Chapter 1
=Somewhere in South Dakota=
“So what does this artifact do?” Asked Pete from one side of a large crate.
The crate is a little shorter than Artie, but still too wide to fit through the doors. The group of four was moving it along the warehouse floor using a wheeled platform for that express purpose. For increased stability and control, two were on one side of the crate, and the other two were on the other, guiding the corners.
“All the records about it except what it is were lost when it was activated in 1983.” Artie said this from the other side. “All we know is that it’s something to do with the original My Pretty Pony or something similar.”
Claudia looked around the side towards Pete, taking a note from the side of the crate. “It says here that it was found in the residence of a woman named Lauren Faust. The Regents somehow got a hold of it, and dropped it off for us to catalog. Other than that, they didn’t tell us anything.”
“Which sounds just like them,” replied Myka from next to Pete. “So where are we putting it, Artie? The Ovoid Quarantine since it just came in?”
“Until we can classify it, hopefully without activating it,” Artie looked up and down the crate, “it’s going to the Quarantine.”
As they rounded the corner of one of the shelves, Pete bumped into it by accident, causing it to shake slightly.
“Careful, Pete, we don’t need other artifacts falling on this one,” admonished Myka.
“I know, Myka. It was an accident. I’ll be more careful next time.”
As they passed by another shelf, a bowling ball rolled off the top, crashing down into the crate. Artie began looking worried, and began frantically searching the aisles for something. Suddenly a bright light started flooding out of the hole in the crate.
“Uh, Artie, I think it’s activating,” stated Claudia, as her, Pete, and Myka backed away from the crate.
“I know,” replied Artie anxiously as he continued searching, until he finally found what he was looking for. He picked up a pump sprayer and began to spray the contents into the hole in the crate, just as the crate blows apart. A bright flash went off, and they all fell to the ground, unconscious.
Pete placed his hand on his head as he sat up, groaning. “What happened?” He asked this of nobody in particular. “Did that artifact activate?”
Myka sat up as well, answering his questions. “It seems like it. Was that Dick Weber’s bowling ball that fell?”
Artie and Claudia both got up, with Artie going straight to his feet. He moved over to the crate, which has fallen apart, to reveal nothing but a bowling ball in it.
“Yes, it’s his bowling ball. And it seems that the artifact is gone. This is just great.” He picked up the bowling ball, when Claudia spoke up.
“I told you we shouldn’t have gone this way, but did you listen? Nooooo. You insisted this was the shortest route there, and that none of the artifacts along the way would give us any trouble.” Claudia looked around them, including up at the ceiling. She continued, still in that patronizing tone, “and because you were too stubborn to listen, we lost the artifact.”
Various items along the shelves began shaking and sparking. A few began to glow, and all four of them looked around.
“I think we should all just call down,” said Myka, in what she hoped was a calming tone of voice.
“I think you’re right, Myka,” agreed Artie. “Let’s all just take a deep, slow breath.” He followed his words by doing the action he just suggested.
The other three did the same thing, taking a deep, slow breath. The artifacts seemed to begin calming down as well. Just as the artifacts calm down, several alarms went off, and neutralizer began spraying down from the ceiling all over the warehouse.
“Uh, Artie, why are the alarms going off? And why is everything being sprayed by neutralizer?” Claudia asked while looking all about the warehouse. “I mean, the artifacts are calming down, aren’t they?”
“This is bad, this is very bad.” Artie muttered as he took off down various aisles, making his way back to his office. “If the alarms are going off like this, then it can mean only one thing.”
Pete, Myka, and Claudia just looked at each other before taking off after Artie.
Pete asked the obvious question that on the minds of all three of them, “What do the alarms mean, Artie?” He seemed a bit worried, though he was trying to keep his tone light. “I mean, it can’t be worse than anything we’ve dealt with before, can it?”
Artie stopped and looked back at them, causing them to stop. “This is far worse than anything that has happened yet. A large number of artifacts have mysteriously vanished from the warehouse all at once.” He quickly resumed the journey to his office.
The others looked at each other again, this time half-shocked and half-horrified expressions on their faces. “Okay, so it is that bad,” deadpaned Pete. They quickly set off after Artie again.
“Well, can’t we just find the artifact that caused all this and douse it with neutralizer?” Asked Myka as they finally reached the stairs to Artie’s offices, about half an hour later.
“It’s not that simple, Myka. We don’t know how the other artifacts vanished from the warehouse, so neutralizing it is out of the question for now. First, we need to find it, though.” Artie said as he sat at his computer, and began typing. “This is worse than I thought,” he states as he sits back in his chair.
“Let me see,” replied Claudia as she moved over to the computer and began typing. “This is bad.”
“Why? What’s wrong?” Myka looked to Artie, “Artie, what’s wrong?”
Artie looked at her and Pete, telling them, “We can’t access any kind of database. News, medical records, nothing. Not even the internet.”
“That is bad. I’m going to take a look around outside, see if anything’s out there,” announced Pete as he headed to the door.
Once he maked it outside, he looked around, picking up a football that was right next to the warehouse. That’s when he noticed that there was grass under his feet instead of dirt. He looked around some more, noticing that the warehouse was now in the middle of an open sea of grass. Off in the distance in about a ninety degree arc he saw mountains. In the distance opposite the further, and likely larger, mountains he could see what seemed to be a small town, and two figures coming towards him. He quickly went back inside, the football forgotten, but still in his hand.
As he rejoined the others, he told them, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.” They all just looked at him like he’s crazy before he continued. “I went out, found the football,” which he held up, “and realized I was in a field of grass. When I looked around, there were mountains in the distance in about a ninety degree arc. Coming from the direction of what looked like it might have been a small town were two figures.”
Just as he finished, a faint knocking could be heard coming from the Umbilicus. Artie turned to his computer and brought up the video feed from a camera above the door. On the screen appeared the image of two oddly colored ponies.
One was violet, with a mane that was cut to have bangs that partly cover a horn. The mane was a deep purple, with two stripes running through it, one a truer purple and the other slightly closer to a slightly pinkish shade of purple. Her eyes were quite large, with purple irises.
The second pony was pink in color, with a slightly darker pink mane. This pony’s mane seemed to be curled and extremely puffy. The eyes of this pony were just as large as those of the first, but have blue irises.
The two seemed to be talking to each other, and Claudia asked, “What are they? I mean, they seem like ponies, but they don’t seem like any ponies I’ve ever heard of.”
“Is there some kind of artifact that could have done this, Artie?” Asked Myka, expanding by saying, “I mean, artifacts can do all kinds of weird things, can’t they?”
Pete seemed to be thinking. Suddenly, he asked Artie, “Can you angle the camera to look at their flanks?” Artie began typing and the other two look at Pete. “For some reason, this is reminding me of My Little Pony.” When they continued looking at him like he’s half-crazy, he explained, “I have a sister, remember?”
Artie finally managed to get the camera angled properly. With the new angle, the camera revealed symbols or tattoos of some kind on the ponies’ flanks. The one on the lavender pony had five six pointed stars surrounding a larger pink star with the points of another white star behind it. The pink ponies mark was three balloons. Two balloons were blue with yellow strings, and the middle one, which was slightly higher than the other two, was yellow with a blue string.
Pete shook his head. “It can’t be. But is it possible?”
“It can’t be what, Pete?”
“Is it possible we somehow ended up in the world of the new My Little Ponies series, Myka? I mean, those two match perfectly for two of the characters.” Again, he got nothing but stares wondering what he was talking about. “Apparently Hasbro made a new version of My Little Ponies recently.” A thought suck him. “Claudia, you said that the artifact was found in the home of Lauren Faust, right?”
“Yeah, but what does that have to do with this?”
“Lauren Faust was the executive producer as well as one of the lead character designers for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Is it possible that she somehow managed to use the artifact to travel to this place, and used it to get back as well?”
The three other agents looked particularly stunned at Pete’s theory. They were justified in it, though, since Myka was usually the deductive power behind the pair of them. Artie recovered and said, “It’s possible that it happened.”
“Well, let’s go meet them. If this really is Equestria, then they won’t harm us,” said Pete, slightly excited, and with a smile on his face.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Pete,” replied Artie. “This isn’t Earth, or at least not a version of it that’s similar to ours.”
“Trust me, Artie, I’ve got a good vibe about them.”
Myka agreed with Pete, “If Pete’s got a good vibe about something, then I’m going to agree with him. His vibes haven’t been wrong yet.”
Artie sighed, “Fine.” As they went through the door, he shouted at them, “but be careful out there!”
As Pete and Myka exited the warehouse, the two ponies backed away. The purple one began looking them up and down, like she was examining them, while the pink one bounced excitedly.
“I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!” Shouted the pink one as she bounced. “I knew they’d come out eventually if we waited.” She stoped bouncing long enough to stretch out her hoof. “I’m Pinkie Pie, and this is my friend, Twilight Sparkle.”
Pete took the proffered hoof and shook it. “I’m Pete, and this is Myka. It’s nice to meet you, Pinkie, and you too, Twilight.”
“Wait a minute, you already know what we go by....” Pinkie’s face split with a large smile. “Then Lauren did turn the adventures I told her about into a show where she came from, didn’t she!”
“Lauren, as in Lauren Faust? Yeah, she worked on a show that you two are main characters of. Wait, you met Lauren Faust? How? And for that matter, how did you find us so fast?”
“Well, the way I met Lauren is when she visited here with a large pony statue. The way we found you is because....” Pinkie began delving into a story at this point, and both agents listened attentively, Pete with a smile on his face, and Myka with a look that expressed slight disbelief, amongst other emotions.
=30 Minutes Ago, Ponyville=
Pinkie hopped her way towards the library from Sugarcube Corner. She had just experienced a doozy of a combo, one she’d only had a handful of other times. This time, however, it repeated itself four times, and there was an addition to the end of it, something new. She felt that Twilight would be interested in seeing what it meant.
She slipped silently into the door of the library. She didn’t see Twilight right away, and figured it was probably because it was so early. She then headed for the kitchen, to find Twilight at the dining table. She helped herself to a bowl of fruit salad and sat down across from her friend.
“Hi Twilight. Mind if I have breakfast with you?”
Twilight was visibly startled by Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie Pie, when did you get here?”
Pinkie took a bite of the food in front of her, answering with, “Just now. I had a doozy of a combo about a minute ago, and I thought you’d like to see what it means.”
“What does this particular one mean, Pinkie? I had plans to re-organize the shelves today.”
“This one means visitors. About four of them, and something else, though I’m not sure what. And they aren’t from Equestria.”
That caught Twilight’s attention. If visitors were coming from outside of Equestria, then it was an opportunity for her to learn something new. It was also an opportunity for her to meet new ponies and make new friends.
“Do you know when they’ll get here? Or where they’re coming from?”
“They’re already here, and about half an hour northeast of Ponyville. So, are we going to go meet them?”
Twilight took a bite of her food and said, “Let me write a note for Spike, and we can get going.”
“Okie-dokie-lokie.” Pinkie quickly finished her food in a couple of bites, and walked over to the front door as Twilight began writing a note.
The two left the library, the note on the table in the middle of the main room. As they headed towards the edge of Ponyville, they just talked about various things going on around Ponyville and such. They also spoke about the latest news from Canterlot and how well the princesses were doing, as well as Shining Armor and Cadence.
After most of half an hour, they could see a large building in the distance, with a small figure that looked to be taller than any normal pony coming out. It bent over and picked something up off the ground before looking around, then heading back in.
“What do you think it is, Pinkie?” Asked Twilight of her companion.
“Hmmm. I’m not sure Twilight. It could be a human, though it might not be one.”
“Wait, did you just say that thing might be a human?” Twilight stoped right in front of the spot she believed the creature used to exit and enter the building. Looking at it, she doesn’t see any door.
“Sure did,” responded Pinkie enthusiastically. She looked at the building, “So this is what that last part was all about. This building is definitely something new.”
=Present, 30 Minutes Northeast of Ponyville=
“And that’s when you two came out to meet us,” finished Pinkie as she came to the conclusion of her story. She noticed something and darted over to it, asking no one in particular, “What’s that?”
The other three followed her. She stopped and picked something up a few yards away from the warehouse. She held it up, showing it to the others. “This looks like a hoof from that pretty pony statue Lauren always brought with her.”
In her hoof was what looked like a stone hoof, with brown color on what would be the outside of the statue and the bottom of the hoof. Inside, it looked almost like a stone or concrete statue. Pete and Myka looked from the stone hoof to each other, then back to the hoof.
“I wonder what it could be doing out here?”
“Uh, Pinkie, could we possibly have that hoof? We think that it may be part of what brought us here in the first place.” Pete put on a purple glove before holding out his hand.
“Okay,” said Pinkie as she gave him the hoof.
“I think we should show this to Artie right away, Pete.”
Pete looked at the two ponies. “Could you two possibly wait here for a minute? We don’t want to give Artie a reason to freak out anymore than he will by bringing a couple of talking ponies into the warehouse.”
“Sure thing,” agreed Pinkie right away.
“Sure, we can stay out here,” agreed Twilight after a moment of thought. “But I want to ask you some questions when you come back.”
“Of course, Twilight. I’ll answer to the best of my abilities,” said Pete before him and Myka went back into the warehouse.
Myka got to the office just before Pete and told Artie, “We may have found a piece of the artifact.”
“A piece? What do you mean a piece?” A look of realization came to his face. “The bowling ball must have broken it when it fell. How big a piece did you find?”
“A pony’s hoof,” replied Pete while holding the stone hoof up for the others to see. “And according to the pink pony out there, it’s the hoof from our missing artifact.”
Artie took the hoof and Claudia looked at Pete with look of disbelief on her face. “So you expect us to believe that those two ponies out there can talk?”
“Myka heard them too, didn’t you Myka?”
“As crazy as it sounds, they can talk. And Pete seems to know their names even though we’ve never met them before.” Myka turned to look at him, asking, “How is that Pete?”
“Well, you see, remember how I told you that there was a new My Little Pony show? I actually watch it on occasion.” This earned him an assortment of looks from his companions. “What, it’s a good show, and it actually teaches you something. Plus it’s funny a lot of the time. Especially when Pinkie Pie’s involved.”
“Well, we might as well go meet the natives,” replied Claudia after recovering from Pete’s admission of watching a show meant for little girls.
“No, absolutely not. Pete and Myka have probably already done enough damage for one trans-world incident.” Shot back Artie, trying to keep some semblance of order.
“Oh, come on, Artie. Live a little. Plus, it’ll be easier to find the pieces of the artifact with their help than without it. And, they might be able to help with the missing artifacts.”
“Oh, very well then. I might as well come with you three.” Artie grabbed his bag and took it with him, just in case.
As they left the warehouse, Twilight and Pinkie looked to the group. Twilight was obviously bursting with questions while Pinkie was just being her usual self.
“Twilight, Pinkie, meet Claudia and Artie. Artie, Claudia, meet Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie,” said Pete by way of introduction, gesturing to each of them as he named them.
“It’s nice to meet you, Claudia and Artie. I’ve got so many questions....” Her voice trailed off as she looked in the direction of the mountains.
Coming towards them in the sky were two large winged horses. One was white, and the other was a dark blue, like that of a night sky. The white one was slightly larger than the blue one, and seemed to be the one guiding the pair. As they landed next to the group, Twilight, Pinkie, and Pete all knelt. When they touched down, their horns, which couldn’t be seen from the angle the group previously had, became visible, marking them as alicorns.
“Princesses, what brings you out here?” Asked Twilight as the kneeling trio got back to their feet.
“We felt the presence of several humans coming into Equestria,” replied the white one. “Pinkie was kind enough to introduce us to Lauren the second time she came here.” She turned her gaze to the four humans. “Now who might you four be?”
Pete smiled at the princesses. “I’m Pete Lattimer. Myka Bering here is my partner. Artie’s in charge of the warehouse, and Claudia Donovan is his apprentice of sorts.” He gestured to each of them as he named them. “And might I say, it’s an honor to meet you, Princesses.” He half turned to his companions. “Myka, Artie, Claudia, these are Princesses Celestia and Luna. Celestia is in charge of the sun, and rules over the day. Luna is in charge of the moon and rules over nighttime.”
Twilight spoke up after the introductions. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, princesses, but why did you fly here instead of teleport, or come in a carriage like you normally would?”
Princess Celestia seemed about to respond when she was cut off by Luna. “We did not wish to alarm the humans with how much command we have over magic. We also do not want knowledge of them spreading beyond those of us here.”
Celestia spoke up at this point. “Which is why we’re going to cast a spell to give you pony forms.”
Artie immediately spoke up, saying, “There is no way I’m being changed into a pony. I don’t care if it will help us find the missing artifacts. I simply refuse to be changed into a pony.”
Right before he said the word pony for the second time, a bright flash emanated from the horns of the two alicorns, blinding all those present.
“Uh, Artie, I think it’s a little late for that,” said Claudia as everypony’s vision returned.
The four humans turned ponies looked at each other for a moment, nearly collapsing. Artie was now an earthy brown pony, with a short, very curly black mane flecked with gray. His tail was short, with gray replacing the black at the end of it. His eyes were a deep, almost chocolate color brown, and his glasses had been resized to fit his new pony features. His cutie mark seemed to be an NSA Seal, except it said “Warehouse 13” around the border instead of “National Security Agency” and “United States of America”was still where it normally would be.
Claudia had become a slightly reddish unicorn mare, with purple eyes. Her mane was the usual red of her hair and was in her usual bob cut, with a blue “skunk” stripe going down one side. Her tail was in a fashion similar to a bob cut, though it looks more like one specifically done for tails. It was the same red as her mane, and had a blue stripe also going down it. The mark on her flank was a keyboard similar to that connected to the warehouse computer, with the keys “W-A-R-E-H-O-U-S-1-3” pushed down.
Myka had been transformed into a light brown/tan unicorn, with a mane curled like her normal hair. Her tail seemed to be of a similar style, and both were of a shade of brown much darker than her coat. Her eyes were the same green they were before her transformation. On her flank was a dark leather bound book, which seemed to have an image of the warehouse on the cover.
Pete’s change was probably the most drastic, which was noted by his companions and the other ponies present. He had become a forest green pegasus. His large eyes were a deep sea blue. His mane was actually a bit more grown out than what his hair normally was, and it seemed to be a shade of brown darker than Myka’s coat. His tail was also extremely bushy, and the same shade of brown as his mane. His cutie mark was actually a Secret Service badge, though there were some differences between his mark and an actual badge. Above the words “Special Agent” on the bottom was the number “4994” and instead of the words “Secret Service” in the middle was “North Canton FD,” though to those familiar with an actual badge, it was mostly the same.
Pete looked at himself and said, “This is so cool.” He looked to the princesses and asks, “Can I actually fly, or are the wings just for show?”
“You can fly with your new wings, Pete, but first we must cast an instinct spell to help your minds adjust to your new bodies.” Celestia answered Pete’s question just before the two alicorns’ horns began glowing again. Another flash of light emanated from their horns, though not quite so blinding this time.
When the light cleared, the four seemed much steadier on their hoofs. Claudia opened Artie’s bag with her magic, floating objects randomly out of it with her new found magical abilities. “This is so cool. You have got to try this, Myka.”
Pete instantly took to the air, spreading his wings wide, laughing. “This is amazing. Now I can see why Dash likes flying so much.”
Myka began levitating a few items out of Artie’s bag as well. Artie, being himself, began protesting. “Put that stuff back this instant, you two. Those are not toys for you to be playing around with.”
The two decided to listen to him, only to keep him from completely losing it. Pete finally decided to land as well. “You know what, we’re going to need a new cover is we’re going to work here. Secret Service won’t exactly work around Equestria.”
Celestia and Luna whispered to each other for a few moments, which had everypony else curious. The two seemed to finally agree on something, and turned their attention back to the others.
“We may have a solution, but to be sure it works, we’ll first have to know what it is that you do exactly,” Celestia told them.
Luna asked, “What is this strange building that came here with you?”
Artie looked between the princesses and the warehouse for a moment. “That, princesses, is Warehouse 13.” He was about to continue, but thought about it for a moment, and sighed. “It’d be easier to show you rather than try to explain it.” He motioned for them all to follow as he went into the Warehouse.
After leading them through the Umbilicus, they reached his office. They went out to the ledge, and he gestured out at the warehouse floor. “Welcome, to Warehouse 13. Or as I like to think of it, America’s Attic.”
Next time: A tour of the warehouse for the ponies, and a tour of Canterlot for the warehouse team. What will happen? Find out next time.
Author's Notes:
Okay, so I'm going to try and claim the first comment each time as a notes post, similar to what patnintendoguy does on his story Why the hell is Duke Nukem in Equestria: Reloaded and Retsamoreh does now on The Great Brony Migration. Mainly, it's just to keep the word count that much more accurate.
So, time to give some credit to people before I go into my note proper. I've already given credit to two people above, and there's two more. One is Literature and his story One Week! That's it! for the idea on that one spell I used. I'm not saying what it is for those of you who read this before the story. The other person I need to give credit to is Parchment_Scroll for an idea or two I took from his story Marehouse 13 (whether or not I took one or two ideas depends on how you look at things).
As for the actual notes: comments, concerns, criticism is all appreciated. So are suggestions for title chapters.
I do apologize if that last line seems a bit cheesy/corny. It was the best thing I could come up with so that it would be clear the chapter is over. Plus, considering that Warehouse 13 does that, I figured it kinda worked.
I tried to keep them all as in character as possible. I'll explain the alternate universe tag in a blog post about this, as well as a few other things.
My biggest problem with this is that stories are narrated in past tense. So for example, 'says' is 'said', and etc (and this doesn't apply to dialogue obviously, only narration).
Otherwise, I think it's fine.
I am willing to see more. Although I hope you make at least some of them turn back, I like better stories where the humans stay humans
(Plus, I honestly expected Artie to grumble something at his new body, get back in and come back as a human holding some artifact for dear life - "As I said...There's no way I'm walking around as a pony" Don't know how THAT would have turned out, but I would've laughed my ass of xD)
935509
Many stories use present tense narration, it's a perfectly acceptable choice.
935539
I don't know. It feels more like a play script in present tense. And it's kind of irritating when most have it in past.
LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT SOOO MUCH! this is one awesome story so far. you did an amazing job kudos to you
935549 I agree with this.
You beauty!! You made petes cutie mark a reference to his father didn't ya?!!
935824
Which is kind of an idea borrowed from Marehouse 13...
It's still awesome though!!
P.S. sorry but fimfiction.net doesn't work well with my mac that much.
935839
Which is why I gave credit to that story in my notes. I took the idea and modified it, yes, but I still took it from somewhere else. It only seemed appropriate to give credit.
935848
And credit was given where credit was due.
935847
Nonsense. It works perfectly on mine! And my Macbook is more than 5 years old.
935525
I might use that in a future chapter. I might. I'll see if it fits in anywhere while I write. Though like the princesses said, the spell is to keep them hidden, so that the existance of humans stays quiet.
And for anyone who is going to ask, no, they didn't know about humans until they met Lauren Faust.
935564
Glad you liked it. If you actually go and read my first blog post, you'll see how this idea came to be.
936015
Do as you want, who am I to force your hand ? :p
I thought it would be funny to do this with Artie, since he usually stay at the warehouse, meaning few ponies might meet him.
Nice work, I hope to read more
Reading this in present tense definitely presents an issue. It feels too much like a screenplay. My suggestion: Either rewrite it to fit with standard narrative practices (including getting rid of the eye catch cues) or get someone to animate it so it can be watched properly.
937604
I don't know why, but when I started, I was writing in present tense. I kept it that way throughout the chapter just to keep it consistent. I might change it once I finish chapter 2.
938332
Sorry if I came across as a little intense; I have a bad habit of being forceful when I see something I think I can help fix.
That said, past tense would make it flow better. Present tense stories read rather awkwardly since the mind processes events in the past tense. Also, the bits where you have the Warehouse 13 intro and such don't really add anything to the overall story and draw away from it for those who don't watch Syfy. When writing stories like this, I feel it is best to think of it as a story that just happens to include characters and settings from the two shows and not as stories for the actual shows. This isn't a Warehouse episode; this is your story. Write it as such.
I'm really enjoying the story so far; the style just needs to be refined. I'm looking forward to seeing how the team gets out of this mess.
938422
Actually, the way I'm writing it, I'm trying to do it like it's an episode of Warehouse 13 each chapter. That's why the intro and credit links are there. I put them where they seem to fit right.
935851 Yours doen't have a battery life of two and a half hours though.
941814
Ha! It actually does. 3 is stretching it.
942250 I got mine at christmas time last year.
I want
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/574/moar-cat.jpg
xaxor.com/images/other/111195/moar_23.jpg
seemslegit.com/_images/9dcb72ba1c0ff4efb5c936ebec423d4c/470%20-%20moar%20parrot.jpg
frogtownproductions.com/blogs/kittens/files/2011/08/moar_kitty.jpg
smilepanic.com/wp-content/uploads/MOAR8.jpg
threadbombing.com/data/media/52/moar_birds.jpg
I won't stop 'MOAR'ing untill there is MOAR!
955002
I'm more or less working on chapter 2. I'm also revising Chapter 1. And I got an idea at work that I want to act on. Likely a one shot.
Do you need an editor?
Id be happy to help out. i noticed a few things on the first read through.
The dialog is lacking a bit in the drama department.
Also this fic is paced WAAAAY too fast.
The art of telling a story is to delay telling a story.
The longer you put off major events the more rewarding they feel once they happen.
966751
Is it too fast? I'm trying to get around one episode of the show each chapter. As for an editor, my usual ones aren't interested in Warehouse 13. I've tried, but it didn't work.
966875
It is paced like a TV show yes where a lot of stuff has to happen in one sitting for the consumer to stay entertained. But for the written word you need to take things slower. Like i said the art of telling a story is delaying its telling for as long as possible. You stretch out the major events as much as you can, not necessarily only with "Filler" but with a slower pace, maybe a bit of detail, and yes Filler events.
Little day to day events that while not hugely entertaining to watch on screen, give credibility to characters in a written story. It makes them feel more real and connects them to the reader, and by delaying the "major" events you make them feel that much more rewarding when they do happen.
To use the appearance of the royal sisters as an example. It doesn't feel like the appearance of a pair of immortal goddesses, more like your aunts Celly and Lulu popped in to say "hi" to your new neighbors.
Im not going to condemn your choice to turn the WH13 cast into ponies, but i will say your missing out on some rather easy drama points to have it happen so quickly and without fuss.
Its obvious the residents of Ponyville have met humans before, specifically Lauren Faust.
But she is probably the only human they have met. (drama point)
maybe she avoided Twilight's questions about humans like the plague? (point of interest)
Pete would probably take being ponified alright, but Myka? More than likely would freak out, she tends to be hyper serious about weird stuff. Arty would have none of it, and could probably give you a lecture about why it was a bad idea. Claudia might think it was awesome, but also might freakout. (could go either way) But these are character observations and my opinion, so feel free to ignore.
Basically your goal is to delay major events long enough so they feel rewarding when they happen but not so long as the readers start to lose track of the direction of the story. (Its a fine balance and difficult to get right the first time.) Giving away a lot of high excitement events (Transport of the warehouse, finding out about the missing artifacts, and meeting the princesses are all examples of high excitement events.) right at the beginning/ too close together merely cheapens them so they don't feel special at all.
Massive lecture post is massive!
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Actually, Lauren only really spoke with Pinkie, if you notice that Twilight didn't recognize humans. The princesses actually met her only once, so there isn't much I can do with that. It was mostly to make the artifact a bit more plausible, and set up how this world ended up as a show in ours.
As for Artie, I think I might be able to work in more. At the moment, it's just a bit surreal, and the princesses didn't give them much time to react. I think I mentioned some stuff in my second blog post about why they're reacting to some things the way they are.
As for the actual artifacts thing, well the alarms would go off right away. The warehouse is the place it is, after all. As for the princesses, that could have been delayed by Twilight and questions.
I'm still early in the second chapter, so I think I might be able to slow it down a bit from what I had planned.
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Your right the Artifact alarm would go off right away, and the combination of that and the accident a few moments prior actually could make a nice 1,2, punch of drama to get the reader interested, Its after this point that you have the option to slow things down. And i dont really mean actually slow down the events (though the story could do with some of that IMO) But slow the pacing, add in details, throw in some more mundane events related to the operation of the warehouse. (The artifacts CANNOT be very stable after being transported to a place with so much ambient magic around.)
You know, things to get more mileage from the events you have planned out/ already put down, and to make those events FEEL more dramatic and have more impact.
Think of it like this after an event with a lot of excitement, the readers go into what im going to call "literary shock" Like actually going into shock the mind needs time to calm itself and to come to terms with what has happened. Big events that happen in quick succession quickly feel distant and unimportant.
A lot of the examples i gave in my last comment were just that. Examples of just a few things that might change things up a bit. Im not really questioning your events, although i did question your character reactions simply because, to me at least they seem OoC when compared to the show. But this is your story, your the author and not me, im just trying to give you some tips on how to provoke more emotion from your readers and get a little more mileage out of events.
"The most important thing about making a story is that it must be about something big, important, and significant. Otherwise, why should we care? Even if it's about the friendship of two little frogs, it has to say something important and timeless about friendship. It has to speak to something that we can all relate to, perhaps how taking their friendship for granted led to the loss of their friendship. Something has to be at stake. It doesn't have to be a big story. It does have to have big issues, such as family, fatherhood, motherhood, honor, the law, crime and punishment, prejudice, wealth and poverty, freedom, understanding, pleasure, spirit and body, guilt, war, sickness and health, and love and hate. Stories answer the big questions in life. How can we find love? Can love conquer fear? Where did we come from? What does it all mean? You need to find the universal in the particulars of your story."
Directing the Story
Professional Storytelling and Storyboarding Techniques for Live Action and Animation
1st ed.
Francis Glebas
9780080928098
(Dont sue me plzkaythx!)
Also something the quote didn't go into a ton of detail about is Fear, that can be a huge powerhouse when it comes to drama, Fear of change/commitment/confrontation/ect. ect. The characters don't, just have to tackle the problem scenario you laid before them, they have to overcome their own emotions, like fear.
Sure a happy story about the WH13 cast going to Equestria is nice and all, if your 6 years old, but it wont hold your older/more mature readers for very long.
Im not trying to control your story/ change your style/ or anything like that, merely trying to clue you into some well known psychological constants that you need to be aware of when you write.
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They did kind of just get doused in neutralizer, if you note. Blog post #2 talks about some of that.
It's been a while since I watched it. I'm trying to watch some of the first two seasons on Netflix, however, and season four premiered last night.
That's why I need you guys to help me out here. I'm not a very good author. I'll message you a link for the entire story, and some notes on what I'm doing with it.
I'll make sure they do.
Like I said, I'm not a great author. I know I need some work on my skills. Hell, for the most part, I don't care for writing, though that's mostly essays and the like.
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Lols thanks for the link im probably about to get.
I have an entire textbook on this subject although i dont think i can give you direct access.
Last thing, One of the most important things for authors is to establish a sense of Imagery a sort of visual idea that exists only in our heads that follows along the story, these are part of the details i was talking about like calling the inside of the warehouse 'dark' or the shelves 'dusty' it establishes an imagery that sticks with us through out the scene.
And sorry to say pretty much all of chapter 1 lacks this sense of imagery, feeling more like just a list of events with dialog, really in all honestly i would rewrite chapter 1, while keeping in mind some of the things ive said.
This might sound harsh, but really i'm just trying to help you write the best story possible.
(Along with any random author who happens to read this )
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I'm currently working on putting it in past tense, actually. I might eventually rewrite it. As for the lack of description of the warehouse, this story is more or less directed at those who are familiar with the show. Reworking it later can help me, though.
My little Warehouse 13, My little Warehouse 13
Ahh, ahh,ahh ahh
( My little Warehouse 13)
I used to wonder what artifacts could be
( My little Warehouse 13)
Until you shared their secrets with me
Big adventure
On the run
Destructive objects
Dangerous and strong
Hacking files
It's an easy feat
And teslas make it all complete.
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*sniff...sniff* "Anyone else smell fudge?"
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Hmmm.... Might use that.
Alright!
I saw a few problems.
1. I think that the artifacts acting up from just Claudia's small amount of anger wasn't realistic. Try adding a few more lines of arguing before the artifacts freak out.
2.
That mistake is fairly obvious.
Otherwise, good chapter, although I think you could portray Artie a little better. But that's just me being picky. Also not too big a fan of Pete being a brony. But again, picky.
I can also edit for you if you want. Shoot me a PM if you're interested.