'm saying and honestly you are making things far more complicated than they need to be.

With all of that out of the way, I'll be able to go into my thoughts.

The story doesn't seem all that interesting as of yet, but it does have my interest. It is strange to say that; however, after I explain my thoughts more it may make some sense. The characters seem fairly simple (as of right now), the only real thing outstanding would be their cutiemarks, but in a world of "butt marks" it isn't very outstanding. As far as personalities go they are rather straightforward too: Black Sun is a bratty-child-like, the mother is the caring type, and the father a passe watcher whom seems like they wouldn't pick a fight (I'd say that's a good thing). As I read through more that much may change; but for now there isn't much that draws me in from the characters alone.

The story itself is fairly interesting. How are the foals disappearing? Who is doing... it? Why are they doing it? When did they start it? Those are some of the more basic questions that I wish to see answered. Then entire thing almost seems trivial next to one important thing: that Gamecolt (this is just a jest to lighten the mood... I doubt it worked). And how many Pokemare games are there and what are their titles? Do they play the same as Pokemon? If not, what are some of the differences? (I might be looking into this too much.)

I'll be back at one point for the second chapter. I am rather neutral at this starting chapter, so I hope to see things pickup as I go; but from the comments, I'd say I have some fun to look forward to (and all that time you spent promoting the story and the comments in those 'ads').