The school bell rang, followed by the sound of children running outside to the playground. Among all of those fillies and colts, Rainbow Light and Sketchy Clouds trotted to the swings.
They kept laughing and giggling, talking about inside jokes and what happened in class. The swings were ahead of them by about a foot, and just before they were going to sit on them, two ponies suddenly zipped onto them.
“Hey! We were going to go on those swings!" Rainbow Light cried.
The two bullies just laughed mockingly. "Yeah, so? You were too slow! What are you blank flanks gonna do 'bout it? Oh wait, nothing 'cause you have no talent!"
The other pony started laughing even harder. "Ha! Good one, Angelfire! That was totes hilarious!"
The one known as Angelfire growled in annoyance and rolled her eyes. "Ugh, Shadowfleek, I told you to shut up and let me do the talking! Your stupid gypsy tongue will do witchcraft!"
Shadowfleek lowered her head and folded her wings in. "Whatever," she grumbled.
"Anyway, you guys go away. We were totally here first, blank flanks!" Angelfire laughed, making the two pegasi walk away, sad.
They decided to sit at the picnic table that was out of range from everypony else, otherwise they would get picked on. Sketchy was terribly angered, as well as Rainbow.
"I can't believe they did that to us! We can't help it if we don't have our cutie marks!" Sketchy cried while Rainbow nodded her head in agreement.
Just then, a pair of three fillies trotted by the fence. They were heading into the playground, though nopony knew them.
"Hey, aren't you three in third grade?" Rainbow heard Shadowfleek ask, which was followed by a 'yup!'
The earth pony with a pink bow hopped on a nearby table, as well as the pegasus and unicorn. "Hey everypony! May I have your attention!?"
When that didn't work, the unicorn lit her horn, sending green sparks everywhere. Only then did they have everyponies attention.
The yellow one cleared her throat before continuing. "Hey there, y'all! We three are ta Cutie Mark Crusaders! I'am Apple Bloom, this here is Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. We're here to see of anypony has any questions with their cutie marks."
They jumped off the table and waited patiently. Sketchy hesitantly got up and walked over to the CMC. "Do you also help ponies get their cutie marks?" She asked.
"Sure as a colt on a hot summer day!" Apple Bloom said. "Though I don't think anypony in fifth grade wouldn't have their cutie marks."
"Well..." Sketchy motioned for Rainbow to come over and the two put their flanks together. The CMC's eyes got big as they realized the two pegasi didn't have their cutie marks.
"What!? You two don't have your cutie marks!? You're in fifth grade! Even we have marks, and we're in third grade!" Apple Bloom shouted.
“Could you help us get our cutie marks?” Rainbow asked.
Sweetie Belle held out the Cutie Mark Crusaders Camp note, “Sure, we can help you. Meet us tomorrow at our camp tomorrow after school, okay?” She asked.
“Yeah your gonna have a lot of fun together,” Scootaloo said. “Not like those bullies over there treating you,” she murmured.
“Yeah, and by the time y’all know it y’all have ya cutie marks in no time and no more bullying,” Apple Bloom replied.
Then the school bell rang and it was time to go. “Okay everypony recess is over!” Cheerilee said.
“See you tomorrow,” Sketchy waved goodbye to the Cutie Mark Crusaders while heading inside with Rainbow.
¿Do you mean bullying?
This story has that dreamy feel to time:
¡I love surreal stories!
A large suggestion would be to flesh things out a little more rather than condense every event into a single sentence, give a little more description of the world and what is going on.
Example:
"Just then, a pair of three fillies trotted by the fence. They were heading into the playground, though nopony knew them."
Too little to make it sound like they are important to the story. Dropping the "just then" would also help, instead focus on what the characters are seeing and what the other two are doing. Restructure the sentence to show that the characters are watching, observing (characteristics), where the three are going and finally that show that the other fillies and colts are ignoring them or showing either curiosity or have that "who the hell are they?" expression on their faces.
How it is currently written makes it read like a rushed movie script. What you have written out is a darn good start but you need to bring more life to the world and tie people and events together more in larger sentences.
Drop the divider, has no use since you are not switching time, place or characters only continuing on with events normally.
Good little story showing a child's perspective but add more descriptions.
Not my story and have no idea the circumstances or what kind of bullies you had in mind but here is my attempt to flesh things out a little:
First draft:
"They kept laughing and giggling, talking about inside jokes and what happened in class. The swings were ahead of them by about a foot, and just before they were going to sit on them, two ponies suddenly zipped onto them."
Second draft:
"They continued their laughing and giggling as they trotted along towards the playground passing inside jokes back and forth or discussing what had happened during class earlier. The swing set was not far ahead but when they reached them a pair of ponies rushed past them jumping onto the swings and leered at them."
Not perfect but it fleshed things out a little, now I did not add a description of the two NOR did I state their gender leaving plenty of room to flesh it out a great deal more. Make one blue the other orange, both colts or fillies. You could add another sentence or two on top of this giving the reader a greater view of what is going on and who they are. Since this also has to do with cutie marks you can add that to by giving them unique marks thus setting them apart further from the other characters.
Hope this helps.
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Thanks I’ll try and do my best next time. It’s still pretty hard for me to put all this effort in. Since your so focused on the character your not really paying close attention around them. That’s just one thing I struggle with and thanks for your advice.
This is super sweet! I always like this kind of story!!
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I’m glad you liked it! Pixel Moon and I worked hard on this story.